I don't know if its because I have been on my feet a lot more for work (just walking mostly) which I love and am glad about. Or its the up and down from my chair at work or what. But unfortunately my knee has been getting sore again. I went in back on June 7th and got a cortisone injection to try and help settle it down. At first it seemed like it was helping. I was still getting a little bit achy but not as much as before the shot. I was thinking wow for the first time ever it seems like the injection is working!
Than last week happened! I am not sure why but than in the past week maybe almost 2 weeks now it started getting worse again. I've been having more and more problems with being able to do a squat type position and just in general any type of bending was making it sore. I was at Costco a week or so ago trying to do some shopping and every few min or so I had to just stop and lift my leg so there was no weight on it to help settle it down because I was getting sharp pains. I had even started taking the prescription pain pills again. It is so frustrating!
To make matters worse I am working in the ER admitting mostly (which i prefer over the front admitting so its nice) so I have been seeing a lot of my old coworkers come in with their patients and it makes me miss working as an EMT that much more and makes my heart ache just s much if not more than my knee! I really do miss it. Even though the pay wasn't spectacular its still so nice to have that feeling of being helpful! To know I was making a difference every day at work! To know that I could touch the life of someone else for the better and I learned so much from mt patients! I loved taking the little old ladies or gentlemen to the hospital and hearing their stories of "back in the day".
So I was hurting even just by walking and a week ago I was at FHE on Mon night and that was my 3rd day straight of taking pain pills I think. A friend of mine Shawna noticed that when I walked out during the lesson/video presentation and came back. Maybe she noticed me shifting in my seat a lot too, I'm not sure but she texted to see what was wrong. I told her I've been hurting and stuff and she mentioned getting a blessing. I told her maybe. My home teacher was there that night and I thought about asking him after the lesson but he took off before I got the chance to talk to him, and he was in his work uniform so I knew he was on the clock too. I figured I would wait and see anyway.
I tend to struggle to ask for a Priesthood blessing. I really have a hard time asking for several reasons. I sometimes feel like maybe I don't deserve one or that its something I don't need a blessing for. Than sometimes I just worry that I am inconveniencing the priesthood by asking them, or that I will interrupt something else they need to do or could be doing. I don't know i just in general have a really hard time asking! So my friend S has actually got the ball rolling for me a few times for a blessing. She has done the asking a few times. I guess she has noticed my hesitance! But she is so observant and has recognized the need and its importance for me. I sometimes wonder if I had grown up in the church to where I was more "exposed" to the priesthood and the blessings as a kid if it would be any easier for me to ask now? Anyway I am thankful to her for again putting the thought into my mind this time around.
So Mon night I hadn't asked my home teacher for a blessing and was going to just wait and see what happens but then as I was getting in my car it was hurting again, I almost felt like I wasn't going to be able to get in because I felt like I couldn't bend it to get in the car door. So once I got in my car I just sat in the driver seat and cried for like 5 min. Crying is easy, its a way to handle things for me. Its way easier to sit in my car and cry alone than it is to ask for a blessing. But I decided at that moment I did in fact want a blessing. I knew it was time. So it was right around 9pm at that time. I already knew my home teacher was working, and so I tried to call the elders. They didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I tried to call the Elders Quorum President but he didn't answer either. I knew he had been in Hawaii though so I knew he might not. I drove home and instead I cried myself to sleep.
I was working during he week and so I was still sore but I had a job to do so I was doing it. I was taking the vicodin and trying to keep it from getting really sore. I knew I only needed to work until Weds and then I had 2 days off. Thurs it was hurting really bad again and I was thankful I wasn't at work that day, I texted the elders that night and asked if they would give me a blessing when they came over on Fri to do some service. Than on Thurs night I was hurting so bad I couldn't get to sleep. Once I finally did I was awake like an hour later and struggled again to get back to sleep. Fri morning came around and I ran some errands or something and took care of some things before the elders came over at 2. When they came over they installed a window shade thing for my family. I was hurting enough on Fri morning too that I had already called and spoke with the Physicians Assistant again at my Dr office and he said he would give me some anti-inflammatory medication samples. He told me to start using my cane again while walking (except at work because I can't really use it than) He told me it sounds like I re-injured the meniscus (which is what he said last month when I got the injection) To be sure I would need to get a new MRI. But since I have no insurance that will cost me nearly $1000 to pay out of pocket and that is only if I can pay cash up front at the time of service. If I want to make payments on the cost it will be closer to the actual cost of the MRI which is several thousand dollars. I don't have the money to get it done. Even if I did, if they determine its going to require surgery or any other type of treatment I don't have the money for that either!
So after the elders had finished installing the shade (I wanted to help so much but my knee wouldn't allow it) I had them give me a blessing. My parents were watching TV inside so we were out back on the patio. They asked if it was a healing blessing and I said yes please. Then they asked me to pray for the spirit beforehand... I said ok and started to pray and I had to pause partly because of the tears and partly because the words weren't coming to me yet. I wasn't sure what I was praying for! I asked for the spirit and to have the faith to be healed, I can't remember it all. I had been praying all week and then some and had some powerful prayers but this one was the strongest prayer I've had in awhile! It was time for the blessing. Elder Blair did the anointing and Elder Peterson did the sealing. I was already crying but the tears continued. When they put their hands on my head to me it felt like their hands were shaking. I am not sure if they really were or not. For me though it seems like the times when it felt like the priesthood holders hands were shaking the blessing has always felt more powerful to me. Not that I didn't feel the power or the spirit in the other blessings but I think to me its a gentle reminder that they are only human like me and that they have to be ready to listen to the spirit and be guided in the things to say. I know he was!
I have been struggling lately with a lot of things. I have been having problems at home and there is a lot of contention here. It is hard to be here most of the time and I really struggle to remain strong and to not "blow my top". I really enjoy every moment that I get to be somewhere else and especially when I get to be at church related activity or with members of the church because it reminds me that life isn't always full of the contention. Its also nice having people over too because I think it keeps my family a little calmer as well) It helps me to know that when I get sealed in the Temple and have my own home and family that life although it will still have its struggles doesn't have to be full of the contention and anger. I've been struggling to read my scriptures daily but I have been slowly getting back into that routine. I've been praying more meaningfully again and sometimes that is hard when all you want to do is sleep or get out or whatever.
All those things were brought up in the blessing. Its the little things like that which remind me how amazing our Heavenly Father is. Helps me to know for sure that he does love me. Elder Peterson shared the love HF has for me through that blessing. I know he was guided by the spirit. How else would he know to tell me that I will overcome my trials and not just the health trials. How else would he have known to remind me of my divinity and that I am in fact a daughter of God. To remind me to continue to read and to pray daily. That blessing was incredible. I cannot explain it any other way.
I am so thankful for the missionaries. For all the priesthood holders in the church! I am so thankful for all that they have done for me and especially for my family. I know that this church is true! I know that they have the Power of God. I know for sure that the priesthood power is real! I know that they are guided by the Spirit and that I can be healed through faith! Since then although I have still been sore it hasn't been as bad as last week was. I know this post is about my knee but I want to say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church on earth today. I know that I have been blessed in so many ways and that I can return to live with my Heavenly Father again someday. I know that the scriptures come from God and I am so thankful for them. For the Bible, the Book of Mormon, also the Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price. I love to read them and I don't know why I don't make reading more of a priority in my life (but I am trying to). I am thankful for every week that I get to go to church. To feel of the spirit and to learn the things my Heavenly Father wants me to learn. I am so blessed with great leaders in the church and great friends! I know that I will be sealed in the Temple someday to a worthy Priesthood holder for time and all eternity and although we will have trials we will be blessed through that sealing power! I am grateful for that and look forward to that day! I am grateful to all of you who read my blog! I know that you are very close to me and you love me or you wouldn't be reading! Thanks for that! Thanks for always being there for me! Every time I get another great priesthood blessing I tell myself that I won't hesitate to ask the next time around. I remind myself that I am a daughter of God and he would want me to ask. I tell myself that by not asking I am denying the priesthood members a chance to serve. I really hope that next time around I won't hesitate again! I know the power of the Priesthood is real! I am ever thankful for that! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ... Amen