My Dad....

I just realized after writing my previous blog as I was lying in bed thinking about what I said and how In being afraid to lose people I end up pushing them away and I realized I think this is something I have been doing with my Dad lately. I think there is so much going on with him and his needing open heart surgery. I think I have been kind of pushing him away but I think its because I am afraid of losing him. I really want him to be around forever and yet it seems like all we do is fight sometimes. (especially lately, which is partly why I was so excited to get out of the house and back to work) my mom says we argue a lot because we are both the same and we butt heads when we are around each other to much. But I think a part of me is trying to find a reason to be able to let go. I am so scared for him and the surgery. It really upsets me that he hasnt been doing what he needs to in order to lose weight and I already know the risks of the surgery I I know he is at a greater risks because of his weight and other medical conditions. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to die? I love my job so much and yet I see him in so many of my patients. I see things on a regular basis and I wonder when I come home am I goign to find an ambulance there picking up my dad doing the same things I was doing to someone else in trying to save them? I do have a lot of faith and I really do believe that he can make it through the surgery alive if he wants to, but in my heart I feel like I need to prepare for the worst and its so hard! I am not ready to let go or say goodbye, and so I hope he is not ready to let go either! He still has a lot of fight in him, I just hope he knows where its stored because I am not seeing it lately! I know this is stuff I need to tell him... but I don't know how! Anyways I am crying all over the keyboard.... and since I am not really sure where to go with the rest of this blog...sorry its a sad one but its how I am feeling lately! But I really do need sleep and now its going to be hard to get ther... but I think I need to at least be in bed!