Friendly Vs Flirting

I have always been a friendly person. I like to talk and joke and laugh. I have no problem talking to girls or guys, younger or older. I have been this way since I can remember. I can be a little quiet and reserved at first until I get to know a few people and start to feel more comfortable. Then look out world Renee is gonna have fun. I am friends with a lot of the families in church and most of those relationships started because I love kids! I think I started by acknowledging their cute children and naturally had to get to know the parents (who as it turns out, are just as cool as the kiddos) I also talk to a lot of the elderly I know in my life. They have a lot more experience than I do, and I love to hear their stories and learn from their examples.

I am a person who can be in most circumstances and look for the good. I can be at a party and the only sober one, but still laughing and joking and mostly having fun. I sing karaoke and make a fool of myself and don’t really care. People ask me all the time if I want to sing in the choir at church (or why I am not singing) and it’s because I don’t feel confident enough to do so. I know that the people there are talented and I don’t see that in myself. I don’t know how to read music. I don’t know the difference between key of E or key of G or … (any of them) I just want to have fun. I usually do have fun too! Karaoke is fun for me. I can make a fool of myself and I learn not to sing that song again! Or I can do alright on a song and get some compliments and know I should add it to my list of songs to sing.

The thing that gets me though is that sometimes my friendliness is mistaken for flirting. I don’t really know how to solve that problem. I am not going to ignore people just because they’re the opposite sex. I am a friendly person. In fact if I like someone, it actually makes it harder for me to talk to them. I am afraid to embarrass myself. I blush SUPER easy and am afraid that something will be said that will give it all away! But I have had some close friends say that I am flirty. I guess I don’t really know where the line is drawn between the two, because I don’t feel as if I am being flirty in most situations where I am being accused. So if this is the case with someone who might be reading this I am sorry. It really is unintentional.

I had someone tell me recently that someone told them I liked their husband because I talk to him etc. Luckily she knows me well enough to know that isn’t the case. I appreciate her telling me though, but it makes me wonder why someone would say that? I talk to him and a lot of other people in the same situation. If I am passing someone in the hall I typically say hello. I treat him the same as I treat several other people in the same scenario. It doesn’t make sense to me why someone would accuse me of that. I have a lot of respect for the bonds of matrimony! I have a lot of respect even for someone that I know is dating someone else. I would NEVER try to jeopardize someone else’s relationship despite any feelings of my own. If you go back a few blog posts and read my poem “Untouchable” it’s about exactly what I am saying now. I wouldn’t want someone to try to form a relationship with a guy I am dating/married to etc. so I would never do that to a guy who I know is in one! But it doesn’t mean I won’t talk to that guy. It doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with that guy. I think that every relationship needs to have an element of trust.  Again, If I have crossed any lines for this topic I am sorry. I promise that it’s completely unintentional. Even the guy involved in this specific case told me not to worry about it.  He told me that he enjoys talking to me and that if someone was to say something to him specifically HE would tell them it’s not true. I appreciated that. Even though I am still hurt that someone would spread the rumor in the first place.

I prefer it when people are honest with me. I would much rather you tell me the truth about something than to let it go and be bothered by it. I would rather know and be able to work on a solution or compromise than to be offending anyone unknowingly. So if my friendliness is coming on a little strong, please don’t hesitate to tell me to “settle down” a little bit. It may hurt just a tad but I would rather try to be more careful than to lose the friendship all together. I think that for me being overweight has caused me to have a little bit of a lower self esteem naturally. But at the same time I am working on that. I am really starting to remind myself that my body doesn’t define who I am. (You can read about that in my Valentines Day post “Simply Single” So now when I do step outside my comfort zone I think that it is misunderstood.  Maybe that’s why I’ve become overly friendly sometimes! I do like to have fun and make new friends and hang out. I like to feel like I “fit in”. It’s comforting to know that someday I will find my “Mr. Right” as far as I can tell he isn’t in my life yet. If it is someone I already know, I have no idea who it is! For now I am enjoying being me. I am working on loosing weight and trying to be healthier. I am enjoying my independence and trying to be a better me. I want to be the best that I can be so that I am ready to give myself 100% to the guy of my dreams. I think that is all I can do. So I am going to continue being friendly. I am going to continue to be who I am and if someone has a problem with that I hope that they are the kind of person who will come to ME about it. I hope that they will be honest with ME. Don’t say things that you don’t know or understand. I am (in my eyes at least) being friendly and not flirting probably more often than not! … well that’s my vent for the night. 

Simply Single

 Single on Valentines day yet again... But remind me why this is a bad thing? I mean, it's not that I don't wish I had a significant other to share it with, but when it comes down to it I need to lose weight so chocolates are not good. I have more stuffed animals than I need so I don't need any more of those and although fresh flowers smell and look beautiful today, they won't be as fresh in a week (nor would they be as expensive). So it wasn't a "bad" day for me really. But then again, never having had a significant other on Valentines day I guess I have nothing to compare it to. I do remember one Valentines day I had an appointment with my surgeon to get stitches removed from my wrist, and another Valentines Day I spent with my friends Collin and Remy and we had Togo's for lunch and went for a drive (Collin's car was fairly new at the time I believe, and since it's an '04, it was maybe 2005 when that happened) so I haven't always been home alone.  It's nice to know that I don't have to fight crowds and long waits to have dinner tonight. I don't have to feel pressured to "go out" tonight.

I really am blessed though, I don't really have much experience in the dating scene or in any real relationships and although sometimes that can be a bit depressing. I really do know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends and family and I have some friends that have been by my side for a long long time and I know that if I were to call them I could cry on their shoulder! I don't understand how some women feel the need to always be with someone. How they focus their lives on being in a relationship. I cannot wait to get married and have a family someday but I am quite capable of being on my own. It's reassuring knowing that I can take care of things on my own. That I know how to assemble furniture, and to do household repairs. I like knowing how to work on my car and maybe that makes me a little bit of a Tom-boy but who cares? I like the NHRA Drag races and classic cars. Some girls like watching sports with their boyfriends/husbands and some are annoyed by their significant others being into that kind of stuff. I am ok with it! I know that I have things I enjoy that my future spouse may not like and vice-versa but there is nothing wrong with that. It'll be nice to have some levels of independance. It'll be nice to enjoy things together like fishing and hiking and camping, but to let him watch the game with the guys. (Unless its the Dodgers I like going to their games... on TV he can watch alone)

I feel as if my thoughts on this post are a little scattered or jumbled, but mostly I wanted to say Happy Valentines Day to all my friends and family. Thanks for loving me and making sure that I know I am loved. I don't feel sad that I am "alone" because I know that I am a Daughter of God and I know that someday it will happen that I will be in a relationship with someone who may not be perfect, but who will be perfect for me and we will both be able to enjoy the day together. In the meantime, I wore a cute red top today (and it did get noticed by a few people, one being a guy) and I felt confident and happy. That's all that really matters if you ask me. That is one thing that has happened in my life in the past few years. I have become a lot more confident. I have really started to notice who I am even more than before and although I do more frequently wear make-up than I used to, I still wear it minimally. But I have found that balance to make sure I feel beautiful enough to face everyday as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. It's given me confidence and I know that it's helped me to make new friends and to really appreciate myself and to not be so negative about the things I don't like about me. Thus making me love myself. That's the first step right? Love myself so that others can love me and I can love them?

So no, it's not a bad thing that I am single still this year. Who knows maybe with all this beauty and confidence, this will be my lucky year... if not I still have those friends and family and will still work on nto letting Valentine's Day get me down.

Back to the beginning

Well the time is almost here... tomorrow afternoon I will meet my newest orthopedic doctor for my knee. I cannot lie, I am starting to freak out a little bit. This is something I have known was coming but to some degree was avoiding. I knew that my knee was getting worse, but I kept thinking I would do what I could to lose weight first and I would do what I could to show that I am doing all I can to make it better. But the longer it's been the harder its becoming. I am watching my portions on food and trying to cook healthier, I pack my lunches for work, and although I am not perfect I really have been trying to be better about what I am eating. I try to walk and do as much as I can. Sometimes more than I should. Yet my weight is still up and my knee is worse. I tried to blame it on the colder weather thinking that in time it would settle down again and I could do more... but then a few weeks ago I had a really bad night. (I've actually had several bad days/nights but ignored them or tried not to let people know, but that night I got caught in a moment of pain and couldn't hide it) 

Part of my hesitation aside from trying to do other things first knowing they would help, was knowing I had to start over. Knowing that once again my insurance has changed and so I had to start at the beginning. I had to make an appointment with my primary physician, then get the referral to the ortho. I really like my new primary physician though, and in meeting with him I got to talk about some other stuff that was helpful. Now tomorrow is the "big day". I know where it's leading. They are going to want to probably get a new MRI (not fun) and they're going to push and prod and poke and I am not looking forward to it. Nothing like them making your knee do stuff that hurts to make it hurt worse. I would take a pain pill before the appointment to help it but I want them to know how much it does hurt. How I start limping before I can finish walking thru a store. How despite having a cool wheelchair & typically shorter lines I would prefer to stand and walk at Disneyland. I miss the hiking and playing sports and being able to walk on the sand at the beach. I want to be able to go ice skating and to go places without being uncomfortable. I haven't been able to bowl in years because the last time I went I was miserable for 2 weeks after! I want to be able to wear heels again (not tall ones, but I am sick of flats) I want to be able to play with my nephews, pick them up and spin them around without worrying about my knee giving out and droppping them. 

I hate the fact that I am experiencing new symptoms. Pain in parts of my knee that didn't hurt before! Pain that I don't know how to describe in order to tell them what is going on. I hate that I cannot sit on a chair comfortably, or on the floor, or the pew at church. Or get comfortable in bed. I hate that no matter what I am either uncomfortable, in pain or will be after I am done with whatever I was doing or how I was sitting. I hate that I have to stand at the copier at work like a flamingo because I don't want to stand and put weight on my leg because I am sore. I hate that when I try and do my old physical therapy exercises I cannot do them anymore because of the pain. 

I wonder what's going to happen if I have surgery again. I hope I can get the time off work and not lose my job. I really do enjoy my new office. I am barely getting by on my pay but I am making it work. I sort of watched "Annie" today at work (I say sorta because I put on a movie but am mostly listen to it while working not really watching it) All I can think about is the song when she gets to the house and she sings "I think Im going to like it here" I really do finally feel like I fit in at work...  I have been making friends and am thankful for the opportunities I have had thus far and am looking forward to new experiences in the future thanks to my new friends and coworkers.

I wonder how I am going to get up and down the stairs at my new place if I have surgery again. It won't be easy that's for sure! I wonder if tomorrow he is going to tell me to start using a cane or crutches again (even temporarily) or if he will give me a brace again. I don't like to draw attention to myself and a few of my coworkers have already learned about my knee stuff. I don't want to have to be obvious about it. I really don't like it. So although I am hopeful that maybe I can finally be on the road to some sort of recovery and be able to get back to life as it once was there is a part of me that thinks it's starting to be like my wrist. I have already had 4 wrist surgeries and I can already feel the cyst is back in it again. I am starting to feel like it too is needing another visit to the Dr! I have had 3 knee surgeries! I don't want it to be like my wrist. i don't want a permanent partial disability in it! I want to be done with it! Well I should be getting to bed! I am tired and have a big day tomorrow!

LIFE

LIFE

I never imagined I’d have all this doubt

Who said that this is what life is all about?

Many people are living their wildest dreams,

Some days, I just want to scream

I really feel I’m doing by best

But I have to wonder, will I pass “the test”

I give it my all

Winter, summer, spring and fall

When all is said and done

Will I be here, or want to run?

Sometimes in times of strife,

Traveling gravel on the road of life

I get to the fork, and turn to the right

And I wonder, is this the path of light?

I live everyday for having fun

Looking for the good in everyone

I know that this is my eternal role

But am I reaching my potential goal?

I plan to keep traveling

I’ll never stop trying

I know I’ll cross the finish line

Then eternity will be mine

I’ll live with my loved ones

In celestial glory, bright as the sun

So when I’m stuck on a bad road

I’ll do what I can to lighten my load

Reach out to my Father, up in heaven

A blessing I’ll get along with a lesson

He gives me the strength

When I put forth my hand he extends the length

I grow close to my Savior, it’s easy to do

In studying scriptures and praying too

So on my road of gravel and doubt

He shows me what life is really about

Sure there are trials and lessons to learn

Ill ignite my fire and feel the burn

It’s not up to me to do all alone

He’s leading me back to His glorious throne.

So with a smile I’ll start each new day

Head out the door and be on my way.

Looking far beyond the doubt

Discovering this IS what life is about!

Renee L Conaway

1/17/2013

Untouchable

I check your desk, when you may be there

You make me smile when you’re near

You’ve made me feel better about myself

Reminding me I’m not lost on the shelf

We’ve hugged and it makes me smile

So close, yet separated by a mile

You have such a big heart it’s unbelievable

You have a girlfriend so you’re untouchable

I don’t know what I’d do

If you were available too

I’d probably still wish and wonder

About the spell I’m under

When you told me I looked beautiful

The joy I felt was wonderful

You continue to surprise me

By reminding me who I can be

I yearn to be a better person

One who can be certain

The guy she loves will love her too

Too bad it’s not untouchable you

You give me compliments I don’t know how to take

I say thanks, and pinch myself to see if I’m awake

The little things you notice and mention,

It’s hard, because I’m not used to the attention

Someday I hope to find a guy like you

Someone who’s cute and full of kindness too

Someone who makes me see how life can be

Someone who notices the beauty hidden inside of me

I would never cross an untouchable line

Instead I will wait until my time

When someone like me, finds someone like you

Then he and I will be untouchable too

Renee L Conaway

1/3/2013

Christmas Letter 2012

Merry Christmas!                                                                                    December 2012

            Well another year has come and gone! It’s incredible how much can change in just one year! Last year at this time I was waiting on some news that didn’t come until Jan so I slacked on sending out Christmas wishes! Sorry for that! This year I am trying to get back on track (although a little late)

            I want to try and keep this year’s update a little shorter so I think I am going to do it a little different and break it down by month:

JAN: I received word that I passed my backgrounds and medical evaluations and was going to be hired by the Ca Highway Patrol as a Public Safety Dispatcher. I was scheduled to start in March.

FEB: I spent my last few weeks working for the County of Ventura, in the end of 2011 there had been a lot of changes made to the maintenance department where I was working and I was glad to be leaving. I quit giving myself a little more than 2 weeks off and spent some time with family and made a trip to Northern Ca and went fishing with my cousin in my time off. It was great. I also got to spend 24 hours straight at Disneyland for Leap Day! What a once in a lifetime experience. (they’d never allowed that before and I don’t know if they’ll do it again)

MAR: I started with CHP on the 14^th, I did all my new hire paperwork, a couple days of ride-alongs with officers then traveled to Sacramento for a 3 week training course. In Sacramento I stayed at the academy where the officers are trained. It was a unique experience and taught me a lot. It was “dorm-style” living and I enjoyed the break away from home.

APR: Easter Sunday was my first shift in the dispatch center and I answered a couple 911 calls. As it turned out my trainer was out sick that day with her son in the ER so I mostly sat around. My first month of training went well and I learned a lot and enjoyed it.

MAY: I got a new trainer, she seemed a lot more intense and I began to struggle some while training but I was hanging in there, studying a lot and working on improving where she felt I had issues.

JUN: I got a 3^rd trainer (they do that so that you get different perspectives and can learn to develop your own style while understanding different styles) With this trainer I felt I was really improving. I was starting to get perfect training scores and was really learning a lot. I was handling most of the calls on my own and my trainer taught me a lot. I continued studying in down time and was really gaining some level of comfort in what I was doing as a dispatcher.

During June I also got to spend a week in the Washington DC area visiting my friend Collin. It was great to get away and see the sites. I also got to visit with Sharon and her family while there! It was a great trip! I love the history in that area and only wish I had more time since there was a lot more I could’ve done but didn’t have time for. Oh and I wish I wasn’t there during a heat wave…. Bleh! Overall it was great though! (you can read more about it on my blog:  elegyrl.blogspot.com

JUL: At the end of June after my trip I spent a week working with the training supervisor since my trainer was on vacation when I got back. In the beginning of July I was assigned a new trainer. During that last week in June the training supervisor felt I was not quite where I needed to be for dispatch. So I was given a new trainer and was put on “remedial training” From the very first call I took my new trainer didn’t like anything I was doing. She was making change every log I made then telling me I was taking too long on my calls. I felt very uncomfortable working with her and when I approached supervisors about it they said that they couldn’t do much because I was struggling anyway and that “not everyone is cut out for the job”. That week was hard for me and at the end of the week they told me they were going to do a “Rejection During Probation” I was given the option to accept the RDP or to resign. I chose the RDP and was assigned to work clerical in the Moorpark office until it went thru. After that happened, I began to feel a sense of relief.

JUL/AUG/SEP Most of July, all of Aug and Sep I was working in Moorpark. I really enjoyed my time there and learned a lot. I also learned while I was there, that I wasn’t meant to work in the Ventura Dispatch Center. I’ve learned since that time that Ventura is known for not keeping their trainees. It’s sad really but I guess I just wasn’t a fit. It’s been tough and I wish it would’ve worked out but I have gained comfort in knowing that for some reason I wasn’t meant to be there. I made some great friends in Moorpark and during that time I didn’t feel a sense of urgency in finding a new job so I didn’t apply for many. Toward the end of that time a position opened up for an office assistant in the West Valley CHP office and I applied, interviewed and got the position. I took a “voluntary demotion” from dispatch to the office assistant position and now have been there 2.5 months.

OCT: In October an old friend of mine from High School Krissy messaged me about possibly renting a place together. I told her it was tough because I just took a demotion (and paycut) at work and I didn’t know if I could afford it. But we looked to see if we could find something we could budget for. We planned a Sat for her to come down so we could look and when she did we found a place! We moved in at the end of Oct. It’s small but it’s been nice. I have had to get some help from my family financially but I am hoping after Christmas when things settle down a little bit I won’t have to ask for as much help. It’s been nice to be out on my “own”

NOV: With having moved out and found a new job, although funds are tight I have/had a lot to be grateful for!

DEC: So far so good!

Overall with being able to be working and going to church, making new friends and spending time with family this has been a great year! I love you all and am thankful for so much in my life! My knee is still giving me problems but I am trying to do what I can anyway. I am not letting it force me to be lazy. I still have my Disneyland pass and although with working Dispatch at the beginning of the year I missed a few months, I still try to go regularly. I love it! Such a fun and peaceful atmosphere! Well I think that was my year in a nutshell! I’ve grown a lot this year and although I have struggled I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me, so I am looking forward to what 2013 has to bring! –maybe a husband?

Love you all so much

Thankful

I have so much to be thankful for. Not just because it's November and Thanksgiving is coming up. I think that it is important to always count our blessings. To regularly thank Heavenly Father for the things he has given us. But I really do feel blessed beyond measure lately. I haven't been completely wonderful and happy but so far I know that I am doing alright!

I got the keys for my new place on Oct 18th and although I was able to "move-in" at that time I wasn't packed and ready to go and without my roommate Krissy being here it also meant there were a few important items I would have been missing if I had, one being a refrigerator. I did start moving some stuff though. I emptied my items out of storage and put them into the garage. I also started moving smaller less needed items. I moved my games and then my DVDs. I brought over my extra blankets and sweaters (it was still hot anyway) and little stuff like that. Then when Krissy was going to be coming down I talked to my Bishop (who also happens to be my Home Teacher at church) and arranged for him and a few other guys to help me move. I had been sick and that didn't help much but it did mean since I wasn't able to go to work I could pack a little. Being sick I didn't have the energy to get a lot done but I was working on stuff.

We officially moved in on the 26th! Then on the 28th the landlord came over and we signed our lease and gave him the first month rent check for Nov! These past two weeks have been interesting. We've been unpacking boxes and getting things put away. Finding homes for places and getting adjusted to each other and this space! It's great and we both love it but we didn't seem to realize the lack of closets (other than in the bedrooms) there are a few closet doors we had seen but until we were here we didn't know they are where the furnace and water heater are. So we've been improvising. We still really do love it here and it's going well.

I love being "on my own" obviously I have a roommate but mostly it's nice to have a quiet place to come home to. It's nice not feeling the stress and contention I had at my parents house. It's great to be able to park in a garage and just chill out. I miss my dog Medic since he didn't move with us (he could've but with the stairs and since he is getting older after talking it over with my mom we decided it's better to leave him there. Plus here there is no yards, less running around space and my nephews would miss him too & a few other things) I do have my rabbit Simba and my turtle though. Krissy has her dog Lexie here. But even that's not the same as if Medic were here. I know I made the right decision in leaving him but tonight I was over there and he kept laying his head on my lap and stayed close to me. I know he misses me just as much as I miss him!

Only hard part is that my paycheck with my "voluntary demotion" was a lot less than i was expecting so money is going to be tight. In fact it already is but that is one of the things that I am thankful for. So far despite the tight reins on my funds I am doing ok for this month. My family is really looking out for me and I was able to sell some extra furniture etc. so i'm hanging in there. I think that although it'll still be tough in the next few months too it will be a little bit easier. Unlike this month when we had to go stock a fridge and purchase cleaning supplies, a living room lamp & etc. I can budget a little better my finances. I will be able to know how much I can and cannot spend or where I need to adjust so that I can. Life is going to be tricky that way but it's still such a blessing.

I also have two potential job opportunities coming up. I had an oral interview last week with Glendale Fire Dept and depending on how I was scored/ranked I hopefully will get a second Chief's interview and go into backgrounds. If not I also have a Glendale Police Dept interview this week and it's the same thing, depending on my score/rank I can go into a secondary interview and potentially backgrounds etc. If I get one of those positions I won't start until early next year sometime but it would be a blessing for sure. I would be making more than before my demotion and I know it would be a better situation. I also know already I would love what I would be doing. I would really love to get back into dispatch. I do like the West Valley CHP office and I have gotten so familiar with my job I keep finishing and getting caught up so that I am helping the other girls or just kinda there because I am bored. It's nice to feel competant! From what i've heard the girl who was there before me had been doing it so long and everything was disorganized and cluttered. They say she never really caught up but worked at her own pace and it kept her busy... I think that it's important to work hard and even in trying to slow down i still finish early several days a week it seems. I know that is a blessing. I am thankful that I have a job, but am still hopeful to advance. Although I will miss CHP if I leave! I also applied for a dispatcher job at the Ca Science Center. I called last week and they haven't scheduled interviews or anything yet, but potentially that could be more money than CHP too, and I think it would be fun to work there. To get to see things like the Space Shuttle Endeavor everyday at work and the travelling exhibits and stuff! That would be pretty cool I think! I could also commute via the metrolink and so I would be able to save money on gas, and wear and tear for my car! It would also mean alone time to read etc instead of driving in traffic and so I could utitlize the advantages of public transportation.

Anyway I know there is a lot more to be thankful for. I know that I am thankful for many, many blessings in my life and these are but a few. But I wanted to write them down! I have a gratitude journal that I was doing so well in writing in daily but have been slacking lately. It's nice to recognize everyday the things in our lives that come from Heavenly Father. I know that even when times are tough he is looking out for me! I have seen it in many ways lately!

Looking up and forward

AHHHHH!!! Believe it or not things are getting better! It's not going to be an easy road but I am finally on a road to somewhere happier and "healthier" I am MOVING OUT! My friend Krissy and I found a condo to rent yesterday and the Owner liked us so much that he encouraged us to get our applications in quickly so he could run the checks and get back to us yesterday. We did all that and have already given him a hold deposit! We have a move-in date of Nov 1st, but since it's already empty (there were a few things left in the garage but the guy was back yesterday afternoon so they may be gone now) he said once he gets it cleaned up we can get the keys early! Not only did we find a 2 bedroom with 2 full bathrooms, we also get a 2-car garage that has lots of shelving for storage! (now we won't have to get a place or build one at my parents house) We both can bring our dogs and I can also bring my bunny! There is a washer and dryer that is only used by us and one other unit. Water and trash is included (and we have our own water heater) so we only need to get water and gas. We also get direct TV (basic package) and free wifi! The best part is it's right at what we were hoping to spend. (less would've been nice, but it's where we set our initial limit for looking) and since most of the other places we looked at for the same price had less square footage and no garage, plus no inlcluded utilities we are saving money and getting more space!

It's an upstairs unit so that will be a little tricky with my knee but I think if I take it slow I should be good. Plus for the most part I am not in/out too much so if I run my errands after work I will only have to go up/down once a day for the most part (unless carrying groceries or something) So it will be nice. I get a bigger room than I am in now, and a bigger closet. Plus some of my shelving units can hopefully go into the living room so my bedroom will be less crowded!

Krissy has a lot of the household items we'll need for the kitchen and stuff so that helps too! We will obviously have to do an initial food run and stuff and get toilet paper, soap and stuff but once we do we will be good for awhile. (only 2 of us) I can't wait! Anyway sorry for such a short post but I need to get to bed!  I will post pictures later. I have some but I am thinking I would rather share once we get moved in and it's not just an open place!

Not myself

 I think it started with my birthday (and that poem) as I began to wonder about my life, where I am and where I thought I would be by now. Things keep changing and although I have been super blessed despite my trials I have been a little "depressed" lately. I don't feel like myself and I don't like feeling this way. 

I have been frustrated with a lot of things that are happening. My knee is getting worse and so trying to lose weight is a lot harder struggle right now. I lost my dispatch job and although I got a new positieon and get to stay CHP it came with a paycut and a new office where although I have been welcomed and meeting new people I feel "lonely" I know it has only been a few days but I don't feel like I fit in. Everyone really has been nice and helpful and I was able to "jump right in" in a sense and start working because I was familiar with most of what I am doing from my time in the Moorpark office. But I am doubting myself still. I have always loved all my jobs and been happy and I know that in time I will feel at home there as well and love it too but for now I feel out of place. 

Like I said I have been blessed though, I got this job, I have had a few other interviews (that I haven't heard back from yet) and I am in the process for Glendale Fire and Glendale Police both are dispatch positions which would be great. I would love to get into another dispatch center and I feel confident I would have better results than CHP. Since I have learned (after everything that has happened) that the Ventura CHP office is kinda known for not keeping new trainees! :( 

I just feel as if although some things are going well, that my family isn't being as supportive as they could be. I know that they probably don't mean things to come off that way but it does and it sucks. Maybe it is my own insecurities about things and with being so upset about things and my life lately anyway... when i was talking to my parents about a dispatcher-clerk position that I am super excited about that is at the Ca Science Center my Dad started telling me that it isn't safe for me to be in that neighborhood especially taking the train etc (it drops off .2 mi away so I wanted to do that) ... he didn't even let me finish talking about how it is better pay and how excited I was because I love the Science Center and their travelling exhibits that come thru. Besides they're about to get the space shuttle! How amazing would that be to work and see that everyday!?! 

So then tonight as I was talking about how I got the email that I passed the exam for the Glendale jobs and get to go to their "information sessions" and take a typing test (the next step for the positions) and my sister started saying how far it is to Glendale (it's not really) and I said "well then I will move" and she started saying how expensive it is there! That's when I lost it! I commuted to Glendale before when i worked at AMR! It wasn't too bad! I know what I am doing! In fact I have been commuting since that job and I started there in 2003! I am not a stranger to having to commute! UGH! 

So needless to say that didn't help me feel much better either! I am trying so hard to be thankful for my blessings and see what is good in my life right now but it seems like all the potential blessings are being shot down by my family who should be the most supportive! Last night I assembled a new shelf thing for my room and was trying to shift some things onto it instead of another shelf I was using that didn't really fit the space and I just sat on my bed and cried. I am so tired of being at home and needing more space! I had imagined being out by now since I was finally making more money and have been better budgeting etc. Things were going so well and I lost it all! So now I am just stuck in the same tiny room that feels like it is just getting smaller. I want some room to breathe! 

I have been getting headache and earache pretty much daily for the past week or so. I also did something to my finger. I don't know if I jammed it somehow while sleeping or what, at first when it was kind of sore I thought it would go away but it's been over a week now and so I am starting to wonder! i also feel less "social". i've just been wanting to lay in bed & do nothing.I think I am just worn out. I really need a change of scenery! I am just frustrated all around! I know that I will get back to being "me" but for now I am not sure where I am! I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go, but I do know that I am ready to be out on my own and unfortunately with the paycut I cannot do that yet! At least not in So California! 33 has always been my favorite number (I don't know why though) but so far my first week being 33 hasn't been a great one! ....  I guess I have 51 more weeks togo and hopefully they'll be better!  

Growing Older

Ok so my birthday was on Tues. I had a lot of fun and went to Disneyland with my sister and a couple friends. It was great (I love Disneyland so it's always great to be there) But although I was having a lot of fun I was thinking a lot about things. I am 33 now! It's a little crazy to me! I have always liked the #33 and now that is my age. It's kind of weird. But It also made me think a lot about my life, where I am now and where I thought I would be. Mostly growing up I thought a lot about things by the time I would be 35, which is creeping up quickly. Anyway after thinking about a few things throughout the day and then hanging out talking with my friend Angela after we had gotten home it made me think some more. I came home and wrote a few lines of a poem. Then I got kind of stuck. But I know from past poems that sometimes I will be stuck for quite a while so I decided to share what I have so far. It will likely be a "to be continued" down the road. If I can finish it down the road I will re-post it in it's entirety.


Growing Older

Growing older, how can it be?
My life is so different from what I envisioned for me.
I thought about family, pets and a home.
I never thought by now I would still be alone.
I'm blessed with a job, church and great friends.
So I know this isn't how my story ends.
Sometimes I wonder have I lived just right?
When will things change, if not tonight?
All that I've hoped for, my wishes and dreams.
I feel like their stitches are ripped at the seams.
I want to keep trying to give it my all.
Put me in coach, hand me that ball,
For I know there is more to this life,
I just need to look past the heartache & strife.

....
to be cont'd