Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Not myself

 I think it started with my birthday (and that poem) as I began to wonder about my life, where I am and where I thought I would be by now. Things keep changing and although I have been super blessed despite my trials I have been a little "depressed" lately. I don't feel like myself and I don't like feeling this way. 

I have been frustrated with a lot of things that are happening. My knee is getting worse and so trying to lose weight is a lot harder struggle right now. I lost my dispatch job and although I got a new positieon and get to stay CHP it came with a paycut and a new office where although I have been welcomed and meeting new people I feel "lonely" I know it has only been a few days but I don't feel like I fit in. Everyone really has been nice and helpful and I was able to "jump right in" in a sense and start working because I was familiar with most of what I am doing from my time in the Moorpark office. But I am doubting myself still. I have always loved all my jobs and been happy and I know that in time I will feel at home there as well and love it too but for now I feel out of place. 

Like I said I have been blessed though, I got this job, I have had a few other interviews (that I haven't heard back from yet) and I am in the process for Glendale Fire and Glendale Police both are dispatch positions which would be great. I would love to get into another dispatch center and I feel confident I would have better results than CHP. Since I have learned (after everything that has happened) that the Ventura CHP office is kinda known for not keeping new trainees! :( 

I just feel as if although some things are going well, that my family isn't being as supportive as they could be. I know that they probably don't mean things to come off that way but it does and it sucks. Maybe it is my own insecurities about things and with being so upset about things and my life lately anyway... when i was talking to my parents about a dispatcher-clerk position that I am super excited about that is at the Ca Science Center my Dad started telling me that it isn't safe for me to be in that neighborhood especially taking the train etc (it drops off .2 mi away so I wanted to do that) ... he didn't even let me finish talking about how it is better pay and how excited I was because I love the Science Center and their travelling exhibits that come thru. Besides they're about to get the space shuttle! How amazing would that be to work and see that everyday!?! 

So then tonight as I was talking about how I got the email that I passed the exam for the Glendale jobs and get to go to their "information sessions" and take a typing test (the next step for the positions) and my sister started saying how far it is to Glendale (it's not really) and I said "well then I will move" and she started saying how expensive it is there! That's when I lost it! I commuted to Glendale before when i worked at AMR! It wasn't too bad! I know what I am doing! In fact I have been commuting since that job and I started there in 2003! I am not a stranger to having to commute! UGH! 

So needless to say that didn't help me feel much better either! I am trying so hard to be thankful for my blessings and see what is good in my life right now but it seems like all the potential blessings are being shot down by my family who should be the most supportive! Last night I assembled a new shelf thing for my room and was trying to shift some things onto it instead of another shelf I was using that didn't really fit the space and I just sat on my bed and cried. I am so tired of being at home and needing more space! I had imagined being out by now since I was finally making more money and have been better budgeting etc. Things were going so well and I lost it all! So now I am just stuck in the same tiny room that feels like it is just getting smaller. I want some room to breathe! 

I have been getting headache and earache pretty much daily for the past week or so. I also did something to my finger. I don't know if I jammed it somehow while sleeping or what, at first when it was kind of sore I thought it would go away but it's been over a week now and so I am starting to wonder! i also feel less "social". i've just been wanting to lay in bed & do nothing.I think I am just worn out. I really need a change of scenery! I am just frustrated all around! I know that I will get back to being "me" but for now I am not sure where I am! I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go, but I do know that I am ready to be out on my own and unfortunately with the paycut I cannot do that yet! At least not in So California! 33 has always been my favorite number (I don't know why though) but so far my first week being 33 hasn't been a great one! ....  I guess I have 51 more weeks togo and hopefully they'll be better!  


  1. Dear Renee,
    I love you! You are so amazingly fabulous!!! You are so good and I want to be like you. You have been through a lot and I can understand feeling a little depressed. We all feel that way from time to time. We will keep you in our prayers that you get one of these other job opportunities. We would love to see you some time when you aren't too busy. Want to come for dinner. I miss you and all of your spunkiness and your amazing glowiness (if that is a word). Angela Zeman

  2. That all sounds very frustrating. I'm sure it doesn't help that you have a slacker twinkie who hasn't written to you in forever. :o(

    It'll get better. Hang in there. The things that help me most are scriptures, prayer, and temple service.

    Sorry it's so hard right now. Depression is the worst. :o(