opening a closed book

I think most of us know how to open a book.  obviously unless it's "The Monster Book of Monsters" from Harry Potter,  where you have to stroke the spine to open it, so it doesn't attack you,  it's fairly easy. Just open the cover and there you go.  You'll find the title page,  the copyright info,  and occasionally you even get a table of contents,  a chapter listing if you will. I find the book of life to be a little more challenging.  Especially MY book.  Everybody is different.  Some people are an "open book" where they have no problem showing who they are and sharing their life with anybody they meet, some people are so closed that you wonder if they are like the "Monster Book of Monsters" where unless they feel comforted & soothed by you they won't open at all.  I feel like I am somewhere in the middle.  I'm not going to open easily,  But if I know you and trust you I may share a few chapters or more. The closer I am to you, the more you may get to learn.

So this year I made a new friend. As we've talked and spent some time together in a class we're both attending i feel as if we've maybe gotten to know each other some.  But over time I've begun  to realize he's maybe a little more closed than I am. normally I don't open up much until I've gotten to know someone.  Then slowly but surely my chapters become apparent. You'll start to see my table of contents. Maybe you'll learn stuff from my past, maybe you'll see my hopes for the future. Maybe you'll get to read all about my current chapter. The one I'm living in now, day in and day out. I like being comfortable enough with someone to share a little more. But sometimes I've learned its too much.  Maybe sometimes I should be a little more on guard. Maybe I should attack someone like Draco Malfoy who isn't really paying enough attention, or cares to stroke my spine so I know they're safe.

So back to this new friend. In recent weeks I've begun to notice & feel as if I barely know anything about them. I feel as if thru conversation and occasional comments in class that maybe they've learned more about me than the reverse. I don't really know why this is. Maybe I haven't made this person comfortable enough with me to open up his book. I don't know if maybe they feel they have something to hide, maybe they think I'll judge their previous chapters. I really dont know. But I do know this person seems genuinely sweet and fun and maybe even a bit charming at times. I feel as if we could get along well and enjoy more time together, but right now I feel a bit vulnerable.  I feel like maybe I'm sharing too much, since I dont really know the person im sharing with. i am starting to feel as if maybe I need to close my pages a little more. If I've decided to share my blog page with this person I hope they're reading and realizing I am trustworthy.  I hope they see that I won't judge them. But I am curious too.

I realize though,  that sharing my blog is really opening up my pages. It's really a chance for someone to see who I am. I am an emotional person. I, like a lot of women over-analyze things. I can joke around and like to have fun. But I also cry at sappy movies. Heck I cry if I see a stranger crying sometimes and won't even know why. I love to serve when given the chance and I especially love moments where I can provide secret acts of service. I am someone who will gi ve the shirt off my back if I feel someone needs it more. & I've kinda done that before (it was a pair  of board shorts at the beach, and I had a dress to wear over my suit anyway) But I am also a person who hides my true feelings more often than not. I will bite my tongue rather than create contention or risk an argument.  (Unless I feel really bothered by it, I won't be walked all over) I try to see the good in others and probably give more than I should sometimes. I don't consider.myself a writer, but i have written a few poems (usually emotionally inspired) and obviously have this blog.

I am not a person who has a high level of self esteem. I am working on that though. I know that i am a Daughter of God, which gives me a lot to look forward to. It gives my life a meaning and a purpose. But I (like many people I know) don't feel as if I am the person that people think i am. I have been told that I am a "spiritual giant" especially with all the trials I've faced this year. I don't feel that tall. I feel as if I have a lot of shortcomings,  I know my weaknesses and maybe im good at hiding them. I know how I can withhold my emotions.  I know how I keep from asking for help when I maybe need it most. I know that I will say "I'm fine" when really im not. Maybe thats because they are someone who isn't ready for the chapter of my life I'm in, or maybe its just me holding back again. Im not really sure why I'm writing this post. Or where I am trying to go with it.  Maybe it seems a little random and thrown together,  probably because to some extent it is. I guess maybe because of this friend I was reminded of my book, vs the books of others. Maybe I need to give it some time for them to be ready to open up their life. Maybe I need to just be patient and be a friend. Even if it means a little bit of vulnerability.  Hopefully it doesnt backfire on me. Hopefully I don't get hurt in the end. All in all for those of you who are my friends and reading this, i want you to know I appreciate your friendship.  I appreciate the chapters of your life that you've shared with me. And if you ever feel as if I am holding back some chapter or you're missing a few items from my table of contents,  please know its nothing personal. Its just my inner monster trying to either attack, or waiting for the stroke of my spine for me to open up.