LIFE

LIFE

I never imagined I’d have all this doubt

Who said that this is what life is all about?

Many people are living their wildest dreams,

Some days, I just want to scream

I really feel I’m doing by best

But I have to wonder, will I pass “the test”

I give it my all

Winter, summer, spring and fall

When all is said and done

Will I be here, or want to run?

Sometimes in times of strife,

Traveling gravel on the road of life

I get to the fork, and turn to the right

And I wonder, is this the path of light?

I live everyday for having fun

Looking for the good in everyone

I know that this is my eternal role

But am I reaching my potential goal?

I plan to keep traveling

I’ll never stop trying

I know I’ll cross the finish line

Then eternity will be mine

I’ll live with my loved ones

In celestial glory, bright as the sun

So when I’m stuck on a bad road

I’ll do what I can to lighten my load

Reach out to my Father, up in heaven

A blessing I’ll get along with a lesson

He gives me the strength

When I put forth my hand he extends the length

I grow close to my Savior, it’s easy to do

In studying scriptures and praying too

So on my road of gravel and doubt

He shows me what life is really about

Sure there are trials and lessons to learn

Ill ignite my fire and feel the burn

It’s not up to me to do all alone

He’s leading me back to His glorious throne.

So with a smile I’ll start each new day

Head out the door and be on my way.

Looking far beyond the doubt

Discovering this IS what life is about!

Renee L Conaway

1/17/2013

Untouchable

I check your desk, when you may be there

You make me smile when you’re near

You’ve made me feel better about myself

Reminding me I’m not lost on the shelf

We’ve hugged and it makes me smile

So close, yet separated by a mile

You have such a big heart it’s unbelievable

You have a girlfriend so you’re untouchable

I don’t know what I’d do

If you were available too

I’d probably still wish and wonder

About the spell I’m under

When you told me I looked beautiful

The joy I felt was wonderful

You continue to surprise me

By reminding me who I can be

I yearn to be a better person

One who can be certain

The guy she loves will love her too

Too bad it’s not untouchable you

You give me compliments I don’t know how to take

I say thanks, and pinch myself to see if I’m awake

The little things you notice and mention,

It’s hard, because I’m not used to the attention

Someday I hope to find a guy like you

Someone who’s cute and full of kindness too

Someone who makes me see how life can be

Someone who notices the beauty hidden inside of me

I would never cross an untouchable line

Instead I will wait until my time

When someone like me, finds someone like you

Then he and I will be untouchable too

Renee L Conaway

1/3/2013

Christmas Letter 2012

Merry Christmas!                                                                                    December 2012

            Well another year has come and gone! It’s incredible how much can change in just one year! Last year at this time I was waiting on some news that didn’t come until Jan so I slacked on sending out Christmas wishes! Sorry for that! This year I am trying to get back on track (although a little late)

            I want to try and keep this year’s update a little shorter so I think I am going to do it a little different and break it down by month:

JAN: I received word that I passed my backgrounds and medical evaluations and was going to be hired by the Ca Highway Patrol as a Public Safety Dispatcher. I was scheduled to start in March.

FEB: I spent my last few weeks working for the County of Ventura, in the end of 2011 there had been a lot of changes made to the maintenance department where I was working and I was glad to be leaving. I quit giving myself a little more than 2 weeks off and spent some time with family and made a trip to Northern Ca and went fishing with my cousin in my time off. It was great. I also got to spend 24 hours straight at Disneyland for Leap Day! What a once in a lifetime experience. (they’d never allowed that before and I don’t know if they’ll do it again)

MAR: I started with CHP on the 14^th, I did all my new hire paperwork, a couple days of ride-alongs with officers then traveled to Sacramento for a 3 week training course. In Sacramento I stayed at the academy where the officers are trained. It was a unique experience and taught me a lot. It was “dorm-style” living and I enjoyed the break away from home.

APR: Easter Sunday was my first shift in the dispatch center and I answered a couple 911 calls. As it turned out my trainer was out sick that day with her son in the ER so I mostly sat around. My first month of training went well and I learned a lot and enjoyed it.

MAY: I got a new trainer, she seemed a lot more intense and I began to struggle some while training but I was hanging in there, studying a lot and working on improving where she felt I had issues.

JUN: I got a 3^rd trainer (they do that so that you get different perspectives and can learn to develop your own style while understanding different styles) With this trainer I felt I was really improving. I was starting to get perfect training scores and was really learning a lot. I was handling most of the calls on my own and my trainer taught me a lot. I continued studying in down time and was really gaining some level of comfort in what I was doing as a dispatcher.

During June I also got to spend a week in the Washington DC area visiting my friend Collin. It was great to get away and see the sites. I also got to visit with Sharon and her family while there! It was a great trip! I love the history in that area and only wish I had more time since there was a lot more I could’ve done but didn’t have time for. Oh and I wish I wasn’t there during a heat wave…. Bleh! Overall it was great though! (you can read more about it on my blog:  elegyrl.blogspot.com

JUL: At the end of June after my trip I spent a week working with the training supervisor since my trainer was on vacation when I got back. In the beginning of July I was assigned a new trainer. During that last week in June the training supervisor felt I was not quite where I needed to be for dispatch. So I was given a new trainer and was put on “remedial training” From the very first call I took my new trainer didn’t like anything I was doing. She was making change every log I made then telling me I was taking too long on my calls. I felt very uncomfortable working with her and when I approached supervisors about it they said that they couldn’t do much because I was struggling anyway and that “not everyone is cut out for the job”. That week was hard for me and at the end of the week they told me they were going to do a “Rejection During Probation” I was given the option to accept the RDP or to resign. I chose the RDP and was assigned to work clerical in the Moorpark office until it went thru. After that happened, I began to feel a sense of relief.

JUL/AUG/SEP Most of July, all of Aug and Sep I was working in Moorpark. I really enjoyed my time there and learned a lot. I also learned while I was there, that I wasn’t meant to work in the Ventura Dispatch Center. I’ve learned since that time that Ventura is known for not keeping their trainees. It’s sad really but I guess I just wasn’t a fit. It’s been tough and I wish it would’ve worked out but I have gained comfort in knowing that for some reason I wasn’t meant to be there. I made some great friends in Moorpark and during that time I didn’t feel a sense of urgency in finding a new job so I didn’t apply for many. Toward the end of that time a position opened up for an office assistant in the West Valley CHP office and I applied, interviewed and got the position. I took a “voluntary demotion” from dispatch to the office assistant position and now have been there 2.5 months.

OCT: In October an old friend of mine from High School Krissy messaged me about possibly renting a place together. I told her it was tough because I just took a demotion (and paycut) at work and I didn’t know if I could afford it. But we looked to see if we could find something we could budget for. We planned a Sat for her to come down so we could look and when she did we found a place! We moved in at the end of Oct. It’s small but it’s been nice. I have had to get some help from my family financially but I am hoping after Christmas when things settle down a little bit I won’t have to ask for as much help. It’s been nice to be out on my “own”

NOV: With having moved out and found a new job, although funds are tight I have/had a lot to be grateful for!

DEC: So far so good!

Overall with being able to be working and going to church, making new friends and spending time with family this has been a great year! I love you all and am thankful for so much in my life! My knee is still giving me problems but I am trying to do what I can anyway. I am not letting it force me to be lazy. I still have my Disneyland pass and although with working Dispatch at the beginning of the year I missed a few months, I still try to go regularly. I love it! Such a fun and peaceful atmosphere! Well I think that was my year in a nutshell! I’ve grown a lot this year and although I have struggled I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me, so I am looking forward to what 2013 has to bring! –maybe a husband?

Love you all so much

Thankful

I have so much to be thankful for. Not just because it's November and Thanksgiving is coming up. I think that it is important to always count our blessings. To regularly thank Heavenly Father for the things he has given us. But I really do feel blessed beyond measure lately. I haven't been completely wonderful and happy but so far I know that I am doing alright!

I got the keys for my new place on Oct 18th and although I was able to "move-in" at that time I wasn't packed and ready to go and without my roommate Krissy being here it also meant there were a few important items I would have been missing if I had, one being a refrigerator. I did start moving some stuff though. I emptied my items out of storage and put them into the garage. I also started moving smaller less needed items. I moved my games and then my DVDs. I brought over my extra blankets and sweaters (it was still hot anyway) and little stuff like that. Then when Krissy was going to be coming down I talked to my Bishop (who also happens to be my Home Teacher at church) and arranged for him and a few other guys to help me move. I had been sick and that didn't help much but it did mean since I wasn't able to go to work I could pack a little. Being sick I didn't have the energy to get a lot done but I was working on stuff.

We officially moved in on the 26th! Then on the 28th the landlord came over and we signed our lease and gave him the first month rent check for Nov! These past two weeks have been interesting. We've been unpacking boxes and getting things put away. Finding homes for places and getting adjusted to each other and this space! It's great and we both love it but we didn't seem to realize the lack of closets (other than in the bedrooms) there are a few closet doors we had seen but until we were here we didn't know they are where the furnace and water heater are. So we've been improvising. We still really do love it here and it's going well.

I love being "on my own" obviously I have a roommate but mostly it's nice to have a quiet place to come home to. It's nice not feeling the stress and contention I had at my parents house. It's great to be able to park in a garage and just chill out. I miss my dog Medic since he didn't move with us (he could've but with the stairs and since he is getting older after talking it over with my mom we decided it's better to leave him there. Plus here there is no yards, less running around space and my nephews would miss him too & a few other things) I do have my rabbit Simba and my turtle though. Krissy has her dog Lexie here. But even that's not the same as if Medic were here. I know I made the right decision in leaving him but tonight I was over there and he kept laying his head on my lap and stayed close to me. I know he misses me just as much as I miss him!

Only hard part is that my paycheck with my "voluntary demotion" was a lot less than i was expecting so money is going to be tight. In fact it already is but that is one of the things that I am thankful for. So far despite the tight reins on my funds I am doing ok for this month. My family is really looking out for me and I was able to sell some extra furniture etc. so i'm hanging in there. I think that although it'll still be tough in the next few months too it will be a little bit easier. Unlike this month when we had to go stock a fridge and purchase cleaning supplies, a living room lamp & etc. I can budget a little better my finances. I will be able to know how much I can and cannot spend or where I need to adjust so that I can. Life is going to be tricky that way but it's still such a blessing.

I also have two potential job opportunities coming up. I had an oral interview last week with Glendale Fire Dept and depending on how I was scored/ranked I hopefully will get a second Chief's interview and go into backgrounds. If not I also have a Glendale Police Dept interview this week and it's the same thing, depending on my score/rank I can go into a secondary interview and potentially backgrounds etc. If I get one of those positions I won't start until early next year sometime but it would be a blessing for sure. I would be making more than before my demotion and I know it would be a better situation. I also know already I would love what I would be doing. I would really love to get back into dispatch. I do like the West Valley CHP office and I have gotten so familiar with my job I keep finishing and getting caught up so that I am helping the other girls or just kinda there because I am bored. It's nice to feel competant! From what i've heard the girl who was there before me had been doing it so long and everything was disorganized and cluttered. They say she never really caught up but worked at her own pace and it kept her busy... I think that it's important to work hard and even in trying to slow down i still finish early several days a week it seems. I know that is a blessing. I am thankful that I have a job, but am still hopeful to advance. Although I will miss CHP if I leave! I also applied for a dispatcher job at the Ca Science Center. I called last week and they haven't scheduled interviews or anything yet, but potentially that could be more money than CHP too, and I think it would be fun to work there. To get to see things like the Space Shuttle Endeavor everyday at work and the travelling exhibits and stuff! That would be pretty cool I think! I could also commute via the metrolink and so I would be able to save money on gas, and wear and tear for my car! It would also mean alone time to read etc instead of driving in traffic and so I could utitlize the advantages of public transportation.

Anyway I know there is a lot more to be thankful for. I know that I am thankful for many, many blessings in my life and these are but a few. But I wanted to write them down! I have a gratitude journal that I was doing so well in writing in daily but have been slacking lately. It's nice to recognize everyday the things in our lives that come from Heavenly Father. I know that even when times are tough he is looking out for me! I have seen it in many ways lately!

Looking up and forward

AHHHHH!!! Believe it or not things are getting better! It's not going to be an easy road but I am finally on a road to somewhere happier and "healthier" I am MOVING OUT! My friend Krissy and I found a condo to rent yesterday and the Owner liked us so much that he encouraged us to get our applications in quickly so he could run the checks and get back to us yesterday. We did all that and have already given him a hold deposit! We have a move-in date of Nov 1st, but since it's already empty (there were a few things left in the garage but the guy was back yesterday afternoon so they may be gone now) he said once he gets it cleaned up we can get the keys early! Not only did we find a 2 bedroom with 2 full bathrooms, we also get a 2-car garage that has lots of shelving for storage! (now we won't have to get a place or build one at my parents house) We both can bring our dogs and I can also bring my bunny! There is a washer and dryer that is only used by us and one other unit. Water and trash is included (and we have our own water heater) so we only need to get water and gas. We also get direct TV (basic package) and free wifi! The best part is it's right at what we were hoping to spend. (less would've been nice, but it's where we set our initial limit for looking) and since most of the other places we looked at for the same price had less square footage and no garage, plus no inlcluded utilities we are saving money and getting more space!

It's an upstairs unit so that will be a little tricky with my knee but I think if I take it slow I should be good. Plus for the most part I am not in/out too much so if I run my errands after work I will only have to go up/down once a day for the most part (unless carrying groceries or something) So it will be nice. I get a bigger room than I am in now, and a bigger closet. Plus some of my shelving units can hopefully go into the living room so my bedroom will be less crowded!

Krissy has a lot of the household items we'll need for the kitchen and stuff so that helps too! We will obviously have to do an initial food run and stuff and get toilet paper, soap and stuff but once we do we will be good for awhile. (only 2 of us) I can't wait! Anyway sorry for such a short post but I need to get to bed!  I will post pictures later. I have some but I am thinking I would rather share once we get moved in and it's not just an open place!

Not myself

 I think it started with my birthday (and that poem) as I began to wonder about my life, where I am and where I thought I would be by now. Things keep changing and although I have been super blessed despite my trials I have been a little "depressed" lately. I don't feel like myself and I don't like feeling this way. 

I have been frustrated with a lot of things that are happening. My knee is getting worse and so trying to lose weight is a lot harder struggle right now. I lost my dispatch job and although I got a new positieon and get to stay CHP it came with a paycut and a new office where although I have been welcomed and meeting new people I feel "lonely" I know it has only been a few days but I don't feel like I fit in. Everyone really has been nice and helpful and I was able to "jump right in" in a sense and start working because I was familiar with most of what I am doing from my time in the Moorpark office. But I am doubting myself still. I have always loved all my jobs and been happy and I know that in time I will feel at home there as well and love it too but for now I feel out of place. 

Like I said I have been blessed though, I got this job, I have had a few other interviews (that I haven't heard back from yet) and I am in the process for Glendale Fire and Glendale Police both are dispatch positions which would be great. I would love to get into another dispatch center and I feel confident I would have better results than CHP. Since I have learned (after everything that has happened) that the Ventura CHP office is kinda known for not keeping new trainees! :( 

I just feel as if although some things are going well, that my family isn't being as supportive as they could be. I know that they probably don't mean things to come off that way but it does and it sucks. Maybe it is my own insecurities about things and with being so upset about things and my life lately anyway... when i was talking to my parents about a dispatcher-clerk position that I am super excited about that is at the Ca Science Center my Dad started telling me that it isn't safe for me to be in that neighborhood especially taking the train etc (it drops off .2 mi away so I wanted to do that) ... he didn't even let me finish talking about how it is better pay and how excited I was because I love the Science Center and their travelling exhibits that come thru. Besides they're about to get the space shuttle! How amazing would that be to work and see that everyday!?! 

So then tonight as I was talking about how I got the email that I passed the exam for the Glendale jobs and get to go to their "information sessions" and take a typing test (the next step for the positions) and my sister started saying how far it is to Glendale (it's not really) and I said "well then I will move" and she started saying how expensive it is there! That's when I lost it! I commuted to Glendale before when i worked at AMR! It wasn't too bad! I know what I am doing! In fact I have been commuting since that job and I started there in 2003! I am not a stranger to having to commute! UGH! 

So needless to say that didn't help me feel much better either! I am trying so hard to be thankful for my blessings and see what is good in my life right now but it seems like all the potential blessings are being shot down by my family who should be the most supportive! Last night I assembled a new shelf thing for my room and was trying to shift some things onto it instead of another shelf I was using that didn't really fit the space and I just sat on my bed and cried. I am so tired of being at home and needing more space! I had imagined being out by now since I was finally making more money and have been better budgeting etc. Things were going so well and I lost it all! So now I am just stuck in the same tiny room that feels like it is just getting smaller. I want some room to breathe! 

I have been getting headache and earache pretty much daily for the past week or so. I also did something to my finger. I don't know if I jammed it somehow while sleeping or what, at first when it was kind of sore I thought it would go away but it's been over a week now and so I am starting to wonder! i also feel less "social". i've just been wanting to lay in bed & do nothing.I think I am just worn out. I really need a change of scenery! I am just frustrated all around! I know that I will get back to being "me" but for now I am not sure where I am! I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go, but I do know that I am ready to be out on my own and unfortunately with the paycut I cannot do that yet! At least not in So California! 33 has always been my favorite number (I don't know why though) but so far my first week being 33 hasn't been a great one! ....  I guess I have 51 more weeks togo and hopefully they'll be better!  

Growing Older

Ok so my birthday was on Tues. I had a lot of fun and went to Disneyland with my sister and a couple friends. It was great (I love Disneyland so it's always great to be there) But although I was having a lot of fun I was thinking a lot about things. I am 33 now! It's a little crazy to me! I have always liked the #33 and now that is my age. It's kind of weird. But It also made me think a lot about my life, where I am now and where I thought I would be. Mostly growing up I thought a lot about things by the time I would be 35, which is creeping up quickly. Anyway after thinking about a few things throughout the day and then hanging out talking with my friend Angela after we had gotten home it made me think some more. I came home and wrote a few lines of a poem. Then I got kind of stuck. But I know from past poems that sometimes I will be stuck for quite a while so I decided to share what I have so far. It will likely be a "to be continued" down the road. If I can finish it down the road I will re-post it in it's entirety.


Growing Older

Growing older, how can it be?
My life is so different from what I envisioned for me.
I thought about family, pets and a home.
I never thought by now I would still be alone.
I'm blessed with a job, church and great friends.
So I know this isn't how my story ends.
Sometimes I wonder have I lived just right?
When will things change, if not tonight?
All that I've hoped for, my wishes and dreams.
I feel like their stitches are ripped at the seams.
I want to keep trying to give it my all.
Put me in coach, hand me that ball,
For I know there is more to this life,
I just need to look past the heartache & strife.

....
to be cont'd

Drawing on the past

I didn't have a great day today... I have been trying not to argue with my Dad and up until today I have been doing alright. But sometimes I just can't keep it all in... today was one of those days. So then I cried... a lot. I put on some headphones, turned up my ipod really loud and just "ignored" the world around me for a bit. I took care of a few other needs and then was supposed to go to a party. But by that time I was exhausted and didn't feel well so I stayed home napping instead. But now as I was getting ready for bed I was remembering a post I wrote awhile ago (Jan 2010 to be precise) I remembered thinking about my Heavenly Father and how I know that I am a Child of God. Nobody can take that away from me!  I love my parents and I love my Dad but sometimes lately it feels impossible to live with him anymore. I wish things could be different and I have tried to talk to him, I have written poetry about it, and I have even written him a letter directly and yet it seems like I am the only one trying sometimes. But at the same time it also seems like while I am trying to serve him and love him and trying not to fight with him, it feels as if the more I try to make things better the more he strives to get on my nerves. I know that doesn't make sense and maybe you know my Dad and think he wouldn't do that... but you should see the way he is behind closed doors. It is a completely different person then when anybody else is around. When others are here he acts all angelic and even plays the role of a victim. Acts as if we are soo mean to him and picking on him etc. but in general it's the other way around and then some!

Anyway here is a little tidbit of that post from a few years ago. I had been sick and not feeling well. Was out of work at the time, completely broke and in debt. I was going through some major struggles. The night before at church I had gotten a Priesthood blessing from a couple of the guys I knew. If you'd like to look at the complete post you can look it up, it was in Jan 2010 titled "Hugs from a Father"

So I have these giant coloring books that I got from Costco awhile ago. I have 2 different Disney ones (one is Ariel, and one is Princess') and I also have some giant Toy Story coloring sheets from Target. I used to also have a Disney Cars book but I gave it to a friend for her son. So I wanted to color. I knew it was something that was kinda simple and relaxing and it seemed like a good night for coloring. I kinda flipped through a couple pages and stopped on a page with a picture of King Triton and Ariel. They were hugging. Underneath the picture it says " Loving arms are the best things to have around you".

....sorry for the lame-o coloring job I did~

As I was beginning to color this picture I kind of thought to myself "I wish I had this kind of relationship with my dad the kind where I hug him like this with a huge smile on my face and just know that I am loved." Than another thought occurred to me, "I don't have that with my earthly father, but I do have it with my Father in Heaven. I obviously don't get to physically hug him but I do feel his warmth. I do get the feeling of arms around me in times of prayer and at church and even during the blessing I had just received a few hours before. It was as if a light was turned on. I have known that I am a child of God but occasionally I think we all tend to forget it from time to time. This was one of the moments where I was gently reminded! Silly as it sounds that a coloring page would remind me. but that coloring page held a lot of meaning for me last night!

The most interesting part of it all is my institute class this semester is about "Doctrines of the Gospel" and yesterday as I was doing the reading for class for this week (today and thurs) the lesson this week is about Revelation. So yesterday I was reading scriptures about forms of revelation. How it comes from the Spirit, or a vision, or from dreams. How it can come from other sources and I guess for me yesterday I had a brief lesson of revelation through coloring. It is amazing how much our Heavenly Father loves us! I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have that I can return to live with him someday if I live worthily. I am so excited for my institute class for the strength it is giving me to go and do. To continue to study the scriptures. I love all that I am learning! I cannot believe in March it has been 10 years since I was baptized! I have learned even though it seems that some of my trials keep getting harder each year I am still strengthened. I am still gaining faith and my testimony becomes stronger! What a great blessing that is to me! I know I can do anything because the Lord is on MY side! I know that I will find a job and will be able to take care of myself and my financial responsibilities. I know that I will get married and be sealed for time and all eternity in the Temple and I know that I will be a mom someday! I can't wait for that time!
So despite the trials and tribulations life is good! I am happy! I am going to try and get back on track with my blogging too! :-)

The Hot Pink Pearl

Ok so way back when I wrote a blog about my wheelchair. I had gotten a great deal on a really nice wheelchair. Then I gave it some personalization and upgrades. (see that blog HERE if you'd like.) I also added after that posting a Pirate flag to the front of the seat as well as my mom and I made a bag that would hang on the back of the chair so I could put stuff in it. I also created a cup holder above the bag so that I would have something to hold my drink as well as the drink of any person who might be with and/or pushing me. Here are the pictures of the additions. Also I didn't update that blog but as it turns out the color of the wheels match the color that they painted the gates outside CA Adventure when they re-did it. At the time that I painted my chair the entrance to CA Adv. was blocked off so I had no idea what they were doing or what color they were using. Pretty cool! I also later eventually got some footrests for that chair. So it was perfect. I had a fun colored wheelchair with a nice bag, drink holders and finally footrests. I hate that I cannot stand to walk that long, but if I am going to sit in a chair I would prefer to do so in style. Thus I "pimped my wheelchair" I really miss the days when I could walk around Disneyland or anywhere else for more than a few hours without pain! I miss hiking and all kinds of other activities I cannot handle now. I miss being at the park and talking with whoever I am with because I have learned that when you're with more than one other person and you're in a chair you tend to get ignored a little because they're both standing making eye contact and talking while you're below them and in front of them so you're forgotten a little. I really wish I had never messed up my knee! But I know I have grown thru this trial especially after 3 knee surgeries!

 Flash forward to the past few weeks. I am on a group on Facebook that is called Simi Goods Exchange. It is similar to Craigslist where people are buying and selling items. But it is primarily people who live in Simi valley and since it's through people who know each other on FB it's not open to as many people so it's slightly safer. The group was started by my neighbor. Now of course I have spent more than I have sold, but I have gotten some cool stuff at really good prices. So I cannot complain too much (except for the fact that i am spending money) Anyway someone awhile back had posted a wheelchair. It's a simple model was all black and not as fancy as my chair. But it is a little bit bigger. Now obviously I fit in my chair but it is a little snug as it isn't a typical standard size chair. I checked how much she wanted for it, thinking that if I bought it I could tranfer my wheels and flag and then sell my other one on Craigslist or somewhere and get my money back maybe plus some profit (since my wheelchair is fancier and worth more) but she wanted $75. I didn't really want to pay that much and I didn't want to low-ball her an offer knowing that I would most likely sell mine for more than that. Well then at least a few weeks go by. My sister Denise gave us her old couches as she was getting some newer ones from her in-laws. Now my mom didn't really need the recliner she was using anymore. It was electric and I bought it prob close to a year ago from craigslist for like $40. I posted it on Simi Goods for $25. As it turns out the girl who wanted to buy it was the one who had been selling the wheelchair. She hadn't really gotten any other interest in it and asked me if I would be willing to trade the recliner for the WC. I said sure. So we traded.

So now I have 2 WC's. The second WC does have a bigger seat and although it's not as fancy as my first one I didn't really need all the fancy features on the other chair anyway. I put the 2nd chair in the garage knowing that I didn't really have time to do much to it, plus Deann still had my other chair in her trunk anyway. ... well last week I got my chair from D's trunk and decided to start transferring stuff. I took off my Pirate flag and had put it onto the back of the new chair. It didn't really fit the way it did on the first chair. :-( So then I took off one wheel from each chair to exchange them. The wheels were the same size, everything looked good so I started to switch them..... I ran into a problem.... UGH

As it turned out although the wheels are the same size, the bolts holding the wheels onto the frame as well as the bearing in the wheel itself were different sizes. So I thought about getting new bolts in the alternating sizes so that I could still exchange the wheels but realized that may not work right. One needed longer fatter bolts, and the other needed shorter skinnier bolts. So although I knew I could probably get new bolts in the same sizes with the alternating lengths from what I needed they may not work right. Because now the chair that initially had the larger bolts, the bolt would sit loose in the frame (although it would fit right in the bearing) and that may cause problems while going. Then the one with the larger bearings with the smaller bolt to fit the frame, the bolt would be loose in the chair/bearing....again possibly causing problems.  (If this paragraph doesn't make sense I am sorry, ignore it and move on...basically I couldn't change the wheels because of the bolts)

So now I knew I needed to leave things the way they were, my pirate flag didn't fit and the wheels were not switchable. I knew I wanted to go ahead and keep the larger sized chair but now it was going to be boring. I knew it wasn't too hard to paint the wheels and that It was only like $10 for the paint so I figured I would pimp my new chair now instead. I could still sell the initial chair I would just have to post it with the green wheels. I liked my green wheels especially since I unknowingly painted them the same color as the entrance gates. But I thought if I was going to do a new chair maybe I should change it up a bit. I started thinking about things and thought maybe Hot Pink was the way to go. .... I know they do a lot of "party" type stuff in the parks (especially CA Adv) involving black lights and so with Flourescent Colors my wheels would "glow" :-) That decision was made! I went to Lowe's and bought some spray paint! Woohoo!

I thought about adding some fabric around my pirate flag so that it would fit properly on the seat back. I was also thinking I needed to try and tie in the color of my bag (I have more of that fabric) along with some new fabric so that the wheels would coordinate with the seat and the bag somehow. I found a fabric in the garage (in our stockpile) that I liked and would work. I laid it on the seat and seat back and left it there a bit. After awhile I decided it was too busy of a print and wouldn't work to my liking. I thought maybe I could find something else pirate-y to coordinate with my flag so that i could still use the flag somehow. I got online and looked up Joanns. I searched fabric for "pirate" and found a fabric called "hair bow pirate"

Hair Bow Pirate is a repeating pattern of the skull & crossbones and periodically a skull has a pink hair bow on it's head! I loved it the moment I saw it! I knew the pirates would work and the pink would match the wheels! So on Mon during my lunch break I went and bought 2 yards! Monday night I created a seat cover for the chair. It is removable with a zipper in the back. (part of why I needed to do a seat cover was the seat fabric was slightly faded) Then last night I did a cover for the seat back. The seat back is done differently and basically slips over the top and the handlbars so it comes down just a little on the top of the seat back. Then it drops down behind the seat and I brought up the bottom just a little and it wraps around the bottom of the seat back. So it too is removable for washing etc if needed.

I may take the pirate flag and some of the leftover hair bow fabric and wrap part of the bag for the back of the chair. I am not sure yet. I don't want to make it too busy... But I do want it to coordinate. So we will see. Or I may take just the hair bow fabric and cover just the top of the bag. ... I haven't done anything yet. I think I like the idea of just the top of the bag because it is kind of a lot. Prior to beginning any work on my chair I was on FB chatting with my friend Jen who is currently living in FL. I told her about my ideas with painting the wheels hot pink  and she said she was going to name my chair Hot Pink Pearl. I am not one who usually names my cars etc. but once I found the hair bow pirate fabric and worked on my chair expecially once I got the wheels on and saw just how Hot Pink they are... I decided it really FITS! So my new chair is the Hot Pink Pearl! I cannot wait for my next Disneyland trip and it's maiden voyage!

Dreaming, wishing and hoping

Wishing, hoping, dreaming. I think that we all have our expectations in life. We grow up with fairy tales (especially the girls) about “wishing on a star” or other things. We all think of ourselves as a Princess and wait for our Prince Charming. Maybe we are expecting a knight in shining armor or some other form of perfect man… But today I kind of have felt as if maybe I need to let some of my dreams take a back burner. Maybe some of my hopes are not what they should be. Am I wishing for something that isn’t really there? I don’t want to go into too many details but I just have begun to realize one dream that is maybe a little too far-fetched, or it seems like it right now. I guess I have held onto a hope that I am beginning to wonder if it’s worth holding onto.

There are many Disney songs (again with the Princess’) they tell us “When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. When you wish upon a star your dreams come true” Or there is Snow White who sings

“I'm wishing (I'm wishing)
For the one I love
To find me (to find me)
Today (today)
I'm hoping (I'm hoping)
And I'm dreaming of
The nice things (the nice things)
He'll say”

Princess Aurora in Sleeping Beauty sings:

“I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream”

 during this song she meets Prince Phillip walking in the forest and they sing together

I think of Jasmine and Aladdin singing  “A Whole New World. Shining shimmering splendid” and I love when in Beauty and the Beast as they start to really see who each other are inside and begin to fall in love and Mrs Potts starts to sing “There may be something there that wasn’t there before” and little Chip just doesn’t understand “what’s there mama?” Or Belle as she singsNew, and a bit alarming, Who'd have ever thought that this could be. True that he's no Prince Charming, but there's something in him that I simply didn't see. " or in the street as she sings about her book “Oh, isn't this amazing?

                It's my fav'rite part because you'll see

                Here's where she meets Prince Charming

                But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three 

(Belle is really my favorite Princess)

I think they are great messages. Messages of love and hope and of great things to come. But then there are people who aren’t meant to find “true love” who maybe won’t meet their “Prince Charming” in this life. What if I am one of those people? Maybe I am not meant to get married and have a family? What if I am destined just to be the favorite Aunt? I don’t think that is the case, but from time to time (days like today) I start to wonder.

I begin to think of all my faults, and I look at my life and wonder when things are going to change? What will I be doing when my life changes in the Love department? Will I be reading a book in the “town square” Days like today I begin to think less of the dreams of love and I start feeling like I am with the Goonies at the bottom of the well, when Mouth says “Yeah, but you know what? [holds up a coin] This one, this one right here... this was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back”

I know I shouldn’t let things get to me, afterall just over a week ago I was feeling like a celebrity because the In N Out guy gave me extra fries. But then today I am starting to feel as if I will never get another date or get married. I am not sure why my emotions go to such extremes. I guess what they say is somewhat true. That Disney can give us “Princesses” too high of an expectation, and the truth is I don’t even see myself as a Princess.  I am not expecting to be walking through the forest singing and have some Prince come up behind me singing as well. I don’t think I will find my fairy Godmother who will rescue me and send me to the ball. But I would like a guy to surprise me and “sweep me off my feet”—figuratively. I guess I was just expecting it to happen by now and so today has become one of those days where I doubt myself.

I guess today I am feeling a lot like Sally in the Nightmare Before Christmas (although she isn’t considered a Disney Princess), her song is one of my favorites:

I sense there's something in the wind
That seems like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

I can realate especially to this part:
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And in the final chorus:
And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one

Today I guess I started to feel as if “I am not the one”

Maybe I need to keep thinking of Cinderella… I need to remember to keep believing, afterall:

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true