Feeling Proud

Wow! Well it has now been about 2 months since my last post, and in those 2 months I’ve only lost another 11#. But they weren’t easy to lose. They were also amidst several weekends of travel, plus one weekday travel trip for work. So it was hard sometimes to stay within daily calorie ranges. It was also during some time when I was sick. I had almost 2 weeks where I had a severe sinus infection and was just miserable, so working out was NOT on the agenda. Then as I started to feel better and was trying to work out again I injured my foot and couldn’t even wear a shoe from the swelling, let alone walk or work out in any way. So not that I am back to mostly feeling better the colder weather is aggravating my knee! I haven’t been able to do as much as I would like but I have been doing what I can still so that I am not ignoring my opportunities. I am just making sure to take advantage whenever I can and icing after. Things are starting to pick up again. Hopefully I can keep it up.

          I am now just shy of 50# of weight loss. It’s incredible to think I have had so much success and on my own! It’s amazing to look in the mirror sometimes in the morning and have to change my outfit because what I put on is just too baggy now. I need belts something crazy but I hate wearing them, so I frequently have to pull up my pants! Today I put on what used to be one of my favorite dresses, and it too is pretty much too big. I wore it anyway, kinda one last hoorah so to speak. I almost cried looking in the mirror because it hung down beautifully below my bust line instead of from my stomach. I know that it’s exciting to be shrinking out of my clothes but it’s hard too! It’s hard when my “go to” clothes are now being given away and I don’t really have anything new to wear. I have gotten some new stuff from some friends and I picked up some shirts off the clearance rack during the summer, but it’s an adjustment overall. I am just not used to this!  Nothing is quite like my old “go to” clothes. I guess in time I will have new ones. There have also been some tops that I don’t necessarily want to give away so I have to alter stuff! That’s actually kind of fun and exciting too!

          I was talking on the phone this week to a friend who really helped remind me of the progress I am making. It was nice to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and understands how it is to not only be heavy but to deal with the changes that come from weight loss. I still struggle sometimes emotionally from the whole thing. It’s unusual for me. I have been on the heavy side for so long it’s hard for me to get used to being smaller. The thing is I am smaller, but still not “skinny” or “small” by any means! I am still in the “obese” category on the scale, I am still wearing plus size clothing and so it’s hard to look in the mirror and see that I am much smaller, and that my clothes are too big, but still see that I am also still too big.

          I have told my close friends that if I am still calling myself “fat” or saying inappropriate things about my body or body image once I get down closer to my goal weight they better smack me! I get really bothered by beautiful women I know who are not large by any means (in my eyes for sure) when they say they need to lose weight or are unhappy with their body image. I am hoping that eventually as I continue to lose weight and clothing sizes that I can lose some of my negative body imaging as well. I am not sure how that works though. I am not sure how to keep my negative emotions losing right along with the other stuff. The funny thing is, although I have never been happy about being overweight, I have not let it affect who I am or how I treat myself or my friends. I have worked hard at being happy no matter how I looked or felt about myself and I know I can continue with that, but then I have moments like today where it’s hard to see the changes and yet then be slightly discouraged knowing I am far from where I ultimately need to be.

It is incredible to have people comment on the changes I have made. To have those close to me who I love and trust acknowledge and share that they can see it. I too can see it the majority of the time. Why can’t major life changes like this be easier? It has been such a blessing to be so successful. When I had my foot problems recently and I saw my doctor he noticed too on my records from last December when I was in until that recent visit the difference on the scale. I told him it was mostly from Mid-May until current so as he continued to look he saw where I was in June and was able to see what I was saying. We talked a bit about how I know someone who is preparing for weight loss surgery. I had told the person at the time that I didn’t want to do that unless I really got stuck and was feeling I just couldn’t do it anymore on my own. I told that person that I was proud of the way things were going especially since I was doing it on my own and not through some program or otherwise. I love that I am finally actually making the changes within myself and my eating habits that were changing me and my life-permanently! He agreed. He told me that I have already lost more on my own than most people prior to surgery. He said that I could discuss it with him if I felt I wanted the surgery down the road but he encouraged me to continue doing what I was and take it from there. Those are the moments I am most proud!

I think that’s the key!... I AM proud of myself! I think until right now I hadn’t really said that! I don’t think I really thought of that before. I had others tell me they were proud of me, but I don’t think I realized I was proud of myself. I shared a snippet of this on my Facebook a bit ago and got a few comments already. Then a friend of mine texted me about what I shared. I reassured her that overall I had been working on a more positive blog post than it maybe seemed in the snippet shared. She reminded me to remember this is a journey, and to recognize how far I really have traveled already, even though it looks like there is too much ahead to conquer. I know I can do it! I started small and am continuing to make small goals so that I don’t oversee the progress. I know that I have come a long way. Only myself and a very few other people really know how much I have to lose, but I do know I have made a tremendous start. After all I have lost 15.46% of my body weight!

Everyone asks me if I am feeling better now. They ask if my knee is hurting less etc. For the most part it doesn’t feel as if anything has changed. I know that seems weird but it’s just how I am feeling. My knee still hurts and my labs etc were all normal before.  I wasn’t having major health problems (yet) so it’s hard to say that I’m feeling “better” I know I am better though. I know that with each pound I am taking pressure off my knee. I know that as I continue to lose I am decreasing my risk of diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, and many other issues that luckily I didn’t have to face. So I guess I am feeling better in the sense that I still feel well health wise, and it’s going to continue to improve!

So things are going great. Slower than I would prefer but overall it’s been a good ride. It’s incredible to be having success, especially being able to do it on my own (with the love and support of family and friends of course) but basically by knowing who I am and making the personal changes that were within my power. As I continue to lose I will continue to make new changes. It’s a blessing to be able to eat healthier, smaller portions and really feel full. I really know now that I am capable of doing this.  I will continue down this road and not be disappointed in set backs, because I know that each one will push me to work harder and be smarter. I know that this is a race I started on my own and I know that I can reach the finish line. What an incredible feeling!