big changes in a smaller package

It's amazing to make and look at comparisons like this.  The photo on the left was in early June when I had barely started my weight loss transformation.  I had just moved in March into my current location and finally gotten settled where I was comfortable and able to focus on my life where I needed to.  The right side was the end of September when my mom was hospitalized.  I knew that my body was changing,  that I was giving away clothes like crazy but sometimes you don't really see it until you do something like this and can really see/compare then and now.  Kicking butt & taking names!!

Feeling Proud

Wow! Well it has now been about 2 months since my last post, and in those 2 months I’ve only lost another 11#. But they weren’t easy to lose. They were also amidst several weekends of travel, plus one weekday travel trip for work. So it was hard sometimes to stay within daily calorie ranges. It was also during some time when I was sick. I had almost 2 weeks where I had a severe sinus infection and was just miserable, so working out was NOT on the agenda. Then as I started to feel better and was trying to work out again I injured my foot and couldn’t even wear a shoe from the swelling, let alone walk or work out in any way. So not that I am back to mostly feeling better the colder weather is aggravating my knee! I haven’t been able to do as much as I would like but I have been doing what I can still so that I am not ignoring my opportunities. I am just making sure to take advantage whenever I can and icing after. Things are starting to pick up again. Hopefully I can keep it up.

          I am now just shy of 50# of weight loss. It’s incredible to think I have had so much success and on my own! It’s amazing to look in the mirror sometimes in the morning and have to change my outfit because what I put on is just too baggy now. I need belts something crazy but I hate wearing them, so I frequently have to pull up my pants! Today I put on what used to be one of my favorite dresses, and it too is pretty much too big. I wore it anyway, kinda one last hoorah so to speak. I almost cried looking in the mirror because it hung down beautifully below my bust line instead of from my stomach. I know that it’s exciting to be shrinking out of my clothes but it’s hard too! It’s hard when my “go to” clothes are now being given away and I don’t really have anything new to wear. I have gotten some new stuff from some friends and I picked up some shirts off the clearance rack during the summer, but it’s an adjustment overall. I am just not used to this!  Nothing is quite like my old “go to” clothes. I guess in time I will have new ones. There have also been some tops that I don’t necessarily want to give away so I have to alter stuff! That’s actually kind of fun and exciting too!

          I was talking on the phone this week to a friend who really helped remind me of the progress I am making. It was nice to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and understands how it is to not only be heavy but to deal with the changes that come from weight loss. I still struggle sometimes emotionally from the whole thing. It’s unusual for me. I have been on the heavy side for so long it’s hard for me to get used to being smaller. The thing is I am smaller, but still not “skinny” or “small” by any means! I am still in the “obese” category on the scale, I am still wearing plus size clothing and so it’s hard to look in the mirror and see that I am much smaller, and that my clothes are too big, but still see that I am also still too big.

          I have told my close friends that if I am still calling myself “fat” or saying inappropriate things about my body or body image once I get down closer to my goal weight they better smack me! I get really bothered by beautiful women I know who are not large by any means (in my eyes for sure) when they say they need to lose weight or are unhappy with their body image. I am hoping that eventually as I continue to lose weight and clothing sizes that I can lose some of my negative body imaging as well. I am not sure how that works though. I am not sure how to keep my negative emotions losing right along with the other stuff. The funny thing is, although I have never been happy about being overweight, I have not let it affect who I am or how I treat myself or my friends. I have worked hard at being happy no matter how I looked or felt about myself and I know I can continue with that, but then I have moments like today where it’s hard to see the changes and yet then be slightly discouraged knowing I am far from where I ultimately need to be.

It is incredible to have people comment on the changes I have made. To have those close to me who I love and trust acknowledge and share that they can see it. I too can see it the majority of the time. Why can’t major life changes like this be easier? It has been such a blessing to be so successful. When I had my foot problems recently and I saw my doctor he noticed too on my records from last December when I was in until that recent visit the difference on the scale. I told him it was mostly from Mid-May until current so as he continued to look he saw where I was in June and was able to see what I was saying. We talked a bit about how I know someone who is preparing for weight loss surgery. I had told the person at the time that I didn’t want to do that unless I really got stuck and was feeling I just couldn’t do it anymore on my own. I told that person that I was proud of the way things were going especially since I was doing it on my own and not through some program or otherwise. I love that I am finally actually making the changes within myself and my eating habits that were changing me and my life-permanently! He agreed. He told me that I have already lost more on my own than most people prior to surgery. He said that I could discuss it with him if I felt I wanted the surgery down the road but he encouraged me to continue doing what I was and take it from there. Those are the moments I am most proud!

I think that’s the key!... I AM proud of myself! I think until right now I hadn’t really said that! I don’t think I really thought of that before. I had others tell me they were proud of me, but I don’t think I realized I was proud of myself. I shared a snippet of this on my Facebook a bit ago and got a few comments already. Then a friend of mine texted me about what I shared. I reassured her that overall I had been working on a more positive blog post than it maybe seemed in the snippet shared. She reminded me to remember this is a journey, and to recognize how far I really have traveled already, even though it looks like there is too much ahead to conquer. I know I can do it! I started small and am continuing to make small goals so that I don’t oversee the progress. I know that I have come a long way. Only myself and a very few other people really know how much I have to lose, but I do know I have made a tremendous start. After all I have lost 15.46% of my body weight!

Everyone asks me if I am feeling better now. They ask if my knee is hurting less etc. For the most part it doesn’t feel as if anything has changed. I know that seems weird but it’s just how I am feeling. My knee still hurts and my labs etc were all normal before.  I wasn’t having major health problems (yet) so it’s hard to say that I’m feeling “better” I know I am better though. I know that with each pound I am taking pressure off my knee. I know that as I continue to lose I am decreasing my risk of diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, and many other issues that luckily I didn’t have to face. So I guess I am feeling better in the sense that I still feel well health wise, and it’s going to continue to improve!

So things are going great. Slower than I would prefer but overall it’s been a good ride. It’s incredible to be having success, especially being able to do it on my own (with the love and support of family and friends of course) but basically by knowing who I am and making the personal changes that were within my power. As I continue to lose I will continue to make new changes. It’s a blessing to be able to eat healthier, smaller portions and really feel full. I really know now that I am capable of doing this.  I will continue down this road and not be disappointed in set backs, because I know that each one will push me to work harder and be smarter. I know that this is a race I started on my own and I know that I can reach the finish line. What an incredible feeling! 

a picture is worth. ...

1, 000 words

Internal Vs External Battles

 So I hope that this post comes across the way I want it to. I am hoping that I can show the intended balance of the good vs. the bad. I have a feeling that it may come across as a negative post, which is NOT my intention at all. What I want to write about, I actually already wrote most of it earlier today and am now going to type it here maybe edit some of it. But it's about my weight loss, which is a completely positive thing in my life. But sometimes even when we are having positive experiences there is always that little voice in the back of our mind that fills us with doubt. There is that voice that tells us we aren't worth what we are worth. It’s that little part of our subconscious fed by evil that doesn't want us to see the good. It’s that part of us that tells us to give up and quit that it isn't worth it anymore. It tells us that we're fine the way things are. It tells us that we can do bad and be happy or ...whatever the case may be. That is the idea that I want to write about. That battle within myself that as I am having success it's that small little voice that as things may have slowed down a bit is wanting me to stop when I don't plan to stop. It’s the battle I am having about my progress.... Anyway I hope this is a good enough introduction and that you can understand where I am coming from as you read it. I hope that it leaves you knowing that I am confident and happy with my progress. That I am continuing little by little, day by day. That I have not given up and don't intend to. This is a lifelong journey I have embarked on and I know there will be struggles so I am prepared to fight.

SO naturally everything for my weight loss started out quickly. I made a few small and simple changes and the weight started dropping off like crazy. In 6 weeks I had lost 19#, then the next 6 weeks I slowed down a little bit but had lost 11#. Then in the almost 4 weeks or so since that time it’s barely been 5#. I know that this is typical with weight loss. I knew that it would slow down, but it’s frustrating to have it happen. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I am not trying to complain. I am so proud of myself because I’ve lost 36#! That is an amazing accomplishment. It is an incredible amount of success and to my recollection is better that and success I had in the past. I was never this successful in either keeping with a program or in the amount of weight lost.

I’ve made some huge strides and am feeling great. Its just hard for the past month to have continued working so hard (if not harder) to keep up with the success, but yet I’ve had things slow down. I know that it’s not just about the number on the scale. It’s about health and about body size etc.  Yes I know that I have had to give away some clothing that was just too big to wear anymore. Yes I know that people have told me that they can tell I’ve lost weight. That they can see it, and yes there are days where I can see it too. The only thing I don’t see is that they tell me they can see it in my face. (I personally don’t recognize it in my face) But although I can see some of the physical changes (and feel it in my clothing) I can also see the number on the scale. I can see how high the number is. I can still see all that needs to go weight wise. My shape/stomach is still a lot rounder than I would like it to be.

I hated when the guys are work were weighing themselves the other day and I weigh more than the heaviest guy who was involved. … but not only do I weigh more than him, but I weigh more than  him and he was fully uniformed with all his gear and bullet proof vest etc. So without all his gear he weighs a lot less than what was shown on the scale.  It’s hard to look at some people and to know that the weight I have to lose is approximately what they weigh, that I basically need to lose an entire adult!  It’s overwhelming to think about sometimes. It is rewarding though to look at it and realize I am approximately 1/5^th of the way done. Yet then there is that internal conflict again telling me that it’s slowing down or stopping.

Now of course with any plateau they say to “mix it up” a bit. They say to change workouts, do more, go farther, workout longer etc. It is difficult to “mix it up” with my knee. It’s been acting up again. Even with just the walking and swimming, I am still having a lot of problems sometimes. So when even one of the simplest things are irritating it, it is hard to mix it up to something more, I really don’t have too many options.

I guess where its really frustrating is at my earlier weeks I had met and passed my first small goals I set. So for my next goal I had wanted to be down a total of 50# by my birthday. At the time when I made that goal I was averaging 3-4# per week of weight loss. At the time with what I needed to lose to make it to 50 by my birthday it brought that average needed down to about 2# per week (see I was looking ahead knowing things would slow down) But here I am now just a few weeks away from my birthday and still have 14# to go. It’s discouraging.

I know I will get there, and then I will make and get to my next goal. Maybe I won’t reach that goal by my birthday, maybe it will be the end of the month, or maybe early October. I am just annoyed that it slowed as much as it has. Of course there are always other factors to consider too, monthly feminine issues and weather changes with water retention etc. but is it too much to ask to still see some progress on the scale? I mean when you look at the long term and see the graphs it down slope down, some weeks steeper than others, and that’s great. But even the graph shows the slowing.

I really, really don’t want this to sound like I am complaining, or giving up because I am NOT. I’m just trying to express my feelings so they don’t bottle up and cause other problems. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past 16 or so weeks. I know I can resist donuts, and ice cream and the vending machine temptations at work. I know this because I have been resisting the temptations. This is the first time I’ve embarked on a weight loss journey where I really have stuck with it for this long. This is also the most success I have had so there is no way I am giving up now! (Too bad I started at a higher weight than any time in the past though…) I’ve worked far too hard to give up now. I have worked hard to make these changes and get where I am. This is about ME. I finally love myself enough to make myself a priority. I guess you can say that I am being selfish, but in a good way. I am focusing on myself, but not at the expense of others. I am still doing what I can, when I can to reach out and help others. I am just also looking out for myself.

I guess I wanted to write this as a reminder to my future self. It’s not always going to be easy. In fact it will probably get even harder after this. I am NOT a quitter. For once in my life I am thinking of me. Isn’t that what they say? That you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? I’d say that I am and always have been a happy person even being overweight. But maybe I didn’t love myself enough to care for myself properly until now.

So I’ve done difficult thins before. I’ve had trials and a weight loss plateau is just another trial. I’ll keep going and eventually it will “catch up” Eventually I won’t be embarrassed to say how much I weigh. (Barely anybody knows now, and to the one or two who do, thank you for keeping my secret) I just need to keep going. Keep pushing myself further and harder. Need to keep wearing my knee brace and not being afraid to take pain medicine when I need it to go on that walk or to do whatever it is I put my mind to do. Maybe I will find something else that isn’t too difficult, or too high impact.

So note to my future self… you’re going to look back on this post one day and think “wow, how trivial that time was” maybe I will be reading this thinking “I had no idea what was coming” So basically knowing that it may get harder before yet to lose weight. Especially knowing that the holidays are coming and there will be even more temptations. I know that I CAN and WILL get there. Someday I will be half the woman I am today. At that time I will look back at my current self as a fighter. Ill know that I was stronger than I may think I am.

There was a song that came on today on my Ipod when I had it on shuffle. It’s a Disney song (no surprise there really)  it’s called “Find Yourself” it is sung by Brad Paisley for the movie “Cars” here are some of the lyrics:

When you go through life
So sure of where you're headin'
And you wind up lost
And it's the best thing that could have happened
'Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

I think that I have been to that point this year in my life. Where I did get lost, thru that time it really did help me to find myself. It’s about time. I was getting pretty dusty there for a bit. Now that I have found myself and am taking care of me, it’s turning out great. Even if the change is slow, it is still a change in the right direction. That is what really matters. The ultimate goal is the downward direction slope on the chart. The part that matters are the smaller clothing and the happier, healthier me, no matter what the number on the scale says. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So most of my friends know I work for a law enforcement agency. I have had a lot of experiences there, both good and bad, but currently I am in an office and enjoying my surroundings. I have made a lot of friends in the office both with the clerical staff and with some of the officers. Which is where things get a little tricky (for me anyway, it comes easy to some others)

I have always been taught to respect those in authority. I have always felt that a doctor should be called Doctor, and an officer should be respected as such. If I am at church people are Brother or Sister, and in public if I meet someone they are sir or ma'am. When I meet a friends parents I call them Mr or Mrs, etc. So naturally at work I want to say "Officer So-in-so" and frequently do. But there is where the problem begins. As I have been making friendships and as I know them outside of work to some degree. We're friends on facebook etc sometimes I struggle between calling them Officer so-in-so vs their first name. Especially when they're in uniform.

For me I would think that when they're working etc I should call them Officer, and if I am maybe outside of work, then I can call them by their name. The funny thing is some of the officers that have desk positions I see more regularly at work so they're almost like other clerical personnel in the sense I see them frequently. So sometimes I say their name, sometimes officer. Then there are the ones working the road that I typically don't see as frequently. One of these officers came in one day near the end of his shift and I had a question for him regarding one of his collisions he took the report for. So I went into the report room and said "Officer    
such-in-such" and asked my question we talked about whatever it was and I said thank you and as I was leaving he said "and it's Bob (name changed to protect officer such-n-such's identity)" I felt kind of bad as if I had offended him by greeting him as officer.

I know that they work hard and have been thru a lot to receive their badge and position. Especially since I spent 3 weeks at the academy and saw what they do for 27 weeks! Then in their jobs, they risk their lives daily not just for my sake but everyone's. It is a huge responsibility and I think they deserve to be addressed and recognized for that, especially on duty. So it's a struggle for me sometimes. There is a fine line between using their name and officer. Maybe this isn't a struggle for others as much as it is for me, since I hear others call them by their given name on a regular basis. I had one coworker say to me that for her she tries to use officer when in front of the public but otherwise uses their name. Which makes sense but sometimes I still don't want to say "George", or "Charles" (*also fake names used) or whatever their name may be. It's awkward for me, unless we're not at work, then it doesn't feel as weird to me as when they're dressed.

Anyway maybe I am just being silly, and maybe if you're one of the officers I work with reading this and you have a comment feel free to share it. Or tell me what you think at work. But if I do ever call you by your first name it really means I am comfortable with you as a friend. and I am either not itimidated by you (also why sometimes I want to use Officer) or you caught me off guard where I lost all respect for your authority (just kidding) Well that's my thoughts for now! 

Walking and Losing

Quite a few things have happened since my last post. Mostly I lost some stuff.... 27 pounds! It feels incredible! I owe it to a lot of dedication, hard work and new habits. It hasn't been easy but I have been walking. It's been 2 months now and so my weight loss is "above average". They say that 1-2 pounds per week is good, I have been doing like 3-4, (and am not complaining about that at all) I also know that my current living situation has been a blessing and helped as well. 

I started out only doing like 30 min/day and in the mornings have also been doing walking dvd workouts. Now I am averaging 60-90min/day walking! I have also been really focused on not eating out often. So I am cooking frequently and with the cooking am making healthier choices and not only do I cook my dinner but my lunch for the next day (at the same time) I have been paying a lot of attention to what portion sizes should be and have been cooking normal portion sizes. Sometimes half portion sizes. 

I have also been using myfitnesspal.com (and the corresponding app on my phone) to monitor and track my calories in/out. I have been using the "everybody walk" to track my mileage/time etc for my walks. In the past few weeks i have spoken to a few people and actually have found two people who have offered their pools for anytime I would like to use them as well. So with the increasing summer heat I have been doing more swimming as well. One of the places is approx 1.5 miles from my house, so I am able walk there, swim, then walk home again! 

Like I already mentioned I know that my environment has also played a HUGE role in my success on this new journey of mine. I have found in the past that I was always either watching what I was eating (to some degree) or I was going to the gym. They never seemed to line up properly. Or I was doing weight watchers or whatever it was that I was trying but I still had a crazy schedule or whatever else going on that was keeping me from following it completely or long term or whatever. Now that i am renting a room where I am in a peaceful environment I can focus more on myself. I am not stressed out because of my Dad or because of another individual. If I see the other girls that rent there it's usually a happy greeting. (but we rarely cross paths, so it's nice) I am allowed to use the kitchen and laundry whenever I want so it doesn't disrupt others (again typically our paths don't cross much, but when they do we work together) I do love my family and at one point I was really close to my previous roommate. But neither was fun to live with in recent experiences. What a difference a little distance can make. It's nice because I can go and visit my family and it's nice to see them, but at the same time I can leave anytime I want, especially if they're bothering me. Its nice to not be eating my emotions anymore. It is also nice to make smarter food and snack choices. To not have the temptations around. 

Now that I am happy where I am, and I am able to make my own meals (in proper portion sizes) I have Tupperware containers that as soon as I make my dinner half goes into a container for lunch the next day. *I typically make 2 servings of whatever it is at one time, it's not like I am eating half portions constantly. Although i frequently use a single portion of certain items and use it for both lunch and dinner so sometimes somethings I am eating are only a half portion. I have noticed that in eating the proper portion sizes and having small snacks in between larger meals I am feeling full at a normal portion size. When i go out and if I try to eat more than I should I notice it now. Maybe if I had paid more attention all along or wasn't eating emotionally etc I wouldn't have gotten as heavy as I have over the years. Its nice because I am purchasing my own foods I am not surrounded by the junk (I just don't buy it) but at the same time I am not depriving myself of anything at any time. I have just learned to make the healthier choice or buy smaller amounts. For instance if I want some chips I just buy a small bag. So then if I just can't stop myself I am only eating a 2.5 serving bag instead of say a 10 serving bag. Or whatever the measurements are. If I want a candy bar I may go ahead and buy one, but not an entire bag of them. If they are not there neither is the temptation. This has helped a lot because in not depriving myself I am not binge-ing either.  It really feels great! 

For once in my life I am focused on increased activity at the same time as the controlled eating and am seeing positive results. Positive results encourages more positive behavior and so I am inspiring myself to continue. So I keep going and the weight keeps coming off!! Yay! My initial goal was 18# in the first 6 weeks. Which I beat and at my 6 week mark I was down 19.4#. So the next goal I set for myself was to continue (obviously) and to hopefully be down a total of 50# by my birthday at the end of Sept. At that 6 week mark that meant I had approx 31# to lose and I think it was like 12.5 weeks to do so. It meant I had approx 2.75#/week to lose. So far I am still losing and I think that not only am I still on track to make that goal as well, but am only needing to lose like 2.5#/week now to reach it! YAY! 

Another positive reinforcement that is helping me keep going is that the people around me are starting to notice and are telling me that they can see the changes! It still isn't much yet but I do feel great. There have been a few mornings when I have gotten dressed and when looking in the mirror I felt great and almost wanted to cry. I didn't though (surprisingly enough since I am so emotional typically) maybe because although the changes are noticeable they're still slight changes thus far. It shows I've lost weight  but knowing that I still have much more to go I am trying to (I still can't picture it though) imagine when I reach my next goal or whatever goal will come after that one. I can see the changes and it makes me happy but they're not the final changes yet so I don't want to celebrate too soon! Each victory is still a victory though so I am happy. ALthough most of my pants/shorts etc were loose before, I am pulling them up and rolling the waistbands a lot more often now than I previously did!

They say that it takes 21 days (i think) to create a habit... I have far surpassed that and am walking more and more. In fact I am frequently looking at walking to run errands instead of driving and usually do walk now if I have time. It's crazy and I am loving it so much! Maybe later I will post some of the pretty scenery, sunsets, insects etc that I have gotten to see by spending my workouts outdoors! I really am being so blessed, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  

Anyway I need to get to bed. This is my 3rd night in a row staying up past midnight.... ooops

Mi Vida Loca

So I haven't written in awhile.... a long long while. But such is my crazy life. A lot has happened in the past several months. Many of which have been trials that I've had to go thru. I have learned a lot in those experiences and am continuing to move forward and look ahead. I am not perfect and I know my life won't always be but it's nice to be able to keep going. 

I don't want to go into details, but I am no longer renting with my friend. In short, it wasn't working out for us as roommates. I felt in some occasions she was selfish and although I was trying to overlook those situations, when i came home and overheard her (she was in her bedroom with the door shut, but was talking loud enough to be heard from the front door, it's hard not to overhear at that point) talking about me on the phone. She said some negative things and was not really talking as someone who is/was my friend. I decided at that point in time I was ready to move on and to find somewhere else to live where I would be respected as an idividual and would be appreciated for things I would do. I am not saying I was necessarily a perfect roommate to her, maybe there was things she didn't appreciate but I was not going to be disrespected and treated negatively. I had previously been getting that at my parents house and was not going to tolerate it from my so called friend. 

The next day I was able to get into contact with someone I have known for a long time who I knew rented rooms. I went after work and spoke with her and a little more than 2 weeks later I moved. I am now renting a very large studio size room. I have full house priviledges, laundry kitchen etc. There are a couple other renters but I rarely see them and so it works out perfectly. As I said I have known the lady I rent from for a very long time (since preschool, I grew up with her son) and so she is like a second mom to me. I love being in her home. I feel so comfortable and happy here. I am still in Simi and not far from my parents either so I can go over there and see them or my nephews if I want. My room is set up with my TV, futon and bean bag at one end of the room, and my shelves, keyboard, and bed at the other end. It's nice. I have free wall space, I have a closet that is nearly 12 feet long so I have plenty of space! Otherwise it's nice to come home and cook myself dinner with enough to have dinner and lunch the next day. I am eating healthier and am very happy. My friend is no longer talking to me. It was hard at first but I have realized I am better off without the negativity she constantly had. I know who my true friends are, they're the ones who strive to be happy and encourage me to be happy. they're the ones still by my side after all these years! 

Other than the stress of moving and having to get settled into a new place again just barely 4.5 months after I had moved in the first place things have been going well. I got to go shooting with the officers from work. It was incredible. I did really well for my first time. I still don't think I would feel completely comfortable going shooting on my own yet but it was great being amongst people I trust.  I really learned a lot. I also got to spend a weekend in Vegas with my friend Angela and also with officers and friends from work. It was for the Baker 2 Vegas law enforcement relay run. It was a really great weekend. I am not much  of a Vegas person but it was fun getting away and spending time with friends. I learned a lot that weekend as well. After that trip was when the poem "Windy Emotions" was born. It was an interesting weekend with some of the things that happened. I guess that's why they say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" don't worry I didn't do anything immoral or against my beliefs. Just emotions from relationships and such. 

I think that's mostly it. I mean things are always kind of chugging along. My family is great and still so supportive of me and I am thankful for them. Especially back in March when I chose to move in a short time frame. They are happy for me since I am in a better place now and am happier. I will likely be here for awhile.  I am sure that lots of other things both good and bad have happened since I last wrote, but for the most part things have been improving. I am glad for that. Church is great and i am thankful for having the Gospel. I am glad that everyday I can read my scriptures, both in the Bible and the Book of Mormon and grow closer to my brother and Savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the Spirit and being so blessed. Not much more to say for tonight! 

Windy Emotions

Feeling unsure of myself

Not knowing what to think

Regular changes on the shelf

Pushing me to the brink

My emotions like the wind

Constantly blowing by and by

I know it’s not the end

They’ll continue to soar and fly

It seems like once I get myself grounded

Something sweeps me off my feet

Happens again before I’ve rebounded

Making things feel incomplete

Funny when I already know

Something isn’t what it seems

When I have to let it go

I need to release the dream

Always easier said than done

Ignoring all of those feelings

So then, what is to become

From all my emotional dealings

Crazy when it’s wrong

When yet it seemed so right

Like my favorite song

Stuck in my head all night

I want to move on thru

The breeze just brings me back

Trying to find something new

I just get blown off track 

I want to stop the breeze

Or at least remove the chill

It doesn’t come with ease

But I want it still

My emotions keep on changing

It’s a natural part of life

So I’ll keep rearranging

Take each day in strife

Wind and emotions are the same

Felt, and not always seen

Keeping calm is the aim

It keeps our character clean

The winds just keep on blowing

Flowing thru the sky

I hope it keeps me growing

I want to soar and fly

When the winds are under control

They keep us moving along

With my emotions under control

It helps me to become strong

I cannot let them overtake me

I know what I need to do

Watch, wait and see

I will make it thru

The winds will settle down

My emotions will someday too

The winds come and go around

Emotions are like the wind, who knew?

Friendly Vs Flirting

I have always been a friendly person. I like to talk and joke and laugh. I have no problem talking to girls or guys, younger or older. I have been this way since I can remember. I can be a little quiet and reserved at first until I get to know a few people and start to feel more comfortable. Then look out world Renee is gonna have fun. I am friends with a lot of the families in church and most of those relationships started because I love kids! I think I started by acknowledging their cute children and naturally had to get to know the parents (who as it turns out, are just as cool as the kiddos) I also talk to a lot of the elderly I know in my life. They have a lot more experience than I do, and I love to hear their stories and learn from their examples.

I am a person who can be in most circumstances and look for the good. I can be at a party and the only sober one, but still laughing and joking and mostly having fun. I sing karaoke and make a fool of myself and don’t really care. People ask me all the time if I want to sing in the choir at church (or why I am not singing) and it’s because I don’t feel confident enough to do so. I know that the people there are talented and I don’t see that in myself. I don’t know how to read music. I don’t know the difference between key of E or key of G or … (any of them) I just want to have fun. I usually do have fun too! Karaoke is fun for me. I can make a fool of myself and I learn not to sing that song again! Or I can do alright on a song and get some compliments and know I should add it to my list of songs to sing.

The thing that gets me though is that sometimes my friendliness is mistaken for flirting. I don’t really know how to solve that problem. I am not going to ignore people just because they’re the opposite sex. I am a friendly person. In fact if I like someone, it actually makes it harder for me to talk to them. I am afraid to embarrass myself. I blush SUPER easy and am afraid that something will be said that will give it all away! But I have had some close friends say that I am flirty. I guess I don’t really know where the line is drawn between the two, because I don’t feel as if I am being flirty in most situations where I am being accused. So if this is the case with someone who might be reading this I am sorry. It really is unintentional.

I had someone tell me recently that someone told them I liked their husband because I talk to him etc. Luckily she knows me well enough to know that isn’t the case. I appreciate her telling me though, but it makes me wonder why someone would say that? I talk to him and a lot of other people in the same situation. If I am passing someone in the hall I typically say hello. I treat him the same as I treat several other people in the same scenario. It doesn’t make sense to me why someone would accuse me of that. I have a lot of respect for the bonds of matrimony! I have a lot of respect even for someone that I know is dating someone else. I would NEVER try to jeopardize someone else’s relationship despite any feelings of my own. If you go back a few blog posts and read my poem “Untouchable” it’s about exactly what I am saying now. I wouldn’t want someone to try to form a relationship with a guy I am dating/married to etc. so I would never do that to a guy who I know is in one! But it doesn’t mean I won’t talk to that guy. It doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with that guy. I think that every relationship needs to have an element of trust.  Again, If I have crossed any lines for this topic I am sorry. I promise that it’s completely unintentional. Even the guy involved in this specific case told me not to worry about it.  He told me that he enjoys talking to me and that if someone was to say something to him specifically HE would tell them it’s not true. I appreciated that. Even though I am still hurt that someone would spread the rumor in the first place.

I prefer it when people are honest with me. I would much rather you tell me the truth about something than to let it go and be bothered by it. I would rather know and be able to work on a solution or compromise than to be offending anyone unknowingly. So if my friendliness is coming on a little strong, please don’t hesitate to tell me to “settle down” a little bit. It may hurt just a tad but I would rather try to be more careful than to lose the friendship all together. I think that for me being overweight has caused me to have a little bit of a lower self esteem naturally. But at the same time I am working on that. I am really starting to remind myself that my body doesn’t define who I am. (You can read about that in my Valentines Day post “Simply Single” So now when I do step outside my comfort zone I think that it is misunderstood.  Maybe that’s why I’ve become overly friendly sometimes! I do like to have fun and make new friends and hang out. I like to feel like I “fit in”. It’s comforting to know that someday I will find my “Mr. Right” as far as I can tell he isn’t in my life yet. If it is someone I already know, I have no idea who it is! For now I am enjoying being me. I am working on loosing weight and trying to be healthier. I am enjoying my independence and trying to be a better me. I want to be the best that I can be so that I am ready to give myself 100% to the guy of my dreams. I think that is all I can do. So I am going to continue being friendly. I am going to continue to be who I am and if someone has a problem with that I hope that they are the kind of person who will come to ME about it. I hope that they will be honest with ME. Don’t say things that you don’t know or understand. I am (in my eyes at least) being friendly and not flirting probably more often than not! … well that’s my vent for the night. 

Simply Single

 Single on Valentines day yet again... But remind me why this is a bad thing? I mean, it's not that I don't wish I had a significant other to share it with, but when it comes down to it I need to lose weight so chocolates are not good. I have more stuffed animals than I need so I don't need any more of those and although fresh flowers smell and look beautiful today, they won't be as fresh in a week (nor would they be as expensive). So it wasn't a "bad" day for me really. But then again, never having had a significant other on Valentines day I guess I have nothing to compare it to. I do remember one Valentines day I had an appointment with my surgeon to get stitches removed from my wrist, and another Valentines Day I spent with my friends Collin and Remy and we had Togo's for lunch and went for a drive (Collin's car was fairly new at the time I believe, and since it's an '04, it was maybe 2005 when that happened) so I haven't always been home alone.  It's nice to know that I don't have to fight crowds and long waits to have dinner tonight. I don't have to feel pressured to "go out" tonight.

I really am blessed though, I don't really have much experience in the dating scene or in any real relationships and although sometimes that can be a bit depressing. I really do know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends and family and I have some friends that have been by my side for a long long time and I know that if I were to call them I could cry on their shoulder! I don't understand how some women feel the need to always be with someone. How they focus their lives on being in a relationship. I cannot wait to get married and have a family someday but I am quite capable of being on my own. It's reassuring knowing that I can take care of things on my own. That I know how to assemble furniture, and to do household repairs. I like knowing how to work on my car and maybe that makes me a little bit of a Tom-boy but who cares? I like the NHRA Drag races and classic cars. Some girls like watching sports with their boyfriends/husbands and some are annoyed by their significant others being into that kind of stuff. I am ok with it! I know that I have things I enjoy that my future spouse may not like and vice-versa but there is nothing wrong with that. It'll be nice to have some levels of independance. It'll be nice to enjoy things together like fishing and hiking and camping, but to let him watch the game with the guys. (Unless its the Dodgers I like going to their games... on TV he can watch alone)

I feel as if my thoughts on this post are a little scattered or jumbled, but mostly I wanted to say Happy Valentines Day to all my friends and family. Thanks for loving me and making sure that I know I am loved. I don't feel sad that I am "alone" because I know that I am a Daughter of God and I know that someday it will happen that I will be in a relationship with someone who may not be perfect, but who will be perfect for me and we will both be able to enjoy the day together. In the meantime, I wore a cute red top today (and it did get noticed by a few people, one being a guy) and I felt confident and happy. That's all that really matters if you ask me. That is one thing that has happened in my life in the past few years. I have become a lot more confident. I have really started to notice who I am even more than before and although I do more frequently wear make-up than I used to, I still wear it minimally. But I have found that balance to make sure I feel beautiful enough to face everyday as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. It's given me confidence and I know that it's helped me to make new friends and to really appreciate myself and to not be so negative about the things I don't like about me. Thus making me love myself. That's the first step right? Love myself so that others can love me and I can love them?

So no, it's not a bad thing that I am single still this year. Who knows maybe with all this beauty and confidence, this will be my lucky year... if not I still have those friends and family and will still work on nto letting Valentine's Day get me down.

Back to the beginning

Well the time is almost here... tomorrow afternoon I will meet my newest orthopedic doctor for my knee. I cannot lie, I am starting to freak out a little bit. This is something I have known was coming but to some degree was avoiding. I knew that my knee was getting worse, but I kept thinking I would do what I could to lose weight first and I would do what I could to show that I am doing all I can to make it better. But the longer it's been the harder its becoming. I am watching my portions on food and trying to cook healthier, I pack my lunches for work, and although I am not perfect I really have been trying to be better about what I am eating. I try to walk and do as much as I can. Sometimes more than I should. Yet my weight is still up and my knee is worse. I tried to blame it on the colder weather thinking that in time it would settle down again and I could do more... but then a few weeks ago I had a really bad night. (I've actually had several bad days/nights but ignored them or tried not to let people know, but that night I got caught in a moment of pain and couldn't hide it) 

Part of my hesitation aside from trying to do other things first knowing they would help, was knowing I had to start over. Knowing that once again my insurance has changed and so I had to start at the beginning. I had to make an appointment with my primary physician, then get the referral to the ortho. I really like my new primary physician though, and in meeting with him I got to talk about some other stuff that was helpful. Now tomorrow is the "big day". I know where it's leading. They are going to want to probably get a new MRI (not fun) and they're going to push and prod and poke and I am not looking forward to it. Nothing like them making your knee do stuff that hurts to make it hurt worse. I would take a pain pill before the appointment to help it but I want them to know how much it does hurt. How I start limping before I can finish walking thru a store. How despite having a cool wheelchair & typically shorter lines I would prefer to stand and walk at Disneyland. I miss the hiking and playing sports and being able to walk on the sand at the beach. I want to be able to go ice skating and to go places without being uncomfortable. I haven't been able to bowl in years because the last time I went I was miserable for 2 weeks after! I want to be able to wear heels again (not tall ones, but I am sick of flats) I want to be able to play with my nephews, pick them up and spin them around without worrying about my knee giving out and droppping them. 

I hate the fact that I am experiencing new symptoms. Pain in parts of my knee that didn't hurt before! Pain that I don't know how to describe in order to tell them what is going on. I hate that I cannot sit on a chair comfortably, or on the floor, or the pew at church. Or get comfortable in bed. I hate that no matter what I am either uncomfortable, in pain or will be after I am done with whatever I was doing or how I was sitting. I hate that I have to stand at the copier at work like a flamingo because I don't want to stand and put weight on my leg because I am sore. I hate that when I try and do my old physical therapy exercises I cannot do them anymore because of the pain. 

I wonder what's going to happen if I have surgery again. I hope I can get the time off work and not lose my job. I really do enjoy my new office. I am barely getting by on my pay but I am making it work. I sort of watched "Annie" today at work (I say sorta because I put on a movie but am mostly listen to it while working not really watching it) All I can think about is the song when she gets to the house and she sings "I think Im going to like it here" I really do finally feel like I fit in at work...  I have been making friends and am thankful for the opportunities I have had thus far and am looking forward to new experiences in the future thanks to my new friends and coworkers.

I wonder how I am going to get up and down the stairs at my new place if I have surgery again. It won't be easy that's for sure! I wonder if tomorrow he is going to tell me to start using a cane or crutches again (even temporarily) or if he will give me a brace again. I don't like to draw attention to myself and a few of my coworkers have already learned about my knee stuff. I don't want to have to be obvious about it. I really don't like it. So although I am hopeful that maybe I can finally be on the road to some sort of recovery and be able to get back to life as it once was there is a part of me that thinks it's starting to be like my wrist. I have already had 4 wrist surgeries and I can already feel the cyst is back in it again. I am starting to feel like it too is needing another visit to the Dr! I have had 3 knee surgeries! I don't want it to be like my wrist. i don't want a permanent partial disability in it! I want to be done with it! Well I should be getting to bed! I am tired and have a big day tomorrow!

LIFE

LIFE

I never imagined I’d have all this doubt

Who said that this is what life is all about?

Many people are living their wildest dreams,

Some days, I just want to scream

I really feel I’m doing by best

But I have to wonder, will I pass “the test”

I give it my all

Winter, summer, spring and fall

When all is said and done

Will I be here, or want to run?

Sometimes in times of strife,

Traveling gravel on the road of life

I get to the fork, and turn to the right

And I wonder, is this the path of light?

I live everyday for having fun

Looking for the good in everyone

I know that this is my eternal role

But am I reaching my potential goal?

I plan to keep traveling

I’ll never stop trying

I know I’ll cross the finish line

Then eternity will be mine

I’ll live with my loved ones

In celestial glory, bright as the sun

So when I’m stuck on a bad road

I’ll do what I can to lighten my load

Reach out to my Father, up in heaven

A blessing I’ll get along with a lesson

He gives me the strength

When I put forth my hand he extends the length

I grow close to my Savior, it’s easy to do

In studying scriptures and praying too

So on my road of gravel and doubt

He shows me what life is really about

Sure there are trials and lessons to learn

Ill ignite my fire and feel the burn

It’s not up to me to do all alone

He’s leading me back to His glorious throne.

So with a smile I’ll start each new day

Head out the door and be on my way.

Looking far beyond the doubt

Discovering this IS what life is about!

Renee L Conaway

1/17/2013

Untouchable

I check your desk, when you may be there

You make me smile when you’re near

You’ve made me feel better about myself

Reminding me I’m not lost on the shelf

We’ve hugged and it makes me smile

So close, yet separated by a mile

You have such a big heart it’s unbelievable

You have a girlfriend so you’re untouchable

I don’t know what I’d do

If you were available too

I’d probably still wish and wonder

About the spell I’m under

When you told me I looked beautiful

The joy I felt was wonderful

You continue to surprise me

By reminding me who I can be

I yearn to be a better person

One who can be certain

The guy she loves will love her too

Too bad it’s not untouchable you

You give me compliments I don’t know how to take

I say thanks, and pinch myself to see if I’m awake

The little things you notice and mention,

It’s hard, because I’m not used to the attention

Someday I hope to find a guy like you

Someone who’s cute and full of kindness too

Someone who makes me see how life can be

Someone who notices the beauty hidden inside of me

I would never cross an untouchable line

Instead I will wait until my time

When someone like me, finds someone like you

Then he and I will be untouchable too

Renee L Conaway

1/3/2013

Christmas Letter 2012

Merry Christmas!                                                                                    December 2012

            Well another year has come and gone! It’s incredible how much can change in just one year! Last year at this time I was waiting on some news that didn’t come until Jan so I slacked on sending out Christmas wishes! Sorry for that! This year I am trying to get back on track (although a little late)

            I want to try and keep this year’s update a little shorter so I think I am going to do it a little different and break it down by month:

JAN: I received word that I passed my backgrounds and medical evaluations and was going to be hired by the Ca Highway Patrol as a Public Safety Dispatcher. I was scheduled to start in March.

FEB: I spent my last few weeks working for the County of Ventura, in the end of 2011 there had been a lot of changes made to the maintenance department where I was working and I was glad to be leaving. I quit giving myself a little more than 2 weeks off and spent some time with family and made a trip to Northern Ca and went fishing with my cousin in my time off. It was great. I also got to spend 24 hours straight at Disneyland for Leap Day! What a once in a lifetime experience. (they’d never allowed that before and I don’t know if they’ll do it again)

MAR: I started with CHP on the 14^th, I did all my new hire paperwork, a couple days of ride-alongs with officers then traveled to Sacramento for a 3 week training course. In Sacramento I stayed at the academy where the officers are trained. It was a unique experience and taught me a lot. It was “dorm-style” living and I enjoyed the break away from home.

APR: Easter Sunday was my first shift in the dispatch center and I answered a couple 911 calls. As it turned out my trainer was out sick that day with her son in the ER so I mostly sat around. My first month of training went well and I learned a lot and enjoyed it.

MAY: I got a new trainer, she seemed a lot more intense and I began to struggle some while training but I was hanging in there, studying a lot and working on improving where she felt I had issues.

JUN: I got a 3^rd trainer (they do that so that you get different perspectives and can learn to develop your own style while understanding different styles) With this trainer I felt I was really improving. I was starting to get perfect training scores and was really learning a lot. I was handling most of the calls on my own and my trainer taught me a lot. I continued studying in down time and was really gaining some level of comfort in what I was doing as a dispatcher.

During June I also got to spend a week in the Washington DC area visiting my friend Collin. It was great to get away and see the sites. I also got to visit with Sharon and her family while there! It was a great trip! I love the history in that area and only wish I had more time since there was a lot more I could’ve done but didn’t have time for. Oh and I wish I wasn’t there during a heat wave…. Bleh! Overall it was great though! (you can read more about it on my blog:  elegyrl.blogspot.com

JUL: At the end of June after my trip I spent a week working with the training supervisor since my trainer was on vacation when I got back. In the beginning of July I was assigned a new trainer. During that last week in June the training supervisor felt I was not quite where I needed to be for dispatch. So I was given a new trainer and was put on “remedial training” From the very first call I took my new trainer didn’t like anything I was doing. She was making change every log I made then telling me I was taking too long on my calls. I felt very uncomfortable working with her and when I approached supervisors about it they said that they couldn’t do much because I was struggling anyway and that “not everyone is cut out for the job”. That week was hard for me and at the end of the week they told me they were going to do a “Rejection During Probation” I was given the option to accept the RDP or to resign. I chose the RDP and was assigned to work clerical in the Moorpark office until it went thru. After that happened, I began to feel a sense of relief.

JUL/AUG/SEP Most of July, all of Aug and Sep I was working in Moorpark. I really enjoyed my time there and learned a lot. I also learned while I was there, that I wasn’t meant to work in the Ventura Dispatch Center. I’ve learned since that time that Ventura is known for not keeping their trainees. It’s sad really but I guess I just wasn’t a fit. It’s been tough and I wish it would’ve worked out but I have gained comfort in knowing that for some reason I wasn’t meant to be there. I made some great friends in Moorpark and during that time I didn’t feel a sense of urgency in finding a new job so I didn’t apply for many. Toward the end of that time a position opened up for an office assistant in the West Valley CHP office and I applied, interviewed and got the position. I took a “voluntary demotion” from dispatch to the office assistant position and now have been there 2.5 months.

OCT: In October an old friend of mine from High School Krissy messaged me about possibly renting a place together. I told her it was tough because I just took a demotion (and paycut) at work and I didn’t know if I could afford it. But we looked to see if we could find something we could budget for. We planned a Sat for her to come down so we could look and when she did we found a place! We moved in at the end of Oct. It’s small but it’s been nice. I have had to get some help from my family financially but I am hoping after Christmas when things settle down a little bit I won’t have to ask for as much help. It’s been nice to be out on my “own”

NOV: With having moved out and found a new job, although funds are tight I have/had a lot to be grateful for!

DEC: So far so good!

Overall with being able to be working and going to church, making new friends and spending time with family this has been a great year! I love you all and am thankful for so much in my life! My knee is still giving me problems but I am trying to do what I can anyway. I am not letting it force me to be lazy. I still have my Disneyland pass and although with working Dispatch at the beginning of the year I missed a few months, I still try to go regularly. I love it! Such a fun and peaceful atmosphere! Well I think that was my year in a nutshell! I’ve grown a lot this year and although I have struggled I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me, so I am looking forward to what 2013 has to bring! –maybe a husband?

Love you all so much