Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Ok so I know that I am clearly not invisible.... after all considering I am overweight that makes me clearly more visible to the eye. But I have been thinking the past couple days how sometimes I get to feeling like I am. Not in every sense of my life but in some. I do a lot, and I hang out with a lot of people. I know almost everyone in my ward, if not personally but usually by face if not also by name. Considering I bear my testimony every fast Sunday, and am in the relief society presidency I am pretty sure most people know my face and/or name too.... so let me explain now why I sometimes feel invisible....

Last night was ward cookie night. Where after church we go home and make cookies or brownies or whatever and at 7pm we all meet up with goodies at Bishops house. We have a spiritual thought and then we eat goodies and mingle until we all meander home again. It is a pretty popular activity and usually fairly fun too. While there I got to talking with one of the girls in my ward, for privacy sake I will call her "Jane" so we had been in the kitchen and chatting a little when Jane asked me if I wanted to join her sitting on the couch instead. So I did and we wandered into the other room. Sometime within a short time frame of us going into that room Bishop turned on a comedy video he had referenced earlier in the other room. So mostly everyone else went into there. Jane and I stayed where we were and talked. We talked a lot and shed a few tears about how we are both older and single and feeling heartbroken because of it. We shared experiences making us feel "invisible" We related back and forth some of our emotions and experiences. We agreed about how the "younger" girls can be pretty naive. How they basically throw themselves at any new guy in the ward especially the older guys (who come few and far between) and then of course we get stuck lonely still. It's hard to constantly see this happen. The guys tend to ask out the younger girls, who also happen to tend to be skinnier. Jane and I are by no means ugly, we attend the Temple regularly, have gone to school and work hard. But yet it seems that even though we are more knowledgeable in many aspects of life, and more stable in our professions we are not the ones being taken out on the weekends. We can both keep a house, we are both quite good cooks and can raise children. We are ready for the marriage role! Not saying that the younger girls are not, but we are more experienced in many ways and prepared for it. Yet we sit alone frequently on Fri and Sat night, (or we are out with other girls), It's hurtful! It is so hard to be optimistic about getting married and starting a family when we don't even get asked on dates! We talked about how frequently many people will talk about having been out on Sat night and usually in large groups of people, but yet we were not invited along. I enjoy karaoke on Sat nights and it seems that people frequently mention to me they want to go sometime, but yet when I invite people they don't come. When I don't invite they are mad I didn't. But yet all these people who I will occasionally invite don't ever return the favor! It's hurtful!

There is a gal in our ward who frequently has people over at her house. I've heard it's basically an open invite to whomever would like to go, and we have a mutual friend who has told me she has asked why I don't go over and hang out..... I have told this mutual friend that it's because I've never been invited. She tells me to just go. But personally even though I know it's going on and I would be allowed to join in, I don't feel right showing up uninvited! I think it is rude and yet even though it is supposedly an "open invite" nobody ever really does any inviting! So they have the group of people who go there and hang out! For the most part I don't think the people who go change around much! We talked about this stuff. I told Jane I've been thinking about all that same stuff too!

All my life, I have never been one to wear make-up much. I have always been one to feel that sometimes people wear too much make-up, they tend to hide behind it like a mask and can sometimes be pretty fake. Aside from being overweight I do have a pretty good self image usually. I have always felt very confident in my looks without make up. I do know the difference with it on, and it has always been that when I did wear it I would get more compliments. So I would usually save make-up for times when I wanted to dress up a little bit, or when I wanted to impress someone. I would save it for the times I was feeling down and wanted to be complimented so I would feel better. I go through stages sometimes and would wear it more for awhile then go back to nothing again. But lately I have been looking in the mirror a lot more! I have been noticing my flaws that I didn't seem to have or notice before. I have been starting to wear make-up more! I decided maybe that's what I need in order to feel less invisible. To be invited along for dinner parties, or to go hang out at someones house. Maybe it's what I need to get a date! It probably does boost my confidence, maybe I smile more when I actually have it on. I don't know for sure, I think I smile a lot anyway.... So last night Jane and I had this meaningful conversation about feeling invisible and being able to relate to each other's experiences (since they are pretty much the same for the most part)

Then today I went to my weight watchers meeting.... I've been going for several months now. I have lost some weight and have gone up and down a little bit in that time, but this has all been during this trial of knee injury and surgery... so even though I wish it was more I'm mostly only down about 12 pounds. It's hard when it's mostly by diet only. I am barely now starting to be able to tolerate more activity again and even that is limited. It's frustrating. So today at my meeting when it started my meeting leader was talking about someone in her meeting before ours. This girl couldn't find her card and jokingly made the comment "I'm invisible". I really made me think a lot about my conversation from last night with Jane. It made me think about how often I get disappointed with the way things are in my life. How I frequently feel like I am being ignored or am invisible to others! As the conversation was going in my meeting I was almost ready to start crying.... than my leader told us what she had told that girl... she said "you are never invisible in weight watchers". I realized how true that statement is! I am struggling with my weight loss, I am struggling to get "back on my feet" in a literal sense of the word but my leader is amazing!! She is right, no matter how I feel about myself she is there! She always acknowledges me! She knows my face, my name and who I am! I am not invisible!

I've thought about this a lot today. Tonight at FHE the lesson was about the Savior. He referenced the "Footprints in the Sand" poem! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I am not now, nor will I ever be invisible to him! I know that my Savior loves me and died on the cross for me! I am so thankful for the atonement! I know that I am noticed. With or without make-up people do see me! I know that when the time is right I will get asked out on a date, and I will form a relationship and will eventually be married! What a blessing that will be. In the meantime I need to remember not to let myself feel invisible! I need to remember who I am (A Daughter of God) and know that I am on the right path. I will keep working on getting my knee back to full use, I will keep monitoring my eating so that I can lose more weight, and as often as I feel necessary I will wear make-up. I won't hide in the shadows anymore. I will run in the sunlight and be visible! Once and for all!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

No news....

Well I don't know if no news is good news or bad news, but it's news anyway.... or rather not I guess :) I haven't had much happen lately that I am super excited about in order to blog it. I mean I've got a lot on my plate but I usually do so that's nothing really. I went to the ZOO last week! It was so much fun! Even though I am older I love looking at the animals I especially enjoy the elephants! They are such amazing and yet simple creatures! It's incredible how large but yet so calm they are! I recently read a fictional book about elephants and it made me cry.... and now I am reading another one.... although I don't know if I'll cry again. It's quite likely I suppose! I bought myself my very first IPOD! Woohoo.....
I look back on my life and often wonder "how did I get here?" I am surprised how things change so easily and so gradually and yet it all seems to go by so fast! I miss working most of all! I can't believe a year ago I was back at work by now from my previous knee surgery and now I am wondering when I'll get to return again... and I am still wondering if I should return to the ambulance or do dispatch. I know there are so many benefits I can expect being in dispatch with finances and less impact on my knee and so forth, but there are so many things I miss about the ambulance! The blood the guts the gore! :) Just kidding... it is hard to explain though, it's not that you want people getting hurt and stuff but the adrenaline of a call is something not to be explained! The feeling of accomplishment when you know you've made a difference in a life! The blessings of meeting so many people of various ages and walks of life! I have heard so many amazing stories from elderly patients that make me wish my grandparents on my dad's side lived a lot longer! I miss them! I know a dispatcher job would benefit me in so many ways and yet I still want to cry when I see an ambulance. I feel so helpless when they come by and I think of where they may be going and what they may be required to do. I mean I know the job had it's negatives, I mean I don't even always like cleaning my own car or house, so what makes me want to clean an ambulance and station? But I did it without complaint. I get full nights of sleep now.... but I also am bored frequently sitting at home! I have read over a dozen books so far this year already... I would probably still have read nearly as many if I was working though which is the cool thing about it... but I would've felt better while doing it, because when working I know that at any time I could be required to stop to go potentially save a life! I cannot believe this year alone I have already read, or re-read:

Harry Potter 2-7 (I had re-read 1 back in Dec)
Tales of Beedle the Bard
Twilight series (all 4 books, which I had read for the first time back in Dec)
Orpheus... which is a Novel Betty wrote that I was privileged to get a "sneak peek" of!
Hanna's Dream (the elephant book I mentioned)
Pride and Prejudice

I also read my scriptures and the occasional magazine, or newspaper and such as well. Um I can't think of any more right now so that must be it.... but there are a few I am working on too.... Life is crazy! But I am thankful for books! I am actually looking to invest in another bookshelf or storage unit of some sort because of my abundance of books, dvd's and cd's, I also have a lot of games too! But too bad I never have people to play them with....

Well I guess that's about it! Life continues for me. I still have no prince charming, no knight in shining armor... no mr right.... but I haven't given up hope that he is out there and looking for me! We just need to find each other!

Friday, April 10, 2009


For a few years now I have had problems with migraine headaches. But they are kind of sporatic and I have been having a hard time finding a trigger for them. I usually will be fine for several weeks if not months than all of a sudden I will get them a lot. Thats the stage I am in now, today is the 3rd or 4th day in a row! UGh! Go away now headache I have had enough! That's all I have to say

Monday, April 6, 2009

Olives in the garden

So this last week was a really fun one for me! On Weds my twin Renee came home for a brief visit. She flew in on Weds morning and we went to lunch and hung out a little bit. After that we went to her mom's school to surprise her. Her mom thought she was flying in on Thurs morning but instead for April Fools she came earlier. (Actually it was planned for the first originally but she told her mom the 2nd and gave her "fake" flight info, that was actually info for a real thurs flight) So after that she hung out with her mom and her family for the night while I came home and made a ramp to use for an electric wheelchair I borrowed. On Thurs she, her parents and I went to Disneyland. We had a lot of fun together! It was a chilly day but I think that is way better than it being super hot. With the only exception is avoiding the water rides because of the temperature outside.

Than on Fri, my mom, Renee, her cat Anya and I drove to Utah. I have always loved road trips! It's way exciting to listen to music and watch the scenery. Renee and I would normally read books out loud to each other but with my mom this time we didn't. Although during the drive I did finish a book I have been reading. I really enjoyed it. On Sat in the afternoon my mom and I went to General Conference for church. Afterwards we hung out with Renee, Veronica and Raliegh for awhile until Raliegh went to priesthood session. We walked around temple square and went to Deseret Book for girls night. Then we went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Raleigh met us there after priesthood.

THat was when the night got fun.... Renee put some sugar in my raspberry lemonade... I don't know for sure if that was the reason, but I got a little hyper. First when I tried to unroll my napkin I dropped my silverware to the floor.... than I was just laughing at a bunch of stuff. I was joking around about not being able to see when i would remove my glasses to clean them. At one point while cleaning them I was like "hey that guy looks familiar" and I think it was Renee who said "they probably all do because you can't see anybody" (or something along those lines) so i pretended to call "Jimmy" than I was like "Oh nevermind I thought you were someone I knew, but now that I have my glasses on I can see you're much uglier" I know that's kinda mean but it was kinda funny too. And I wasn't actually talking to Jimmy or anyone else it was all at a level that only the people at my table could hear mostly. I was also joking around with Raliegh because Renee and I were sending stupid texts back and forth to each other and he commented about it and how I was probably saying the waiter was cute or something. (after which she jokingly did text me that which made me laugh even more) And so I told Raleigh "he just heard you say that and turned around to walk away, but when he comes back do you want me to let him know how you feel?" also at one point I was trying to stretch my legs out under the table and I kicked Raleigh so he asked if I was trying to play footsie with him. I told him no that I was trying to stretch but that normally because I am so short it isn't a problem that I kick whoever is across from me! Oops! So then also at the beginning because we were there before Raleigh we got the salad and breadsticks and were eating that before ordering and there were 4 olives in the salad and renee and I each had 2. Renee said "for a place called Olive Garden there aren't very many olives in the garden" so we asked the waiter and he was like "no it's one per person" he also told us he had recently learned olives don't even grow in gardens but on trees. (Which I already knew because I am allergic to olive trees) So before Raliegh got there the waiter brought us another bowl of salad. I ate the olives from it and then shifted around the stuff on top so you couldn't tell I had done it. In the meanwhile Veronica had gone to the front of the restaurant to show him where we were sitting. So when he sat down we were talking and stuff and he asked if we had ordered. We told him no we waited for him but not with the salad and breadsticks. So he was having some salad and I was like "renee even asked the waiter why.." and then I stopped myself and was like "nevermind she didn't ask him anything" because I knew I had eaten the olives and didn't know if he would've wanted any. SO Renee my mom and I were all laughing and Veronica and Raleigh didn't know why! It was so funny. At one point the waiter came over and filled my lemonade and I didn't even notice. I drank half the glass than realized it had been filled. Renee laughed at me for not noticing. SO then the waiter came to take our orders and I was alsking a lot of questions and stuff and I told him there was an "incident and that there was silverware under the table" and at one point I said something and he was like "you're funny" Need less to say I burned a lot of calories from laughing at dinner that night! There were people at two tables nearby that I think were very glad when we left because I was making jokes and we were all laughing so much they probably thought we were drunk. It's all Renee's fault for spiking my lemonade with that sugar packet!!!

Then we went back to Renee's and I did my leg exercises and put my ice on my leg. It felt good to stretch it and I went to sleep with the ice on that night because I hadn't iced it in a few days and had been doing a lot of walking and a lot of stairs that day! Than yesterday my mom and I went to the morning session of conference. Afterwards we visited with a friend, and than we went back to Renee's and packed our bags and the car. We had some lunch at her house and left as the afternoon session started. We listened to it on the radio while driving. It was a long day driving home but we made it back super late and super tired! Overall it was a long.... too short, but fun weekend.