Confidence

I have started wearing make-up on a more regular basis lately. Instead of occasionally it's become almost daily (I'm slowly working up to it) but it's been several times a week for sure at least almost always when I am going somewhere. I have never been a complete tom-boy or anything of the sort, but I have always dressed to be comfortable and usually wear my hair down so I am usually mostly "girly". But I have discovered I am starting to feel more confident when I am wearing make-up. I noticed I am a little more open and playful, I have noticed I've gotten a little more attention too. Which I've never really had a problem with people acknowledging me or anything but I think I get more now. I really think it is a direct relation to the make up. Because as I am more self-assured and confident I think it shows in my mannerisms and attitude and thus makes me more approachable. I think before I was always on my own doing my own thing and friendly with everyone but now even though I am still doing my own thing and friendly I am more open too. I like that feeling. I am glad that I am opening up more. That I am learning to be more confident and less reserved in new surroundings. I am still quiet sometimes and I am still a little shy, but I am more open too if that makes sense. I guess I am learning to be who I am inside. I am learning who I am and I am letting people see that. I am growing in so many ways and it's a good thing! Life is good!

Service and a BBQ

First I must say I was up way too late last night making macaroni salad, doing laundry and dishes... then I got up kinda early for me (since I am not working and mostly sleep in now-a-days) I got up to go to the church building to help be a driver and pick up food donations for the Salute to Arms lunch. We were asked to be there at 9:30 and told it'd probably take a couple hours. So I picked up J. (she was my "helper") and we got to the building. We were told a little about the lunch and the donations and one of the Vets that was being honored. It was cool. Than we were given the assignments for picking up food. I was going to go to KFC, Panda 1 Buffet and El Paseo. The pick up times for my locations were 11 and 11:15. So J. and I went and got a quick breakfast first (since we both hadn't eaten) and then got the food. My car now smells like a mix of fried chicken and chow mien with a hint of burritos. :) I was really tired because we had been out a little later than anticipated at a BBQ last night and then I got in bed late. But doing the service for the vets and knowing that my parents were going to the lunch made it feel so worth it and I wasn't feeling as tired anymore from my 3 1/3 hours of sleep!

Than I came home added a little more mayo to my salad, put it in a disposable container and we picked up A. and went to Newbury Park for a combined YSA bbq. It was a lot of fun and I met some new people. I was invited to join in playing beach volleyball, frisbee and football. Which I would have loved to play (or attempt to play) all 3 but because of my knee I had to be a sideline observer! It was kinda depressing really! But I was blessed and felt very loved as I was never left sitting alone! I had a great time and got to joke around with some friends new and old! It was so much fun! But than after the 3 hours in the sun there we had to leave so A. could get to work. I took her home so she could shower and then I picked up some Jamba Juice for her and her co-workers since she didn't have time to stop before work, and met her there. When I sat down there I was starting to feel the effects of little sleep plus time in the sun and after dropping of J. at home I came home myself for a nap! I slept for about an hour and a half than went and was on the couch attempting to stay awake which I failed miserably at and about another hour and a half later my mom woke me up! So now after a few hours being awake, I think I may do a couple more things than hit the hay for the night!

SOMEONE

I kind of like someone.
But does he like me too?
I kind of like someone
And yet I’m feeling blue.

I don’t know how to tell him.
To say what’s in my heart.
I don’t know how to tell him,
I don’t know where to start.

I don’t like keeping secrets.
Yet it’s what I do.
I don’t like keeping secrets.
I wish I could just tell you.

I wish I had the courage
To say what’s on my mind
I wish I had the courage.
Is this why love is blind?

I often see you smiling,
At me and others too
When I see you smiling
It makes me smile too.

I wonder what you think
Am I the girl for you?
I wonder what you think
Can you feel it too?

My heart goes pitter patter
When you’re in the room
My heart goes pitter patter
For there can be no gloom.

I don’t know what I’m doing.
How this came to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
This doesn’t feel like me.

If I knew the answer,
Do you like me too.
If I knew the answer
What would I do?

We tease each other.
The time passes too fast
We tease each other
I can’t make those moments last.

If you’re feeling lonely,
Know that I am too.
If you’re feeling lonely
I’d love to go out with you.

I kind of like someone.
Do you like me too?
I kind of like someone.
Yet I’m feeling blue.

Renee L. Conaway
5-21-2009

Tracks

The tracks are long,
And they are smooth.
The tracks go on,
Carrying me and you.

I’m on this train,
Riding along
I’m on this train,
Humming a song.

I need a destination,
A place to get off.
For now I ride the train,
Waiting for it’s stop.

I don’t know where I’m going
I’ve yet to figure that out
As I ride the train
I’ll filter through my doubt.

My faith is in the conductor.
He helps me know I’m safe
I’ll reach my destination
I’ll recognize the place.

There is a change ahead
A split in the tracks
lights are flashing red,
There’s no looking back.

Now as we change direction
The split has sent us right
My faith in the conductor
Reminds me not to fight

As the engine purrs
The wheels go clickety- clack
We hear the whistle blowing
The caboose is in the back

I’m closer to my destination
The tracks are miles long
But yet I ride the train
My faith will keep me strong

The eternal tracks we ride
Can sometimes seem unsure
But heaven’s on our side
We know the path is pure

Track changes leave us wondering
What can be in store?
That wonder leads to knowing
What we signed up for.

He will not leave us dangling
We do not ride alone
I know my destination
It’s my eternal home

I know the change is good
It’s all part of the plan
I wouldn’t jump off now
Even if I could

I know this trains secure
It’s staying on the track
I’ll contemplate for sure
But I’m not going back

Heavenly father drives this train
He is the conductor
His plan to some is plain
But it’s easy trusting the Savior

I cannot jump this track
I’ve traveled it too far
Looking into the past, I cannot go back
It’s only where memories are

I’m riding on this train
I’m looking forward
There may be changes again
Eternity is an earned reward

I’m thankful for my ride
That the tracks are layed
As I sit inside
I’ll listen and obey.

The tracks are long,
They’re smooth yet bumpy too
But they’ll go on
Carrying me and you

Ride heavenly fathers train
It’s the only one we want
He’ll guide us through the pain
And lead us to the front

When we find eternity
There we can get off
If they ask you for a ticket
Our Savior paid the cost

I’ll read and fast and pray
While I ride along
I’ll stay on track everyday
Singing heavens songs

I’m riding on the right train
I was led to it somehow
I know my destination
There’s no turning back now

The tracks are long
And they are smooth
The tracks go on
Carrying me and you


Renee L Conaway
5-17-2009

Goodnight

Well since it is after midnight already this basically/ technically happened yesterday... but since I haven't gone to bed yet I am going to say "this morning". Last night my friend Jen spent the night. We had stayed up late talking (as girls usually do) and just hanging out. When we finally went to sleep I was on my bed and she was on an air mattress on my floor. No big deal. Than this morning we both woke up around the same time I think. As we both discovered the other one to be awake we started to chat while still lying in the beds. When all of a sudden the door opened and we both got kinda quiet...it was my nephew Elijah (who is now 2& 1/2 almost 3 *in Aug*) this was the conversation and list of events that followed:

Elijah: Nay, you awake?
Me: No I'm still sleeping
Elijah: Oh ok, (there is a pause) friend awake?
Me: No, she's sleeping too
Elijah: Okay (then there was another pause) goodnight.
Me: Goodnight
Elijah: Goodnight
Jen: goodnight
Elijah: goodnight

Than the door closed. We waited a few seconds than we both started giggling. I got up to get my glasses when I heard the door again, so I quickly hopped onto my bed again and pretended to sleep.

*I made a snoring sound
*Jen made a snoring sound

The door closed again

We both waited a little longer this time and giggled again and started chatting

The door opened:

Elijah and Isaiah both came in...the game was over. We lost and got bombarded with babies!

I love my nephews! I especially love the stage of life they are in, both are learning and growing and discovering new things. Elijah is talking loads more now, and Isaiah is starting to walk and get into stuff. But I love that Elijah like most kids just says the funniest stuff! I miss that show "kids say the darndest things" I think if he wasn't so shy around strangers he would be perfect on there! He also has been calling jennifer "girlfriend" instead of jennifer, and when he does use her name he just says "jen-fer" so cute!!!!

Transition Hug

I am and have pretty much always been a "hugger" I enjoy giving (and receiving) hugs!! I cannot say how much I love it. Well I have this guy friend at church. We have gone to church together for awhile now and several months back we started talking more because of a mutual friend. Lately it seems we talk even more than before. It's been kind of nice. But I realized on Sun that I frequently talk to him at church but I don't even give him a handshake. :-( I feel like I am a horrible friend! I really enjoy talking to him and I noticed (more than once on Sun and last week too) that I often will be talking to him and someone will see me and come and give me a hug. Or someone will be near him that I want to say hello to and so I will go and hug them. So I frequently hug others in his presence and yet I didn't even give him a shake! I felt so guilty and I want to hug him (since we are talking more and stuff) but I don't know how to transition into hugging him.

He is kind of a quiet guy, maybe a little shy but I don't want it to be awkward that I suddenly give him a hug. But it seemed like I noticed on Sun that as I hugged someone else he looked like he would've hugged me back had I made the move to hug him..... He has also been a little more "touchy" with me too lately. On Sun as he told me something he touched my shoulder and he also at one point came up behind me and poked me in the sides, which was very out of the ordinary! So I want to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to transition into hugging someone without it being awkward when up until now I have been so rude and not even given them a handshake (that I can recall)

Want vs Need

This is always a tricky topic especially among women who love to shop. Me I can get myself into trouble way too easily (and often do) and lately I was made aware of a new Samsung camera phone from T-mobile. It has an 8 megapixel camera on it, and is a touch screen phone. Ohh way exciting was my first thought because I love my phone and I especially love taking pictures and always carry my camera with me... this way I could condense a little from time to time.... It was way exciting until I saw the $500 price tag, even if i update my account it had a $400 price tag. Too much for my disabilty budget. Besides I just got a new phone last year. So it wasn't really a "need". But that didn't stop me from doing research about it. I was excited still but learned it's battery life isn't the greatest if you use it frequently..... well of course I would be using it frequently if it's my phone and camera! I am not sure why they didn't plan that part out a little better. But while doing research Ilearned there is a motorola phone (I have always liked motorola phone features) that had a 5 megapixel camera on it, and it got better reviews. But it is not a touch screen phone.

So in the meanwhile my mom's phone has a broken screen and powers itself off at random etc. She "needs" a new phone. So we went to t-mobile so she could look at and play with the phones and check out the features. I played with the Samsung Memoir and did actually like it for the most part but the guy did say that yes the battery life stinks if used frequently. So that would drive me nuts! So I also looked at and played with the Motorola Zine while there too. I decided I really like the zine a lot better. So when I came home, just out of curiosity I checked online to see what my price would be with an upgrade since it's a $350 phone. It would still cost me $270. I decided again it was a want and not a need. I wasn't going to buy it or anything until I could get a lot better discount (plus by then they may have a newer better version anyway)

So then on Fri I was at Disneyland with my sister and a couple friends. We were having a lot of fun. It was going well. Late in the evening my mom texted me to ask if it was the new sidekick lx that I had liked in the tmobile store. I told her it was alright but that I liked a motorola phone better. She told me she had gotten a text to pre-order it and get a discount. I told her it was cool because even though I want a new phone I don't need a new phone. I was being a good girl! So then she was telling me she needs one. I said yeah. Then because we were getting onto a ride I put my phone in the side pocket of my purse where it had been all day long when I wasn't using it. We got on the ride and then a little while later I went to make a phone call.....

My phone wouldn't dial any numbers! I thought well that's weird! SO I played around with it a bit and discovered none of the buttons were working for me. I couldn't even get it to turn off! UGH so finally I took the battery out to "reset" it. I put it back in and when I turned it on the screen was completely blank except a line across the middle that said "download" I didn't know what that meant. I pushed some buttons and waited and nothing happened. So I took the battery out again. Then it turned on normally. Even some of the buttons were working, but not all of them. If I wanted to push 0 I got 8. I was so frustrated. So every time I tried something I either got no response what-so-ever or I got a response completely different than what I pushed.

I thought it was interesting how I went from having a conversation where I was being an adult and acknowledging I didn't need a new phone to within an hour seeming like I did! So the rest of the night my phone only worked for what it wanted to. I managed to read a text from my mom but couldn't respond so I had my sister text her back for me. I came home and figured I would try charging it and see if it was better in the morning and I was getting some more texts but this time I couldn't even read them! So I went to bed. But before I fell asleep I remembered I had a phone I had gotten for free for being a "good customer" and so I switched into it. (I had offered the phone to my mom in the past since she needs a phone but she didn't like it so she doesn't want it, I don't want you thinking I am keeping good phones from my mom) I called on Sat to see what it would cost for my phone and found out it is under warranty!!! Woohoo, so I am getting a replacement phone for free. Even though i still want the zine I am glad I don't have to pay anything for a new phone right now! I really am trying to be better with my finances!

I was a little worried though because my sim card is full so I had a lot of numbers I was unable to access in my phone memory. I thought I had lost them but the tech guy reminded me about being able to sync numbers to the my t-mobile account and luckily i had in the past so I was able to sync the back-up phone and so I have all my numbers too! Wooo good thing!

Daughter of GOD

I know that within a week or so ago I was writing about being invisible, but today (or rather yesterday I suppose since it's after midnight now) I wasn't feeling invisible. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to the Los Angeles Temple and help clean. We went not knowing what to expect and unsure what we would be doing. We arrived at 6 am (we were told to be there at 6:30) but people were there already so we went in. We got white jumpsuits and changed. They took us to the 4th floor where the ordinance worker locker rooms are. The worker there gave us some jobs to do (cleaning the marble, and the bathrooms etc.) I got a duster type thing on a telescopic handle and he wanted me to dust the walls! Yup the walls! So I did the room we were in and then he said to continue in the hall and into another 2 large rooms and the guys lockers and stuff. And the windows! I was doing a lot of walking and dusting! Although I do rather prefer that to scrubbing toilets so I was not complaining by any means and with the exception of a few stairs from time to time I was mostly exempt from bending my knee so that was nice. During this wall dusting I was in a large room and was dusting and in my peripheral vision I thought I saw someone and I was thinking maybe they were watching me so I looked over. It was a large mirror! I saw my reflection from across the room! Now at this point in time I had been working for over an hour, the jumpsuits are not exactly "figure friendly" for looking nice. I was sweaty and just working. But when I looked in the mirror instead of thinking how horrible or fat I looked or frumpy or whatever I thought to myself "there is a beautiful daughter of God!" I thought immediatly how lucky I was to be in the house of God and to be able to serve in that way there! Then when I realized how positive my thoughts were about myself I thought "that's what I need to think every time I look in the mirror, not just when in the temple" I was proud of myself for my positivity!

We did our stuff there and then some (he had other things he had us do) and then we went to the 3rd floor where the assembly hall is and I was dusting in that bathroom. Then I went into a room that the worker told us is the Prophets room when he is there having meetings. I dusted in there as well, and did as high as I could go on those windows. At one point walking through the assembly hall I was passing through the chairs which were covered in plactic. Not thinking much of it I just walked. I had gotten about 3/4 of the way through and all of a sudden the plastic seemed to be moving when I walked and it continued after I stopped. It was really interesting, before that it hadn't moved at all, then it was like I could feel the presence of other saints following me at that moment in time because when I stopped the plastic still moved a little bit. Then while dusting the windows the girls were at the far end of the hall and I heard a noise behind me and when I looked the sealers locker room door was closing (which had been closed all along to begin with) but I didn't see anyone go in or come out! I thought maybe it was the brother we had been working with but a minute or two later he came out of the bathroom in the middle of the hall! There is a slight chance someone went in there and exited a back way but I am not so sure of that, because I never even noticed anyone come through the room aside from those we were working with. It isn't really a shortcut to anywhere! It was interesting to say the least. I also dusted the sealers locker room and the veil workers locker room. The girls did the stuff they had been doing before in the other rooms and they polished the pews and pulpits at both ends. (Oh and we did have one 15 min break and a half hour lunch break during this time too) anyway during the time they were doing the pews my knee was getting pretty sore, I knew I had reached my limit, and they were both pretty tired too so we decided they'd finish what they were working on and then we would go. We had been asked in the assignment to go from 6:30 to 2:30 (which we discovered other wards broke up the time, as well as had different times to be there also) anyway around noon or just after we were done. They were ok with us leaving early. It was nice. What a blessing it was to be in the house of the Lord today! I was/am tired from getting up so early but I am glad I did! Now I think I am going to bed because I have been up for about 21 hours! I am ready for some shut eye!

100K

I have had my car now for 4 years and not quite 8 months. Yesterday it landmarked. I hit 100,000 miles!!!! I knew it was coming and then it happened! I know it may seem a trivial thing to blog about and it isn't something I should be excited about but I have been very blessed with my Honda CR-V. I (knock on wood) haven't had any major, major problems with it. I do get regular oil changes and I have changed the air filter a few times. I have also replaced the brakes and one headlight. The only major problem I have had with my car was when a piece of wire came through my radiator puncturing it. I had to have the car towed home and within a day or two I installed a new radiator in it. My dad helped guide me what to do, but I was the one under the car taking it apart and getting greasy! I loved it!

In the time I have had my car I have gotten 2 flat tires. But I have never changed one of my flats (although I do know how) because the first one was 2 weeks after I had wrist surgery and I was on my way to Thousand Oaks for physical therapy from Oxnard (where my ward was staying in a beach house) so one of the guys came and met me and changed it. The second one I didn't change because it happened late one night as I was driving home from work. It was dark and I didn't feel safe because I didn't have adequate lighting. So I called my roadside assistance from my cell phone plan. It didn't cost me anything but the reading time in the car waiting for the tow guy, and I got to meet a nice CHP guy who stopped and then he waited in his car behind me, and I waited in my car until after the tow guy was done to make sure I was safe :)

My car has been washed numerous times, waxed about 4 times and has been through the rain and snow. It has beat the heat in CA and has traveled up north as well as to Utah and back several times. It has been a good car to me! I still love it today as much as the day I drove it off the lot on Sept 17 2004! When I left it had 37 miles on it! Crazy huh?? I can't help but wonder if I hadn't injured and then re-injured my knee how long ago I would've reached this milestone? I know it would've been a long time ago and I wonder what my mileage would be today??

So I am including a picture. I had gotten my camera out knowing I was close to my 100k, and then went and got gas and forgot that's why I had it out and put it away, than just barely remembered and looked, so I was 1 miles late in taking the picture, but this way it's a palindrome! :) It's kinda weird but I am constantly watching my odometer for palindromes in my mileage. Ok so I know I am a little strange. But hey you are the one reading my blog about the mileage in my car, so there!! :-P

3 in 1

As the 1st counselor in the Relief Society Presidency at church I occasionally have to fill in for the president when she is unable to attend a meeting, or running our meetings etc. Life goes on, well she had the opportunity to go with another sister from our ward to Brazil for 3 weeks. She's been gone about 2- 1/2 ish now I think.(They'll be back this week sometime, but I don't remember the exact date) In the meanwhile I have been filling in at meetings, and discussing with the bishopric about callings, and taking care of visiting teaching, going to leadership training meetings, etc. No big deal right? It's only 3 weeks so I knew it'd be ok. So a couple weeks ago when they first left I went to ward council in her place. She hadn't really left me much info but I knew a few concerns that I felt needed attention regarding relief society and things coming up, this was what I went to the meeting concerned with:
1. Enrichment night, and the enrichment committee members
2. Graduating HS seniors and the activities for them, incl CES Broadcast
3. Other RS callings and new girls needing callings

So I was in ward council and when it got to be my turn and they asked if I had anything for RS, I mentioned #1 about enrichment, and they said "we were going to talk to you about that...we will talk after" so I was like "ok" onto number 2, this one they said "you are way ahead of us, we were going to talk to you about that" and someone else said "speaking of that weren't we going to ask someone to fill in as head of the food for that?" (meaning me...... because my RS president went with the girl who is the break the fast chairperson....) so they wanted me to be in charge of getting the dinner stuff done for the CES broadcast tonight. They said they would talk to me about it after. Ok I said and I mentioned callings and the new girls, and guess what they said??? Yup they were planning to talk to me about that after as well!!! :) Good times! I think I said something fun along the lines of "I knew I was filling in for pres, but I didn't know I was E's replacement as well." So pretty much all the stuff I had on my mind was the same stuff they had in mind FOR me! UGH... so then the ward exec sec. who was sitting next to me said "while you're at it doing everyone else's stuff do you want to take over scheduling the Bishops appointments too?" I was like sure bring it on! :)

The meeting continued like normal and at times I gave my input, all was well, except I knew that after I was going to be talked to! Which I was and I think it took about half of Sunday school to go over it all! Later in the meeting when they got around to one of the guys and asked him if he had anything else for the meeting he was like "Renee is handling that, Renee got this, Renee, Renee, Renee, nope I think Renee has it all" It was kinda funny I guess....

So I have been handling things well I suppose. Life goes on. The RS stuff is easy enough, I went to a couple meetings and handled some callings and so forth, but otherwise all was well. Enrichment is scheduled and we have gotten more people on the committee as well as some other callings filled. Today was the dinner. Two weeks ago, I looked in the activities closet and made my list of needs for the dinner, and last week I did sign ups. This week I had to handle calling to remind people they signed up, as well as reminding the graduating seniors about the dinner (the other girls helped too) yesterday I did some shopping as well as got stuff from the building. Today was stake conference. All was well. I had everything bought and either in my car or in the fridge at home. After stake conf. I knew I needed to dice tomato, cook meat and shred lettuce. Things were good, until I got a migraine. Luckily I got it under control before it got really bad. After conf I was worn out but came home and started cutting. Than stopped to start the meat and my mom came home and took over the tomatoes for me (I didn't ask her to she just did, I was thankful for the help) she also shredded the lettuce while I was handling the meat. Then I went to the building. Dinner went well, I was still feeling kinda "off" so I didn't watch the broadcast, instead I started bagging up the left-overs and was cleaning up the kitchen and towards the end of the broadcast I was getting the banana split stuff ready. After that we cleaned up. It went really well. During clean up my knee was starting to hurt though. I was feeling stiff but a couple times when I took a step I got a sharp pain through my knee and felt like I was going to fall down. Im glad I didn't. Nobody seemed to notice which was good. Eventually we got it all sorted out and cleaned-up and my car loaded. I came home put my ice machine on my knee and took a nap! It was great.

Pres and E. will be home this week sometime! Thank goodness, I will be glad to be back to only doing my calling instead of 3 in 1. It's been a fun and growing experience I suppose! :)