Internal Vs External Battles

 So I hope that this post comes across the way I want it to. I am hoping that I can show the intended balance of the good vs. the bad. I have a feeling that it may come across as a negative post, which is NOT my intention at all. What I want to write about, I actually already wrote most of it earlier today and am now going to type it here maybe edit some of it. But it's about my weight loss, which is a completely positive thing in my life. But sometimes even when we are having positive experiences there is always that little voice in the back of our mind that fills us with doubt. There is that voice that tells us we aren't worth what we are worth. It’s that little part of our subconscious fed by evil that doesn't want us to see the good. It’s that part of us that tells us to give up and quit that it isn't worth it anymore. It tells us that we're fine the way things are. It tells us that we can do bad and be happy or ...whatever the case may be. That is the idea that I want to write about. That battle within myself that as I am having success it's that small little voice that as things may have slowed down a bit is wanting me to stop when I don't plan to stop. It’s the battle I am having about my progress.... Anyway I hope this is a good enough introduction and that you can understand where I am coming from as you read it. I hope that it leaves you knowing that I am confident and happy with my progress. That I am continuing little by little, day by day. That I have not given up and don't intend to. This is a lifelong journey I have embarked on and I know there will be struggles so I am prepared to fight.

SO naturally everything for my weight loss started out quickly. I made a few small and simple changes and the weight started dropping off like crazy. In 6 weeks I had lost 19#, then the next 6 weeks I slowed down a little bit but had lost 11#. Then in the almost 4 weeks or so since that time it’s barely been 5#. I know that this is typical with weight loss. I knew that it would slow down, but it’s frustrating to have it happen. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I am not trying to complain. I am so proud of myself because I’ve lost 36#! That is an amazing accomplishment. It is an incredible amount of success and to my recollection is better that and success I had in the past. I was never this successful in either keeping with a program or in the amount of weight lost.

I’ve made some huge strides and am feeling great. Its just hard for the past month to have continued working so hard (if not harder) to keep up with the success, but yet I’ve had things slow down. I know that it’s not just about the number on the scale. It’s about health and about body size etc.  Yes I know that I have had to give away some clothing that was just too big to wear anymore. Yes I know that people have told me that they can tell I’ve lost weight. That they can see it, and yes there are days where I can see it too. The only thing I don’t see is that they tell me they can see it in my face. (I personally don’t recognize it in my face) But although I can see some of the physical changes (and feel it in my clothing) I can also see the number on the scale. I can see how high the number is. I can still see all that needs to go weight wise. My shape/stomach is still a lot rounder than I would like it to be.

I hated when the guys are work were weighing themselves the other day and I weigh more than the heaviest guy who was involved. … but not only do I weigh more than him, but I weigh more than  him and he was fully uniformed with all his gear and bullet proof vest etc. So without all his gear he weighs a lot less than what was shown on the scale.  It’s hard to look at some people and to know that the weight I have to lose is approximately what they weigh, that I basically need to lose an entire adult!  It’s overwhelming to think about sometimes. It is rewarding though to look at it and realize I am approximately 1/5^th of the way done. Yet then there is that internal conflict again telling me that it’s slowing down or stopping.

Now of course with any plateau they say to “mix it up” a bit. They say to change workouts, do more, go farther, workout longer etc. It is difficult to “mix it up” with my knee. It’s been acting up again. Even with just the walking and swimming, I am still having a lot of problems sometimes. So when even one of the simplest things are irritating it, it is hard to mix it up to something more, I really don’t have too many options.

I guess where its really frustrating is at my earlier weeks I had met and passed my first small goals I set. So for my next goal I had wanted to be down a total of 50# by my birthday. At the time when I made that goal I was averaging 3-4# per week of weight loss. At the time with what I needed to lose to make it to 50 by my birthday it brought that average needed down to about 2# per week (see I was looking ahead knowing things would slow down) But here I am now just a few weeks away from my birthday and still have 14# to go. It’s discouraging.

I know I will get there, and then I will make and get to my next goal. Maybe I won’t reach that goal by my birthday, maybe it will be the end of the month, or maybe early October. I am just annoyed that it slowed as much as it has. Of course there are always other factors to consider too, monthly feminine issues and weather changes with water retention etc. but is it too much to ask to still see some progress on the scale? I mean when you look at the long term and see the graphs it down slope down, some weeks steeper than others, and that’s great. But even the graph shows the slowing.

I really, really don’t want this to sound like I am complaining, or giving up because I am NOT. I’m just trying to express my feelings so they don’t bottle up and cause other problems. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past 16 or so weeks. I know I can resist donuts, and ice cream and the vending machine temptations at work. I know this because I have been resisting the temptations. This is the first time I’ve embarked on a weight loss journey where I really have stuck with it for this long. This is also the most success I have had so there is no way I am giving up now! (Too bad I started at a higher weight than any time in the past though…) I’ve worked far too hard to give up now. I have worked hard to make these changes and get where I am. This is about ME. I finally love myself enough to make myself a priority. I guess you can say that I am being selfish, but in a good way. I am focusing on myself, but not at the expense of others. I am still doing what I can, when I can to reach out and help others. I am just also looking out for myself.

I guess I wanted to write this as a reminder to my future self. It’s not always going to be easy. In fact it will probably get even harder after this. I am NOT a quitter. For once in my life I am thinking of me. Isn’t that what they say? That you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? I’d say that I am and always have been a happy person even being overweight. But maybe I didn’t love myself enough to care for myself properly until now.

So I’ve done difficult thins before. I’ve had trials and a weight loss plateau is just another trial. I’ll keep going and eventually it will “catch up” Eventually I won’t be embarrassed to say how much I weigh. (Barely anybody knows now, and to the one or two who do, thank you for keeping my secret) I just need to keep going. Keep pushing myself further and harder. Need to keep wearing my knee brace and not being afraid to take pain medicine when I need it to go on that walk or to do whatever it is I put my mind to do. Maybe I will find something else that isn’t too difficult, or too high impact.

So note to my future self… you’re going to look back on this post one day and think “wow, how trivial that time was” maybe I will be reading this thinking “I had no idea what was coming” So basically knowing that it may get harder before yet to lose weight. Especially knowing that the holidays are coming and there will be even more temptations. I know that I CAN and WILL get there. Someday I will be half the woman I am today. At that time I will look back at my current self as a fighter. Ill know that I was stronger than I may think I am.

There was a song that came on today on my Ipod when I had it on shuffle. It’s a Disney song (no surprise there really)  it’s called “Find Yourself” it is sung by Brad Paisley for the movie “Cars” here are some of the lyrics:

When you go through life
So sure of where you're headin'
And you wind up lost
And it's the best thing that could have happened
'Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

I think that I have been to that point this year in my life. Where I did get lost, thru that time it really did help me to find myself. It’s about time. I was getting pretty dusty there for a bit. Now that I have found myself and am taking care of me, it’s turning out great. Even if the change is slow, it is still a change in the right direction. That is what really matters. The ultimate goal is the downward direction slope on the chart. The part that matters are the smaller clothing and the happier, healthier me, no matter what the number on the scale says.