Ok so I know that I am clearly not invisible.... after all considering I am overweight that makes me clearly more visible to the eye. But I have been thinking the past couple days how sometimes I get to feeling like I am. Not in every sense of my life but in some. I do a lot, and I hang out with a lot of people. I know almost everyone in my ward, if not personally but usually by face if not also by name. Considering I bear my testimony every fast Sunday, and am in the relief society presidency I am pretty sure most people know my face and/or name too.... so let me explain now why I sometimes feel invisible....
Last night was ward cookie night. Where after church we go home and make cookies or brownies or whatever and at 7pm we all meet up with goodies at Bishops house. We have a spiritual thought and then we eat goodies and mingle until we all meander home again. It is a pretty popular activity and usually fairly fun too. While there I got to talking with one of the girls in my ward, for privacy sake I will call her "Jane" so we had been in the kitchen and chatting a little when Jane asked me if I wanted to join her sitting on the couch instead. So I did and we wandered into the other room. Sometime within a short time frame of us going into that room Bishop turned on a comedy video he had referenced earlier in the other room. So mostly everyone else went into there. Jane and I stayed where we were and talked. We talked a lot and shed a few tears about how we are both older and single and feeling heartbroken because of it. We shared experiences making us feel "invisible" We related back and forth some of our emotions and experiences. We agreed about how the "younger" girls can be pretty naive. How they basically throw themselves at any new guy in the ward especially the older guys (who come few and far between) and then of course we get stuck lonely still. It's hard to constantly see this happen. The guys tend to ask out the younger girls, who also happen to tend to be skinnier. Jane and I are by no means ugly, we attend the Temple regularly, have gone to school and work hard. But yet it seems that even though we are more knowledgeable in many aspects of life, and more stable in our professions we are not the ones being taken out on the weekends. We can both keep a house, we are both quite good cooks and can raise children. We are ready for the marriage role! Not saying that the younger girls are not, but we are more experienced in many ways and prepared for it. Yet we sit alone frequently on Fri and Sat night, (or we are out with other girls), It's hurtful! It is so hard to be optimistic about getting married and starting a family when we don't even get asked on dates! We talked about how frequently many people will talk about having been out on Sat night and usually in large groups of people, but yet we were not invited along. I enjoy karaoke on Sat nights and it seems that people frequently mention to me they want to go sometime, but yet when I invite people they don't come. When I don't invite they are mad I didn't. But yet all these people who I will occasionally invite don't ever return the favor! It's hurtful!
There is a gal in our ward who frequently has people over at her house. I've heard it's basically an open invite to whomever would like to go, and we have a mutual friend who has told me she has asked why I don't go over and hang out..... I have told this mutual friend that it's because I've never been invited. She tells me to just go. But personally even though I know it's going on and I would be allowed to join in, I don't feel right showing up uninvited! I think it is rude and yet even though it is supposedly an "open invite" nobody ever really does any inviting! So they have the group of people who go there and hang out! For the most part I don't think the people who go change around much! We talked about this stuff. I told Jane I've been thinking about all that same stuff too!
All my life, I have never been one to wear make-up much. I have always been one to feel that sometimes people wear too much make-up, they tend to hide behind it like a mask and can sometimes be pretty fake. Aside from being overweight I do have a pretty good self image usually. I have always felt very confident in my looks without make up. I do know the difference with it on, and it has always been that when I did wear it I would get more compliments. So I would usually save make-up for times when I wanted to dress up a little bit, or when I wanted to impress someone. I would save it for the times I was feeling down and wanted to be complimented so I would feel better. I go through stages sometimes and would wear it more for awhile then go back to nothing again. But lately I have been looking in the mirror a lot more! I have been noticing my flaws that I didn't seem to have or notice before. I have been starting to wear make-up more! I decided maybe that's what I need in order to feel less invisible. To be invited along for dinner parties, or to go hang out at someones house. Maybe it's what I need to get a date! It probably does boost my confidence, maybe I smile more when I actually have it on. I don't know for sure, I think I smile a lot anyway.... So last night Jane and I had this meaningful conversation about feeling invisible and being able to relate to each other's experiences (since they are pretty much the same for the most part)
Then today I went to my weight watchers meeting.... I've been going for several months now. I have lost some weight and have gone up and down a little bit in that time, but this has all been during this trial of knee injury and surgery... so even though I wish it was more I'm mostly only down about 12 pounds. It's hard when it's mostly by diet only. I am barely now starting to be able to tolerate more activity again and even that is limited. It's frustrating. So today at my meeting when it started my meeting leader was talking about someone in her meeting before ours. This girl couldn't find her card and jokingly made the comment "I'm invisible". I really made me think a lot about my conversation from last night with Jane. It made me think about how often I get disappointed with the way things are in my life. How I frequently feel like I am being ignored or am invisible to others! As the conversation was going in my meeting I was almost ready to start crying.... than my leader told us what she had told that girl... she said "you are never invisible in weight watchers". I realized how true that statement is! I am struggling with my weight loss, I am struggling to get "back on my feet" in a literal sense of the word but my leader is amazing!! She is right, no matter how I feel about myself she is there! She always acknowledges me! She knows my face, my name and who I am! I am not invisible!
I've thought about this a lot today. Tonight at FHE the lesson was about the Savior. He referenced the "Footprints in the Sand" poem! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I am not now, nor will I ever be invisible to him! I know that my Savior loves me and died on the cross for me! I am so thankful for the atonement! I know that I am noticed. With or without make-up people do see me! I know that when the time is right I will get asked out on a date, and I will form a relationship and will eventually be married! What a blessing that will be. In the meantime I need to remember not to let myself feel invisible! I need to remember who I am (A Daughter of God) and know that I am on the right path. I will keep working on getting my knee back to full use, I will keep monitoring my eating so that I can lose more weight, and as often as I feel necessary I will wear make-up. I won't hide in the shadows anymore. I will run in the sunlight and be visible! Once and for all!