Sunday, July 27, 2008


You are sitting down minding your own business when suddenly your eye starts to twitch. Eye twitching is a common but often perplexing phenomena that affects millions of people every year. Is it serious or just something to put up with? For most people eye twitching is not a serious condition and typically results from excessive fatigue or stress. For others eye twitching can lead to chronic irritation or vision problems. Let's talk a bit more about this unusual problem.
Blepharospasm (Defined as Eye Twitching)
Blepharospasm is the technical term for involuntary eye twitching (eye spasms). Blepharospasm is more specifically defined as an abnormal involuntary blinking or spasm of the eyelids. Eye twitching usually involves involuntary movements of the eyelid specifically. Some refer to this condition as eye spasms. Some doctors often refer to this condition when chronically present as "blinking disorder." Sounds pretty serious. But it may not be.

OK so lately (several weeks now) I have been having this problem with my Left eyelid twitching A LOT!! At first I thought maybe it was a reaction to my eye makeup as I usually don't wear make-up and then I did and my eye started twitching... so I didn't wear any makeup and after a couple days it seemed to have gotten better. Then I wore make-up again (to impress a didnt work) and it started happening again and i thought it definately must have been the make-up. But now it has been several weeks and I have avoided the make-up and I am still having the problem! A good friend of mine said "maybe its from stress" so one night recently I decided to investigate online.... and above is what I found! I guess I am still drinking "too much lemonade"!!!! I mean with my Dad being in and out of the hospital, probably going to have his surgery soon. My knee getting worse instead of better and the doctor saying if the next set of injections don't help I may need another far worse operation, and bills continuing to pile up, missing work, etc etc sometimes I just have to joke around and say "what stress"? Anyways I added a picture I like that I took at Disneyland... I think its a true statement! As much as I want to move away I don't think its going to help right now! There is too much that needs to be taken care of first! Than I am on the next train out!... OK I will probably take my car and not a train, but thats besides the point!

Monday, July 21, 2008


Main Entry: com·mu·ni·ca·tion
Pronunciation: \kə-ˌmyü-nə-ˈkā-shən\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1: an act or instance of transmitting
2 a: information communicated b: a verbal or written message
3 a: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior ; also : exchange of information b: personal rapport
4plural a: a system (as of telephones) for communicating b: a system of routes for moving troops, supplies, and vehicles c: personnel engaged in communicating
5plural but sing or plural in constr a: a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech) b: the technology of the transmission of information (as by print or telecommunication)
— com·mu·ni·ca·tion·al \-shnəl, -shə-nəl\ adjective

So I think the definition is fairly simple. I also think that many people communicate fairly well. I find most people talk, and generally its even frequent but I wonder how so many times even amongst talkers there is rarely any real communication. This morning I asked my sister if she would clean the bathroom today and she questioned me "why?". Generally since she usues the bathroom regularly like everyone else I didnt think such a quesiton was necessary, but I answered with more than one reason why. That was an interesting conversation but it turned out to be good communication in the end because the bathroom did get cleaned and I wasnt the one who did it so that was nice. Her boyfriend did the work.
There is a lot going on within my family right now. My dad was hospitalized over the weekend and his cardiologist is saying she does not want him released from the hospital until he has his heart surgery that he has been needing for awhile. But I don't know if that information has been passed on to the cardio-thoracic surgeon yet. We still need to see if he is willing to perform the operation yet or not, and to see if we can even get it scheduled. But since it was the weekend that may be the cause for lack of communication. But in the meanwhile other resident doctors are telling my Dad he may be released soon.... where is the communication between his cardiologist and them???

So continuing my thoughts, my Moms car has a water leak. Not good since that causes cars to overheat. Aside from just the leak my Dad had begun to take it apart to get to the leaking hose, but had not finished so even if the leak was minimal the car is still in-operational. So she has been having to borrow a car to go to the hospital to see my dad (its been 3 days since he was admitted) and since the hospital is about 35-40 miles away (he goes to the veterans hospital)the first day she borrowed my sisters car to take him in. Since than she has been taking mine. So I figured that tomorrow wouldn't be too different and she would probably do so again, but then also my other sister returns to work tomorrow, and my mom is her daycare provider. So I also figured I would be babysitting. I love my family (and I have the most adorable nephews) so I am pretty willing to make both sacrifices, but I was never asked about the car or the babysitting. So I asked my mom tonight whether she was planning on going to the hospital tomorrow or not? She said she didn't know if she would have a car because she didn't know if I had plans to know if she could borrow my car again.... and she brought up the childcare issue as well. So I told her I had already figured she would need to borrow my car again and that I would be left watching my nephews. But it surprised me how she was wanting to go because she wants to talk to (or rather- "communicate") with the doctors herself because my Dad doesn't always remember what they said or who he talked to etc. but even though she wants to go and knew there was childcare needed she did not take the time to ask! It's a little frustrating to me sometimes. How will we learn an answer to a question if we don't ask?

SO then after I mentioned I had already figured I would be baysitting and be loaning my car again I mentioned that I may take the boys swimming so my mom automatically starts talking to me as if I am not capable of watching kids in a pool. She began to tell me how my nephew Isaiah (3 months old) doesnt like the water and how ELijah (23 months old) loves it and how they both need sunscreen and how it only takes the time of a breath before either one could choke and drown. I reminded her that I am aware of this all and I wasnt planning on taking them and putting either on in the water and ignoring them from then on out. I was also saying how a few wees ago at my uncles house my nephew wouldnt go past the first step into the water of the pool (maybe because it was cold, I don't really know) So she tells me a story about my cousin walking around the pool when he was little and how he wasnt doing anything but walking suddenly fell in the deep end and how even though she is not a swimmer she dove in the shallow end and came up with him in the deep end. I told her again that IF we go swimming I am not going to ignore my nephews. That I am well aware of the dangers and reminede her that I am an EMT and she looked at me as if I meant that this means they are safe if they drown. I told her that I wasnt saying it as if I was braggin they are safe but to show that I am aware of the dangers and I think because of my job experience that I am sometimes more cautious and aware than most people and pay a lot more attention. So anyways that proved to be a frustrating communication!

Anyways if you have read this far I appreciate it! I don't know if to you it seems like calid communication but as I was lying in bed it all made me a little frustrated. I just hate that my family qeustions my motives, my capability and my sincerity. That they expect or want things from me but then don't make those things clear to me. I know that I am not the only one with this problem and I know that this isnt the only time it has happened or the last time it will happen. But it has opened my eyes a bit to the things that we are sometimes oblivious to. I think that even I have been afraid to ask questions of people in the past but I generally make sure to do so if it is an important matter. I tend to think that its better to ask early when it comes to things like borrowing cars and childcare than to just assume it wont happen or to wait until the last minute and decide or ask than. I think a lot of things could have been dealt with much more smoothly if my family (and myself) had better commmunication skills. I am sure its like this in most families and most of the time our communcation is in fighting and I hate that. I have tried to be better about it. I have tried to walk away instead of argueing or yelling at my siblings when things get tense or heated. But I wish others would do the same. I wish that we would all talk more and argue less. I think its interesting too how my family is so different "behind the scenes" than when others are around. Its interesting the show that my family portrays sometimes of all bliss and joy (like the brady bunch) but we are all struggling and behind the scenes there is the real drama! The reality TV! I want to be the positive influence in my family and try to change that! I know it isnt going to be easy but somehow I know we can be better talkers and communicators and it can be done without the tension and fighting.

In writing this blog I realized I think often its the same way with our Heavenly Father. He knows what we want or need but he is waiting to be asked. I was waiting all night for my mom to ask about my car and about watching my nephews but she didnt. SHe instead of asking if I had plans and if that could happen, just figured she would have to stay home and not go. It was the same way the other day, she needed a car but didnt ask. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, I asked her if she was taking my car or my sisters and she was like "I don't know, I just need a car but dont want to leave you or your sister without transportation" .... this was AFTER I had already told her I had a friend who told me she would take me to run my errands and could drive because we were already planning on hanging out and would be in one car together anyway... so I think that more often than not Heavenly Father is waiting and waiting for us to ask and instead we beat around the bush and make things more complicated. We try and wait for another solution to come around when the most obvious one is a prayer away! Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy. He wants us to have the things we need and desire and I hope that we can keep the lines of communication free and clear with him. I hope that we are often talking with him and in tune with the Spirt to receive his responses! I also hope that we are communicating with our family and friends. Telling them the things they need to know, and asking the questions we need to ask! I hope we never assume or make judgements. In the long run it just leads to heartache and confusion! Its easier to ask and talk.... my new motto is going to be "Why wait? Communicate!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Walking (slipping) VS Wheelchairs

Ok so mostly everyone knows that 4 months ago I had knee surgery.... but maybe you don't know the story/stories leading up to the surgery. So several years ago (about 4 or 5) I was hiking with some friends. While we were up at what is called the punch bowls I was walking over to where my friend David was standing to also put my feet in the water, well unknown to me at the edge of the water where he was standing there was some underlying algae on the surface of the rock... so as I stepped in I slipped. I didnt actually fall (David helped prevent that) but I twisted my knee. But of course this was approximately 4 miles into the mountain with multiple inclines and declines and several rock formations to scale etc and I had to hike back out of the mountain that day. SO that was the start of my knee problems. Since that day I have had weird moments while walking etc but I never went to the doctor because I injured my knee on a weekend and it sorta felt better a few days later. But there was some residual somethign going on but it never lasted long so I never worried too much and I just kinda figured that someday it was going to lead to a knee replacement for me! Then back in Dec I was jumping on my trampoline which was something I rather enjoyed doing when while I was jumping I got a funny feeling in my knee and I kinda fell. It didnt hurt at the time, but having known there was something done previously and it acted weird from time to time I got off the trampoline at that time. The next day my knee was hurting a little. and for a few days it gradually got worse and worse until about a week later I wound up at the doctor, went back a month after that and was at the orthopaedic a few weeks later. And a couple months later was my surgery... anyways thats not the basis of this blog entry.....

so anyways since my surgery..... few weeks post-op I slipped when I was at the Temple. I had been in the baptistry and even though it was hard I was baptised for I think about 10 names. They were family names and I really wanted to do them myself, but if it had been too hard I wouldve had someone else do them. Anyways I had finished and gotten dressed and was confirmed for the names and when I went back into the locker room I slipped on the wet floor and felt my knee like stretch or pull or something and got pretty sore again the next day. SO I told the doctor about having slipped the next week. Things got better. Then I think I had a similar incident at home in the bathroom one day on our tile floor.... But my knee got better. I went back to work and all was well and I was loving life again! Then I was at home getting ready to go shopping, went in to brush my teeth and slipped again on the bathroom floor!!! UGH.... and of course that night while walking around good Ol Walmart my knee was getting sore again. and then it seemed ok. But the following week it started feeling really stiff and tight all the time. Than almost 2 weeks after the "slip" I started getting pains again! I was at work and asked to go home early it was hurting so bad! Then that night I was getting sharp pains when I would take a step, and the next day at church....I was even using my crutches (which I hate doing) it was that bad. Went to the doctor and he thought maybe I twisted and tore the MCL with the slip. He wanted me to stay off it....impossible! I ended up out of work again....

Well than last week I went to get my oil changed.... I got to the dealership, got my purse and my pen case (I have this case of gel pens with a handle on top that I had put some stationary into as well for writing letters) and was walking inside to get my oil changed when I tripped on the curb... this time wasnt just a slip though. I Went down! Witnessed and all! But when I went down I managed to only go down on my R knee and scrape it, not my surgery knee.... later that day I was scheduled to see the doctor for a steroid shot.... I didnt tell him about the fall.... that was weds.

On thurs Laura and I went to the Aquarium, and while there and petting the sharks and sting rays I didnt slip but I did bump my knee on the wall of the petting tank...ouch....

On Fri night I decided I was going to the dance, even though I cant do much with my knee (not that I could dance before I am pretty lame-o) but I wanted to hang out! (Plus there was a guy I wanted to see there) So Laura and I went to go to pick up Chelsea and she was making cookies so when we got there she invited us in. I was telling her she had to take it easy on my because my knee is still injured but I was going anyways.... I finished telling her this and as we started walking towards the kitchen I fell off the step.... I didnt realize her floor dropped where we were standing! So yes I had slipped again..... I know there seems to be a pattern here..... so I went dancing and stuff and survived the weekend. Although gradually over the weekend I started getting sore again and I dont know if its from the shot or the dancing or what....

Then yesterday Renee and I went to the movies. After the movie had ended and we stood up in our row to walk out I kinda staggered a bit (like I was drunk or something) and almost fell into the chairs..... anyways after that incident she asked me if I have considered just buying an electric wheelchair instead of walking??? I was telling this story to Veronica today (only the movie part) and I thought it might be an interesting blog.... sometimes I wonder if maybe I really do need a wheelchair? I have always considered myself to be my own worst enemy. After all I tend to get a lot of bruises and not always know how/why. Then lately with my increased number of slips (luckily not all resulting in falls) maybe in my case it would be a pretty decent investment! Besides I have discovered a love for the wheelchair when it comes to lines at Disneyland! I am getting pretty good at maneuvering them too if I do say so myself! I got myself into and out of the bathroom at the Aquarium since Laura was doing something, Im not really sure what! It would help tone my arms more and get rid of the "English teacher flab" (as my sister once called it, because its what wiggles when the english teacher is writing on the chalkboard) on the underside of my biceps! :)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Too much lemonade...

SO I try to kinda live by the motto "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" but I have come to realize that sometimes I have way too much lemonade.... and thus the lemonade starts to taste less and less sweet and more and more bitter and I feel like lately I cannot balance the flavor! I've had a lot happening lately with going back out of work for my knee, and the constant drama at home, and because of the lack of disability checks there are overdue bills. Then there is a few of my friends who have told me this week they are moving out of state. Then there is the weight gain because of the lack of exercise because of the knee stuff, and so there is a decrease in self esteem again. Then there is the fighting with my family and just wanting to get away and not being able too! It just feels like I am getting more and more lemons than I can handle lately and I am starting to feel overwhelmed! I know that it will all work out and I know that it is all part of a bigger plan and that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me and I will be ok but it is hard in the meantime. I just wonder what to do with it all. I know I am going to learn from this experience but I don't know when or how. Right now I am focusing on the negative aspects of it all which I know is the wrong way to approach it but I am struggling to find the positives! Anyways I guess to turn my perspective around I need to focus on the things I know for sure... I know that I am a Daughter of God. I know that I have the truth and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the gospel. For the scriptures. For prayer and understanding. I am thankful that I finally have amazing home teachers who love me and who hold the priesthood and thus are able to bless me in times of struggle! I know that I can overcome anything with my Savior!~ That he died for ME and that he knows my struggles and has felt them before I have and so I know he can help me through this all! SO I know it will all work out and I will be ok! Life goes on and eventually the lemonade will taste perfect again!

Monday, July 7, 2008


Ok so even though it was the 4th of July and pretty much everyone I know was out watching fireworks, on Fri night I spent several hours on the computer doing geneological research for my family. I went through and prepared several names and on Sat I went to the Temple. We went to the baptistry and they said they were doing 10 names each. SO I kept 10 of my female names, gave 10 to a girl from my ward and 5 to her sister. I also had 33 male names that were dispersed among the brethren that were there. So I got to watch two of the brethren do my names, as well as both Mellissa and Marla so it was my turn in the font. When I got there they told me they were going to have me do 3 extra names and I said no problem. So of the extra names I did 2 and then the witnesses were saying something to the baptizer and they were talking about whether I went under or something (Im not really sure) and then the baptizer was like "your nose is bleeding" and so I had to leave the font. :( but because I had family names they told me when I got it stopped I could come back to the font and be next in line again. They gave the 3rd extra name to someone else and I took care of the nose. (on a sidenote I had 2 bloody noses in the wee hours of morning the night before as this was the third in a short timeframe) So after I got it stopped I noticed a small spot of blood on the jumpsuit so another sister got me an extra, and I went back. I did my 10 family names and was leaving the font when a girl in line told me my nose was bleeding again. SO I again got it under control and got dressed for confirmations where it briefly started a 3rd time at the Temple. So all in all I had 5 bloody noses in about 12 hours.... now I have a very raw and sore spot in my left nostril (i know you are probably not interested in that info....but oh well) so anyways it was amazing to be at the Temple despite a few setbacks. To be honest I really think these particular family members were really working hard to get their work done and Satan was really trying to prevent it. I actually had some problems with the research and preparatory stuff on Fri night and was getting very frustrated and almost gave up on doing any family names at that time, until I said a little prayer and remembered what it was all about and things started working out better. Than with the bloody noses.... I am glad that I was able to finish the names even if it was the second time around! It was amazing! Then because we had some extra time I even went upstairs and was able to do 10 of the initiatories for my female ancestors! I loved it! After the Temple time we all went and got food and met up a little later at a local beach for some hangin out and a bonfire! The sunset was amazing adn the water was nice! I had a great day overall!!! I LOVE the Temple and am so thankful for every opportunity I have to be there!

Thursday, July 3, 2008


SO thats where I am.... my friend and her husband are on a mini vacation and I am house sitting. Its kinda nice I guess because it gets me away from the noise and the chaos and the drama at home, but at the same time I am not used to the quietness. There is of course the puppy and the two cats, but mostly its just me.... I know I am old enough to be alone but I don't like it. I have been alone before even a couple times in hotels in unfamiliar cities, but I don't like being in a house alone. It makes me a little nervous. I am sure I am and will be fine but in the meanwhile Im lonely! Laura came over for a little while earlier but she is gone now. Oh well. I think thats partially why I haven't moved out on my own (aside from the fact that California is way expensive) I don't like being alone. Before even when I was a teenager and stuff i wouldn't even walk to the car at night alone and now I am still nervous when I do but being in a house with multiple rooms for things to hide in its even creepier! Well I think I am going to read some scriptures and be off to bed! Sorry this is a boring post!