Sunday, February 24, 2013

Friendly Vs Flirting

I have always been a friendly person. I like to talk and joke and laugh. I have no problem talking to girls or guys, younger or older. I have been this way since I can remember. I can be a little quiet and reserved at first until I get to know a few people and start to feel more comfortable. Then look out world Renee is gonna have fun. I am friends with a lot of the families in church and most of those relationships started because I love kids! I think I started by acknowledging their cute children and naturally had to get to know the parents (who as it turns out, are just as cool as the kiddos) I also talk to a lot of the elderly I know in my life. They have a lot more experience than I do, and I love to hear their stories and learn from their examples.

I am a person who can be in most circumstances and look for the good. I can be at a party and the only sober one, but still laughing and joking and mostly having fun. I sing karaoke and make a fool of myself and don’t really care. People ask me all the time if I want to sing in the choir at church (or why I am not singing) and it’s because I don’t feel confident enough to do so. I know that the people there are talented and I don’t see that in myself. I don’t know how to read music. I don’t know the difference between key of E or key of G or … (any of them) I just want to have fun. I usually do have fun too! Karaoke is fun for me. I can make a fool of myself and I learn not to sing that song again! Or I can do alright on a song and get some compliments and know I should add it to my list of songs to sing.

The thing that gets me though is that sometimes my friendliness is mistaken for flirting. I don’t really know how to solve that problem. I am not going to ignore people just because they’re the opposite sex. I am a friendly person. In fact if I like someone, it actually makes it harder for me to talk to them. I am afraid to embarrass myself. I blush SUPER easy and am afraid that something will be said that will give it all away! But I have had some close friends say that I am flirty. I guess I don’t really know where the line is drawn between the two, because I don’t feel as if I am being flirty in most situations where I am being accused. So if this is the case with someone who might be reading this I am sorry. It really is unintentional.

I had someone tell me recently that someone told them I liked their husband because I talk to him etc. Luckily she knows me well enough to know that isn’t the case. I appreciate her telling me though, but it makes me wonder why someone would say that? I talk to him and a lot of other people in the same situation. If I am passing someone in the hall I typically say hello. I treat him the same as I treat several other people in the same scenario. It doesn’t make sense to me why someone would accuse me of that. I have a lot of respect for the bonds of matrimony! I have a lot of respect even for someone that I know is dating someone else. I would NEVER try to jeopardize someone else’s relationship despite any feelings of my own. If you go back a few blog posts and read my poem “Untouchable” it’s about exactly what I am saying now. I wouldn’t want someone to try to form a relationship with a guy I am dating/married to etc. so I would never do that to a guy who I know is in one! But it doesn’t mean I won’t talk to that guy. It doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with that guy. I think that every relationship needs to have an element of trust.  Again, If I have crossed any lines for this topic I am sorry. I promise that it’s completely unintentional. Even the guy involved in this specific case told me not to worry about it.  He told me that he enjoys talking to me and that if someone was to say something to him specifically HE would tell them it’s not true. I appreciated that. Even though I am still hurt that someone would spread the rumor in the first place.

I prefer it when people are honest with me. I would much rather you tell me the truth about something than to let it go and be bothered by it. I would rather know and be able to work on a solution or compromise than to be offending anyone unknowingly. So if my friendliness is coming on a little strong, please don’t hesitate to tell me to “settle down” a little bit. It may hurt just a tad but I would rather try to be more careful than to lose the friendship all together. I think that for me being overweight has caused me to have a little bit of a lower self esteem naturally. But at the same time I am working on that. I am really starting to remind myself that my body doesn’t define who I am. (You can read about that in my Valentines Day post “Simply Single” So now when I do step outside my comfort zone I think that it is misunderstood.  Maybe that’s why I’ve become overly friendly sometimes! I do like to have fun and make new friends and hang out. I like to feel like I “fit in”. It’s comforting to know that someday I will find my “Mr. Right” as far as I can tell he isn’t in my life yet. If it is someone I already know, I have no idea who it is! For now I am enjoying being me. I am working on loosing weight and trying to be healthier. I am enjoying my independence and trying to be a better me. I want to be the best that I can be so that I am ready to give myself 100% to the guy of my dreams. I think that is all I can do. So I am going to continue being friendly. I am going to continue to be who I am and if someone has a problem with that I hope that they are the kind of person who will come to ME about it. I hope that they will be honest with ME. Don’t say things that you don’t know or understand. I am (in my eyes at least) being friendly and not flirting probably more often than not! … well that’s my vent for the night. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Simply Single

 Single on Valentines day yet again... But remind me why this is a bad thing? I mean, it's not that I don't wish I had a significant other to share it with, but when it comes down to it I need to lose weight so chocolates are not good. I have more stuffed animals than I need so I don't need any more of those and although fresh flowers smell and look beautiful today, they won't be as fresh in a week (nor would they be as expensive). So it wasn't a "bad" day for me really. But then again, never having had a significant other on Valentines day I guess I have nothing to compare it to. I do remember one Valentines day I had an appointment with my surgeon to get stitches removed from my wrist, and another Valentines Day I spent with my friends Collin and Remy and we had Togo's for lunch and went for a drive (Collin's car was fairly new at the time I believe, and since it's an '04, it was maybe 2005 when that happened) so I haven't always been home alone.  It's nice to know that I don't have to fight crowds and long waits to have dinner tonight. I don't have to feel pressured to "go out" tonight.

I really am blessed though, I don't really have much experience in the dating scene or in any real relationships and although sometimes that can be a bit depressing. I really do know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends and family and I have some friends that have been by my side for a long long time and I know that if I were to call them I could cry on their shoulder! I don't understand how some women feel the need to always be with someone. How they focus their lives on being in a relationship. I cannot wait to get married and have a family someday but I am quite capable of being on my own. It's reassuring knowing that I can take care of things on my own. That I know how to assemble furniture, and to do household repairs. I like knowing how to work on my car and maybe that makes me a little bit of a Tom-boy but who cares? I like the NHRA Drag races and classic cars. Some girls like watching sports with their boyfriends/husbands and some are annoyed by their significant others being into that kind of stuff. I am ok with it! I know that I have things I enjoy that my future spouse may not like and vice-versa but there is nothing wrong with that. It'll be nice to have some levels of independance. It'll be nice to enjoy things together like fishing and hiking and camping, but to let him watch the game with the guys. (Unless its the Dodgers I like going to their games... on TV he can watch alone)

I feel as if my thoughts on this post are a little scattered or jumbled, but mostly I wanted to say Happy Valentines Day to all my friends and family. Thanks for loving me and making sure that I know I am loved. I don't feel sad that I am "alone" because I know that I am a Daughter of God and I know that someday it will happen that I will be in a relationship with someone who may not be perfect, but who will be perfect for me and we will both be able to enjoy the day together. In the meantime, I wore a cute red top today (and it did get noticed by a few people, one being a guy) and I felt confident and happy. That's all that really matters if you ask me. That is one thing that has happened in my life in the past few years. I have become a lot more confident. I have really started to notice who I am even more than before and although I do more frequently wear make-up than I used to, I still wear it minimally. But I have found that balance to make sure I feel beautiful enough to face everyday as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. It's given me confidence and I know that it's helped me to make new friends and to really appreciate myself and to not be so negative about the things I don't like about me. Thus making me love myself. That's the first step right? Love myself so that others can love me and I can love them?

So no, it's not a bad thing that I am single still this year. Who knows maybe with all this beauty and confidence, this will be my lucky year... if not I still have those friends and family and will still work on nto letting Valentine's Day get me down.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Back to the beginning

Well the time is almost here... tomorrow afternoon I will meet my newest orthopedic doctor for my knee. I cannot lie, I am starting to freak out a little bit. This is something I have known was coming but to some degree was avoiding. I knew that my knee was getting worse, but I kept thinking I would do what I could to lose weight first and I would do what I could to show that I am doing all I can to make it better. But the longer it's been the harder its becoming. I am watching my portions on food and trying to cook healthier, I pack my lunches for work, and although I am not perfect I really have been trying to be better about what I am eating. I try to walk and do as much as I can. Sometimes more than I should. Yet my weight is still up and my knee is worse. I tried to blame it on the colder weather thinking that in time it would settle down again and I could do more... but then a few weeks ago I had a really bad night. (I've actually had several bad days/nights but ignored them or tried not to let people know, but that night I got caught in a moment of pain and couldn't hide it) 

Part of my hesitation aside from trying to do other things first knowing they would help, was knowing I had to start over. Knowing that once again my insurance has changed and so I had to start at the beginning. I had to make an appointment with my primary physician, then get the referral to the ortho. I really like my new primary physician though, and in meeting with him I got to talk about some other stuff that was helpful. Now tomorrow is the "big day". I know where it's leading. They are going to want to probably get a new MRI (not fun) and they're going to push and prod and poke and I am not looking forward to it. Nothing like them making your knee do stuff that hurts to make it hurt worse. I would take a pain pill before the appointment to help it but I want them to know how much it does hurt. How I start limping before I can finish walking thru a store. How despite having a cool wheelchair & typically shorter lines I would prefer to stand and walk at Disneyland. I miss the hiking and playing sports and being able to walk on the sand at the beach. I want to be able to go ice skating and to go places without being uncomfortable. I haven't been able to bowl in years because the last time I went I was miserable for 2 weeks after! I want to be able to wear heels again (not tall ones, but I am sick of flats) I want to be able to play with my nephews, pick them up and spin them around without worrying about my knee giving out and droppping them. 

I hate the fact that I am experiencing new symptoms. Pain in parts of my knee that didn't hurt before! Pain that I don't know how to describe in order to tell them what is going on. I hate that I cannot sit on a chair comfortably, or on the floor, or the pew at church. Or get comfortable in bed. I hate that no matter what I am either uncomfortable, in pain or will be after I am done with whatever I was doing or how I was sitting. I hate that I have to stand at the copier at work like a flamingo because I don't want to stand and put weight on my leg because I am sore. I hate that when I try and do my old physical therapy exercises I cannot do them anymore because of the pain. 

I wonder what's going to happen if I have surgery again. I hope I can get the time off work and not lose my job. I really do enjoy my new office. I am barely getting by on my pay but I am making it work. I sort of watched "Annie" today at work (I say sorta because I put on a movie but am mostly listen to it while working not really watching it) All I can think about is the song when she gets to the house and she sings "I think Im going to like it here" I really do finally feel like I fit in at work...  I have been making friends and am thankful for the opportunities I have had thus far and am looking forward to new experiences in the future thanks to my new friends and coworkers.

I wonder how I am going to get up and down the stairs at my new place if I have surgery again. It won't be easy that's for sure! I wonder if tomorrow he is going to tell me to start using a cane or crutches again (even temporarily) or if he will give me a brace again. I don't like to draw attention to myself and a few of my coworkers have already learned about my knee stuff. I don't want to have to be obvious about it. I really don't like it. So although I am hopeful that maybe I can finally be on the road to some sort of recovery and be able to get back to life as it once was there is a part of me that thinks it's starting to be like my wrist. I have already had 4 wrist surgeries and I can already feel the cyst is back in it again. I am starting to feel like it too is needing another visit to the Dr! I have had 3 knee surgeries! I don't want it to be like my wrist. i don't want a permanent partial disability in it! I want to be done with it! Well I should be getting to bed! I am tired and have a big day tomorrow!