2014 continues to be rough....

So as you may have know the beginning of this year sucked! So after my Dad passed it didn't exactly get much better... we waited 3 weeks to do my dad's services, then two weeks later there was more heartache. At the end of March (just 5 weeks after my dad) Loren Southworth passed away. He was someone I knew from church. Over the past 10 years or so I had gotten to know him because of some of his leadership roles he played at church so I saw him on a fairly regular basis, as well as was in many meetings with him when I was in the YSA ward. Then in the past 2-3 years specifically he and his wife Lynn were the mid-singles advisors for church. So not only did I know him but became closer to him and his wife. We would meet regularly for church and during the week for other church activities too. He was almost like a second father to me. So 3 weeks after my dad's services I was at another funeral for Loren. It was hard! That same week that Loren passed I also lost my cousin who lives in New Jersey to suicide. Then a co-worker lost her mom as well. So I attended 3 funeral services in less than a month! I realized as I thought about it that by the end of April I knew of at least a dozen deaths of people I knew personally, and of people close to those I knew personally. It was tough!!

Things have somewhat settled down since that time. There thankfully haven't been more deaths to deal with but there have been several other trials. There seems to always be drama lately with friends, church, work etc. Things just never seem to be "simple" not that life should be simple, but it would be nice to have less trials. I do know that we are here to be tested and that we learn and grow from our trials but sometimes it feels like too much to handle.

When it comes to my weight loss, close to the time of my dad's death I was down close to 50#. Then because my life was turned upside down I went back up around 9#. After a few weeks I was able to get back on track and re-lost those 9. Then I had a really bad month and a half or so with my knee and went up again. Then I lost that again, then I gained a little back again, then I plateaud again... so I am still working on it. I am not back quite to the 50# down  mark again but I am trying. I am having more bad days with my knee than good, but I keep on trying. Right now I am still only down around the 40# loss mark. It's tough but overall I am glad that I haven't regained all that I lost last year. I would rather be in an almost "maintaining" stage than to have lost all my hard work.

 I know that there have been tons of other things that have happened, actually both good and bad but right now I am not thinking of them! Mostly this year has been rough, but it really has shown me who my friends are. WHo are the ones that are really there for me. That love me and are by my side in good times and in bad (especially since there have been more bad than good lately) I am thankful for that. I have managed to still find things to write in my gratitude journal each night and I have had many opportunities to do service for others which I am grateful for! Life is rough but I am hanging in there! Life goes on, day by day, moment by moment. It seems like the smallest things set me off but I am doing ok!

Daddy's Lil Girl Part 2

 So a few years ago I wrote a poem for my Dad to let him know he was loved. That he had a purpose, I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you can read it here:  Daddy's Lil Girl ) and so after he passed I thought that maybe I could share it at his services, so I re-read it. When I did I realized it wasn't completely what I was wanting to say, so I added to it. This is the addition I wrote for the services:

This feels so unreal

How can it be true?

This pain that I feel

Daddy, I miss you

Now that you’re gone

Your pain is no more

You held on for so long

What did you suffer for?

I know there is a plan

Heavenly Father put in place

When we follow His plan

We’re welcomed by His grace

I’m sure you were welcomed home

By those who’ve gone before

I know you weren’t alone

Met at Heavens door

You left behind a family

Who have loved you all along

All those friends and family

Trying now to be strong

Things will never be the same

We’ll take them day by day

Life is always full of change

I know you couldn’t stay

Our lives will keep on going

So much you’re gonna miss

As your family keeps on growing

To make you proud, our only wish

You are not going to be there

For my wedding day

This doesn’t seem very fair

Who’ll give your girl away?

I wasn’t ready for you to go

I never said goodbye

Tried to show you I loved you so

Why did you have to die?

I’m thankful for the gospel plan

Gift of the atonement too

I’m going to do all I can

To gain eternity with you

You left us all too early in life

I guess there’s work for us to do

You left us all with heartache and strife

Our love we’ll always feel for you

I’m holding onto memories

Locking them into my heart

Love will be the only keys

Unlocking a flood of memories to start

Things may get easier in time

As we go about our days

Finding a rhythm and our rhyme

Love for you to light the way

Thanks for all you taught me

Helping me to learn and grow

Showing me who I could be

Inspiring me more than I now know

We were different, yet alike

Had our ups and downs

Like learning to ride a bike

It was easier when you were around

I’m grateful for our Savior

Taking our sins and pains

By acceptance in the Savior

I’ll be with you again

Time will heal our hearts

Life goes on and on

With each day comes a new start

 Your memory will live on

Thank you daddy for everything

I’m a stronger woman now

You would’ve given me anything

Even If you didn’t know how

Faith makes me stronger

I’ve got a life to live yet

Your loss makes the days feel longer

It’s you I’ll never forget

I am me because of you

When all was said and done

I really hope you knew

Daddy you were my number one

Renee L Conaway 2/15-16/2014

Bubbles from Heaven

So I had planned several weeks ago to go to Disneyland yesterday. Then when my dad passed on Fri I wasn't sure anymore about going. I spoke to my family about cancelling my plans and they asked me why? It almost didn't seem right for me to be going despite everything that had happened and during all the mourning etc. I also spoke to several of my friends, and they all seemed to have the same response...why shouldn't I go?.... so after much deliberation and a lot of much needed support and encouragement I decided I would go. My friend Tami who I had planned to go with was very considerate of the situation and waited for me to complete the meeting at the mortuary with my family and we left in the early afternoon for an evening at the parks. When we arrived and I got out of her car I walked towards the trunk and as I got to the rear of the car there was a bubble.... anyway I saw this bubble and I looked around. I didn't see anybody within close proximity to where I was and there definitely was only the 1 bubble. It was really odd but it made me smile and feel comforted. It kind of told me I would be ok.... anyway my sisters and I had a private viewing tonight at the mortuary to say our last goodbyes prior to the cremation. It was rough. After we each had our moment alone with Dad we all went in together. Denise asked me about saying a prayer and I was pretty emotional so she offered to say one instead. It was beautiful. In it she mentioned being sent "tokens" to remind us he is still with us and I remembered my bubble. Although they sell bubble guns at the parks and there are usually bubbles there, yesterday it seemed that after the incident I noticed them more frequently. Each time I got a text or something that made me a little emotional or close to tears etc it seemed like more bubbles would cross my path.... so tonight I wrote a poem:

A single bubble floated on down

Yet its source couldn’t be found

I knew it had to come from you

Seemed like the kind of thing you’d do

Such a simple, meaningful sign

Letting me know I’d be ok in time

I saw more bubbles the rest of the day

They spoke to me as if to say

Renee, I’m here up above

Sending bubbles filled with love

So you’ll know I’m watching you

Very proud of the things you’ll do

A little token from the skies

A tear of remembrance in your eyes

As times go on during things you’ll do

Bubbles will be sent just for you

A little reminder of my love

Bubbles from Heaven up above. 

2014 Sucks....

THis year has been less than perfect, less than wonderful.... less than anything good for my family so far! It started out alright.... then went downhill from there..... let me expand on that, i think I am going to do it in a brief timeline type of post....

As I said the year started out great (for me anyway) I was able to go on vacation (i had planned to blog about it, but as you'll soon read since I have been home I haven't exactly gotten the chance to. I will give as brief description here though). I hadn't taken a vacation since the summer of 2012  when I went to Washington DC for a week and visited with COllin and also got to see Sharon. 

Fri Jan3rd my friend Julie and I (along with her kids and her dogs) left early in the morning and began what ended up being a 19 hour drive to Kent, Washington. This was the start of my vacation. (I love road trips) we had a blast and I enjoyed that drive. It was nice and cold in WA. I was excited because not only had I not been on vacation in a year and a half, but I was actually getting winter weather! It was in the 40s in Wa that weekend. I was there with Julie until Mon afternoon. DUring the weekend I got to go to the Snowqualmie Falls, the Seattle Space Needle and on what I called a "frozen hike" because there was ice and snow on the ground. 

Mon Jan 6th in the evening, I flew from Seattle into Bend, Or where I was greeted by Collin and got to spend the rest of the week there. I was able to do a lot of sightseeing both with him in the evening as well as during the days while he was at work. We did a night hike to the Benham falls in the rain.  I got to go to the high desert museum with his parents,  I went to Drake park, it snowed once so i made a  tiny snowman.  On that morning (6th)my sister Denise had bariatric surgery... THe surgery went really well and things were good. I was in Or until Fri 10th when I flew home that evening... this was the start of the year from h-e---- you know the rest

Fri Jan 10th, while I was at the airport etc Denise was texting with me. SHe was in a lot of pain at her surgeyr site and was going to the emergency room. SHe ended up basically being there all night as they ran tests, spoke with the surgeon etc. They had determined that she had over-exerted herself that first week and thankfully she was ok. As they had to cut through some of her muscles for the procedure, in over exerting herself she may have torn some a little more.... :(

**Sometime either while I was on vacation or the next week, my brother in law Neal had been to the doctor for knee pain. He was told he had popliteal fascitis, given anti-inflammatories and started feeling better...
that is until FRI Jan 17th the pain had returned (these details may be a little choppy, out of order etc, but you'll get the jist) so he spoke to the dr again and was sent for an ultra-sound, which he was told to return to the dr for those results... he was in so much pain though (or something, again may be choppy) and instead of returning to the dr office he went straight to the emergency room. They diagnosed him with actually having a DVT (aka blood clot) in his leg. He got put onto blood thinners and told to stay off of his leg, etc... he went home again,,,,

SUN Jan 19th Neal woke up and tried to take his morning shower as usual and within a  min or two was completely out of breath... Since Denise was still recovering from her recent surgery a good friend of theirs took him to the ER again and the friends wife took Denise up a little bit later. It turns out some of the clots (he ended up having several) had moved and travelled up into his lungs... he now had a pulmonary embolism (which if not diagnosed or treated can be deadly...in fact if he hadn't reacted to the shortness of breath, he could've died) That night the vascular surgeon came in and they placed a "filter" in his leg in order to prevent any additional clots from moving into his chest. The rest will all dissolve with the blood thinners he is now taking on a regular basis. He spent 2 days in the hospital and is still recovering from the clots. 

 FRI Jan 24th my mom calls me first thing in the morning before I've left for work. My dad passed out and is lying on the floor. He is responsive but she can't lift him etc. I told her to call 911 and that way the medics can come make sure everything is ok and they can transport him. They won't take him directly to the V.A. like he would normally go to, but they would stabilize him and transport when he could go. I called out for work and went to my moms house right away. Turns out he had an internal bleed. Within 24 hours of his arrival at the hospital he was given 5 units of blood and 3 units of plasma. He spent several days in the ICU and then was transferred to the telemetry unit. This same weekend my friend Carla was in the hospital from Sun-Tues for ulcers during her pregnancy. SO I was visiting dad and her.

**dad stayed in the hospital**

Sun FEB 2nd Neal is having severe pain in the leg where they did the operation to plave the filter. Initially he felt that Denise can take him into the ER but by the time she went upstairs to get shoes on and came back downstairs he was worse and they called 911 to get him taken in. (*again Dad is still at the hospital and his condition hasn't changed, in fact it got worse, while they were treating his bleed etc they were neglecting his normal medical conditions and he ended up retaining water and was having symptoms from his CHF* but they weren't listening to my mom and neglected to call in cardiologists for the first week and a half he was there, there had been another incident too, but I won't get into that tonight either) As for Neal they kept him overnight helped relieve the pain, ran ultra sounds etc and everything came back ok. They weren't sure why he had the pain but it resolved and he was able to return home again.

**dad is still in hospital**

THURS Feb 6th while I am at the hospital with my mom and visiting my dad, my aunt Linda calls. My grandma (who had been in the serious-almost fatal- car accident last summer) had passed out at home and initially was unresponsive, The paramedics were called and she was being taken in. My grandma spent 2 days in the hospital out in the antelope valley. They ran tests etc but never found the cause but she was at a point where she could get around without getting dizzy etc so they sent her home Sat night or Sun morning. 

TUES Feb 11th after 19days they released my dad from the hospital. Nobody felt he was ready, he even told me that night he was only feeling 50/50 but he was miserable at the hospital and wanted to go home. It was hard because he was still weak and needing help with a lot but my mom wasn't going to force him to stay when he really wanted to be home. 

So now if you've been keeping track I had 4 family members in the hospital in 5 weeks. One was there for long term, one was a "repeat offender" and as it turned out it was every weekend! This weekend we were hoping for a break.... we had decided 2014 had already given our family enough trials and we were trying to be optimistic....

Fri Feb 14th .... this is where it gets really hard!!! I had gotten off work a little early and so I was back in town a little earlier than normal. I met up with a friend at the bowling alley where she was watching her granddaughter bowl. As I was walking out to my car to go home and get some stuff for my evening my mom called me.... all I could hear was screaming in the background. SHe managed to tell me my dad was unresponsive and i asked if she called 911, she didn 't answer other than to yell at me to "GET HOME NOW" and in the background she's hollering "BREATHE BREATHE" I wasn't getting any response from her and I was driving as fast and as safe as I could freaking out all the while. Half way home the lone went dead... i got to my parents street, the paramedics, 2 fire engines and Simi PD were all there. I had to park half way up the street, i got out and I RAN to the house. 
My neighbors were there and my mom was freaking out. SHe was saying that they told her to get him off the bed and he smacked his head, she was trying to do compressions and couldnt get his chest to move. My nephews told me they called 9-1-1 and were trying to help papa breathe (turned out the 5 year old is the one who found him) When he told grandma (my mom) he and his 7 year old brother called 9-1-1 and the operator eventually talked to my mom. 

THe medics and fire dept worked on my dad for ??? amount of time. THey were doing CPR, got the I.V. line and his airway secured. His pacemaker was firing, but the heart was not responding.... they pronounced my dad around 5:15 pm.... so much for one weekend of good health.....

THe past couple days have been filled with a lot of tears.... some conversations about funeral arrangements and all the normal emotions of losing a family member. THis has not been an easy time for any of us. Although the past 8 years have been filled with medical problems for my dad, even several close calls (including them saving his life with CPR before) and many rare conditions that they told us would kill him he always survived. SO although we have been blessed with these past 8 years, and we knew he wouldn't live forever... this came as a shock! Turns out while recently hospitialized he told my mom "if i'm going to die I want it to be at home, not here" ... from what we can tell he knew it was time and went peacefully in his sleep. My dad has had to sleep with a cpap machine for many many years now. He ALWAYS has it on if he is in bed. He had wanted to go and take a nap before dinner so (about 45 min before she called me) my mom helped him into bed, got the pillows under his head and he was putting on the cpap when she left him.... when my nephew found him the cpap was off, and the pillows were not under his head..... It was his time. 

It is comforting having a knowledge of the gospel. KNowing that in time I will get to see him again and he will be at peace. THat he will no longer be suffering or in pain. THis time we are struggling now, we have to find comfort in that. He is with loved ones who have passed before. My grandparents, an uncle, family friends etc. There are many who I am sure welcomed him home to Heavenly Father's presence

Right now we are working on the arrangements. Nothing is finalized yet but we know some of what the plans are going to be. We have a tentative date in mind if we can get all the arrangements coordinated for that date. He will be cremated (which was his wish) but the services will include military honors. We will get the Marines color guard for the flag etc. There is so much to coordinate and we are starting that stuff tomorrow. Due to the holiday tomorrow though the V.A./military connections are unavailable. So we havent set anything certain yet. We also have family and friends who will need to make travel arrangements for the services... it's a lot to figure out.... I do know though that it isn't easy

Back in 2012 I wrote a poem for my dad I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you cna look back on my blog to read it if you'd like) it was a poem trying to show my dad he was loved. Letting him know that despite anything else I loved him. Trying to show him he needed to love himself enough to fight for his life as long as he could. That he needed to realize his self worth in order to try and get himself healthier etc... well in the past 2 days I have now added to that poem. I plan to read it in it's entirety at the services. I will start with the initial poem and  then share the adddition I wrote now that he has passed. It won't be easy but I think it is how I can say something. I know I will be crying like crazy but I will do my best to speak clearly... I will probably share the addition on here sometime after the services. For now this is my year in review thru the first month & a half..... like I said at the beginning IT SUCKS!! (other than my vacation) 

We've been so blessed at this time with love and support from so many people.  Via text,  calls,  Facebook and especially personal visits.  Thank you all so much for everything.  The food the flowers and the prayers.  We need it.  This is yet another trial for my family and we'll grow stronger from it.  

A Journey

So someone I know was recently preparing for weight loss surgery (they have since had the operation and so far are doing ok, not quite 2 weeks post op) and prior to their surgery they and I have been talking a lot. We actually talk a lot anyway. We're close. I love this person a lot. I don't want to put them on the spot here but they know who they are, and anyone who is close know who they are as well. They also know that this person had the procedure so I don't need to call them out on my blog. Unless they ok it. Anyway this person and I would share recipes that we like. They would have me over for dinner and vice versa. Especially when trying new recipes or making healthier options. As I am on my own weight loss journey we share info! Thye had asked me if I had considered the surgery months ago and since I was having so much success I opted to continue on my own path. As it turns out my Dr has told me how proud he was of my progress on my own and has encouraged me to continue without surgery as long as I can. I am now down 50# which is = to 16.46% of my body weight so far! I know that I have more to go but I am ready to take on the next goal! ANyway this other person and I were talking one night prior to their surgery and the next day at work our computers were down so I had some "free time". I started writing and came up with this poem. It was/is dedicated to that person, but in reality can be related to anybody really! 

A JOURNEY

We're travelling different paths

But our destination is the same

It may go fast, it may go slow

We'll  both get there, our own way

People always have advice

On the best route to take

But the journey always changes

It never stays the same

What may be smooth for me

May have pot holes and gravel for you

We have to enjoy the ride

No matter how it goes

You may come across a simple bump

That feels like a mountain to me

Nobody really knows

Individually what we each need

There is a plan in store

A way to reach our goals

We can support each other

Whatever it may take

I won't know all your struggles

You may not understand mine

There's still a way to connect

As we listen to our hearts

We will find the words to say

The strength to get us through

Good luck on your journey

I'm on a journey of my own

I'll help you, if you'll help me

It's what sister's do! 

Twas The Scavenger Hunt before the gift....

So for Christmas my family and I all went in together on one larger/more expensive gift for my sister Denise and Brother in Law Neal. I felt kind of bad that they would only have one gift to share to open on Christmas day when the rest of us would have several. So I volunteered to create a scavenger hunt of clues so that before they got and opened their gift there would be some fun. That way there was a little more focus on the love we have for them and not just on it being a solo gift. I ended up doing the clues in the form of a poem....

Twas the morning of Christmas, all through the house

Presents are scattered, and hiding about

The gifts they are hiding, some here and some there

And clues they are carrying, find them anywhere

The first is hiding snug in a bed,

Where 4-legs are found while Slenskers rest their heads

Denise in her ‘kerchief, Neal in his cap

Kristie had just settled down for a long winter’s nap

When out on the lawn there arose a meal platter

Where this clue is hiding you won’t need a ladder

Thru the dog window Koda flew like a flash

Looks out the front shutters at Frosty’s sash

Moon on the breast of frosty’s wife made of snow

Gave luster of hidden objects below

When, what to your wandering eyes should appear

Near a miniature sleigh, and tiny reindeer,

A little old driver, so lively and quick

Your next clue is hiding near Ol Saint Nick

More rapid than eagles, This clue’s not the same

For where it’s hiding represents your name

Now Dasher, now Dancer! Now Prancer, and Vixen

On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen

Near the top of the stairs, not the top of the wall

Now Dash away, dash away, dash away all

As Nerf bullets before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, they shoot for the sky

So up to the stair-top the nephews they flew

With a room full of couches and Nintendo Wii too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound

He dresses all classy, from his head to his foot

His clothes are a polo, and pants rarely have soot

A backpack of electronics, he flings on his back

He’s clearly a nerd, as seen if you open his pack.

Her eyes how they twinkled, His dimples how merry

Her cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry

Honeymoon photos with mouths drawn up like bows

The water was clear, no sign of white snow

You won’t really crack any nuts in his teeth

A ring it encircles his feet like a wreath

He has a moustache, and wears a belt around his belly

I don’t know what to say for bowl full of jelly

We’re all chubby and plump, like a jolly old elf

I laughed when I read about visitors on your “love” shelf

Windex in hand and a twist of his head

Neal took care of the problem, Denise had nothing to dread

Neal spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Denise took a shower, then turned with a jerk.

Around the corner Koda poked his nose

After Denise says no, away he goes

You don’t have a sleigh, there’s a horn not a whistle

Away you shall fly like the down of a thistle

But ill hear you exclaim, if you drive out of sight

Happy Christmas to all, hope it’s not a cold night!

In case you're wondering here is where the gifts/clues were hidden:

1) wrapped under the tree

2) Koda's bed (their dog)

3)BBQ in the backyard

4)Snowwoman on the front porch

5)A Santa in sleigh decor they had by their staircase

6)On their landing upstairs they have a decor "S" in the hallway 

7)In the loft with the dvds/wii games

8)Fireplace

9)Neal's Closet (but they checked his backpack first hehe)

10) In their "relax" room where they have honeymoon photos

11)On their Nutcracker statue

12) They have a shelf in the living room where they write notes to each other

13)Master bathroom in the shower

14) the gift was wrapped and left in the bed of their truck in the garage

Poem for a friend

So for Christmas I decided I wanted to do something a little more personal for a friend of mine for their gift. I didn't want to post it until I was able to share it with that particular person. Now that they've had a chance to see it I am going to post it. There are some people who read my blog who will know who it went to. Others I am sorry but I am not disclosing that information. I will let you all know that they really enjoyed it!

I don't know where to start

I want to share what’s in my heart

Our friendship started when we were young

It didn’t take long and I was sprung

It went slow until our senior year

Than things really grew from there

I don’t know what drew me in

How it happened, or exactly when

I don’t recall the words we said,

But I’m thankful for the roads we’ve tread

For a true friend in you I’ve found

Never a dull moment when you’re around

Some think friendships are hard

So they fight and put up a guard

With you it’s easy to be myself

I don’t have to hide feelings on a shelf

These 22 years have flown on by

Comes so easy without having to try

I love that you’re always there for me

You’re the kind of friend I hope to be

You inspire me to be my best

Help me overcome any life test

I’m lucky to call you my best friend

I hope that never comes to an end

It’s amazing how things work out

When we learn what it’s all about

The moment when it all comes true

A friend who’s there through and through

It’s a blessing I am thankful for

I could never ask for anything more

You’re supportive, loving and kind

Uplifting to my spirit, heart and mind

Truly an angel in disguise

          Your friendship is my ultimate prize

          Thank you for being who you are

          Strong and simply wondrous by far

          I can never find the right words to say

Showing how you light the way

In every smile you start a spark

That can illuminate the very dark

Thank you for the joy you bring

Friendship, love and everything

This poem was only a start

Sharing the words straight from my heart

Our friendship started when we were young

When we’re old, I’ll still be sprung.

big changes in a smaller package

It's amazing to make and look at comparisons like this.  The photo on the left was in early June when I had barely started my weight loss transformation.  I had just moved in March into my current location and finally gotten settled where I was comfortable and able to focus on my life where I needed to.  The right side was the end of September when my mom was hospitalized.  I knew that my body was changing,  that I was giving away clothes like crazy but sometimes you don't really see it until you do something like this and can really see/compare then and now.  Kicking butt & taking names!!

Feeling Proud

Wow! Well it has now been about 2 months since my last post, and in those 2 months I’ve only lost another 11#. But they weren’t easy to lose. They were also amidst several weekends of travel, plus one weekday travel trip for work. So it was hard sometimes to stay within daily calorie ranges. It was also during some time when I was sick. I had almost 2 weeks where I had a severe sinus infection and was just miserable, so working out was NOT on the agenda. Then as I started to feel better and was trying to work out again I injured my foot and couldn’t even wear a shoe from the swelling, let alone walk or work out in any way. So not that I am back to mostly feeling better the colder weather is aggravating my knee! I haven’t been able to do as much as I would like but I have been doing what I can still so that I am not ignoring my opportunities. I am just making sure to take advantage whenever I can and icing after. Things are starting to pick up again. Hopefully I can keep it up.

          I am now just shy of 50# of weight loss. It’s incredible to think I have had so much success and on my own! It’s amazing to look in the mirror sometimes in the morning and have to change my outfit because what I put on is just too baggy now. I need belts something crazy but I hate wearing them, so I frequently have to pull up my pants! Today I put on what used to be one of my favorite dresses, and it too is pretty much too big. I wore it anyway, kinda one last hoorah so to speak. I almost cried looking in the mirror because it hung down beautifully below my bust line instead of from my stomach. I know that it’s exciting to be shrinking out of my clothes but it’s hard too! It’s hard when my “go to” clothes are now being given away and I don’t really have anything new to wear. I have gotten some new stuff from some friends and I picked up some shirts off the clearance rack during the summer, but it’s an adjustment overall. I am just not used to this!  Nothing is quite like my old “go to” clothes. I guess in time I will have new ones. There have also been some tops that I don’t necessarily want to give away so I have to alter stuff! That’s actually kind of fun and exciting too!

          I was talking on the phone this week to a friend who really helped remind me of the progress I am making. It was nice to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and understands how it is to not only be heavy but to deal with the changes that come from weight loss. I still struggle sometimes emotionally from the whole thing. It’s unusual for me. I have been on the heavy side for so long it’s hard for me to get used to being smaller. The thing is I am smaller, but still not “skinny” or “small” by any means! I am still in the “obese” category on the scale, I am still wearing plus size clothing and so it’s hard to look in the mirror and see that I am much smaller, and that my clothes are too big, but still see that I am also still too big.

          I have told my close friends that if I am still calling myself “fat” or saying inappropriate things about my body or body image once I get down closer to my goal weight they better smack me! I get really bothered by beautiful women I know who are not large by any means (in my eyes for sure) when they say they need to lose weight or are unhappy with their body image. I am hoping that eventually as I continue to lose weight and clothing sizes that I can lose some of my negative body imaging as well. I am not sure how that works though. I am not sure how to keep my negative emotions losing right along with the other stuff. The funny thing is, although I have never been happy about being overweight, I have not let it affect who I am or how I treat myself or my friends. I have worked hard at being happy no matter how I looked or felt about myself and I know I can continue with that, but then I have moments like today where it’s hard to see the changes and yet then be slightly discouraged knowing I am far from where I ultimately need to be.

It is incredible to have people comment on the changes I have made. To have those close to me who I love and trust acknowledge and share that they can see it. I too can see it the majority of the time. Why can’t major life changes like this be easier? It has been such a blessing to be so successful. When I had my foot problems recently and I saw my doctor he noticed too on my records from last December when I was in until that recent visit the difference on the scale. I told him it was mostly from Mid-May until current so as he continued to look he saw where I was in June and was able to see what I was saying. We talked a bit about how I know someone who is preparing for weight loss surgery. I had told the person at the time that I didn’t want to do that unless I really got stuck and was feeling I just couldn’t do it anymore on my own. I told that person that I was proud of the way things were going especially since I was doing it on my own and not through some program or otherwise. I love that I am finally actually making the changes within myself and my eating habits that were changing me and my life-permanently! He agreed. He told me that I have already lost more on my own than most people prior to surgery. He said that I could discuss it with him if I felt I wanted the surgery down the road but he encouraged me to continue doing what I was and take it from there. Those are the moments I am most proud!

I think that’s the key!... I AM proud of myself! I think until right now I hadn’t really said that! I don’t think I really thought of that before. I had others tell me they were proud of me, but I don’t think I realized I was proud of myself. I shared a snippet of this on my Facebook a bit ago and got a few comments already. Then a friend of mine texted me about what I shared. I reassured her that overall I had been working on a more positive blog post than it maybe seemed in the snippet shared. She reminded me to remember this is a journey, and to recognize how far I really have traveled already, even though it looks like there is too much ahead to conquer. I know I can do it! I started small and am continuing to make small goals so that I don’t oversee the progress. I know that I have come a long way. Only myself and a very few other people really know how much I have to lose, but I do know I have made a tremendous start. After all I have lost 15.46% of my body weight!

Everyone asks me if I am feeling better now. They ask if my knee is hurting less etc. For the most part it doesn’t feel as if anything has changed. I know that seems weird but it’s just how I am feeling. My knee still hurts and my labs etc were all normal before.  I wasn’t having major health problems (yet) so it’s hard to say that I’m feeling “better” I know I am better though. I know that with each pound I am taking pressure off my knee. I know that as I continue to lose I am decreasing my risk of diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, and many other issues that luckily I didn’t have to face. So I guess I am feeling better in the sense that I still feel well health wise, and it’s going to continue to improve!

So things are going great. Slower than I would prefer but overall it’s been a good ride. It’s incredible to be having success, especially being able to do it on my own (with the love and support of family and friends of course) but basically by knowing who I am and making the personal changes that were within my power. As I continue to lose I will continue to make new changes. It’s a blessing to be able to eat healthier, smaller portions and really feel full. I really know now that I am capable of doing this.  I will continue down this road and not be disappointed in set backs, because I know that each one will push me to work harder and be smarter. I know that this is a race I started on my own and I know that I can reach the finish line. What an incredible feeling! 

a picture is worth. ...

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