So as usual I spent my birthday at Disneyland on Thursday. It was a lot of fun, I was there with my sister, her boyfriend, a friend, and the guy I am dating. It was a great day all in all. I had so much fun. I really had some great experiences. It was nice to spend that time with the guy and get some time to get to know him even more, and for him to meet some of my family and close friends as well. So they too were able to get to know a little more about him, as this was a first meeting for them. I will leave that part of the post at that. I don't want to get into the trip too much on this post because I had a different reason for writing today.
So when we arrived at the parks we started our day at California Adventure. We went in, got fast passes for the racers, rode a few other things, looked at a couple things and decided to hop over to Disneyland for a few hours before the time for the racers came up on our passes. When we got over to Disneyland and the cast member scanned my annual pass, she looked at me and said "who is in the military?" I immediately without thinking said "my Dad was" & then she asked for my military ID. I got out my ID and said "I don't have a military ID" and so she called over the supervisor. At this point I was curious and was able to see her screen it was asking her to check for military ID. I have never purchased my pass with any military discounts or otherwise. I have personally never been in the military, but it wanted my ID. He told her to hit the "yes" (as if she'd checked my military ID) then had her re-scan my pass. I had already told them both I had been in Ca Adv already that day and didn't have any problems with my pass or anything upon entering. So she re-scanned my pass and it came up the way it normally should've where it just showed me coming in as a park-hopper from being over there already.
I have never had that, or anything like it happen before. As I went thru and entered it occured to me that my first thought for military was my Dad. I have known many people who've served our country and so it almost just as quickly as that first thought of my Dad came to me that maybe it was a tender mercy of the Lord. That I was just given a "Happy Birthday from Dad" in a way and place he knew he could reach out and find me. It was incredible and of course it made me cry. In fact I am crying again now just writing this post. I can say i am incredibly thankful for that moment I had. Even though it made me cry on my birthday I felt so blessed and loved because of the experience. I hope I never forget it.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
opening a closed book
I think most of us know how to open a book. obviously unless it's "The Monster Book of Monsters" from Harry Potter, where you have to stroke the spine to open it, so it doesn't attack you, it's fairly easy. Just open the cover and there you go. You'll find the title page, the copyright info, and occasionally you even get a table of contents, a chapter listing if you will. I find the book of life to be a little more challenging. Especially MY book. Everybody is different. Some people are an "open book" where they have no problem showing who they are and sharing their life with anybody they meet, some people are so closed that you wonder if they are like the "Monster Book of Monsters" where unless they feel comforted & soothed by you they won't open at all. I feel like I am somewhere in the middle. I'm not going to open easily, But if I know you and trust you I may share a few chapters or more. The closer I am to you, the more you may get to learn.
So this year I made a new friend. As we've talked and spent some time together in a class we're both attending i feel as if we've maybe gotten to know each other some. But over time I've begun to realize he's maybe a little more closed than I am. normally I don't open up much until I've gotten to know someone. Then slowly but surely my chapters become apparent. You'll start to see my table of contents. Maybe you'll learn stuff from my past, maybe you'll see my hopes for the future. Maybe you'll get to read all about my current chapter. The one I'm living in now, day in and day out. I like being comfortable enough with someone to share a little more. But sometimes I've learned its too much. Maybe sometimes I should be a little more on guard. Maybe I should attack someone like Draco Malfoy who isn't really paying enough attention, or cares to stroke my spine so I know they're safe.
So back to this new friend. In recent weeks I've begun to notice & feel as if I barely know anything about them. I feel as if thru conversation and occasional comments in class that maybe they've learned more about me than the reverse. I don't really know why this is. Maybe I haven't made this person comfortable enough with me to open up his book. I don't know if maybe they feel they have something to hide, maybe they think I'll judge their previous chapters. I really dont know. But I do know this person seems genuinely sweet and fun and maybe even a bit charming at times. I feel as if we could get along well and enjoy more time together, but right now I feel a bit vulnerable. I feel like maybe I'm sharing too much, since I dont really know the person im sharing with. i am starting to feel as if maybe I need to close my pages a little more. If I've decided to share my blog page with this person I hope they're reading and realizing I am trustworthy. I hope they see that I won't judge them. But I am curious too.
I realize though, that sharing my blog is really opening up my pages. It's really a chance for someone to see who I am. I am an emotional person. I, like a lot of women over-analyze things. I can joke around and like to have fun. But I also cry at sappy movies. Heck I cry if I see a stranger crying sometimes and won't even know why. I love to serve when given the chance and I especially love moments where I can provide secret acts of service. I am someone who will gi ve the shirt off my back if I feel someone needs it more. & I've kinda done that before (it was a pair of board shorts at the beach, and I had a dress to wear over my suit anyway) But I am also a person who hides my true feelings more often than not. I will bite my tongue rather than create contention or risk an argument. (Unless I feel really bothered by it, I won't be walked all over) I try to see the good in others and probably give more than I should sometimes. I don't consider.myself a writer, but i have written a few poems (usually emotionally inspired) and obviously have this blog.
I am not a person who has a high level of self esteem. I am working on that though. I know that i am a Daughter of God, which gives me a lot to look forward to. It gives my life a meaning and a purpose. But I (like many people I know) don't feel as if I am the person that people think i am. I have been told that I am a "spiritual giant" especially with all the trials I've faced this year. I don't feel that tall. I feel as if I have a lot of shortcomings, I know my weaknesses and maybe im good at hiding them. I know how I can withhold my emotions. I know how I keep from asking for help when I maybe need it most. I know that I will say "I'm fine" when really im not. Maybe thats because they are someone who isn't ready for the chapter of my life I'm in, or maybe its just me holding back again. Im not really sure why I'm writing this post. Or where I am trying to go with it. Maybe it seems a little random and thrown together, probably because to some extent it is. I guess maybe because of this friend I was reminded of my book, vs the books of others. Maybe I need to give it some time for them to be ready to open up their life. Maybe I need to just be patient and be a friend. Even if it means a little bit of vulnerability. Hopefully it doesnt backfire on me. Hopefully I don't get hurt in the end. All in all for those of you who are my friends and reading this, i want you to know I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate the chapters of your life that you've shared with me. And if you ever feel as if I am holding back some chapter or you're missing a few items from my table of contents, please know its nothing personal. Its just my inner monster trying to either attack, or waiting for the stroke of my spine for me to open up.
So this year I made a new friend. As we've talked and spent some time together in a class we're both attending i feel as if we've maybe gotten to know each other some. But over time I've begun to realize he's maybe a little more closed than I am. normally I don't open up much until I've gotten to know someone. Then slowly but surely my chapters become apparent. You'll start to see my table of contents. Maybe you'll learn stuff from my past, maybe you'll see my hopes for the future. Maybe you'll get to read all about my current chapter. The one I'm living in now, day in and day out. I like being comfortable enough with someone to share a little more. But sometimes I've learned its too much. Maybe sometimes I should be a little more on guard. Maybe I should attack someone like Draco Malfoy who isn't really paying enough attention, or cares to stroke my spine so I know they're safe.
So back to this new friend. In recent weeks I've begun to notice & feel as if I barely know anything about them. I feel as if thru conversation and occasional comments in class that maybe they've learned more about me than the reverse. I don't really know why this is. Maybe I haven't made this person comfortable enough with me to open up his book. I don't know if maybe they feel they have something to hide, maybe they think I'll judge their previous chapters. I really dont know. But I do know this person seems genuinely sweet and fun and maybe even a bit charming at times. I feel as if we could get along well and enjoy more time together, but right now I feel a bit vulnerable. I feel like maybe I'm sharing too much, since I dont really know the person im sharing with. i am starting to feel as if maybe I need to close my pages a little more. If I've decided to share my blog page with this person I hope they're reading and realizing I am trustworthy. I hope they see that I won't judge them. But I am curious too.
I realize though, that sharing my blog is really opening up my pages. It's really a chance for someone to see who I am. I am an emotional person. I, like a lot of women over-analyze things. I can joke around and like to have fun. But I also cry at sappy movies. Heck I cry if I see a stranger crying sometimes and won't even know why. I love to serve when given the chance and I especially love moments where I can provide secret acts of service. I am someone who will gi ve the shirt off my back if I feel someone needs it more. & I've kinda done that before (it was a pair of board shorts at the beach, and I had a dress to wear over my suit anyway) But I am also a person who hides my true feelings more often than not. I will bite my tongue rather than create contention or risk an argument. (Unless I feel really bothered by it, I won't be walked all over) I try to see the good in others and probably give more than I should sometimes. I don't consider.myself a writer, but i have written a few poems (usually emotionally inspired) and obviously have this blog.
I am not a person who has a high level of self esteem. I am working on that though. I know that i am a Daughter of God, which gives me a lot to look forward to. It gives my life a meaning and a purpose. But I (like many people I know) don't feel as if I am the person that people think i am. I have been told that I am a "spiritual giant" especially with all the trials I've faced this year. I don't feel that tall. I feel as if I have a lot of shortcomings, I know my weaknesses and maybe im good at hiding them. I know how I can withhold my emotions. I know how I keep from asking for help when I maybe need it most. I know that I will say "I'm fine" when really im not. Maybe thats because they are someone who isn't ready for the chapter of my life I'm in, or maybe its just me holding back again. Im not really sure why I'm writing this post. Or where I am trying to go with it. Maybe it seems a little random and thrown together, probably because to some extent it is. I guess maybe because of this friend I was reminded of my book, vs the books of others. Maybe I need to give it some time for them to be ready to open up their life. Maybe I need to just be patient and be a friend. Even if it means a little bit of vulnerability. Hopefully it doesnt backfire on me. Hopefully I don't get hurt in the end. All in all for those of you who are my friends and reading this, i want you to know I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate the chapters of your life that you've shared with me. And if you ever feel as if I am holding back some chapter or you're missing a few items from my table of contents, please know its nothing personal. Its just my inner monster trying to either attack, or waiting for the stroke of my spine for me to open up.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
if everyday were like today
If every day were like today:
... that's message on myfitnesspal when you complete your daily entry, it says if everyday were like today you'd weigh ___# in 5 weeks. ¤Today's message told me I would be past one of my goals, (50# down) and have gotten farther than before the setbacks I've had the past 6 months with trials and losses. I was just about to 50# right before my dad passed, & have kinda fluctuated above that since. Luckily I haven't completely gained it all back, But have lingered near 35-40# down instead. Anyway it made me think about the statement, these are my thoughts:
If everyday were like today:
→then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am weight wise and wouldn't need myfitnesspal to track my food
→then it means everyday was a day where I didn't feel the need to snack constantly. Where I didn't feel as if I was hungry constantly.
→then i'd really be kicking butt in my weight loss challenges
→then although I was tired, and my knee was hurting I managed a decent workout anyway
→then everyday was an emotional day, where although things were good, suddenly I felt sad and lonely (I don't want that everyday)
→then everyday I got a nap during my lunch break
→then everyday I actually documented my samples from cruising thru Costco
→then everyday I had people honk &/or wave at me during my walk, uplifting my spirits and reminding me i am doing the right thing to keep going forward.
I'm sure there are more, but for the moment that's what I thought about. I may come back and add more later. But for now I'm thankful for myfitnesspal. I'm thankful I have a useful tool to help me keep focused. I'm thankful that it reminds me that "if everyday were like today" because sometimes the days are bad and it shows me I'm off track and heading the wrong direction. But today was good. Today it reminded me of my successes, It reminded me that I can make it to my goal. Then I can start on my next goal. If everyday were like today then in 5 weeks I will be down 53#! That's awesome!
... that's message on myfitnesspal when you complete your daily entry, it says if everyday were like today you'd weigh ___# in 5 weeks. ¤Today's message told me I would be past one of my goals, (50# down) and have gotten farther than before the setbacks I've had the past 6 months with trials and losses. I was just about to 50# right before my dad passed, & have kinda fluctuated above that since. Luckily I haven't completely gained it all back, But have lingered near 35-40# down instead. Anyway it made me think about the statement, these are my thoughts:
If everyday were like today:
→then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am weight wise and wouldn't need myfitnesspal to track my food
→then it means everyday was a day where I didn't feel the need to snack constantly. Where I didn't feel as if I was hungry constantly.
→then i'd really be kicking butt in my weight loss challenges
→then although I was tired, and my knee was hurting I managed a decent workout anyway
→then everyday was an emotional day, where although things were good, suddenly I felt sad and lonely (I don't want that everyday)
→then everyday I got a nap during my lunch break
→then everyday I actually documented my samples from cruising thru Costco
→then everyday I had people honk &/or wave at me during my walk, uplifting my spirits and reminding me i am doing the right thing to keep going forward.
I'm sure there are more, but for the moment that's what I thought about. I may come back and add more later. But for now I'm thankful for myfitnesspal. I'm thankful I have a useful tool to help me keep focused. I'm thankful that it reminds me that "if everyday were like today" because sometimes the days are bad and it shows me I'm off track and heading the wrong direction. But today was good. Today it reminded me of my successes, It reminded me that I can make it to my goal. Then I can start on my next goal. If everyday were like today then in 5 weeks I will be down 53#! That's awesome!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Goodbye Uncle "Goofy"
So last week I was in Escondido for work. I was taking a class to become a certified car seat installation technician. The class was great and now I'm officially certified to properly install child seats into vehicles, as well as train parents how to do so properly so their kids are safe. While I was there in class on Tuesday my Uncle Kenneth was having open heart surgery. It was tough not being there with my aunt, but I was Praying as always. Things went well and although he was on the icu it was promising. Then unfortunately on Weds he took a turn for the worse, and ended up having 3 more operations due to complications from the procedure on Weds So weds night I drove to the hospital from my hotel room, and my sister's all drive from Simi to be with family and see him. The third surgery they had done weds night seemed promising again so we left feeling better than before arriving at the hospital. On thurs naturally I was tired since I got back to the hotel late, but I continued with class, Then things went downhill again. By the mid afternoon via text I was notified they were going to make him comfortable and remove him from life support. This was hard! Not just for me (& I had to step outta class to control my emotions) not only did my uncle pass away that afternoon, It was on the 6 month anniversary of when we lost my dad. Their times of death were also approximately an hour apart from each other. I can't believe that my family has been given yet another trial, especially involving death. I am grateful knowing that we're strong and that despite all we've had to face lately life just keeps moving forward. I just hope this is the end of the trials for awhile! I am sure I've had enough!
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Happy Anniversary
Once upon
an instant message
This guy
found this girl
They talked
and they chatted
Decided to
give it a whirl
They met
one day at Starbucks
Things
moved on from there
He liked
their matching personalities
She liked
that he made her laugh
They found
that they enjoyed their time together
Their goals
were on the same track
She liked
that he didn’t care what others thought
He felt
everything was “too good to be true”
They
started to date, spend more time together
She made
him smile, and made him laugh
He was cute
to her while playing golf
She showed
she wanted to know him personally
He liked
how quiet, and shy she could be
Some
would’ve called him a geek for his computer skills
She said it
showed her he was truly smart
He loved
that she loved him for who he was, and
Supported
him for who he wanted to be
They dated
three more years
Decided to
set a date
Another
three years and she got the ring
The day was
approaching quick
The next
seven months flew on by
Making
appointments, and setting the plans
She walked
down the aisle
They stood
hand in hand
They shared
their vows thru tear filled eyes
“I do” at
the park, followed by the party
We flash
forward to today, ten years have gone away
Still
standing side by side
They’re
holding hands now in the car
They’re
soul-mates, partnered in time
Proud of
each other, an inspiration to us all
Surrounded
by loved ones, they sing made up songs
Loving one
another, more and more each day
He’ll tell
you she’s “smoking hot”
She’ll say
he’s still cute, or handsome as can be
He says
she’s his rock
She says he
follows the motto “happy wife equals happy life”
They plan
to grow old together
Supporting
and cheering on one another
Through
good times and bad
Hoping to
be parents to more than just Koda
Glad to
always have each other
They’ll
always find comfort together
Smiling and
laughing forever
Working
hard, and playing harder
Sharing
lunches, life and fun
Through
laughter or silence, married they are one
They
complete each others sentences
They are
equal to each other
For N and D S------- the fun has just begun!
2014 continues to be rough....
So as you may have know the beginning of this year sucked! So after my Dad passed it didn't exactly get much better... we waited 3 weeks to do my dad's services, then two weeks later there was more heartache. At the end of March (just 5 weeks after my dad) Loren Southworth passed away. He was someone I knew from church. Over the past 10 years or so I had gotten to know him because of some of his leadership roles he played at church so I saw him on a fairly regular basis, as well as was in many meetings with him when I was in the YSA ward. Then in the past 2-3 years specifically he and his wife Lynn were the mid-singles advisors for church. So not only did I know him but became closer to him and his wife. We would meet regularly for church and during the week for other church activities too. He was almost like a second father to me. So 3 weeks after my dad's services I was at another funeral for Loren. It was hard! That same week that Loren passed I also lost my cousin who lives in New Jersey to suicide. Then a co-worker lost her mom as well. So I attended 3 funeral services in less than a month! I realized as I thought about it that by the end of April I knew of at least a dozen deaths of people I knew personally, and of people close to those I knew personally. It was tough!!
Things have somewhat settled down since that time. There thankfully haven't been more deaths to deal with but there have been several other trials. There seems to always be drama lately with friends, church, work etc. Things just never seem to be "simple" not that life should be simple, but it would be nice to have less trials. I do know that we are here to be tested and that we learn and grow from our trials but sometimes it feels like too much to handle.
When it comes to my weight loss, close to the time of my dad's death I was down close to 50#. Then because my life was turned upside down I went back up around 9#. After a few weeks I was able to get back on track and re-lost those 9. Then I had a really bad month and a half or so with my knee and went up again. Then I lost that again, then I gained a little back again, then I plateaud again... so I am still working on it. I am not back quite to the 50# down mark again but I am trying. I am having more bad days with my knee than good, but I keep on trying. Right now I am still only down around the 40# loss mark. It's tough but overall I am glad that I haven't regained all that I lost last year. I would rather be in an almost "maintaining" stage than to have lost all my hard work.
I know that there have been tons of other things that have happened, actually both good and bad but right now I am not thinking of them! Mostly this year has been rough, but it really has shown me who my friends are. WHo are the ones that are really there for me. That love me and are by my side in good times and in bad (especially since there have been more bad than good lately) I am thankful for that. I have managed to still find things to write in my gratitude journal each night and I have had many opportunities to do service for others which I am grateful for! Life is rough but I am hanging in there! Life goes on, day by day, moment by moment. It seems like the smallest things set me off but I am doing ok!
Things have somewhat settled down since that time. There thankfully haven't been more deaths to deal with but there have been several other trials. There seems to always be drama lately with friends, church, work etc. Things just never seem to be "simple" not that life should be simple, but it would be nice to have less trials. I do know that we are here to be tested and that we learn and grow from our trials but sometimes it feels like too much to handle.
When it comes to my weight loss, close to the time of my dad's death I was down close to 50#. Then because my life was turned upside down I went back up around 9#. After a few weeks I was able to get back on track and re-lost those 9. Then I had a really bad month and a half or so with my knee and went up again. Then I lost that again, then I gained a little back again, then I plateaud again... so I am still working on it. I am not back quite to the 50# down mark again but I am trying. I am having more bad days with my knee than good, but I keep on trying. Right now I am still only down around the 40# loss mark. It's tough but overall I am glad that I haven't regained all that I lost last year. I would rather be in an almost "maintaining" stage than to have lost all my hard work.
I know that there have been tons of other things that have happened, actually both good and bad but right now I am not thinking of them! Mostly this year has been rough, but it really has shown me who my friends are. WHo are the ones that are really there for me. That love me and are by my side in good times and in bad (especially since there have been more bad than good lately) I am thankful for that. I have managed to still find things to write in my gratitude journal each night and I have had many opportunities to do service for others which I am grateful for! Life is rough but I am hanging in there! Life goes on, day by day, moment by moment. It seems like the smallest things set me off but I am doing ok!
Daddy's Lil Girl Part 2
So a few years ago I wrote a poem for my Dad to let him know he was loved. That he had a purpose, I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you can read it here: Daddy's Lil Girl ) and so after he passed I thought that maybe I could share it at his services, so I re-read it. When I did I realized it wasn't completely what I was wanting to say, so I added to it. This is the addition I wrote for the services:
This feels so unreal
How can it be true?
This pain that I feel
Daddy, I miss you
Now that you’re gone
Your pain is no more
You held on for so long
What did you suffer for?
I know there is a plan
Heavenly Father put in place
When we follow His plan
We’re welcomed by His grace
I’m sure you were welcomed
home
By those who’ve gone before
I know you weren’t alone
Met at Heavens door
You left behind a family
Who have loved you all along
All those friends and family
Trying now to be strong
Things will never be the same
We’ll take them day by day
Life is always full of change
I know you couldn’t stay
Our lives will keep on going
So much you’re gonna miss
As your family keeps on
growing
To make you proud, our only
wish
You are not going to be there
For my wedding day
This doesn’t seem very fair
Who’ll give your girl away?
I wasn’t ready for you to go
I never said goodbye
Tried to show you I loved you
so
Why did you have to die?
I’m thankful for the gospel
plan
Gift of the atonement too
I’m going to do all I can
To gain eternity with you
You left us all too early in
life
I guess there’s work for us
to do
You left us all with
heartache and strife
Our love we’ll always feel
for you
I’m holding onto memories
Locking them into my heart
Love will be the only keys
Unlocking a flood of memories
to start
Things may get easier in time
As we go about our days
Finding a rhythm and our
rhyme
Love for you to light the way
Thanks for all you taught me
Helping me to learn and grow
Showing me who I could be
Inspiring me more than I now
know
We were different, yet alike
Had our ups and downs
Like learning to ride a bike
It was easier when you were
around
I’m grateful for our Savior
Taking our sins and pains
By acceptance in the Savior
I’ll be with you again
Time will heal our hearts
Life goes on and on
With each day comes a new
start
Your memory will live on
Thank you daddy for
everything
I’m a stronger woman now
You would’ve given me
anything
Even If you didn’t know how
Faith makes me stronger
I’ve got a life to live yet
Your loss makes the days feel
longer
It’s you I’ll never forget
I am me because of you
When all was said and done
I really hope you knew
Daddy you were my number one
Renee L Conaway 2/15-16/2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Bubbles from Heaven
So I had planned several weeks ago to go to Disneyland yesterday. Then when my dad passed on Fri I wasn't sure anymore about going. I spoke to my family about cancelling my plans and they asked me why? It almost didn't seem right for me to be going despite everything that had happened and during all the mourning etc. I also spoke to several of my friends, and they all seemed to have the same response...why shouldn't I go?.... so after much deliberation and a lot of much needed support and encouragement I decided I would go. My friend Tami who I had planned to go with was very considerate of the situation and waited for me to complete the meeting at the mortuary with my family and we left in the early afternoon for an evening at the parks. When we arrived and I got out of her car I walked towards the trunk and as I got to the rear of the car there was a bubble.... anyway I saw this bubble and I looked around. I didn't see anybody within close proximity to where I was and there definitely was only the 1 bubble. It was really odd but it made me smile and feel comforted. It kind of told me I would be ok.... anyway my sisters and I had a private viewing tonight at the mortuary to say our last goodbyes prior to the cremation. It was rough. After we each had our moment alone with Dad we all went in together. Denise asked me about saying a prayer and I was pretty emotional so she offered to say one instead. It was beautiful. In it she mentioned being sent "tokens" to remind us he is still with us and I remembered my bubble. Although they sell bubble guns at the parks and there are usually bubbles there, yesterday it seemed that after the incident I noticed them more frequently. Each time I got a text or something that made me a little emotional or close to tears etc it seemed like more bubbles would cross my path.... so tonight I wrote a poem:
A single bubble floated
on down
Yet its source couldn’t
be found
I knew it had to come
from you
Seemed like the kind of
thing you’d do
Such a simple,
meaningful sign
Letting me know I’d be
ok in time
I saw more bubbles the
rest of the day
They spoke to me as if
to say
Renee, I’m here up
above
Sending bubbles filled
with love
So you’ll know I’m
watching you
Very proud of the
things you’ll do
A little token from the
skies
A tear of remembrance
in your eyes
As times go on during
things you’ll do
Bubbles will be sent just for you
A little reminder of my
love
Bubbles from Heaven up
above.
Monday, February 17, 2014
2014 Sucks....
THis year has been less than perfect, less than wonderful.... less than anything good for my family so far! It started out alright.... then went downhill from there..... let me expand on that, i think I am going to do it in a brief timeline type of post....
As I said the year started out great (for me anyway) I was able to go on vacation (i had planned to blog about it, but as you'll soon read since I have been home I haven't exactly gotten the chance to. I will give as brief description here though). I hadn't taken a vacation since the summer of 2012 when I went to Washington DC for a week and visited with COllin and also got to see Sharon.
Fri Jan3rd my friend Julie and I (along with her kids and her dogs) left early in the morning and began what ended up being a 19 hour drive to Kent, Washington. This was the start of my vacation. (I love road trips) we had a blast and I enjoyed that drive. It was nice and cold in WA. I was excited because not only had I not been on vacation in a year and a half, but I was actually getting winter weather! It was in the 40s in Wa that weekend. I was there with Julie until Mon afternoon. DUring the weekend I got to go to the Snowqualmie Falls, the Seattle Space Needle and on what I called a "frozen hike" because there was ice and snow on the ground.
Mon Jan 6th in the evening, I flew from Seattle into Bend, Or where I was greeted by Collin and got to spend the rest of the week there. I was able to do a lot of sightseeing both with him in the evening as well as during the days while he was at work. We did a night hike to the Benham falls in the rain. I got to go to the high desert museum with his parents, I went to Drake park, it snowed once so i made a tiny snowman. On that morning (6th)my sister Denise had bariatric surgery... THe surgery went really well and things were good. I was in Or until Fri 10th when I flew home that evening... this was the start of the year from h-e---- you know the rest
Fri Jan 10th, while I was at the airport etc Denise was texting with me. SHe was in a lot of pain at her surgeyr site and was going to the emergency room. SHe ended up basically being there all night as they ran tests, spoke with the surgeon etc. They had determined that she had over-exerted herself that first week and thankfully she was ok. As they had to cut through some of her muscles for the procedure, in over exerting herself she may have torn some a little more.... :(
**Sometime either while I was on vacation or the next week, my brother in law Neal had been to the doctor for knee pain. He was told he had popliteal fascitis, given anti-inflammatories and started feeling better...
that is until FRI Jan 17th the pain had returned (these details may be a little choppy, out of order etc, but you'll get the jist) so he spoke to the dr again and was sent for an ultra-sound, which he was told to return to the dr for those results... he was in so much pain though (or something, again may be choppy) and instead of returning to the dr office he went straight to the emergency room. They diagnosed him with actually having a DVT (aka blood clot) in his leg. He got put onto blood thinners and told to stay off of his leg, etc... he went home again,,,,
SUN Jan 19th Neal woke up and tried to take his morning shower as usual and within a min or two was completely out of breath... Since Denise was still recovering from her recent surgery a good friend of theirs took him to the ER again and the friends wife took Denise up a little bit later. It turns out some of the clots (he ended up having several) had moved and travelled up into his lungs... he now had a pulmonary embolism (which if not diagnosed or treated can be deadly...in fact if he hadn't reacted to the shortness of breath, he could've died) That night the vascular surgeon came in and they placed a "filter" in his leg in order to prevent any additional clots from moving into his chest. The rest will all dissolve with the blood thinners he is now taking on a regular basis. He spent 2 days in the hospital and is still recovering from the clots.
FRI Jan 24th my mom calls me first thing in the morning before I've left for work. My dad passed out and is lying on the floor. He is responsive but she can't lift him etc. I told her to call 911 and that way the medics can come make sure everything is ok and they can transport him. They won't take him directly to the V.A. like he would normally go to, but they would stabilize him and transport when he could go. I called out for work and went to my moms house right away. Turns out he had an internal bleed. Within 24 hours of his arrival at the hospital he was given 5 units of blood and 3 units of plasma. He spent several days in the ICU and then was transferred to the telemetry unit. This same weekend my friend Carla was in the hospital from Sun-Tues for ulcers during her pregnancy. SO I was visiting dad and her.
**dad stayed in the hospital**
Sun FEB 2nd Neal is having severe pain in the leg where they did the operation to plave the filter. Initially he felt that Denise can take him into the ER but by the time she went upstairs to get shoes on and came back downstairs he was worse and they called 911 to get him taken in. (*again Dad is still at the hospital and his condition hasn't changed, in fact it got worse, while they were treating his bleed etc they were neglecting his normal medical conditions and he ended up retaining water and was having symptoms from his CHF* but they weren't listening to my mom and neglected to call in cardiologists for the first week and a half he was there, there had been another incident too, but I won't get into that tonight either) As for Neal they kept him overnight helped relieve the pain, ran ultra sounds etc and everything came back ok. They weren't sure why he had the pain but it resolved and he was able to return home again.
**dad is still in hospital**
THURS Feb 6th while I am at the hospital with my mom and visiting my dad, my aunt Linda calls. My grandma (who had been in the serious-almost fatal- car accident last summer) had passed out at home and initially was unresponsive, The paramedics were called and she was being taken in. My grandma spent 2 days in the hospital out in the antelope valley. They ran tests etc but never found the cause but she was at a point where she could get around without getting dizzy etc so they sent her home Sat night or Sun morning.
TUES Feb 11th after 19days they released my dad from the hospital. Nobody felt he was ready, he even told me that night he was only feeling 50/50 but he was miserable at the hospital and wanted to go home. It was hard because he was still weak and needing help with a lot but my mom wasn't going to force him to stay when he really wanted to be home.
So now if you've been keeping track I had 4 family members in the hospital in 5 weeks. One was there for long term, one was a "repeat offender" and as it turned out it was every weekend! This weekend we were hoping for a break.... we had decided 2014 had already given our family enough trials and we were trying to be optimistic....
Fri Feb 14th .... this is where it gets really hard!!! I had gotten off work a little early and so I was back in town a little earlier than normal. I met up with a friend at the bowling alley where she was watching her granddaughter bowl. As I was walking out to my car to go home and get some stuff for my evening my mom called me.... all I could hear was screaming in the background. SHe managed to tell me my dad was unresponsive and i asked if she called 911, she didn 't answer other than to yell at me to "GET HOME NOW" and in the background she's hollering "BREATHE BREATHE" I wasn't getting any response from her and I was driving as fast and as safe as I could freaking out all the while. Half way home the lone went dead... i got to my parents street, the paramedics, 2 fire engines and Simi PD were all there. I had to park half way up the street, i got out and I RAN to the house.
My neighbors were there and my mom was freaking out. SHe was saying that they told her to get him off the bed and he smacked his head, she was trying to do compressions and couldnt get his chest to move. My nephews told me they called 9-1-1 and were trying to help papa breathe (turned out the 5 year old is the one who found him) When he told grandma (my mom) he and his 7 year old brother called 9-1-1 and the operator eventually talked to my mom.
THe medics and fire dept worked on my dad for ??? amount of time. THey were doing CPR, got the I.V. line and his airway secured. His pacemaker was firing, but the heart was not responding.... they pronounced my dad around 5:15 pm.... so much for one weekend of good health.....
THe past couple days have been filled with a lot of tears.... some conversations about funeral arrangements and all the normal emotions of losing a family member. THis has not been an easy time for any of us. Although the past 8 years have been filled with medical problems for my dad, even several close calls (including them saving his life with CPR before) and many rare conditions that they told us would kill him he always survived. SO although we have been blessed with these past 8 years, and we knew he wouldn't live forever... this came as a shock! Turns out while recently hospitialized he told my mom "if i'm going to die I want it to be at home, not here" ... from what we can tell he knew it was time and went peacefully in his sleep. My dad has had to sleep with a cpap machine for many many years now. He ALWAYS has it on if he is in bed. He had wanted to go and take a nap before dinner so (about 45 min before she called me) my mom helped him into bed, got the pillows under his head and he was putting on the cpap when she left him.... when my nephew found him the cpap was off, and the pillows were not under his head..... It was his time.
It is comforting having a knowledge of the gospel. KNowing that in time I will get to see him again and he will be at peace. THat he will no longer be suffering or in pain. THis time we are struggling now, we have to find comfort in that. He is with loved ones who have passed before. My grandparents, an uncle, family friends etc. There are many who I am sure welcomed him home to Heavenly Father's presence
Right now we are working on the arrangements. Nothing is finalized yet but we know some of what the plans are going to be. We have a tentative date in mind if we can get all the arrangements coordinated for that date. He will be cremated (which was his wish) but the services will include military honors. We will get the Marines color guard for the flag etc. There is so much to coordinate and we are starting that stuff tomorrow. Due to the holiday tomorrow though the V.A./military connections are unavailable. So we havent set anything certain yet. We also have family and friends who will need to make travel arrangements for the services... it's a lot to figure out.... I do know though that it isn't easy
Back in 2012 I wrote a poem for my dad I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you cna look back on my blog to read it if you'd like) it was a poem trying to show my dad he was loved. Letting him know that despite anything else I loved him. Trying to show him he needed to love himself enough to fight for his life as long as he could. That he needed to realize his self worth in order to try and get himself healthier etc... well in the past 2 days I have now added to that poem. I plan to read it in it's entirety at the services. I will start with the initial poem and then share the adddition I wrote now that he has passed. It won't be easy but I think it is how I can say something. I know I will be crying like crazy but I will do my best to speak clearly... I will probably share the addition on here sometime after the services. For now this is my year in review thru the first month & a half..... like I said at the beginning IT SUCKS!! (other than my vacation)
We've been so blessed at this time with love and support from so many people. Via text, calls, Facebook and especially personal visits. Thank you all so much for everything. The food the flowers and the prayers. We need it. This is yet another trial for my family and we'll grow stronger from it.
As I said the year started out great (for me anyway) I was able to go on vacation (i had planned to blog about it, but as you'll soon read since I have been home I haven't exactly gotten the chance to. I will give as brief description here though). I hadn't taken a vacation since the summer of 2012 when I went to Washington DC for a week and visited with COllin and also got to see Sharon.
Fri Jan3rd my friend Julie and I (along with her kids and her dogs) left early in the morning and began what ended up being a 19 hour drive to Kent, Washington. This was the start of my vacation. (I love road trips) we had a blast and I enjoyed that drive. It was nice and cold in WA. I was excited because not only had I not been on vacation in a year and a half, but I was actually getting winter weather! It was in the 40s in Wa that weekend. I was there with Julie until Mon afternoon. DUring the weekend I got to go to the Snowqualmie Falls, the Seattle Space Needle and on what I called a "frozen hike" because there was ice and snow on the ground.
Mon Jan 6th in the evening, I flew from Seattle into Bend, Or where I was greeted by Collin and got to spend the rest of the week there. I was able to do a lot of sightseeing both with him in the evening as well as during the days while he was at work. We did a night hike to the Benham falls in the rain. I got to go to the high desert museum with his parents, I went to Drake park, it snowed once so i made a tiny snowman. On that morning (6th)my sister Denise had bariatric surgery... THe surgery went really well and things were good. I was in Or until Fri 10th when I flew home that evening... this was the start of the year from h-e---- you know the rest
Fri Jan 10th, while I was at the airport etc Denise was texting with me. SHe was in a lot of pain at her surgeyr site and was going to the emergency room. SHe ended up basically being there all night as they ran tests, spoke with the surgeon etc. They had determined that she had over-exerted herself that first week and thankfully she was ok. As they had to cut through some of her muscles for the procedure, in over exerting herself she may have torn some a little more.... :(
**Sometime either while I was on vacation or the next week, my brother in law Neal had been to the doctor for knee pain. He was told he had popliteal fascitis, given anti-inflammatories and started feeling better...
that is until FRI Jan 17th the pain had returned (these details may be a little choppy, out of order etc, but you'll get the jist) so he spoke to the dr again and was sent for an ultra-sound, which he was told to return to the dr for those results... he was in so much pain though (or something, again may be choppy) and instead of returning to the dr office he went straight to the emergency room. They diagnosed him with actually having a DVT (aka blood clot) in his leg. He got put onto blood thinners and told to stay off of his leg, etc... he went home again,,,,
SUN Jan 19th Neal woke up and tried to take his morning shower as usual and within a min or two was completely out of breath... Since Denise was still recovering from her recent surgery a good friend of theirs took him to the ER again and the friends wife took Denise up a little bit later. It turns out some of the clots (he ended up having several) had moved and travelled up into his lungs... he now had a pulmonary embolism (which if not diagnosed or treated can be deadly...in fact if he hadn't reacted to the shortness of breath, he could've died) That night the vascular surgeon came in and they placed a "filter" in his leg in order to prevent any additional clots from moving into his chest. The rest will all dissolve with the blood thinners he is now taking on a regular basis. He spent 2 days in the hospital and is still recovering from the clots.
FRI Jan 24th my mom calls me first thing in the morning before I've left for work. My dad passed out and is lying on the floor. He is responsive but she can't lift him etc. I told her to call 911 and that way the medics can come make sure everything is ok and they can transport him. They won't take him directly to the V.A. like he would normally go to, but they would stabilize him and transport when he could go. I called out for work and went to my moms house right away. Turns out he had an internal bleed. Within 24 hours of his arrival at the hospital he was given 5 units of blood and 3 units of plasma. He spent several days in the ICU and then was transferred to the telemetry unit. This same weekend my friend Carla was in the hospital from Sun-Tues for ulcers during her pregnancy. SO I was visiting dad and her.
**dad stayed in the hospital**
Sun FEB 2nd Neal is having severe pain in the leg where they did the operation to plave the filter. Initially he felt that Denise can take him into the ER but by the time she went upstairs to get shoes on and came back downstairs he was worse and they called 911 to get him taken in. (*again Dad is still at the hospital and his condition hasn't changed, in fact it got worse, while they were treating his bleed etc they were neglecting his normal medical conditions and he ended up retaining water and was having symptoms from his CHF* but they weren't listening to my mom and neglected to call in cardiologists for the first week and a half he was there, there had been another incident too, but I won't get into that tonight either) As for Neal they kept him overnight helped relieve the pain, ran ultra sounds etc and everything came back ok. They weren't sure why he had the pain but it resolved and he was able to return home again.
**dad is still in hospital**
THURS Feb 6th while I am at the hospital with my mom and visiting my dad, my aunt Linda calls. My grandma (who had been in the serious-almost fatal- car accident last summer) had passed out at home and initially was unresponsive, The paramedics were called and she was being taken in. My grandma spent 2 days in the hospital out in the antelope valley. They ran tests etc but never found the cause but she was at a point where she could get around without getting dizzy etc so they sent her home Sat night or Sun morning.
TUES Feb 11th after 19days they released my dad from the hospital. Nobody felt he was ready, he even told me that night he was only feeling 50/50 but he was miserable at the hospital and wanted to go home. It was hard because he was still weak and needing help with a lot but my mom wasn't going to force him to stay when he really wanted to be home.
So now if you've been keeping track I had 4 family members in the hospital in 5 weeks. One was there for long term, one was a "repeat offender" and as it turned out it was every weekend! This weekend we were hoping for a break.... we had decided 2014 had already given our family enough trials and we were trying to be optimistic....
Fri Feb 14th .... this is where it gets really hard!!! I had gotten off work a little early and so I was back in town a little earlier than normal. I met up with a friend at the bowling alley where she was watching her granddaughter bowl. As I was walking out to my car to go home and get some stuff for my evening my mom called me.... all I could hear was screaming in the background. SHe managed to tell me my dad was unresponsive and i asked if she called 911, she didn 't answer other than to yell at me to "GET HOME NOW" and in the background she's hollering "BREATHE BREATHE" I wasn't getting any response from her and I was driving as fast and as safe as I could freaking out all the while. Half way home the lone went dead... i got to my parents street, the paramedics, 2 fire engines and Simi PD were all there. I had to park half way up the street, i got out and I RAN to the house.
My neighbors were there and my mom was freaking out. SHe was saying that they told her to get him off the bed and he smacked his head, she was trying to do compressions and couldnt get his chest to move. My nephews told me they called 9-1-1 and were trying to help papa breathe (turned out the 5 year old is the one who found him) When he told grandma (my mom) he and his 7 year old brother called 9-1-1 and the operator eventually talked to my mom.
THe medics and fire dept worked on my dad for ??? amount of time. THey were doing CPR, got the I.V. line and his airway secured. His pacemaker was firing, but the heart was not responding.... they pronounced my dad around 5:15 pm.... so much for one weekend of good health.....
THe past couple days have been filled with a lot of tears.... some conversations about funeral arrangements and all the normal emotions of losing a family member. THis has not been an easy time for any of us. Although the past 8 years have been filled with medical problems for my dad, even several close calls (including them saving his life with CPR before) and many rare conditions that they told us would kill him he always survived. SO although we have been blessed with these past 8 years, and we knew he wouldn't live forever... this came as a shock! Turns out while recently hospitialized he told my mom "if i'm going to die I want it to be at home, not here" ... from what we can tell he knew it was time and went peacefully in his sleep. My dad has had to sleep with a cpap machine for many many years now. He ALWAYS has it on if he is in bed. He had wanted to go and take a nap before dinner so (about 45 min before she called me) my mom helped him into bed, got the pillows under his head and he was putting on the cpap when she left him.... when my nephew found him the cpap was off, and the pillows were not under his head..... It was his time.
It is comforting having a knowledge of the gospel. KNowing that in time I will get to see him again and he will be at peace. THat he will no longer be suffering or in pain. THis time we are struggling now, we have to find comfort in that. He is with loved ones who have passed before. My grandparents, an uncle, family friends etc. There are many who I am sure welcomed him home to Heavenly Father's presence
Right now we are working on the arrangements. Nothing is finalized yet but we know some of what the plans are going to be. We have a tentative date in mind if we can get all the arrangements coordinated for that date. He will be cremated (which was his wish) but the services will include military honors. We will get the Marines color guard for the flag etc. There is so much to coordinate and we are starting that stuff tomorrow. Due to the holiday tomorrow though the V.A./military connections are unavailable. So we havent set anything certain yet. We also have family and friends who will need to make travel arrangements for the services... it's a lot to figure out.... I do know though that it isn't easy
Back in 2012 I wrote a poem for my dad I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you cna look back on my blog to read it if you'd like) it was a poem trying to show my dad he was loved. Letting him know that despite anything else I loved him. Trying to show him he needed to love himself enough to fight for his life as long as he could. That he needed to realize his self worth in order to try and get himself healthier etc... well in the past 2 days I have now added to that poem. I plan to read it in it's entirety at the services. I will start with the initial poem and then share the adddition I wrote now that he has passed. It won't be easy but I think it is how I can say something. I know I will be crying like crazy but I will do my best to speak clearly... I will probably share the addition on here sometime after the services. For now this is my year in review thru the first month & a half..... like I said at the beginning IT SUCKS!! (other than my vacation)
We've been so blessed at this time with love and support from so many people. Via text, calls, Facebook and especially personal visits. Thank you all so much for everything. The food the flowers and the prayers. We need it. This is yet another trial for my family and we'll grow stronger from it.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
A Journey
So someone I know was recently preparing for weight loss surgery (they have since had the operation and so far are doing ok, not quite 2 weeks post op) and prior to their surgery they and I have been talking a lot. We actually talk a lot anyway. We're close. I love this person a lot. I don't want to put them on the spot here but they know who they are, and anyone who is close know who they are as well. They also know that this person had the procedure so I don't need to call them out on my blog. Unless they ok it. Anyway this person and I would share recipes that we like. They would have me over for dinner and vice versa. Especially when trying new recipes or making healthier options. As I am on my own weight loss journey we share info! Thye had asked me if I had considered the surgery months ago and since I was having so much success I opted to continue on my own path. As it turns out my Dr has told me how proud he was of my progress on my own and has encouraged me to continue without surgery as long as I can. I am now down 50# which is = to 16.46% of my body weight so far! I know that I have more to go but I am ready to take on the next goal! ANyway this other person and I were talking one night prior to their surgery and the next day at work our computers were down so I had some "free time". I started writing and came up with this poem. It was/is dedicated to that person, but in reality can be related to anybody really!
A JOURNEY
We're travelling different paths
But our destination is the same
It may go fast, it may go slow
We'll both get there, our own way
People always have advice
On the best route to take
But the journey always changes
It never stays the same
What may be smooth for me
May have pot holes and gravel for you
We have to enjoy the ride
No matter how it goes
You may come across a simple bump
That feels like a mountain to me
Nobody really knows
Individually what we each need
There is a plan in store
A way to reach our goals
We can support each other
Whatever it may take
I won't know all your struggles
You may not understand mine
There's still a way to connect
As we listen to our hearts
We will find the words to say
The strength to get us through
Good luck on your journey
I'm on a journey of my own
I'll help you, if you'll help me
It's what sister's do!
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