Back to the beginning

Well the time is almost here... tomorrow afternoon I will meet my newest orthopedic doctor for my knee. I cannot lie, I am starting to freak out a little bit. This is something I have known was coming but to some degree was avoiding. I knew that my knee was getting worse, but I kept thinking I would do what I could to lose weight first and I would do what I could to show that I am doing all I can to make it better. But the longer it's been the harder its becoming. I am watching my portions on food and trying to cook healthier, I pack my lunches for work, and although I am not perfect I really have been trying to be better about what I am eating. I try to walk and do as much as I can. Sometimes more than I should. Yet my weight is still up and my knee is worse. I tried to blame it on the colder weather thinking that in time it would settle down again and I could do more... but then a few weeks ago I had a really bad night. (I've actually had several bad days/nights but ignored them or tried not to let people know, but that night I got caught in a moment of pain and couldn't hide it) 

Part of my hesitation aside from trying to do other things first knowing they would help, was knowing I had to start over. Knowing that once again my insurance has changed and so I had to start at the beginning. I had to make an appointment with my primary physician, then get the referral to the ortho. I really like my new primary physician though, and in meeting with him I got to talk about some other stuff that was helpful. Now tomorrow is the "big day". I know where it's leading. They are going to want to probably get a new MRI (not fun) and they're going to push and prod and poke and I am not looking forward to it. Nothing like them making your knee do stuff that hurts to make it hurt worse. I would take a pain pill before the appointment to help it but I want them to know how much it does hurt. How I start limping before I can finish walking thru a store. How despite having a cool wheelchair & typically shorter lines I would prefer to stand and walk at Disneyland. I miss the hiking and playing sports and being able to walk on the sand at the beach. I want to be able to go ice skating and to go places without being uncomfortable. I haven't been able to bowl in years because the last time I went I was miserable for 2 weeks after! I want to be able to wear heels again (not tall ones, but I am sick of flats) I want to be able to play with my nephews, pick them up and spin them around without worrying about my knee giving out and droppping them. 

I hate the fact that I am experiencing new symptoms. Pain in parts of my knee that didn't hurt before! Pain that I don't know how to describe in order to tell them what is going on. I hate that I cannot sit on a chair comfortably, or on the floor, or the pew at church. Or get comfortable in bed. I hate that no matter what I am either uncomfortable, in pain or will be after I am done with whatever I was doing or how I was sitting. I hate that I have to stand at the copier at work like a flamingo because I don't want to stand and put weight on my leg because I am sore. I hate that when I try and do my old physical therapy exercises I cannot do them anymore because of the pain. 

I wonder what's going to happen if I have surgery again. I hope I can get the time off work and not lose my job. I really do enjoy my new office. I am barely getting by on my pay but I am making it work. I sort of watched "Annie" today at work (I say sorta because I put on a movie but am mostly listen to it while working not really watching it) All I can think about is the song when she gets to the house and she sings "I think Im going to like it here" I really do finally feel like I fit in at work...  I have been making friends and am thankful for the opportunities I have had thus far and am looking forward to new experiences in the future thanks to my new friends and coworkers.

I wonder how I am going to get up and down the stairs at my new place if I have surgery again. It won't be easy that's for sure! I wonder if tomorrow he is going to tell me to start using a cane or crutches again (even temporarily) or if he will give me a brace again. I don't like to draw attention to myself and a few of my coworkers have already learned about my knee stuff. I don't want to have to be obvious about it. I really don't like it. So although I am hopeful that maybe I can finally be on the road to some sort of recovery and be able to get back to life as it once was there is a part of me that thinks it's starting to be like my wrist. I have already had 4 wrist surgeries and I can already feel the cyst is back in it again. I am starting to feel like it too is needing another visit to the Dr! I have had 3 knee surgeries! I don't want it to be like my wrist. i don't want a permanent partial disability in it! I want to be done with it! Well I should be getting to bed! I am tired and have a big day tomorrow!