Names have been changed...

I have mentioned in a past post about how I rarely remember my dreams. It seems like I cannot usually remember them unless they are really unusual. Well in the past 2 nights I have had 2 dreams that I remember. One left me feeling pretty good and I was mad that I woke up without seeing anything more and the one last night left me kinda creeped out.... I have changed names to protect those involved! :)

Sunday night's dream:
In this dream the setting was I think my backyard... not 100% sure if it was my house or not, but I do know it was a backyard and it was a party event. Although I don't know why we were having a party. It seemed to me like I was the host of the party but I wasn't really doing much hosting either. The scene I recall from the dream was very short. So we had long rectangular tables set up in the back for the party. It was night time and dark out but there were lights or the moon or something. I don't really remember. At the end of the table was a guy I'll call "Gary" and next to him at what would be like the head of the table was a guy I'll call "Bob". Across from Gary was another guy but I don't know a name or anything about him I just know there was someone there. As I said I felt like I was hosting this party but I wasn't doing much hosting. In fact it seems like I was still having knee problems in the dream because I had some sort of new knee brace on. (It was different from the ones I currently have...) I sat down next to Gary. In front of him was a huge piece of carrot cake. It was Gary's cake. For some reason in the dream i knew that was the last piece of cake too. (but I don't know if that really has any sort of significance) so all of a sudden Bob kinda scooted his chair closer to Gary and with his hand took like half of his piece of cake and ate it. Gary didn't seem to mind and actually got his fork and started eating the cake too. So in the dream up to this point I had kinda liked Gary but witnessing this made me think that maybe Gary and Bob were a couple (yuck...) so I was kinda of sad. But around the same time my knee was getting sore and so I kinda put it up (I'm not sure on what) but I put it up right next to Gary's leg. It wasn't on his leg but I think I kinda wanted it to be, it was really close to it though. At the same time that I was putting my leg up next to Gary's,Bob walked away. As soon as he was gone Gary made a move like he was stretching/yawning (like you always see guys do in movies to put their arm around a girl) and it made me feel nice because it seemed like Gary was about to do that to me,and so I knew at that point he was not interested in Bob at all. But than all of a sudden instead of putting his arm around me he started massaging my knee. Which was what I had been wanting to do, but I hadn't wanted to draw attention to the fact that my knee was hurting. So it felt really nice and it was like he knew how I was feeling! So it was an even nicer feeling than if he had put his arm around me because it was like we were connected. ...... than I woke up!!!!! Dang it! I wanted to know what happened between Gary and I from there...... there was no conversation at all in that dream! I will say though that Gary is someone in my current life that I am interested in getting to know more about... but nobody knows really knows about him in my current life situation... so if you're reading this and know about someone I may like.... it's not who you're thinking of....


So last night dream #2:
This dream was the one that kinda creeped me out a bit... it also involves the same guy from my current life, "Gary" in this dream I had been at a friends house I'll call her "Rose"... we were hanging out with her and her close guy friend "Sean". But it was getting late so I was going to go home. On the way home I had decided to go check the clearance rack for some fabric. But I didn't go to a fabric store. It was actually the library, but in the back of the library was like a JoAnn's fabric store with all the fabric and craft stuff. But it was all connected. (I told you this one was creepy and weird) The other thing that was odd about it was once I got inside I wasn't wearing clothes anymore I had my shower towels on. It was like I had just taken a shower at Rose's house before I left for home, but didn't want to put my dirty clothes back on for the shopping. So here I was at the library/fabric store and I wanted to check the clearance rack to get some discount fabric. When I saw a customer I knew from awhile ago from a previous job (actually in the dream I saw several people I used to know from work...), she was on the computer's trying to find some sort of gardening book and asked me for help to look it up. So I went to the computer near her and was starting to look, when Gary came and sat next to me. At this point I didn't think he recognized me, so I kinda leaned sideways so my hair towel would fall between us because I didn't want him to see me basically naked. He didn't seem to realize it was me. I even tried to not talk at that point so he wouldn't hear my voice either. So I finished there and quickly tried to go to where the clearance racks should be. (at this point I still don't know why I am not dressed and I don't know why I didn't go get my clothes on but I didn't) I got to the fabric part of the store and it was completely desolate, there were barely even any scraps to look through. I was disappointed, but I went to go to the bathroom to call Rose and tell her that Gary was there and while walking down the hallway towards the girls room Gary was coming the other direction out of the hallway. He said hi and I was so embarrassed I barely said hi back and kept walking. Somehow after this point I managed to get some brown pants on and a white blouse but for some reason I was still struggling to keep my towel around me because I still felt I was being immodest and didn't want Gary to see me. But he sat down at a desk thing and I was sitting next to him, he was there to study and some of his flash cards got mangled and fell to the floor. I picked them up for him and was trying to straighten them out and was offering to help him re-write them on new 3x5 cards when Rose came up behind us. I don't remember calling her but there she was. So I introduced her to him and she was kind of behind us where we were sitting. ...... Gary was asking about what we had been doing and so we told him we had been hanging out at Rose's house and I said but there was someone else there I just don't remember who and neither could Rose. It was weird... I think I just couldn't remember Sean being there but Rose didn't want to say it was Sean who was there.... (then there is a pause because I don't remember anything from that moment to this next part of the dream) .... so we had been sitting at the one desk thing and the next thing I remember we were in a different part of the library and it was just Rose and I and there was some other girl I don't know sitting behind me. Rose was standing and I was on a tall stool thing. At that point Rose tells me "be careful with him, he just tried to kiss me" but for some reason in the dream I couldn't remember him being with her without me present. The girl sitting behind me was like "yeah it's true I kinda saw it" but I still felt it wasn't true. It wasn't that I thought Rose was lying I was trusting her 100% with what she was telling me but I couldn't remember him being close enough to her to try and kiss her.... then Gary came over to where we were and we were all kinda hanging out and I was like "I just remembered it was Sean who we were with" and Rose kinda gave me a dirty look like she didn't want me to mention we had been hanging out with a guy but than she was like "yeah my boyfriend is weird like that" to make herself seem unavailable so that Gary would feel guilty about trying to kiss her and not me. Then I remember thinking I had clothes in my car that I could put on so that I wouldn't have to walk around in my towel anymore so I was going to go do that but when I went to the front doors of the library they were starting to lock up to close, but I looked at my watch and it was 2:17am. I was surprised they were locking up so early because they were supposed to be open until 2:30. So I didn't go out because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back in, so I went back to Gary and Rose and told them it was time to go they were locking up. So Gary gathered his books to leave I had my towel and Rose didn't have anything.... that's when I woke up...... I don't know what any of it means!!! But it was really creeepy!

FHE

Shawna came! It was great!!! :)

Crying

I had a really good day at church! They pretty much all are, than tonight after hanging out at my sister's house for a little while (I really just didn't want to be at home an I had something for her so I went there with Elijah) I got online. Last week I had filled out an online application for the CHP for a dispatcher position but when I filled it out and printed it I didn't find where to send it to or turn it in. So I had decided this week I needed to make that happen! I got online back to their website and first I updated it a little. I made it sound a little better (I hope) and looked around on the site until I found more info. I found out they are accepting applications and will be testing later this month or in July, they are even looking for people for the Ventura center which is perfect because that is where I want to work.... than after doing all that and printing a newer nicer application I found and printed the other information. As I was reading it I noticed it said the final filing date was June 4th. It stated all applications must be received or postmarked by June 4th..... today is the 7th!!!!! UGH!!! At the end of last year when I was first contemplating going into dispatch I had a similar experience. I had gotten an application for Simi PD they were accepting applications on a continual basis. With it there was a requirement to get a typing certificate, but there were certain days and times when you could test. You also needed an appointment. I made an appointment and then ended up going out of town unexpectedly so I had to reschedule. When I rescheduled I had to wait until the next week because they were booked and didn't have any openings. I got my certificate and when I went to turn in the application I found out about a week or two before the city went on a hiring freeze and were no longer accepting applications!!! If on;y I hadn't gone! It's really really frustrating! It's kinda dircouraging but I know at the same time that I had some problems when i first took my EMT class with getting my certification (not with testing but with the actual card) and it was starting to discourage me and I ended up not trying to get a job until 2 years later after having to re-cert... so although I don't want to wait 2 years to do dispatch I know I need to not let this get me down! It may just be a hurdle and although I cannot jump to get over it, I am sure if I try and i can find a way around it!

I really miss being on the ambulance and have been praying about whether or not to try dispatch for awhile before going back as an EMT. Plus with my knee not being fully healed it will still be some time anyway. There are a lot of pros/cons to both. But I had felt last week that I had gotten a confirmation in the positive to try this out. I was actually getting pretty excited about it too! But now I am starting to get discouraged! I really don't know what to think say or do. My mom told me to mail the app anyway and see what happens. So I am going to do that but it's 4 days late so they may not even accept it! Simi PD is still not looking for dispatchers according to their website, neither is Ventura County Sheriff, Ventura PD, I don't qualify for everything that Oxnard PD wants, LA PD isn't looking and neither is LA or Ventura county fire depts. CHP might have been my only hope right now and I think I blew it.... UGH....

The other thing on my mind is I have been out of work since June 19th! So guess what?...on June 19th I lose my disability benefits!!! I will no longer have any income, which means I won't be able to make my car payments, pay my cell phone bill, have gas in my car, or be able to make my debt management payment either!!! I was told because I lost my job due to being on disability I can apply and get unemployment now, but for the past 2 weeks every time I have attempted to call them to see if it's true and if I apply normally or it is connected directly to my disability I haven't been able to speak to a representative due to the "number of callers already on hold"!!! Tonight I emailed them so I can hopefully get a response, but generally with unemployment you are supposed to be in good health and actively looking for work, but as of right now with my knee I am not even released back to work anyway so I technically can't . I figured I could maybe get away with a dispatch desk job. Plus I knew with the hiring process and testing and background checks I could be released to work by the time I would be starting anyway... so I don't know what is going to happen to me!

Than I went onto facebook. I came across some of my old coworkers! I added them as friends and got to talk to a couple tonight! It makes me miss work even more. SO I was crying while chatting with them on facebook (only because it's the internet they don't know I was crying) and even though I was hearing about the changes and people who have left or are leaving etc it still makes me miss it! I loved my job! I want to go back!! I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I know it will all be ok! I just wish it wasn't so darn hard in the meanwhile!! Well I have to watch my nephews tomorrow and it's almost 2:30 am so I should probably get some sleep! Keep me in your prayers I am going to need a miracle I think!

Fortunes

So I was sitting back in my chair thinking how lame it was of me to forget when I noticed on my monitor some fortunes from some fortune cookies I have gotten and remembered that was what I wanted to blog about! Tonight we had Panda Express for dinner because my friend was doing a fundraiser there an so 20% of the proceeds were going to be donated to the Avon breast Cancer Crusade.... during dinner my nephew Elijah gave me a fortune cookie and told me it was mine. So I saved it and waited until I was done with my food to open my cookie. This is what my fortune said: Be adventuresome, try a new look. It kinda made me laugh because it was just on mon that I layered my hair. But since than I have been kinda unsure how to style/do my hair each day. I have noticed if I just brush it and do nothing it looks kinda lame and really fluffy... but if I put some anti-frizz type stuff that I have in it than it becomes kinda flat. So tonight I bought some mousse to try. I have tried mousse in my hair in the past and it never really did much, but I am hoping with the layers it will give it the volume it needs!

Than later this evening as I was watching a movie I had the munchies. I had gone out to the kitchen and I grabbed another cookie... I opened it up and that fortune said: Your career plans look bright. Which I was also glad to get because I decided this week that I am going to apply for some dispatcher jobs and see what happens! So it made me feel good. Both my fortunes kinda went with my situation this week! It was pretty cool! Although I know what a cookie says sorta has no relevance to real life per say but I always like being hopeful when I get a fun one!

Can't Remember

I had something or things I wanted to blog about and now that I am signed on and ready to go, I cannot remember what they were... UGH! But I didn't want to leave my blog empty for another day so here is my boring blog post that never was!

Extreme Renee Makeover!

Well maybe not so extreme but it was fun anyway and I love trying to come up with creative titles for my blog entries... so there it is.

Today I went to lunch with my friend Angela and then I went with her to the salon as she was getting her hair done. (She had purchased one of those package things where you pay in advance and get like 4 visits where they do different stuff) anyway as we were there I was thinking maybe I should do something different with my hair... but I wasn't sure what or when (since I have no money). Anyway after that she asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day and I said I didn't really have anything planned so she said "let's go get pedicures, my treat" I told her my feet would probably scare the pedicurist out of work! Anyway we went. We did the spa/pedicure. I have never before today ever gone and gotten a pedicure! It was really really nice!! They sat me in a nice massaging chair and I got to put my feet in the spa foot bath thing. They cleaned up my toe-nails and massaged my feet and legs (below the knee) they also did a callus removal thing! I need that stuff they used and the power sander thingy too! It's incredible how soft and smooth my feet are now!!! It was kinda gross too as they were removing them! Anyway I picked a purple color... this is my feet tonight, I love that you can kinda see where I am starting to get my annual flip flop tan!

SO than because she had to be at work a little while later and I had to pick up Jen from work a little while later I dropped her off at home. But than before I drove away I called a sister from church and asked if she was able to cut my hair for me. She said to come on over so I did. I told her I was ready for a change. Normally when I go for a cut it's usually just that, a trim mostly occasionally a longer cut. This time I told her I wanted to mostly keep the length but I wanted to get some layers! So she trimmed it up for me, and gave me some layers. It's different for me since I cannot remember really ever doing layers before or if I did they were minimal so it wasn't a big deal. She asked if I wanted long or short layers in the back and I said it didn't matter so she said she'd do long ones and I could go shorter if I wanted afterwards. Then once she was cutting I said just do short ones, I want a change and it'll grow back. So she layered up my hair for me! Now i took this picture just a little bit ago so it's the end of the night and my make-up isn't fresh or anything but heres a little bit of what it looks like now, they are not the best pictures, but as far as a self portrait it's as good as it's going to get tonight!

Confidence

I have started wearing make-up on a more regular basis lately. Instead of occasionally it's become almost daily (I'm slowly working up to it) but it's been several times a week for sure at least almost always when I am going somewhere. I have never been a complete tom-boy or anything of the sort, but I have always dressed to be comfortable and usually wear my hair down so I am usually mostly "girly". But I have discovered I am starting to feel more confident when I am wearing make-up. I noticed I am a little more open and playful, I have noticed I've gotten a little more attention too. Which I've never really had a problem with people acknowledging me or anything but I think I get more now. I really think it is a direct relation to the make up. Because as I am more self-assured and confident I think it shows in my mannerisms and attitude and thus makes me more approachable. I think before I was always on my own doing my own thing and friendly with everyone but now even though I am still doing my own thing and friendly I am more open too. I like that feeling. I am glad that I am opening up more. That I am learning to be more confident and less reserved in new surroundings. I am still quiet sometimes and I am still a little shy, but I am more open too if that makes sense. I guess I am learning to be who I am inside. I am learning who I am and I am letting people see that. I am growing in so many ways and it's a good thing! Life is good!

Service and a BBQ

First I must say I was up way too late last night making macaroni salad, doing laundry and dishes... then I got up kinda early for me (since I am not working and mostly sleep in now-a-days) I got up to go to the church building to help be a driver and pick up food donations for the Salute to Arms lunch. We were asked to be there at 9:30 and told it'd probably take a couple hours. So I picked up J. (she was my "helper") and we got to the building. We were told a little about the lunch and the donations and one of the Vets that was being honored. It was cool. Than we were given the assignments for picking up food. I was going to go to KFC, Panda 1 Buffet and El Paseo. The pick up times for my locations were 11 and 11:15. So J. and I went and got a quick breakfast first (since we both hadn't eaten) and then got the food. My car now smells like a mix of fried chicken and chow mien with a hint of burritos. :) I was really tired because we had been out a little later than anticipated at a BBQ last night and then I got in bed late. But doing the service for the vets and knowing that my parents were going to the lunch made it feel so worth it and I wasn't feeling as tired anymore from my 3 1/3 hours of sleep!

Than I came home added a little more mayo to my salad, put it in a disposable container and we picked up A. and went to Newbury Park for a combined YSA bbq. It was a lot of fun and I met some new people. I was invited to join in playing beach volleyball, frisbee and football. Which I would have loved to play (or attempt to play) all 3 but because of my knee I had to be a sideline observer! It was kinda depressing really! But I was blessed and felt very loved as I was never left sitting alone! I had a great time and got to joke around with some friends new and old! It was so much fun! But than after the 3 hours in the sun there we had to leave so A. could get to work. I took her home so she could shower and then I picked up some Jamba Juice for her and her co-workers since she didn't have time to stop before work, and met her there. When I sat down there I was starting to feel the effects of little sleep plus time in the sun and after dropping of J. at home I came home myself for a nap! I slept for about an hour and a half than went and was on the couch attempting to stay awake which I failed miserably at and about another hour and a half later my mom woke me up! So now after a few hours being awake, I think I may do a couple more things than hit the hay for the night!

SOMEONE

I kind of like someone.
But does he like me too?
I kind of like someone
And yet I’m feeling blue.

I don’t know how to tell him.
To say what’s in my heart.
I don’t know how to tell him,
I don’t know where to start.

I don’t like keeping secrets.
Yet it’s what I do.
I don’t like keeping secrets.
I wish I could just tell you.

I wish I had the courage
To say what’s on my mind
I wish I had the courage.
Is this why love is blind?

I often see you smiling,
At me and others too
When I see you smiling
It makes me smile too.

I wonder what you think
Am I the girl for you?
I wonder what you think
Can you feel it too?

My heart goes pitter patter
When you’re in the room
My heart goes pitter patter
For there can be no gloom.

I don’t know what I’m doing.
How this came to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
This doesn’t feel like me.

If I knew the answer,
Do you like me too.
If I knew the answer
What would I do?

We tease each other.
The time passes too fast
We tease each other
I can’t make those moments last.

If you’re feeling lonely,
Know that I am too.
If you’re feeling lonely
I’d love to go out with you.

I kind of like someone.
Do you like me too?
I kind of like someone.
Yet I’m feeling blue.

Renee L. Conaway
5-21-2009

Tracks

The tracks are long,
And they are smooth.
The tracks go on,
Carrying me and you.

I’m on this train,
Riding along
I’m on this train,
Humming a song.

I need a destination,
A place to get off.
For now I ride the train,
Waiting for it’s stop.

I don’t know where I’m going
I’ve yet to figure that out
As I ride the train
I’ll filter through my doubt.

My faith is in the conductor.
He helps me know I’m safe
I’ll reach my destination
I’ll recognize the place.

There is a change ahead
A split in the tracks
lights are flashing red,
There’s no looking back.

Now as we change direction
The split has sent us right
My faith in the conductor
Reminds me not to fight

As the engine purrs
The wheels go clickety- clack
We hear the whistle blowing
The caboose is in the back

I’m closer to my destination
The tracks are miles long
But yet I ride the train
My faith will keep me strong

The eternal tracks we ride
Can sometimes seem unsure
But heaven’s on our side
We know the path is pure

Track changes leave us wondering
What can be in store?
That wonder leads to knowing
What we signed up for.

He will not leave us dangling
We do not ride alone
I know my destination
It’s my eternal home

I know the change is good
It’s all part of the plan
I wouldn’t jump off now
Even if I could

I know this trains secure
It’s staying on the track
I’ll contemplate for sure
But I’m not going back

Heavenly father drives this train
He is the conductor
His plan to some is plain
But it’s easy trusting the Savior

I cannot jump this track
I’ve traveled it too far
Looking into the past, I cannot go back
It’s only where memories are

I’m riding on this train
I’m looking forward
There may be changes again
Eternity is an earned reward

I’m thankful for my ride
That the tracks are layed
As I sit inside
I’ll listen and obey.

The tracks are long,
They’re smooth yet bumpy too
But they’ll go on
Carrying me and you

Ride heavenly fathers train
It’s the only one we want
He’ll guide us through the pain
And lead us to the front

When we find eternity
There we can get off
If they ask you for a ticket
Our Savior paid the cost

I’ll read and fast and pray
While I ride along
I’ll stay on track everyday
Singing heavens songs

I’m riding on the right train
I was led to it somehow
I know my destination
There’s no turning back now

The tracks are long
And they are smooth
The tracks go on
Carrying me and you


Renee L Conaway
5-17-2009