Saturday, November 8, 2008

I Just Wanna Cry Sometimes

Ok so sometimes I just wanna cry! I am dealing with my stresses of life. I feel like sometimes things feel harder than they are and it makes it harder than it seems it should be. I consistantly feel frustrated because of the knee injury. Sometimes I think that maybe it is getting a little better because I am not taking pain pills as much than I do something like squat down to get a dish out of the lower cabinet (or put one in) and I feel a twinge of pain again. Its been several months since I have been able to actually kneel and pray (I usually just stand and sort of half kneel against my bed) and I know it seems like a trivial thing but I wish I could kneel to pray. I don't know that people really understand how much the little things mean the most. I miss being active. I miss being able to go hiking or walk on the sand at the beach. I miss chasing my nephew around the house like my sister does. When she stops or isn't here, he wants me to chase him and I can't! I miss being able to take the stairs instead of the elevator. Often times at the hospital (when we didn't have a patient) I would go up or down the 4 or 5 flights of stairs while my partner took the elevator with the gurney.

Usually every fast Sunday I get up to bear my testimony. People would always comment on how it would be hard to beat me to the stand, this past Sunday everyone giggled because as I was getting my crutches to walk up someone else kinda sped-walked past me. I didn't mind. I really don't know how it happened that I ended up with such a reputation of being first to go, but I love to bear my testimony. I know how it strengthens it for me. I know that it is part of what is helping me through this trial.

It seems lately that my family has been making a lot of comments on how I should go for a bike ride, or get a trailer for my bike... maybe it wasn't intentional but it hurts. I want to ride my bike. A year ago I was riding my bike 3-5 times a week after work. It was a nice cardio workout and at the same time gave me a good chance to rejuvenate. It was a nice time by myself to think and just be alone. I was riding like 15 miles a night, from one end of town to the other and back home again! It was a time I wont soon forget! It was an amazing time!

Then the weight stuff.... I am trying to watch what I am eating. I am buying healthier snacks and stuff to have around so that I won't munch on crap. But then some of it need refridgeration and my family is getting mad that I put my name on it so they wont eat it (they do anyway so I don't know why I try) but then they don't hold themselves accountable for eating anything, especially my stuff. I don't think it is fair that they make comments to me about my weight (when we all need to lose) but then get mad at me for doing what I can for myself. Maybe if they were being more accountable for their own decisions and food intake I wouldn't mind sharing as much. Anyways tonight I just needed to vent a little! I know that I will overcome this trial! I don't know how long it is going to take but I hope it gets better soon! Or if I can at least figure out what lessons I need to learn from it so I can make sure I am learning something! I don't know maybe that would help somehow! Thanks for reminding me from comments on previous blogs that I do have the love and support I need. I know I have support at home, but sometimes it comes in odd ways and can be a little sporatic!

Oh and I almost forgot.... a little good news amidst the crazy! I saw Dr Davis this week, he still thinks it may be my MCL aggravating me. He wants to do another injection (which at first made me think "oh no not again" but what he said he wants to do this time is when I go into the office for the injection they will numb the MCL and have me wait in the office for some time and see if it gives me any relief. From that they can kind of verify that it is in fact the MCL causing the problems and from there we can determine a treatment plan. The injection could work long term but I don't know, otherwise I don't know what my options are, but at least he listens to me and he knows I am frustrated with it all. He knows I am trying to lose weight, He knows what I do for a living and that I am an active person and really want to return to that! So hopefully soon my insurance authorization for the injection will come! :) Woohoo, I just hope that if I am going to need another surgery I can get it before the end of the year so that I don't have to pay my insurance deductible again next year!


  1. Hey, with all the crazyness that is going on in your life, don't let the stresses get to you, I know its better said than done, but try. Your doing great and keep up the good work! I love you! And you have friends that care about you! Know that you are one amazing person who deserves the VERY VERY BEST! Love ya and take care! Stay strong! Your such an amazing example to me!! =)

  2. You are doing a good job, elegyrl. Don't give up! You can do it! Your knee will heal sometime and you will be back on your feet and it'll be great!