A little Break

It wasn't intentional but for the past nearly two weeks I have been on blogging hiatus! I don't know why writing or reading blogs has slipped my mind but it did! But now I am back and blogging strong!!! So a little update on my life in recent weeks! My sister moved out at the beginning of the month. So I have moved into the bigger bedroom. It was a task I was not prepared for (and kinda didn't want to do because of the work involved) but I have done it and am actually glad I did! It really does make a difference and in the middle of the move I re-organized several things and went thru a lot of junk I didn't need to keep anymore. I shred a lot of papers and so I am glad now. I finally have my pictures on the walls and lights to see by. I did have a slight setback for a couple days where after I got moved in I set up some Nightmare Before Christmas lights I have and I hung them and plugged them into the wall for the lightswitch. In my old room there was a ceiling fan with a light in it and my lamp is so bright that I decided this was good for simple lighting situations. Well the next day the switch went out! UGH so a few days later I managed to get to walmart and buy a new switch that my dad helped me to install. So I have my lights again. The only thing that I haven't done is put pictures on my photo board and mirror (they are the kinds with the wood and the fabric fronts with the ribbons to slide pictures into) I figured many of those pictures were several years old and so I would like to slowly update them with newer pictures!

I am unfortunately still out of work. It is frustrating and is very hard to be at home so much but I have decided that for sure I am going to look for a dispatcher position elsewhere. This way as I continue to heal (hopefully...some days seem really good, others seem realyl bad) I can work ina desk type job so that I won't reinjure it soon! I had picked up an application about a month ago but have not yet turned it in. It is now filled out and ready to go but I need to attach a current type test certificate showing I can type more than 35 wpm. In the past I have tested in the high 40's and low 50's so I am thinking I should be able to manage that. Part of my delay other than really missing the ambulance was that I wanted to speak to my work and let them know that I am looking and that it isn't because I don't want to return there but because I don't want to return unhealed adn that I don't want to continue to be out of work. So last week I finally made it to work for a visit and was able to talk to who I needed to. They understood! That made me happy and having been there for an hour or so it felt like a new place. It didn't seem like the same environment I left from when I was working. There are a lot of new faces and overall it didn't have the same joyous feeling I remember, the feelings I miss! So that makes it feel right. That I do need a change of scene in my life. That maybe I willl enjoy dispatch after all! I know that the nearly double salary of what I make as an EMT will definately be easier to accept! I do think that eventually I would like to return to an ambulance someday! I have learned a lot by treating others. I love the feeling that I can make a difference in the life of someone else. I loved taking war veterans and other elderly patients who have so much knowledge and experiance they are willing to share! I just loved my job. I didn't necessarily love cleaning up vomit or other bodily fluids within my ambulance but I love making a difference. I love saving lives! It was a rewarding job and a great learning experiance for me! Life on an ambulance was good living!

Well yesterday I went to one of my other homes..... Disneyland! It was amazing. The weather forcast was for thundershowers but we barely got sprinkled on! It wasn't too crowded in the park and I was with a great friend and her mom! We had a blast! We got to ride all we wanted to ride and see some of the shows. We went to the "Turtle Talk with Crush" (I recommend it, it is WAY CUTE) and crush talked to me...he called me Radical Renee! It was fun! And I got a picture with Handy Manny! I know he is a character from a childrens show but being with my nephews so much I have seen it and I enjoy Manny a lot! And when I was done getting the picture and told him thank you he blew me a kiss :) It was sweet! While there Betty asked me if I would be willing to drive with her to Utah on Sun and she would get me a flight home for Weds. So I am getting to go to Utah! I am very excited about that! I was just telling my mom on Tues how frustrated I have been getting lately and I didn't tell her this part but I have been starting to get kind of depressed and so it will be nice to get away for a few days! Being out of work really stinks! I don't think I will mind as much when I am married and have a place of my own where I don't have to put up with other family members who don't do things for themselves and then wonder why they are overweight and feel like crap and are sick all the time. When I am raising my own kids and not helping full time to take care of others kids it will have a different meaning and a different feeling to it! I cannot wait for that day!

Hopefully my knee is improving. Some days it seems like it may be and others it is hurting enough for pain pills! It really is hard to tell, but I did get another cortisone shot about a week ago. This time they injected the area of the MCL and into the soft tissue not the joint. So hopefully it will make a difference! So thats the story of my life. It hasn't changed much. I am still not at work which I hate, I am still having knee problems which I hate ev en more and I am tired of being stuck at home but I am getting away soon, which I love! I still love Disneyland and got to go and ride Small World and see the Christmas stuff. Since Christmas is my favorite holiday I am excited. Today I started listening to my Christmas cd's again!

I realized that even though there is a lot of negatives in my life right now with it being thanksgiving and allI know that I do still have a lot to be thankful for! I have the gospel first and foremost which is incredible! My life would be so different if I didn't have that! I know that I wouldn't have such amazing friends and the truth that it will all be ok. That I can and will learn from this experience and it is all for a greater good! With the gospel I have the scriptures and the Temples! Many blessings there!
2nd I have a great family! Despite their getting on my nerves more often than not I know that they love me and I love them! I know that in the grand scheme of things if anything were to happen to me they would be by my side in a heartbeat! That is an incredible blessing! I know so many people who don't have that and it is sad!
3rd I have food, clothing, shelter, employment and transportation! These are all pretty self explanatory.
4th I have medical insurance! Especially with my knee condition this is an incredible blessing. I couldn't get it better if I didn't have medical coverage!
5th I live in a beautiful area and in a safe city. I know there is crime here as well as anywhere else but generally I am a lot safer here than many other areas of the world. There are many many more things I could list many big and small! I love being able to brush my teeth for instance and am thankful for that.... but overall I am just really happy that my Heavenly Father loves me and that he put me here in this day and age and has given me the opportunities that he has!

Going to the Temple

It amazes me how in spite of the vote of the people in CA there is still protesting going on because of Prop 8. It hurts me to know that mostly the No people are choosing to target the LDS community. THere has been 2 days since the election that the Temple has had to close because of it. I heard the new Temple President speak in church on Sun. He just started his calling as Temple President on the 1st. Then on the 6th the LAPD asked him to close the doors because they knew there would be protesting there. He said at first his response was "no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing" he then thought he should call Salt Lake about it. He spoke with someone in the Temple whatever section and they said the same thing, but then they said "let me check with the leaders and call you back" he did and they said that President Brimhall should follow the advice of the LAPD. But he also shared a moment about how when he and sister Brimhall were set apart during the blessing they were promised that the L A Temple would be "an ensign to the nations" and during his first week within the presidency that was happening already. The Temple has been all over the news. He said there was minimal damage done to the Temple, mostly it was graffitti on the wall of the fence around the perimeter that was painted over without difficulty. But then yesterday they said on the news that both the LA and Salt Lake temples were evacuated. They said that the Temple received a suspicious envelope containing white powder and they were considering it to be a hazmat situation. It made me cry. I think it is incredible how people can say they are fighting for equality that they want to be treated as equals and yet they disrespect everyone who opposes their views! I really don't think it proves their point much at all.

In the past several weeks where I have not been able to go to the Temple (I had to take a medical leave of absence due to the knee injury) it has really been sad for me! I miss going and serving in the House of the Lord so much! The peace found within is like nowhere else on earth! What a blessing it is for us to have the Temples so readily available to us! I am greatful for that! I am excited that tonight I get to go to the Temple for our stake day! I know it will be amazing to be there again! I just hope that we don't have to be evacuated! It is truely a sad day when people fighting for freedoms take away the freedoms of others!

I Just Wanna Cry Sometimes

Ok so sometimes I just wanna cry! I am dealing with my stresses of life. I feel like sometimes things feel harder than they are and it makes it harder than it seems it should be. I consistantly feel frustrated because of the knee injury. Sometimes I think that maybe it is getting a little better because I am not taking pain pills as much than I do something like squat down to get a dish out of the lower cabinet (or put one in) and I feel a twinge of pain again. Its been several months since I have been able to actually kneel and pray (I usually just stand and sort of half kneel against my bed) and I know it seems like a trivial thing but I wish I could kneel to pray. I don't know that people really understand how much the little things mean the most. I miss being active. I miss being able to go hiking or walk on the sand at the beach. I miss chasing my nephew around the house like my sister does. When she stops or isn't here, he wants me to chase him and I can't! I miss being able to take the stairs instead of the elevator. Often times at the hospital (when we didn't have a patient) I would go up or down the 4 or 5 flights of stairs while my partner took the elevator with the gurney.

Usually every fast Sunday I get up to bear my testimony. People would always comment on how it would be hard to beat me to the stand, this past Sunday everyone giggled because as I was getting my crutches to walk up someone else kinda sped-walked past me. I didn't mind. I really don't know how it happened that I ended up with such a reputation of being first to go, but I love to bear my testimony. I know how it strengthens it for me. I know that it is part of what is helping me through this trial.

It seems lately that my family has been making a lot of comments on how I should go for a bike ride, or get a trailer for my bike... maybe it wasn't intentional but it hurts. I want to ride my bike. A year ago I was riding my bike 3-5 times a week after work. It was a nice cardio workout and at the same time gave me a good chance to rejuvenate. It was a nice time by myself to think and just be alone. I was riding like 15 miles a night, from one end of town to the other and back home again! It was a time I wont soon forget! It was an amazing time!

Then the weight stuff.... I am trying to watch what I am eating. I am buying healthier snacks and stuff to have around so that I won't munch on crap. But then some of it need refridgeration and my family is getting mad that I put my name on it so they wont eat it (they do anyway so I don't know why I try) but then they don't hold themselves accountable for eating anything, especially my stuff. I don't think it is fair that they make comments to me about my weight (when we all need to lose) but then get mad at me for doing what I can for myself. Maybe if they were being more accountable for their own decisions and food intake I wouldn't mind sharing as much. Anyways tonight I just needed to vent a little! I know that I will overcome this trial! I don't know how long it is going to take but I hope it gets better soon! Or if I can at least figure out what lessons I need to learn from it so I can make sure I am learning something! I don't know maybe that would help somehow! Thanks for reminding me from comments on previous blogs that I do have the love and support I need. I know I have support at home, but sometimes it comes in odd ways and can be a little sporatic!

Oh and I almost forgot.... a little good news amidst the crazy! I saw Dr Davis this week, he still thinks it may be my MCL aggravating me. He wants to do another injection (which at first made me think "oh no not again" but what he said he wants to do this time is when I go into the office for the injection they will numb the MCL and have me wait in the office for some time and see if it gives me any relief. From that they can kind of verify that it is in fact the MCL causing the problems and from there we can determine a treatment plan. The injection could work long term but I don't know, otherwise I don't know what my options are, but at least he listens to me and he knows I am frustrated with it all. He knows I am trying to lose weight, He knows what I do for a living and that I am an active person and really want to return to that! So hopefully soon my insurance authorization for the injection will come! :) Woohoo, I just hope that if I am going to need another surgery I can get it before the end of the year so that I don't have to pay my insurance deductible again next year!

a little redemption

SO today (or I guess technically yesterday since it is after midnight already) I went to my weight watchers meeting. I lost 1.4 pounds last week. So even though on Halloween I kinda over-ate (but not on candy) I wasn't quite sure what my weight would be. But I was quite surprised at how I did overall I am down 3.2 lbs now! It felt really good to have lost that much. It also reminded me that I don't have to worry what the doctor said last week because he didn't care that I was doing what I can, but yet I AM being successful! So far my efforts are paying off! It is a slow road but it is good! I like that feeling! Knowing I am doing well and that my efforts are paying off!