Tears and Fears

Ok so i started to write this blog and did something and it all went bye-bye. So I've waited and now am ready to re-type it all. (well not really ready to per-say but I have no choice if I plan to share it here). So Mon afternoon was my doctor appointment to get my MRI results. First off since my Dad came home from the hospital on Sat I am not the sole babysitter of my nephews now so before my appointment I finally got to go to a weight watchers meeting. I have been wanting to do so for awhile now but wasn't able to. I decided it is about time I start paying more attention again (I lost over 30 pounds on weight watchers before but because of my lack of activity with the knee problems I've gained most of that back and then some unfortunately) so I am getting back on track there! So I went to the meeting and started up again. Then went from there to my 1:30 appointment. I got there and pretty much immediately they brought me back. Now luckily I had brought a book with me because I ended up waiting there until after 2pm when Adam (Physicians Assistant) came in. He asked how I had been doing and stuff and I told him the truth, that its not much better than before. Using the crutches to walk with has helped a little but it still gets sore etc. He had me get on the table and checked some stuff and told me what the MRI report said. Basically it showed nothing new. He said it mentioned some bruising on the patella (knee-cap) and something about the top of the Tibia but both things were noted more towards the outside of the knee and my pain is primarily on the inside so they don't think it is related. He told me they were going downstairs to get the actual copies of teh MRI films for him and Dr. Davis to look at personally, and to discuss any possible options. So he left me waiting some more! Need less to say I got to read a lot of my book during the time at the dr's office! So after he came back he said they too didn't notice anything. He said because it has only been about 4 weeks since the final Euflexxa injection there is still a chance it may make a difference. He said if I had noticed any changes after the cortisone injection they could maybe do another (but I hadn't) so it wouldn't really be worth it to try. So he said they are kind of at a loss as to what to try. So they suggested getting a second opinion. He said that it is common for them to send patients for a second opinion because often since they have been treating me this whole time they could easily be overlooking something. He said they send patients to other orthopaedics as well as others send their patients to them for second opinions. He said in the meantime to completely stay off the knee. So now instead of walking with the crutches I am supposed to actually be "crutching" with them. I have to wait for the insurance approval and authorization to come through for the other ortho to then make an appointment. I have my MRI films and reports and after I see the other dr I can follow up again with Dr Davis and Adam. So I did a lot of crying on Mon. It is kind of a relief for the MRI to have been clear, but it is really frustrating too because they don't know what is causing the pain! It is hard for me to use the crutches because I am scared to re-aggravate my wrist problems. It feels like I am stuck in a losing situation!

I did have a smart idea though after the fact. I can use a wheelchair for as much as I can when not at home and stuff instead of the crutches and that would help a lot, because I can use my right leg to kind of walk the chair as well as the wheels. So it wouldn't be as much pressure on my bad wrist! So I texted a friend who I knew had a wheelchair (because I have borrowed it in the past) to see if I could temporarily borrow it again and possibly for a little bit of a longer time. I was then also looking at classified ads online thinking that maybe if I could find one that was reasonably inexpensive I could purchase one and not have to keep borrowing one. (But I wasn't having much luck finding one) Plus then down the road it would always be good to have around with my Dad and stuff. While I was looking online she texted me back and said I could borrow it for as long as needed and that she would just ask her dad if I could keep it because they never use it anyway. It was an answer to my prayers. I was kind of worried about borrowing it incase something happened to it, but if she does give it to me than I wouldn't have that fear and it would be beneficial long term! :) SO despite all the tears and fears it may work out afterall! I just really hope that like they said having an outside objective opinion that this other ortho may notice something they are overlooking that I may get better soon!

I have been doing a lot of thinking though, and have decided as much as I hate to I am going to start looking into other career options. I have decided to apply for a dispatcher job for Simi PD. It would be good because even if I do get better it would be less pressure on my knee so I wouldn't have to worry about returning to work and re-injuring it again! They pay almost double what I make as an EMT (and thats just for trainees! After training the salary goes up like $3) I wouldn't have the commute I currently have for work so I could save on gas as well as the wear and tear on my car! So with all the extra money I could be making and or saving I could hopefully pay off my debts sooner. Once I do that then I could look into moving out and into a place of my own! It would be really great! I am scared about all this and I hate the thought of maybe not returning to the ambulance but when I look at the pros and cons with my current situation I think it is the smartest choice I can make. Besides even through the phone line I can makle a difference and help people it just wouldnt be hands on like in the ambulance! The application and potential hiring process can take sveral months because they do testing and background checks and so forth and so I am hoping to apply soon because maybe by the time I could get hired my knee may be better as well! At least I hope so! Then I can start fresh and by then I will hopefully have lost weight and can be ready for a new start!

My tears and fears may turn into smiles by the time 2009 rolls in!