So after all I have been through in the past few years, as well as my Hypothyroidism not being regulated (I missed a few lab tests and it ended up being out of range, i've since had my dosage adjusted and as of today am back just within the normal range) I ended up gaining back the weight I lost 3 years ago. At first when I lost my dad and everyone else I was mostly able to stay within a few pounds of where I had gotten down to, then last year it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I was instead gaining. It's been frustrating. It's hard to not see the results you once had, and that you wanted again. It was hard to have worked so hard and to gain it all back.
So before losing the weight I was happy in life. I wasn't necessarily happy with how i looked or how heavy I was, but I was happy and I knew that my body didn't define who I was. I knew that the only person that could change the way I looked was myself, and when I got to work, I was succesful. It was great. I had a positive self image even though i was overweight. So then flash forward to more recently. I had been at this weight before and although i didn't like it, I was happy. Now I am back at this weight and I am miserable. I get so down on myself because I know that I had worked so hard and feel like a failure for letting myself regain the weight I worked so hard to lose. It is frustrating! Now of course some people may say that it's understandable, with all the trials and everything else I have faced in the last few years, naturally for most people weight gain is kind of common. It's true but at the same time, i knew what I had done, and how I did it, I know how hard I worked and how it wasn't always easy. So now it feels like I gave up on myself. I let myself be angry for not working harder to keep the weight off during those trials. I know that the negative self image isn't helping myself currently but it's got me in a funk.
I know that I can lose the weight again, and plan to do so, but it's so frustrating when my knee is hurting and it makes it harder to do what I need to do. I know that is just an excuse, but it's true. Sometimes even just an hour extra on my knee makes me sore for several days, and if I go more than that it's sometimes like a week of pain for one simple workout, or sometimes not even a workout, but just trying to do a normal activity. So I have been trying to rid myself of some of my negativity. I am trying to remind myself that I am not perfect. I wasn't perfect before and I am certainly not any closer to perfection now. All that is really asked of me is my best. I know that if I focus on the right things and do what I can, I will have success again. That's the plan anyway. I just hate that I was able to be happy with myself before and now I can't. I think I am going to look into some sort of support group or program so that I can talk to people who know how I feel and I can get the support I need. Or maybe it's about finding the right friend who is going thru the same struggles I am so that we can support one another. I know that I can do this, and maybe that's why i am writing this blog post tonight, when i really should already be in bed... I think that it is going to make me accountable. Not only to myself, but to my followers; all 3 of you... if you even still read this!
I am making other changes too, I am trying to be more consistant in my gratitude journal, making sure that daily I am thinking of things that I am grateful for. Without gratitude and recognizing our blessings we really won't go far in life. I am also working on more heartfelt and sincere prayers. I know that not only do I need the blessings of prayer, but there are so many people that I need to pray for. There is so much beyond myself that I need to look for assistance with and I can't get that assistance from my Heavenly Father if I am not willing to ask for it and to wait for His response to my prayers. I need to stop crawling into bed and saying the same prayer that although he hears them all, these probably get stuck on the ceiling because it's the same thing everyday. I am also making sure I put my time into my scripture study. Where are we if we are not studying? If we don't take the time to learn from the scriptures (which is often how we get the answers to those heartfelt prayers) then we again are missing out on a lot. So I started a new 90 day program to read again.
Well if you've read this far, and are still reading, I appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to hear (read) my concerns. Thanks for being my friend and for supporting me. You may not realize it, but you are supporting me. Maybe after reading this you'll be more aware of things. Maybe i've inspired you to be better at something, and then in seeing you do that, it will in turn inspire me and we will have created a secret quiet circle of support and inspiration. If nothing else, like I already said it makes me accountable to myself again. It is the reminder I might need to look back on in order to encourage myself to keep going on a rough day.
Today is the day i remind myself that I matter, that I am a Daughter of God and my life has a purpose and a meaning. Maybe this is the real reason I received a new calling at church being an advisor to the young women and having to teach them once a month. I think it's really a lesson and blessing for me. I don't know that the things I say or do are really affecting them. but I know that I am growing through those lessons. I know that when I am doing what I can, then I too am learning. In fact I get to teach this week. Last month I was giving a lesson on adversity, and in the week and a half leading up to the lesson I was given trial after trial. This month there is a lesson i could give on overcoming trials, but I think I learned from that lesson not to "press my luck" in learning by life for my lessons. I think actually that I might give a lesson on "grace" so that not only myself, but the girls can learn that grace enables us, it gives us strength and power and helps us to endure to the end. Even though it requires effort on our part, it is still a blessing over all. I think I would rather learn through life to give this lesson, than being faced with more trials to give something else related to adversity.
Well I think that's it for tonight. Time for washing my face, brushing my teeth, saying my prayers and headin to bed! It's almost time for the weekend! No more "Negative Nancy" it's time for me to get back to being happy with who I am so that I can keep a smile on my face and move forward with my head held high.