Just Checking In

So I realized today while I was at work that I haven't updated my blog in awhile. Now that I am online, I can see it's been about a month. Things are still going well with J. He is such a nice guy and has treated me with the utmost respect. He kind of has to, he's been warned by several others I know that he better treat me right or he better watch out. It's kind of crazy, because I had teased him previously that I am a princess and deserved to be treated as such (and so far he is doing a great job at that) and so it's funny that I was teasing him about watching out for not mistreating me otherwise there'd be people after him... and now some people who I didn't even expect to say it, have basically told him the same thing. I feel so loved and blessed to have so many people looking out for me!

I realized on Sunday that October was finally the first month this year where absolutely nothing bad happened and I didn't have any major trials to overcome. It was especially nice because it gave me plenty of time to not be worried about "what's next" and to enjoy a little bit of life (and some time with J) It's so crazy how so much can change in such a short amount of time. I am sure there is more I could say about all kinds of things, but for now I am just taking it one day at a time and continuing to adjust to all the changes that have happened this year. I was doing some shopping over the weekend and it was hard to start seeing more Christmas stuff around and realizing this Thanksgiving and Christmas my Dad won't be here. This will be my first holiday season without him! It's going to be tough! ~and now I'm crying .... ugh! I was also thinking this weekend what a blessing it will be to have my Uncle Danny come out for Thanksgiving this year... then I realized the reason he can come is because we lost my cousin this year. So it's going to be a happy but sad reunion! Everything the next two months will be tough, but I know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I am tougher! I can get through it all!

I am thankful for so many things in my life and I am thankful that right now I have someone who makes me happy. I sometimes wonder though if I am deserving of his affections. I know that it took some time for me to like him and I still feel like maybe the scale is unbalanced. I am glad though that he doesn't seem to mind. I am so blessed to have his support at this time and I still don't know where it may go but I am thankful for this time that we're having. It's been fun, we've gone to the movies, a few Disneyland dates, we have just gone walking sometimes. We've gone to the pier and watched the sunset, we've gone bowling, and mostly just gotten to know each other better and had fun in the meantime. We've discussed museums and hiking (depending on the cooperation of my knee) and many other things we want to do together. Hopefully next week we might take the train together (other than the one at Disneyland etc, I have never ridden the train anywhere) so we're talking about taking the train to the Ca Science Center, I would really love to see the Pompeii exhibit before it leaves. So that's exciting. he is talking about wanting to get tickets to the Air Supply concert coming up at the Fred Kavli theather in Thousand Oaks... over all we've had fun and he makes me smile, something that's kinda been hidden most of the year. He has also helped me overcome some self esteem issues. I am still not perfect in my self view, but he has reminded me that I am beautiful and has let me know it even when I don't feel that I am. I love the new Colbie Caillet song "Try". It reminds me of some of the conversations J & I have had. He's told me not to worry about putting on make up or trying to impress him, because I have already done that. That he finds me beautiful no matter what. It's super flattering to hear that (even if I struggle to believe it) and he tells me he cherishes me. I don't know how i got so lucky!

A Silver Lining

Sometimes amidst the dark clouds of trials and hard times in life, we find a "silver lining". Sometimes there is something in our life that comes along and shines through everything else. Usually it is completely unexpected and I guess that is the beauty of it. That is what makes it so unique and wonderful. Sometimes it also makes it a little scary and unsure. I know that God has a plan for each of us, and I am thankful for that. I am not sure why it's meant so much hurt and heartache for me this year. I may never fully know how much growth I have obtained or still need at this time. I don't know at this time why my life has been so difficult this year, but I do know I have a silver lining. I don't know how long it will shine, I don't know where it will go, I don't know if it's here to prepare me for more dark clouds (I really hope not) or to help me move past the defeat of the clouds already lingering overhead. I do know I am thankful for it being around though.

My silver lining is a guy. I met J earlier this year, just after my Dad had passed away. Then a little over a month later he started coming to a class I was already attending. We had a mutual friend and started to get to know each other as we saw each other weekly. Of course with all that has passed in my life these past 7 months I wasn't looking for or expecting any type of relationship to come along. I was too busy trying to keep myself afloat. If it wasn't for my faith I think with the loss of Medic this week I might have totally given up. When I heard about Medic I just felt completely defeated. I felt like nothing would be right. But at the same time, the past 3 weeks J and I have been talking a lot more. We have been spending time together almost daily (the past 2 weeks for that) and it's been great. He sent me a text that meant a lot to me after Medic had passed. He's super active at church and we joke about him being too "churchy" but I think even that means a lot to me. I think that although my faith has gotten me through these past 7 months, i was still slipping a little bit. I wasn't putting in as much effort as I should've and having his example has helped remind me where my weaknesses have been and it's nice to be reminded to focus on the Lord first.

It is nice to have someone who cares about me. Who makes me feel loved and appreciated. Someone I can talk to and joke with. Someone who holds my hands and hugs me goodbye. Who says he doesn't want me to leave when we hang out. Someone who has really been making me happy. I just hope that I am giving him as much attention and admiration as I feel I am getting in return. I don't know where this is going to lead. Right now we are both happy and taking it slowly. We are both overcoming a lot in our lives and it's nice that we've been able to be open about things. We both have so much going on that it's nice to not be pressured in our relationship. At this moment I am just happy to be with someone. I don't know how long it will last, I don't know if it will lead to marriage, if it does, that is way down the road. Right now I am just glad he is there. I am glad that J has reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. He has reminded me that I am a Daughter of God who deserves to be treated as such and he respects me. That is hard to come by sometimes. That is hard when we live in a world that is so focused on physical relationships and not so much on knowing one another. I am still adjusting to it all. I do know that I like him a lot, especially now that we've spent more time together and I've gotten to know him better. I am still a little surprised that he's liked me for a longer period of time. I feel like it's unbalanced and that makes me a little self conscious. It also surprises me, since I know I wasn't making any efforts to impress him or anyone really during the time his feelings were starting to develop. It's reassuring to me though, knowing that means he likes me no matter what. He likes who I am, not becuase I dress a certain way or wear a lot of makeup or whatever other methods people use to get attention. It's comforting to know I can be myself around him.

I really do think that he is a silver lining for me right now. He is helping me to look for the good in others again. He is helping me to remember that I need to look beyond myself and serve others. He is reminding me to be missionary minded and not afraid to share my testimony with others. I am slowly being reminded that sometimes it's ok to ask for help from others. That I don't need to be so independant, that sometimes it's nice to have a guy who'll open the door for me, or fix the garage door at my moms house. I don't always have to be the handywoman. It's hard when I am so used to doing so much on my own, but I am thankful for his willingness to help. I am thankful for my silver lining.

More Tears in 2014

So it's another sad post of the year. I was feeling as if I couldn't take any more heartache, as if I couldn't handle another loss this year or for a long, long while. I thought maybe now that I am dating someone, that maybe, just maybe things were turning around for me. Maybe I was going to start finding a rainbow amongst the dark cloud of the year....then the unthinkable happened! Well maybe not completely unthinkable per say since I know he couldn't live forever, and he was almost 12.... my dog Medic died yesterday :-( it was so hard to get that call from my mom when I got to work yesterday. It left me feeling sad and almost defeated. It's so hard to take so much loss in so little time and all being so close to me. Medic was MY puppy! MY dog! Even though it's been almost 2 years now since I moved out of my parents house and didn't take him with me, he was always my dog. I still would visit him fairly regularly. I still cuddled and hugged him whenever I went over there. I still made sure to see him a couple times a week, and now he's gone :'( and I am crying again.

I have a picture in my room that says "sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child" I am not sure how much longer I will have these storms lingering around. I am not sure how much more calming I need to do. It's a tough one. I think maybe J. still is that little bit of sunshine for me right now. I think he is reminding me of how important it is to focus on the Lord. He is reminding me how much the simple things matter that maybe I have been neglecting. I don't know where my life is heading but I am thankful for his example lately. I am also thankful for his patience with me, and his showing me that I am someone who matters. He has made me so very happy even though it's only been a few weeks. I am thankful for him in my life right now. I am a lucky lady. It's funny to think how just a few weeks ago I was writing about someone that wasn't really opening up to me and now we're dating. I had been suspicious of him liking me at that point but he hadn't said anything and I was so overwhelmed by everything else in my life to really see how i felt about him, but I am thankful that I decided to write that post because since then my feelings have been changing a lot. He has made me super happy and I am enjoying our time together. He also sent me the sweetest most comforting message when he found out about Medic. It was what i needed to hear! Thanks J! I think I am almost ready to jump into that handcart ;-) I think people are starting to put me there anyway I might not really have a choice anymore!

Happy Birthday From Dad

So as usual I spent my birthday at Disneyland on Thursday. It was a lot of fun, I was there with my sister, her boyfriend, a friend, and the guy I am dating. It was a great day all in all. I had so much fun. I really had some great experiences. It was nice to spend that time with the guy and get some time to get to know him even more, and for him to meet some of my family and close friends as well. So they too were able to get to know a little more about him, as this was a first meeting for them. I will leave that part of the post at that. I don't want to get into the trip too much on this post because I had a different reason for writing today.

So when we arrived at the parks we started our day at California Adventure. We went in, got fast passes for the racers, rode a few other things, looked at a couple things and decided to hop over to Disneyland for a few hours before the time for the racers came up on our passes. When we got over to Disneyland and the cast member scanned my annual pass, she looked at me and said "who is in the military?" I immediately without thinking said "my Dad was" & then she asked for my military ID. I got out my ID and said "I don't have a military ID" and so she called over the supervisor. At this point I was curious and was able to see her screen it was asking her to check for military ID. I have never purchased my pass with any military discounts or otherwise. I have personally never been in the military, but it wanted my ID. He told her to hit the "yes" (as if she'd checked my military ID) then had her re-scan my pass. I had already told them both I had been in Ca Adv already that day and didn't have any problems with my pass or anything upon entering. So she re-scanned my pass and it came up the way it normally should've where it just showed me coming in as a park-hopper from being over there already.

I have never had that, or anything like it happen before. As I went thru and entered it occured to me that my first thought for military was my Dad. I have known many people who've served our country and so it almost just as quickly as that first thought of my Dad came to me that maybe it was a tender mercy of the Lord. That I was just given a "Happy Birthday from Dad" in a way and place he knew he could reach out and find me. It was incredible and of course it made me cry. In fact I am crying again now just writing this post. I can say i am incredibly thankful for that moment I had. Even though it made me cry on my birthday I felt so blessed and loved because of the experience. I hope I never forget it.

opening a closed book

I think most of us know how to open a book.  obviously unless it's "The Monster Book of Monsters" from Harry Potter,  where you have to stroke the spine to open it, so it doesn't attack you,  it's fairly easy. Just open the cover and there you go.  You'll find the title page,  the copyright info,  and occasionally you even get a table of contents,  a chapter listing if you will. I find the book of life to be a little more challenging.  Especially MY book.  Everybody is different.  Some people are an "open book" where they have no problem showing who they are and sharing their life with anybody they meet, some people are so closed that you wonder if they are like the "Monster Book of Monsters" where unless they feel comforted & soothed by you they won't open at all.  I feel like I am somewhere in the middle.  I'm not going to open easily,  But if I know you and trust you I may share a few chapters or more. The closer I am to you, the more you may get to learn.

So this year I made a new friend. As we've talked and spent some time together in a class we're both attending i feel as if we've maybe gotten to know each other some.  But over time I've begun  to realize he's maybe a little more closed than I am. normally I don't open up much until I've gotten to know someone.  Then slowly but surely my chapters become apparent. You'll start to see my table of contents. Maybe you'll learn stuff from my past, maybe you'll see my hopes for the future. Maybe you'll get to read all about my current chapter. The one I'm living in now, day in and day out. I like being comfortable enough with someone to share a little more. But sometimes I've learned its too much.  Maybe sometimes I should be a little more on guard. Maybe I should attack someone like Draco Malfoy who isn't really paying enough attention, or cares to stroke my spine so I know they're safe.

So back to this new friend. In recent weeks I've begun to notice & feel as if I barely know anything about them. I feel as if thru conversation and occasional comments in class that maybe they've learned more about me than the reverse. I don't really know why this is. Maybe I haven't made this person comfortable enough with me to open up his book. I don't know if maybe they feel they have something to hide, maybe they think I'll judge their previous chapters. I really dont know. But I do know this person seems genuinely sweet and fun and maybe even a bit charming at times. I feel as if we could get along well and enjoy more time together, but right now I feel a bit vulnerable.  I feel like maybe I'm sharing too much, since I dont really know the person im sharing with. i am starting to feel as if maybe I need to close my pages a little more. If I've decided to share my blog page with this person I hope they're reading and realizing I am trustworthy.  I hope they see that I won't judge them. But I am curious too.

I realize though,  that sharing my blog is really opening up my pages. It's really a chance for someone to see who I am. I am an emotional person. I, like a lot of women over-analyze things. I can joke around and like to have fun. But I also cry at sappy movies. Heck I cry if I see a stranger crying sometimes and won't even know why. I love to serve when given the chance and I especially love moments where I can provide secret acts of service. I am someone who will gi ve the shirt off my back if I feel someone needs it more. & I've kinda done that before (it was a pair  of board shorts at the beach, and I had a dress to wear over my suit anyway) But I am also a person who hides my true feelings more often than not. I will bite my tongue rather than create contention or risk an argument.  (Unless I feel really bothered by it, I won't be walked all over) I try to see the good in others and probably give more than I should sometimes. I don't consider.myself a writer, but i have written a few poems (usually emotionally inspired) and obviously have this blog.

I am not a person who has a high level of self esteem. I am working on that though. I know that i am a Daughter of God, which gives me a lot to look forward to. It gives my life a meaning and a purpose. But I (like many people I know) don't feel as if I am the person that people think i am. I have been told that I am a "spiritual giant" especially with all the trials I've faced this year. I don't feel that tall. I feel as if I have a lot of shortcomings,  I know my weaknesses and maybe im good at hiding them. I know how I can withhold my emotions.  I know how I keep from asking for help when I maybe need it most. I know that I will say "I'm fine" when really im not. Maybe thats because they are someone who isn't ready for the chapter of my life I'm in, or maybe its just me holding back again. Im not really sure why I'm writing this post. Or where I am trying to go with it.  Maybe it seems a little random and thrown together,  probably because to some extent it is. I guess maybe because of this friend I was reminded of my book, vs the books of others. Maybe I need to give it some time for them to be ready to open up their life. Maybe I need to just be patient and be a friend. Even if it means a little bit of vulnerability.  Hopefully it doesnt backfire on me. Hopefully I don't get hurt in the end. All in all for those of you who are my friends and reading this, i want you to know I appreciate your friendship.  I appreciate the chapters of your life that you've shared with me. And if you ever feel as if I am holding back some chapter or you're missing a few items from my table of contents,  please know its nothing personal. Its just my inner monster trying to either attack, or waiting for the stroke of my spine for me to open up.

if everyday were like today

If every day were like today:

... that's message on myfitnesspal when you complete your daily entry, it says if everyday were like today you'd weigh ___# in 5 weeks. ¤Today's message told me I would be past one of my goals, (50# down) and have gotten farther than before the setbacks I've had the past 6 months with trials and losses. I was just about to 50# right before my dad passed, & have kinda fluctuated above that since. Luckily I haven't completely gained it all back,  But have lingered near 35-40# down instead.  Anyway it made me think about the statement, these are my thoughts:

If everyday were like today:

→then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am weight wise and wouldn't need myfitnesspal to track my food
→then it means everyday was a day where I didn't feel the need to snack constantly.  Where I didn't feel as if I was hungry constantly.
→then i'd really be kicking butt in my weight loss challenges
→then although I was tired,  and my knee was hurting I managed a decent workout anyway
→then everyday was an emotional day,  where although things were good,  suddenly I felt sad and lonely (I don't want that everyday)
→then everyday I got a nap during my lunch break
→then everyday I actually documented my samples from cruising thru Costco
→then everyday I had people honk &/or wave at me during my walk,  uplifting my spirits and reminding me i am doing the right thing to keep going forward.

I'm sure there are more,  but for the moment that's what I thought about.  I may come back and add more later.  But for now I'm thankful for myfitnesspal.  I'm thankful I have a useful tool to help me keep focused. I'm thankful that it reminds me that "if everyday were like today" because sometimes the days are bad and it shows me I'm off track and heading the wrong direction.  But today was good.  Today it reminded me of my successes,  It reminded me that I can make it to my goal. Then I can start on my next goal.  If everyday were like today then in 5 weeks I will be down 53#! That's awesome!

Goodbye Uncle "Goofy"

So last week I was in Escondido for work.  I was taking a class to become a certified car seat installation technician.  The class was great and now I'm officially certified to properly install child seats into vehicles,  as well as train parents how to do so properly so their kids are safe.  While I was there in class on Tuesday my Uncle Kenneth was having open heart surgery.  It was tough not being there with my aunt,  but I was Praying as always.  Things went well and although he was on the icu it was promising.  Then unfortunately on Weds he took a turn for the worse,  and ended up having 3 more operations due to complications from the procedure on Weds  So weds night I drove to the hospital from my hotel room,  and my sister's all drive from Simi to be with family and see him.  The third surgery they had done weds night seemed promising again so we left feeling better than before arriving at the hospital.  On thurs naturally I was tired since I got back to the hotel late,  but I continued with class,  Then things went downhill again.  By the mid afternoon via text I was notified they were going to make him comfortable and remove him from life support.  This was hard!  Not just for me (& I had  to step outta class to control my emotions) not only did my uncle pass away that afternoon,  It was on the 6 month anniversary of when we lost my dad.  Their times of death were also approximately an hour apart from each other.  I can't believe that my family has been given yet another trial,  especially involving death.  I am grateful  knowing that we're strong and that despite all we've had to face lately life just keeps moving forward. I just hope this is the end of the trials for awhile!  I am sure I've had enough!

Happy Anniversary

Once upon an instant message

This guy found this girl

They talked and they chatted

Decided to give it a whirl

They met one day at Starbucks

Things moved on from there

He liked their matching personalities

She liked that he made her laugh

They found that they enjoyed their time together

Their goals were on the same track

She liked that he didn’t care what others thought

He felt everything was “too good to be true”

They started to date, spend more time together

She made him smile, and made him laugh

He was cute to her while playing golf

She showed she wanted to know him personally

He liked how quiet, and shy she could be

Some would’ve called him a geek for his computer skills

She said it showed her he was truly smart

He loved that she loved him for who he was, and

Supported him for who he wanted to be

They dated three more years

Decided to set a date

Another three years and she got the ring

The day was approaching quick

The next seven months flew on by

Making appointments, and setting the plans

She walked down the aisle

They stood hand in hand

They shared their vows thru tear filled eyes

“I do” at the park, followed by the party

We flash forward to today, ten years have gone away

Still standing side by side

They’re holding hands now in the car

They’re soul-mates, partnered in time

Proud of each other, an inspiration to us all

Surrounded by loved ones, they sing made up songs

Loving one another, more and more each day

He’ll tell you she’s “smoking hot”

She’ll say he’s still cute, or handsome as can be

He says she’s his rock

She says he follows the motto “happy wife equals happy life”

They plan to grow old together

Supporting and cheering on one another

Through good times and bad

Hoping to be parents to more than just Koda

Glad to always have each other

They’ll always find comfort together

Smiling and laughing forever

Working hard, and playing harder

Sharing lunches, life and fun

Through laughter or silence, married they are one

They complete each others sentences

They are equal to each other

For N and D S------- the fun has just begun!

2014 continues to be rough....

So as you may have know the beginning of this year sucked! So after my Dad passed it didn't exactly get much better... we waited 3 weeks to do my dad's services, then two weeks later there was more heartache. At the end of March (just 5 weeks after my dad) Loren Southworth passed away. He was someone I knew from church. Over the past 10 years or so I had gotten to know him because of some of his leadership roles he played at church so I saw him on a fairly regular basis, as well as was in many meetings with him when I was in the YSA ward. Then in the past 2-3 years specifically he and his wife Lynn were the mid-singles advisors for church. So not only did I know him but became closer to him and his wife. We would meet regularly for church and during the week for other church activities too. He was almost like a second father to me. So 3 weeks after my dad's services I was at another funeral for Loren. It was hard! That same week that Loren passed I also lost my cousin who lives in New Jersey to suicide. Then a co-worker lost her mom as well. So I attended 3 funeral services in less than a month! I realized as I thought about it that by the end of April I knew of at least a dozen deaths of people I knew personally, and of people close to those I knew personally. It was tough!!

Things have somewhat settled down since that time. There thankfully haven't been more deaths to deal with but there have been several other trials. There seems to always be drama lately with friends, church, work etc. Things just never seem to be "simple" not that life should be simple, but it would be nice to have less trials. I do know that we are here to be tested and that we learn and grow from our trials but sometimes it feels like too much to handle.

When it comes to my weight loss, close to the time of my dad's death I was down close to 50#. Then because my life was turned upside down I went back up around 9#. After a few weeks I was able to get back on track and re-lost those 9. Then I had a really bad month and a half or so with my knee and went up again. Then I lost that again, then I gained a little back again, then I plateaud again... so I am still working on it. I am not back quite to the 50# down  mark again but I am trying. I am having more bad days with my knee than good, but I keep on trying. Right now I am still only down around the 40# loss mark. It's tough but overall I am glad that I haven't regained all that I lost last year. I would rather be in an almost "maintaining" stage than to have lost all my hard work.

 I know that there have been tons of other things that have happened, actually both good and bad but right now I am not thinking of them! Mostly this year has been rough, but it really has shown me who my friends are. WHo are the ones that are really there for me. That love me and are by my side in good times and in bad (especially since there have been more bad than good lately) I am thankful for that. I have managed to still find things to write in my gratitude journal each night and I have had many opportunities to do service for others which I am grateful for! Life is rough but I am hanging in there! Life goes on, day by day, moment by moment. It seems like the smallest things set me off but I am doing ok!

Daddy's Lil Girl Part 2

 So a few years ago I wrote a poem for my Dad to let him know he was loved. That he had a purpose, I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you can read it here:  Daddy's Lil Girl ) and so after he passed I thought that maybe I could share it at his services, so I re-read it. When I did I realized it wasn't completely what I was wanting to say, so I added to it. This is the addition I wrote for the services:

This feels so unreal

How can it be true?

This pain that I feel

Daddy, I miss you

Now that you’re gone

Your pain is no more

You held on for so long

What did you suffer for?

I know there is a plan

Heavenly Father put in place

When we follow His plan

We’re welcomed by His grace

I’m sure you were welcomed home

By those who’ve gone before

I know you weren’t alone

Met at Heavens door

You left behind a family

Who have loved you all along

All those friends and family

Trying now to be strong

Things will never be the same

We’ll take them day by day

Life is always full of change

I know you couldn’t stay

Our lives will keep on going

So much you’re gonna miss

As your family keeps on growing

To make you proud, our only wish

You are not going to be there

For my wedding day

This doesn’t seem very fair

Who’ll give your girl away?

I wasn’t ready for you to go

I never said goodbye

Tried to show you I loved you so

Why did you have to die?

I’m thankful for the gospel plan

Gift of the atonement too

I’m going to do all I can

To gain eternity with you

You left us all too early in life

I guess there’s work for us to do

You left us all with heartache and strife

Our love we’ll always feel for you

I’m holding onto memories

Locking them into my heart

Love will be the only keys

Unlocking a flood of memories to start

Things may get easier in time

As we go about our days

Finding a rhythm and our rhyme

Love for you to light the way

Thanks for all you taught me

Helping me to learn and grow

Showing me who I could be

Inspiring me more than I now know

We were different, yet alike

Had our ups and downs

Like learning to ride a bike

It was easier when you were around

I’m grateful for our Savior

Taking our sins and pains

By acceptance in the Savior

I’ll be with you again

Time will heal our hearts

Life goes on and on

With each day comes a new start

 Your memory will live on

Thank you daddy for everything

I’m a stronger woman now

You would’ve given me anything

Even If you didn’t know how

Faith makes me stronger

I’ve got a life to live yet

Your loss makes the days feel longer

It’s you I’ll never forget

I am me because of you

When all was said and done

I really hope you knew

Daddy you were my number one

Renee L Conaway 2/15-16/2014