Sometimes amidst the dark clouds of trials and hard times in life, we find a "silver lining". Sometimes there is something in our life that comes along and shines through everything else. Usually it is completely unexpected and I guess that is the beauty of it. That is what makes it so unique and wonderful. Sometimes it also makes it a little scary and unsure. I know that God has a plan for each of us, and I am thankful for that. I am not sure why it's meant so much hurt and heartache for me this year. I may never fully know how much growth I have obtained or still need at this time. I don't know at this time why my life has been so difficult this year, but I do know I have a silver lining. I don't know how long it will shine, I don't know where it will go, I don't know if it's here to prepare me for more dark clouds (I really hope not) or to help me move past the defeat of the clouds already lingering overhead. I do know I am thankful for it being around though.
My silver lining is a guy. I met J earlier this year, just after my Dad had passed away. Then a little over a month later he started coming to a class I was already attending. We had a mutual friend and started to get to know each other as we saw each other weekly. Of course with all that has passed in my life these past 7 months I wasn't looking for or expecting any type of relationship to come along. I was too busy trying to keep myself afloat. If it wasn't for my faith I think with the loss of Medic this week I might have totally given up. When I heard about Medic I just felt completely defeated. I felt like nothing would be right. But at the same time, the past 3 weeks J and I have been talking a lot more. We have been spending time together almost daily (the past 2 weeks for that) and it's been great. He sent me a text that meant a lot to me after Medic had passed. He's super active at church and we joke about him being too "churchy" but I think even that means a lot to me. I think that although my faith has gotten me through these past 7 months, i was still slipping a little bit. I wasn't putting in as much effort as I should've and having his example has helped remind me where my weaknesses have been and it's nice to be reminded to focus on the Lord first.
It is nice to have someone who cares about me. Who makes me feel loved and appreciated. Someone I can talk to and joke with. Someone who holds my hands and hugs me goodbye. Who says he doesn't want me to leave when we hang out. Someone who has really been making me happy. I just hope that I am giving him as much attention and admiration as I feel I am getting in return. I don't know where this is going to lead. Right now we are both happy and taking it slowly. We are both overcoming a lot in our lives and it's nice that we've been able to be open about things. We both have so much going on that it's nice to not be pressured in our relationship. At this moment I am just happy to be with someone. I don't know how long it will last, I don't know if it will lead to marriage, if it does, that is way down the road. Right now I am just glad he is there. I am glad that J has reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. He has reminded me that I am a Daughter of God who deserves to be treated as such and he respects me. That is hard to come by sometimes. That is hard when we live in a world that is so focused on physical relationships and not so much on knowing one another. I am still adjusting to it all. I do know that I like him a lot, especially now that we've spent more time together and I've gotten to know him better. I am still a little surprised that he's liked me for a longer period of time. I feel like it's unbalanced and that makes me a little self conscious. It also surprises me, since I know I wasn't making any efforts to impress him or anyone really during the time his feelings were starting to develop. It's reassuring to me though, knowing that means he likes me no matter what. He likes who I am, not becuase I dress a certain way or wear a lot of makeup or whatever other methods people use to get attention. It's comforting to know I can be myself around him.
I really do think that he is a silver lining for me right now. He is helping me to look for the good in others again. He is helping me to remember that I need to look beyond myself and serve others. He is reminding me to be missionary minded and not afraid to share my testimony with others. I am slowly being reminded that sometimes it's ok to ask for help from others. That I don't need to be so independant, that sometimes it's nice to have a guy who'll open the door for me, or fix the garage door at my moms house. I don't always have to be the handywoman. It's hard when I am so used to doing so much on my own, but I am thankful for his willingness to help. I am thankful for my silver lining.