Sunday, August 31, 2008

Room to Breathe

** Ok so in case you don't know... DL stands for Disneyland.

So awhile ago I had won 4 tickets from the radio for DL. I had some friends I knew wanted to go so I promised them a ticket.So I had 4 tickets. Of my tickets one was promised to Justin, one I ended up using one when Sharon came out and one for my Mom at the same time. Then after we went my mom won 4 tickets. SO I still had two (the one for Justin and one extra) then at church one day while talking to some friends one of the girls was saying she wanted to go to DL but unlike the others in the conversation she didn't have an annual pass. So I gave her a ticket. We went in a group of 4 girls and had fun before Renee moved to Utah. I still had Justin's ticket and back in July he was coming out for a visit. We set a date to go and everything. Well on his drive here from Idaho his car broke down. He didn't make it to CA that week. In the meanwhile shortly after we had gone with Sharon and stuff my Mom won tickets of her own so she had 4 tickets. so for awhile now she has been considering who to take and when to go etc. Finally she decided she wanted to go with us. My little sister and myself both have a pass so her and Rhonda and Denise would need tickets and she had one more. She invited her sister (my aunt Linda) to join. But the problem was picking a date to go. My nephews would both be free because they are under 3 years old. If we went on a weekday because school just started Denise wouldn't be able to go, and Rhonda would need the day off from a job she just started. The only day my aunt could go would be a fri or sat because of her work schedule but if we went on Fri she would be super tired and not have gotten any sleep since shes on the night shift. So we were aiming for a Sat. Deann had her gallbladder removed on the 14th. SO a few weeks ago I told my mom "why don't we go on your birthday on the 30th, its a Sat so Rhonda, Denise and Aunt Linda all are already available, its 2 weeks after Deann's surgery so she should be moving around better to tolerate it and its before I am scheduled to return to work." SO that became the plan. But then as it turns out because its the holiday weekend Deann and I both had blackout days on our passes.

Well the tickets my Mom and I both had were to expire on the 15th of Sept. SO we needed to use them. I got ahold of Justin to see if he knew when he would be rescheduling his trip yet, but he said unfortunately with work, and just starting school he didn't think he would be able to make it to CA. But he let me know Matt was coming. Well last year I had promised Matt and another friend Peter both tickets when I had won them before. But neither had made it in time either. So I talked to Matt and he was coming to CA but didn't think he had time in his visit for DL. SO I ended up using my ticket and Deann got a blackout day ticket for the park. It all worked out and we all went to DL yesterday! Woohoo................

My knee was hurting before we even left in the morning. I had already planned on renting a wheelchair, but now I knew for sure I would need one. We got out of the house later than planned and so the disagreements began. Rhonda and I had been fighting last weekend. But then I left and went fishing. I was thinking the fact that we didn't see each other for 4 days would be a good way for us both to chill out and settle down a bit. Well from the time I got back she was still giving me an attitude. She would walk across the room and ask my mom to hold my nephew when she went to make a bottle, when I was sitting right next to her and stuff like that. She barely said two words to me once I was home. Anything she did say or do was done with attitude! It was frustrating! I thought we were older and wiser. But apparently only one of us has grown up in life. So I prayed for strength and comfort and to be able to keep my temper under control. I prayed that we would be able to go to DL and have fun and be loving and less contentious. Well I did pretty well but my sister continued to give me an attitude and stuff. It really upset me. Nobody would listen to what I had to say about which rides we should go to or how we got in line and stuff when they would ask me the questions nobody seemed to care about the responses. So I was in pain, trying to keep my temper in check, and felt like I was being ignored. It was hard and I was getting more and more frustrated as the day went on. It was really hard. Then it seemed like they were being kind of hypocritical. I wanted to go into my favorite store since we were right there and look around and my mom said something about we could come back after going to CA adventure. But then when I was done and we were going to CA Adv. they all stopped in a different store! UGH!! Then they stopped to get pineapple ice cream. SO I was getting pretty upset. But instead of saying anything or arguing I bit my tongue and was crying. So that was that. It pretty much continued like this for most of the day.

Another thing that kinda upset me was my aunt made a comment while we were waiting in the wheelchair line for Splash mountain about "cheating" because I said I was trying to get into the line before the other wheelchairs. I questioned her about how is that cheating trying to get in front of other in line and she said something about using a wheelchair! It felt like to me she was accusing me of not needing the wheelchair at all! Luckily for me Denise heard the conversation and stood up for me before I even had the chance to retaliate. She told my aunt that I couldn't walk the park that I was crying in pain before we had even left the house. This was especially upsetting because this week while I was up north I went to visit with my aunt Barbara a little while and she commented to me about how my knee must not be hurting much because I walked down the stairs too easily at her house. I had gone down her front steps a little too fast because they were smaller steps so I wasn't thinking and I actually did irritate my knee when I went down them but I didn't express it outwardly. Then because she asked me to I went with her to the store and while we were there she was lecturing me about how I should stay off my knee and stuff and I told her that I could sit at home on the couch just as easily as on the fishing boat and she said "what about now?" I wanted to say "you are the one who brought me to the store, otherwise I would be off of it!" but I didn't say it!

So twice this week by my own family I felt like I was being judged and as if I was faking it! Its really hard for me to think they think that of me! I am not that kind of person! I want my knee to be better and at to be working more than anything else in the world right now and it scares me to death that I cannot be there! I get my first injection on Weds afternoon and I am supposed to be returning to work next week and unfortunatly I am going to have to tell them that its getting worse and that I won't be able to return yet so I need another note. Unless the injection is a mircale drug and I am better in 5 days from the first shot! But I have a feeling it isn't going to work that way!

Well I am not sure what else I can say. I did have some fun at DL but not as much as usually when I am with friends and not being treated like a nobody. When I am not judged for my disability and when people are talking to me like a human and not treating me like a piece of dirt on their shoe! I wish things were different and I am only one person so I cannot change the world but I am sure going to try and be more positive! I am going to try and pull through. I have this song on a Reba CD that I have been listening to. its called "Room to Breathe" its geared more towards a boyfriend or significant other but I really think the chorus applies to how I feel right now.
Here is the complete song lyrics:

You ain’t done nothing wrong
But I think we need to talk
You might be the one but before we go too far
I need a little time, to figure out my heart
Who could ask for more
But I need to know for sure
I haven’t been myself from the minute that we met
I ran into your world and kinda walked out on myself
All those dreams I had I begin to second guess
For you
One too many questions
Until I know the truth
I need Room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don’t lose me
I need room to breathe
I know you’re not to blame
And I swear there’s no one new
This has to do with me
And not a thing to do with you
So don’t try to understand
You don’t have a thing to prove to me
If you really love me
Just give me what I need
Room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don’t lose me
I need room to breathe
Please don’t take this wrong
and please don’t turn away I just don’t
Want to look back one day and say
I need room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don’t lose me
I need room to breathe
Room to breathe


  1. I wish I could just give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be okay! I really do. Maybe the injection WILL be a miracle drug. Who knows? That'd be great.

    You are doing a wonderful job of persevering, elegyrl. Honestly you are. Thanks for being such a good example to me.

  2. If you need a "couch" to come hang out on, come over to my house!