Thursday, September 27, 2012

Growing Older

Ok so my birthday was on Tues. I had a lot of fun and went to Disneyland with my sister and a couple friends. It was great (I love Disneyland so it's always great to be there) But although I was having a lot of fun I was thinking a lot about things. I am 33 now! It's a little crazy to me! I have always liked the #33 and now that is my age. It's kind of weird. But It also made me think a lot about my life, where I am now and where I thought I would be. Mostly growing up I thought a lot about things by the time I would be 35, which is creeping up quickly. Anyway after thinking about a few things throughout the day and then hanging out talking with my friend Angela after we had gotten home it made me think some more. I came home and wrote a few lines of a poem. Then I got kind of stuck. But I know from past poems that sometimes I will be stuck for quite a while so I decided to share what I have so far. It will likely be a "to be continued" down the road. If I can finish it down the road I will re-post it in it's entirety.

Growing Older

Growing older, how can it be?
My life is so different from what I envisioned for me.
I thought about family, pets and a home.
I never thought by now I would still be alone.
I'm blessed with a job, church and great friends.
So I know this isn't how my story ends.
Sometimes I wonder have I lived just right?
When will things change, if not tonight?
All that I've hoped for, my wishes and dreams.
I feel like their stitches are ripped at the seams.
I want to keep trying to give it my all.
Put me in coach, hand me that ball,
For I know there is more to this life,
I just need to look past the heartache & strife.

to be cont'd

Monday, September 10, 2012

Drawing on the past

I didn't have a great day today... I have been trying not to argue with my Dad and up until today I have been doing alright. But sometimes I just can't keep it all in... today was one of those days. So then I cried... a lot. I put on some headphones, turned up my ipod really loud and just "ignored" the world around me for a bit. I took care of a few other needs and then was supposed to go to a party. But by that time I was exhausted and didn't feel well so I stayed home napping instead. But now as I was getting ready for bed I was remembering a post I wrote awhile ago (Jan 2010 to be precise) I remembered thinking about my Heavenly Father and how I know that I am a Child of God. Nobody can take that away from me!  I love my parents and I love my Dad but sometimes lately it feels impossible to live with him anymore. I wish things could be different and I have tried to talk to him, I have written poetry about it, and I have even written him a letter directly and yet it seems like I am the only one trying sometimes. But at the same time it also seems like while I am trying to serve him and love him and trying not to fight with him, it feels as if the more I try to make things better the more he strives to get on my nerves. I know that doesn't make sense and maybe you know my Dad and think he wouldn't do that... but you should see the way he is behind closed doors. It is a completely different person then when anybody else is around. When others are here he acts all angelic and even plays the role of a victim. Acts as if we are soo mean to him and picking on him etc. but in general it's the other way around and then some!

Anyway here is a little tidbit of that post from a few years ago. I had been sick and not feeling well. Was out of work at the time, completely broke and in debt. I was going through some major struggles. The night before at church I had gotten a Priesthood blessing from a couple of the guys I knew. If you'd like to look at the complete post you can look it up, it was in Jan 2010 titled "Hugs from a Father"

So I have these giant coloring books that I got from Costco awhile ago. I have 2 different Disney ones (one is Ariel, and one is Princess') and I also have some giant Toy Story coloring sheets from Target. I used to also have a Disney Cars book but I gave it to a friend for her son. So I wanted to color. I knew it was something that was kinda simple and relaxing and it seemed like a good night for coloring. I kinda flipped through a couple pages and stopped on a page with a picture of King Triton and Ariel. They were hugging. Underneath the picture it says " Loving arms are the best things to have around you".
....sorry for the lame-o coloring job I did~
As I was beginning to color this picture I kind of thought to myself "I wish I had this kind of relationship with my dad the kind where I hug him like this with a huge smile on my face and just know that I am loved." Than another thought occurred to me, "I don't have that with my earthly father, but I do have it with my Father in Heaven. I obviously don't get to physically hug him but I do feel his warmth. I do get the feeling of arms around me in times of prayer and at church and even during the blessing I had just received a few hours before. It was as if a light was turned on. I have known that I am a child of God but occasionally I think we all tend to forget it from time to time. This was one of the moments where I was gently reminded! Silly as it sounds that a coloring page would remind me. but that coloring page held a lot of meaning for me last night!
The most interesting part of it all is my institute class this semester is about "Doctrines of the Gospel" and yesterday as I was doing the reading for class for this week (today and thurs) the lesson this week is about Revelation. So yesterday I was reading scriptures about forms of revelation. How it comes from the Spirit, or a vision, or from dreams. How it can come from other sources and I guess for me yesterday I had a brief lesson of revelation through coloring. It is amazing how much our Heavenly Father loves us! I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have that I can return to live with him someday if I live worthily. I am so excited for my institute class for the strength it is giving me to go and do. To continue to study the scriptures. I love all that I am learning! I cannot believe in March it has been 10 years since I was baptized! I have learned even though it seems that some of my trials keep getting harder each year I am still strengthened. I am still gaining faith and my testimony becomes stronger! What a great blessing that is to me! I know I can do anything because the Lord is on MY side! I know that I will find a job and will be able to take care of myself and my financial responsibilities. I know that I will get married and be sealed for time and all eternity in the Temple and I know that I will be a mom someday! I can't wait for that time!
So despite the trials and tribulations life is good! I am happy! I am going to try and get back on track with my blogging too! :-)