Invisible

Ok so I know that I am clearly not invisible.... after all considering I am overweight that makes me clearly more visible to the eye. But I have been thinking the past couple days how sometimes I get to feeling like I am. Not in every sense of my life but in some. I do a lot, and I hang out with a lot of people. I know almost everyone in my ward, if not personally but usually by face if not also by name. Considering I bear my testimony every fast Sunday, and am in the relief society presidency I am pretty sure most people know my face and/or name too.... so let me explain now why I sometimes feel invisible....

Last night was ward cookie night. Where after church we go home and make cookies or brownies or whatever and at 7pm we all meet up with goodies at Bishops house. We have a spiritual thought and then we eat goodies and mingle until we all meander home again. It is a pretty popular activity and usually fairly fun too. While there I got to talking with one of the girls in my ward, for privacy sake I will call her "Jane" so we had been in the kitchen and chatting a little when Jane asked me if I wanted to join her sitting on the couch instead. So I did and we wandered into the other room. Sometime within a short time frame of us going into that room Bishop turned on a comedy video he had referenced earlier in the other room. So mostly everyone else went into there. Jane and I stayed where we were and talked. We talked a lot and shed a few tears about how we are both older and single and feeling heartbroken because of it. We shared experiences making us feel "invisible" We related back and forth some of our emotions and experiences. We agreed about how the "younger" girls can be pretty naive. How they basically throw themselves at any new guy in the ward especially the older guys (who come few and far between) and then of course we get stuck lonely still. It's hard to constantly see this happen. The guys tend to ask out the younger girls, who also happen to tend to be skinnier. Jane and I are by no means ugly, we attend the Temple regularly, have gone to school and work hard. But yet it seems that even though we are more knowledgeable in many aspects of life, and more stable in our professions we are not the ones being taken out on the weekends. We can both keep a house, we are both quite good cooks and can raise children. We are ready for the marriage role! Not saying that the younger girls are not, but we are more experienced in many ways and prepared for it. Yet we sit alone frequently on Fri and Sat night, (or we are out with other girls), It's hurtful! It is so hard to be optimistic about getting married and starting a family when we don't even get asked on dates! We talked about how frequently many people will talk about having been out on Sat night and usually in large groups of people, but yet we were not invited along. I enjoy karaoke on Sat nights and it seems that people frequently mention to me they want to go sometime, but yet when I invite people they don't come. When I don't invite they are mad I didn't. But yet all these people who I will occasionally invite don't ever return the favor! It's hurtful!

There is a gal in our ward who frequently has people over at her house. I've heard it's basically an open invite to whomever would like to go, and we have a mutual friend who has told me she has asked why I don't go over and hang out..... I have told this mutual friend that it's because I've never been invited. She tells me to just go. But personally even though I know it's going on and I would be allowed to join in, I don't feel right showing up uninvited! I think it is rude and yet even though it is supposedly an "open invite" nobody ever really does any inviting! So they have the group of people who go there and hang out! For the most part I don't think the people who go change around much! We talked about this stuff. I told Jane I've been thinking about all that same stuff too!

All my life, I have never been one to wear make-up much. I have always been one to feel that sometimes people wear too much make-up, they tend to hide behind it like a mask and can sometimes be pretty fake. Aside from being overweight I do have a pretty good self image usually. I have always felt very confident in my looks without make up. I do know the difference with it on, and it has always been that when I did wear it I would get more compliments. So I would usually save make-up for times when I wanted to dress up a little bit, or when I wanted to impress someone. I would save it for the times I was feeling down and wanted to be complimented so I would feel better. I go through stages sometimes and would wear it more for awhile then go back to nothing again. But lately I have been looking in the mirror a lot more! I have been noticing my flaws that I didn't seem to have or notice before. I have been starting to wear make-up more! I decided maybe that's what I need in order to feel less invisible. To be invited along for dinner parties, or to go hang out at someones house. Maybe it's what I need to get a date! It probably does boost my confidence, maybe I smile more when I actually have it on. I don't know for sure, I think I smile a lot anyway.... So last night Jane and I had this meaningful conversation about feeling invisible and being able to relate to each other's experiences (since they are pretty much the same for the most part)

Then today I went to my weight watchers meeting.... I've been going for several months now. I have lost some weight and have gone up and down a little bit in that time, but this has all been during this trial of knee injury and surgery... so even though I wish it was more I'm mostly only down about 12 pounds. It's hard when it's mostly by diet only. I am barely now starting to be able to tolerate more activity again and even that is limited. It's frustrating. So today at my meeting when it started my meeting leader was talking about someone in her meeting before ours. This girl couldn't find her card and jokingly made the comment "I'm invisible". I really made me think a lot about my conversation from last night with Jane. It made me think about how often I get disappointed with the way things are in my life. How I frequently feel like I am being ignored or am invisible to others! As the conversation was going in my meeting I was almost ready to start crying.... than my leader told us what she had told that girl... she said "you are never invisible in weight watchers". I realized how true that statement is! I am struggling with my weight loss, I am struggling to get "back on my feet" in a literal sense of the word but my leader is amazing!! She is right, no matter how I feel about myself she is there! She always acknowledges me! She knows my face, my name and who I am! I am not invisible!

I've thought about this a lot today. Tonight at FHE the lesson was about the Savior. He referenced the "Footprints in the Sand" poem! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I am not now, nor will I ever be invisible to him! I know that my Savior loves me and died on the cross for me! I am so thankful for the atonement! I know that I am noticed. With or without make-up people do see me! I know that when the time is right I will get asked out on a date, and I will form a relationship and will eventually be married! What a blessing that will be. In the meantime I need to remember not to let myself feel invisible! I need to remember who I am (A Daughter of God) and know that I am on the right path. I will keep working on getting my knee back to full use, I will keep monitoring my eating so that I can lose more weight, and as often as I feel necessary I will wear make-up. I won't hide in the shadows anymore. I will run in the sunlight and be visible! Once and for all!

No news....

Well I don't know if no news is good news or bad news, but it's news anyway.... or rather not I guess :) I haven't had much happen lately that I am super excited about in order to blog it. I mean I've got a lot on my plate but I usually do so that's nothing really. I went to the ZOO last week! It was so much fun! Even though I am older I love looking at the animals I especially enjoy the elephants! They are such amazing and yet simple creatures! It's incredible how large but yet so calm they are! I recently read a fictional book about elephants and it made me cry.... and now I am reading another one.... although I don't know if I'll cry again. It's quite likely I suppose! I bought myself my very first IPOD! Woohoo.....
I look back on my life and often wonder "how did I get here?" I am surprised how things change so easily and so gradually and yet it all seems to go by so fast! I miss working most of all! I can't believe a year ago I was back at work by now from my previous knee surgery and now I am wondering when I'll get to return again... and I am still wondering if I should return to the ambulance or do dispatch. I know there are so many benefits I can expect being in dispatch with finances and less impact on my knee and so forth, but there are so many things I miss about the ambulance! The blood the guts the gore! :) Just kidding... it is hard to explain though, it's not that you want people getting hurt and stuff but the adrenaline of a call is something not to be explained! The feeling of accomplishment when you know you've made a difference in a life! The blessings of meeting so many people of various ages and walks of life! I have heard so many amazing stories from elderly patients that make me wish my grandparents on my dad's side lived a lot longer! I miss them! I know a dispatcher job would benefit me in so many ways and yet I still want to cry when I see an ambulance. I feel so helpless when they come by and I think of where they may be going and what they may be required to do. I mean I know the job had it's negatives, I mean I don't even always like cleaning my own car or house, so what makes me want to clean an ambulance and station? But I did it without complaint. I get full nights of sleep now.... but I also am bored frequently sitting at home! I have read over a dozen books so far this year already... I would probably still have read nearly as many if I was working though which is the cool thing about it... but I would've felt better while doing it, because when working I know that at any time I could be required to stop to go potentially save a life! I cannot believe this year alone I have already read, or re-read:

Harry Potter 2-7 (I had re-read 1 back in Dec)
Tales of Beedle the Bard
Twilight series (all 4 books, which I had read for the first time back in Dec)
Orpheus... which is a Novel Betty wrote that I was privileged to get a "sneak peek" of!
Hanna's Dream (the elephant book I mentioned)
Pride and Prejudice


I also read my scriptures and the occasional magazine, or newspaper and such as well. Um I can't think of any more right now so that must be it.... but there are a few I am working on too.... Life is crazy! But I am thankful for books! I am actually looking to invest in another bookshelf or storage unit of some sort because of my abundance of books, dvd's and cd's, I also have a lot of games too! But too bad I never have people to play them with....

Well I guess that's about it! Life continues for me. I still have no prince charming, no knight in shining armor... no mr right.... but I haven't given up hope that he is out there and looking for me! We just need to find each other!

Migraines

For a few years now I have had problems with migraine headaches. But they are kind of sporatic and I have been having a hard time finding a trigger for them. I usually will be fine for several weeks if not months than all of a sudden I will get them a lot. Thats the stage I am in now, today is the 3rd or 4th day in a row! UGh! Go away now headache I have had enough! That's all I have to say

Olives in the garden

So this last week was a really fun one for me! On Weds my twin Renee came home for a brief visit. She flew in on Weds morning and we went to lunch and hung out a little bit. After that we went to her mom's school to surprise her. Her mom thought she was flying in on Thurs morning but instead for April Fools she came earlier. (Actually it was planned for the first originally but she told her mom the 2nd and gave her "fake" flight info, that was actually info for a real thurs flight) So after that she hung out with her mom and her family for the night while I came home and made a ramp to use for an electric wheelchair I borrowed. On Thurs she, her parents and I went to Disneyland. We had a lot of fun together! It was a chilly day but I think that is way better than it being super hot. With the only exception is avoiding the water rides because of the temperature outside.

Than on Fri, my mom, Renee, her cat Anya and I drove to Utah. I have always loved road trips! It's way exciting to listen to music and watch the scenery. Renee and I would normally read books out loud to each other but with my mom this time we didn't. Although during the drive I did finish a book I have been reading. I really enjoyed it. On Sat in the afternoon my mom and I went to General Conference for church. Afterwards we hung out with Renee, Veronica and Raliegh for awhile until Raliegh went to priesthood session. We walked around temple square and went to Deseret Book for girls night. Then we went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Raleigh met us there after priesthood.

THat was when the night got fun.... Renee put some sugar in my raspberry lemonade... I don't know for sure if that was the reason, but I got a little hyper. First when I tried to unroll my napkin I dropped my silverware to the floor.... than I was just laughing at a bunch of stuff. I was joking around about not being able to see when i would remove my glasses to clean them. At one point while cleaning them I was like "hey that guy looks familiar" and I think it was Renee who said "they probably all do because you can't see anybody" (or something along those lines) so i pretended to call "Jimmy" than I was like "Oh nevermind I thought you were someone I knew, but now that I have my glasses on I can see you're much uglier" I know that's kinda mean but it was kinda funny too. And I wasn't actually talking to Jimmy or anyone else it was all at a level that only the people at my table could hear mostly. I was also joking around with Raliegh because Renee and I were sending stupid texts back and forth to each other and he commented about it and how I was probably saying the waiter was cute or something. (after which she jokingly did text me that which made me laugh even more) And so I told Raleigh "he just heard you say that and turned around to walk away, but when he comes back do you want me to let him know how you feel?" also at one point I was trying to stretch my legs out under the table and I kicked Raleigh so he asked if I was trying to play footsie with him. I told him no that I was trying to stretch but that normally because I am so short it isn't a problem that I kick whoever is across from me! Oops! So then also at the beginning because we were there before Raleigh we got the salad and breadsticks and were eating that before ordering and there were 4 olives in the salad and renee and I each had 2. Renee said "for a place called Olive Garden there aren't very many olives in the garden" so we asked the waiter and he was like "no it's one per person" he also told us he had recently learned olives don't even grow in gardens but on trees. (Which I already knew because I am allergic to olive trees) So before Raliegh got there the waiter brought us another bowl of salad. I ate the olives from it and then shifted around the stuff on top so you couldn't tell I had done it. In the meanwhile Veronica had gone to the front of the restaurant to show him where we were sitting. So when he sat down we were talking and stuff and he asked if we had ordered. We told him no we waited for him but not with the salad and breadsticks. So he was having some salad and I was like "renee even asked the waiter why.." and then I stopped myself and was like "nevermind she didn't ask him anything" because I knew I had eaten the olives and didn't know if he would've wanted any. SO Renee my mom and I were all laughing and Veronica and Raleigh didn't know why! It was so funny. At one point the waiter came over and filled my lemonade and I didn't even notice. I drank half the glass than realized it had been filled. Renee laughed at me for not noticing. SO then the waiter came to take our orders and I was alsking a lot of questions and stuff and I told him there was an "incident and that there was silverware under the table" and at one point I said something and he was like "you're funny" Need less to say I burned a lot of calories from laughing at dinner that night! There were people at two tables nearby that I think were very glad when we left because I was making jokes and we were all laughing so much they probably thought we were drunk. It's all Renee's fault for spiking my lemonade with that sugar packet!!!

Then we went back to Renee's and I did my leg exercises and put my ice on my leg. It felt good to stretch it and I went to sleep with the ice on that night because I hadn't iced it in a few days and had been doing a lot of walking and a lot of stairs that day! Than yesterday my mom and I went to the morning session of conference. Afterwards we visited with a friend, and than we went back to Renee's and packed our bags and the car. We had some lunch at her house and left as the afternoon session started. We listened to it on the radio while driving. It was a long day driving home but we made it back super late and super tired! Overall it was a long.... too short, but fun weekend.

Walk around the block

I decided the other night that I wanted to start attempting to walk in the evening before I do my exercises. That way I would still be icing my knee afterwards. I could walk as much as I can tolerate (which isn't a lot) and come home do my bike and all my other stretches and stuff than ice like normal. That way I wouldn't be increasing the swelling and pain without ice because it's before everything anyway. So tonight I decided to do it for the first time. My nephew Elijah wanted to go so he got all ready and into the stroller (which was kinda beneficial too because then I kinda had something for a little extra support) so I had thought I would walk to the corner and around the track. That way I wasn't ever too far from home and I could more easily judge my distance I travel (one lap = 1/4 mile) but I was alone tonight with Elijah and even though I brought a flashlight I didn't want to go to the track since it isn't lit. Maybe if another adult was with me. SO I was walking around the block on the sidewalk. A few houses down from me I noticed some changes that were made to the front of a house I used to be at a lot as a kid. That house holds a lot of memories, my little kindergarten boyfriend was there!! They had a tangerine tree and he would pick them, he would peel it and share it with me. Also around that time in school we did the nursery rhyme "hey diddle diddle" as a play. He was the dish and I was the spoon...we ran away together at the end! I thought how sad it was that I never noticed before the changes made to the house! I felt kind of guilty that I don't know my neighbors like I did as a kid.

I continued my walk, I got to the corner and I thought about the lady I see walking to or from the bus stop all the time. I know she rents a room at that house and I never seem to see her when I can offer her a ride... around the corner I pass a house that I always knew belonged to Mrs Tyra. She was a substitute teacher and I always thought she was really nice, I enjoyed her substituting especially because I knew she was kinda my neighbor. (I've since learned she is also LDS) a few more houses down and I remembered some friends I used to play with and the house behind ours, where we would have to go if we ever threw a ball over the fence. Than as I continued I passed Mickey Jones' house. He is/was an actor. He would frequently guest appear on Home Improvement. He also did the local GM dealership commercials way back when. I think my sister knocked on his door once and asked for his autograph, he gave her a signed headshot. I haven't seen him around town lately, but he still has the truck in the driveway from the commercial way back when... A few more houses and there was the house where my aunt used to live when I was younger. My family and her don't really talk much anymore, my cousin Trevor must be about 10 by now at least! I miss them!

Then to the next corner.... I remember this house was the one we would go to as kids to look for lizards. They ran around in their brick fence a lot more than other places it seemed. It was fun trying to catch the lizards. I thought about some of the people I know on some of the other streets in the area, remembering sleep overs and Halloween experiences. Then up and around the corner again I remember the family that lived at that corner house... I remember a picture of me and their girls in a rocking chair. I don't remember their names though. Then there are the Blau's. They've lived down the street as long as I remember. we had 4 girls and they had 4 boys. I remember they had this ride on train toy! I loved that thing! I was so jealous! They are still there but we don't hang out much anymore!

Next to them used to live an elderly lady, she had this weird plant bush stuff in front of her house and there used to be rumors about how she would hide toys in it for us kids. I was always too scared to look though, and now there are no weird bush things. Not that any toys would've survived this long. Than the old Ortiz house! Wow there were some memories there! Those girls and my sisters and I took different roads in life as we got older. They all had kids really young and stuff. I see them around town from time to time! I remember all 3 of them and all my sisters and myself got on my mom's hammock at once... it broke.... mom wasn't too happy about it! Their dad used to tease me about my name all the time. He would ask me what it was claiming to have forgotten it. I would tell him "Renee" and he would say "one egg?" and I'd be like "no" and he'd be like "two eggs?" Anyways I always thought it was weird he couldn't get my name right.... now it's kinda funny to me!

Another house full of memories... Maxine's old house!! I miss her. She was like a grandma to me! My grandma died when I was little and I spent a lot of time with Maxine. Helping her out and stuff. I remember writing about her for some school assignment and it being published in a book of the best entries. I have that book somewhere! I remember after the earthquake being so scared because she wouldn't answer when we knocked on her door and windows! She couldn't find her glasses and was afraid! We still see her daughter and stuff! Than there is right next door... many memories from there! There was a family there when we were little! We are still friends with them! Than there was a few other people and now we talk with those next door but we are not as close as we could be! It still surprises me after my walk how many of my neighbors I knew than and how few I know now! All those memories of so many houses and so many faces and families! What a journey~!

It was a 20 minute walk around the block for me, but it took me years! I think it was a little bit farther than I would have liked to walk, for my knee, but I am glad I went anyway. There is so much to be thankful for! I am glad I went around the block tonight and not to the track. What an experience I would've missed out upon had I skipped it! I am glad where my life is now, and I am glad where I am headed but there are times I sure miss the "good ol days"

Heroes

I don't consider myself to be a hero in any way shape or form. Granted I have had many lives within my hands and I have transported many people to the hospital in various stages of life, circumstances and situations, some have survived and others may not have. Some of my coworkers or new trainees at work would be disappointed that maybe they ran transfers (taking non emergency patients to or from the hospital or other facility to or from another hospital or other facility) all day and not 911 calls, I would ask them if anyone died in their ambulance that day? Usually the answer would be "no" I would ask them how many patients they had that day (this number varied obviously, so I will use "X") and so I would then tell them that they saved X number of patients that day because they didn't let those patients die! I have been exposed to a lot in my field of work, I have been on the gunshot or stabbed patients, I have been on the heart attacks or difficulty breathing calls. I have delivered babies. I have defibrillated patients. I have done CPR in someones home, in the ambulance and even occasionally in the ER. I have seen patients "circle the drain" I have gone to funerals for a "frequent flier" who we transported regularly. I cannot say that I save everyone, but I will say that I will do the best I can and unfortunately it is not up to me what the final outcome will always be. It is a job requiring a lot of compassion and strength. It requires multi-tasking abilities and quick thinking in stressful situations. There is a lot too it but like I said I do not consider myself a hero.

Aside from my experiences I have at work I have always tried to donate blood on a mostly regular basis. Now I happen to be a "universal donor" I have O- negative blood. It is the ONLY blood that can be given to any blood type. But at the same time O-neg can ONLY receive O-neg blood. But being the universal blood type it is frequently used in emergency situations. It is also used for newborn babies especially preemies or other patients being treated when the blood type is not yet known. But only 6% of the population (my numbers may be off a little, but it is a small number generally) have O- neg blood. So it is important for donations. Not just of O-neg but any type really but they especially need large supplies of O-neg blood. Blood drive related advertisements and so forth will call donors "heroes". Now I know in more way than one how a blood transfusion can save a life. I've seen the people who need the blood as well as know the stories.

I try to donate regularly. But even knowing it's importance, I still don't consider myself a hero. It's not that I am naive (at least I don't think I am) but I know that there are a lot of people who would donate if they could. There are many factors that prevent some people from being able to, such as a fear of needles. Maybe they don't meet the weight requirements, maybe they have veins that collapse, etc.... there are many reasons why some people don't donate. I don't have a phobia of needles, my veins are generally cooperative and it really only takes about an hour of my time. Plus they give you free cookies and juice after... who wouldn't want that, right?? It feels good to give of myself in that way. I love the feeling of helping someone else. But that is all I consider it, helping them. It's no different in my eyes than last week when I bought a $10 gift card while at target and gave it to the homeless lady at the corner. She needed help and I had just gotten paid. It was something I was capable of doing, most people don't consider a good samaritan a hero for giving some change. So why should I see myself as a hero for giving my time and getting poked for some cookies and juice??

Well today I went to donate blood. I last went in Jan and so as of March 6th I was eligible to donate again. Today they were in Simi. I made my appointment and went to donate. I read over the materials, I had drank lots of fluids to help my veins. I was ready to donate. I knew all my guidelines and was ready. It was no different from my many other donations. I was poked, my temperature and blood pressure were good. My hemoglobin was within it's limits all was well. Than comes the normal questionnaire. I was going through like normal and then came to a question that asked "in the past 12 months (I don't remember exactly what it said for the time frame, but based on what happened next I think that was it) have you received a bone or skin graft?" I remembered my recent knee surgery, I did receive a graft with my operation. It was an achilles allograft. They used the achilles tendon from a cadaver to replace my torn acl in my knee. I thought about it and I remember asking if the graft was like when someone receives an organ, I asked if there was any chance of my body rejecting it? I was told no because there wouldn't be any cells or similar connections to accept or reject it. That there wouldn't be anything to worry about in that manner. So I thought well if it was a tendon is that the same as bone or skin? Technically no, but I hit skip just in case. I continued on and when they came back to review my answers I explained to him what I had been told. I was thinking since it wasn't skin or bone and with what I was told about the cells I should be fine. He looked up some stuff on the computer and I don't think he exactly found what I explained about my surgery but he said because it was a graft from a cadaver I would have to be placed on the deferral list temporarily. He said I couldn't donate today or for 12 months from the time of my operation! So I cannot donate for another 11 months still!! :( I was sad and disappointed! I really wanted to be able to donate and help. But now not only could I not donate today but cannot until Feb of next year!! I signed their paperwork and stuff and they told me I could still take some cookies and juice if I wanted to (but I didn't feel worthy too take any even though they kept offering, I hadn't donated so it didn't seem right, but I must admit the cheez-it's did look tasty) Anyways I was sad and when i got to my car I started to cry! I couldn't believe I was being deferred! I've gone in before and because my hemoglobin was a little low or had been on antibiotics (and forgotten) or whatever I wasn't able to donate, but I was able to go back quickly. I am sad now! I am not able to go back to work yet and now I cannot donate blood either!

With my knee recovery I cannot walk or stand for long periods of time still and so I am not sure there is a lot of other volunteer stuff I can currently do so I feel kind of useless! I feel like I am falling into a rut! It seems all I do is sit on the couch with ice on my knee and color or read or write letters. Not that those are bad things but I am tired of it! I miss helping people!! I know this may seem like a complaining letter when just yesterday I was writing about feeling like an EMT again, but it's not like I know a lot of people spraining their ankles, or who are teachers needing me to visit their students! ....

But I did help the school teachers today in the rally, I stood on the street (for a little while until my blood drive appointment time...)I was in a pink shirt and waved at cars and held signs and stuff, partially because my sister got a pink slip today and especially because I think with all else that is going on economically in the US we definitely shouldn't cut teachers! :( Hopefully if the state of CA decides to make some budget adjustments my sister and many others won't get another more permanent pink slip in May.... anyway we really need to help the teachers! If you really wanna know more you can go to http://www.pinkfriday09.org/ but now what??? How else can I help? I know that in April we are doing service for mormon helping hands, but the flier I saw says we are cleaning the arroyo or something and it specifically says to please not bring kids or disabled because it will be hard work..... normally that's my kind of service project.... but again the knee will hold me back. I think I may try and find a family who needs a babysitter for the day so the parents can go.... than I can still serve but not over-do it.....

Feeling like an EMT again

So this week I have gotten two opportunities to kinda feel like an EMT again.I really miss working more than anything else while struggling with the knee injuries. But on Monday a family friend called and she had fallen asleep in her recliner with her daughter on her lap. WHen she woke up she tried to get up not realizing that her foot had fallen asleep as well. She twisted her ankle and both her and her daughter fell. She called my mom screaming in pain and said that her boyfriend couldn't get to her to take her to the doctor for like 45 min. But she was also going to need childcare while going to urgent care. My mom and I went over there. I took a cardboard mailing box (I had just picked up at the post office like an hour prior not even planning to mail anything in it, I just figured I would get it to have available) so I felt for her pedal pulse (yes you can find your pulse in your foot if you know where to look and don't push too hard) I marked the pulse (so I would know where it was to re-assess) and I did an assessment, I told her I didn't think it was broken but likely sprained. I took the box and I cut it up and taped it and had her son get me some kitchen towels to pad it. I splinted her foot. I than let her use my crutches to get to my car and my mom and I took her to urgent care... my sister had come over to pick up the kids to take them to our house but at the same time a babysitter had arrived early to watch the kids for the evening anyway so we left them there at the house instead. We got to urgent care and got her all checked in and her boyfriend came so we went ahead and left and he was there to take her home. It was just a bad sprain and the doctor gave her a note to get out of work for the next day. But she said that the doctor or nurse said that it was splinted all really well. She gave me the credit where it was due...except I think she said I was a paramedic. :)

Than earlier this week my friend who is a schoolteacher had asked me to come and speak on Weds with her class and a couple other classes about being an EMT and a little bit about first aid. She said it would really be good if I could come in uniform. She said she had the auditorium reserved for a little more than an hour, that in the beginning she would have a slide show presentation and then I would speak for 10-15 min and after that she would take over again for a continued discussion. I was kind of hesitant because even though I have done school presentations before as an EMT I have always done it with a partner and with the ambulance and a lot more equipment. But then again those moments we also had more than 10-15 min to speak. So I talked a little bit and asked them a few questions regarding first aid and 911 and so forth. Then I kinda let them ask me questions and talked some more based on their questions. It was a lot of fun. Then I stayed at the end to listen to the rest of their discussion about the differences between modern and alternativc medicine styles. Anyway my friend called me earlier and said the kids really loved it! It felt nice to put on the uniform again although I wish it would've meant being on the ambulance again. Although I do still need new boots, not only are they old, worn out and falling apart, but they were being very uncooperative yesterday when I was trying to put them on. THe zippers weren't wanting to zip even after I loosened the laces. ALthough it didn't help that I can't fully bend my knee yet so I was trying to do it with the knee brace on! :)

Kid Talk....

So you can try and fight this all you want (but you'll lose) I have the cutest nephews ever!!! Just so you know.... anyways I will try and post pictures or videos soon but I have to tell you how cute they really are! So my nephew Elijah (who is 2 1/2 now) likes to hide in my closet. Now I don't have closet doors and so there is a curtain over my closet. He likes to go behind the curtain right in the middle and pull it together in front of him. So the other night I was going into my room for something and right as I was walking into my room I hear him say my name. (actually he only says "nay") so instead of turning on my light and doing or getting whatever I came for I hid in the closet behind the curtain. He started saying "nay er are you?" (he doesn't really say where either) my sister said "she's in her room" and he opened the door and didn't see me and left again. (the hall light was on giving him some light in my room, but you have to actually come in a little to see the closet) so I heard him going up and down the hall repeatedly saying "nay er are you?" my sister kept saying I was in my room and he kept peeking just from the door and not seeing me. So after several minutes I made a noise or something so that he came further into my room and found me. He thought it was so funny that he hid in the closet too! But I wish I would've made a voice note on my phone of him saying "nay er are you?"......

Story #2 So Elijah loves money (which who doesn't really?) so he is always looking for money. Anyways he always has change (if you leave it out and he sees it... it's his) so one day I gave him a zippered coin pouch thingy. He somehow started calling it his purse. So my mom was saying that we need to get him a "wallet" since he is a boy and shouldn't be saying purse... I say he's 2 big deal especially since it's a coin purse not an actual purse! Anyway the other night we were at the 99 cents store and they had some of the little vinyl kids wallets. There was an Elmo one and so I asked Elijah if he wanted an Elmo wallet for his money. He of course said yes. So I was opening it up to make sure it was good and not ripped or anything and I noticed there is no zippered area for coins, and so I said "there's no coin thingy" and he said the funniest thing (it was funny because I'm not sure where he got it and I'd never heard him say it before) so after I acknowledged the lack of coin area he says "oh my gosh"..... I was laughing so hard! Not only was it unexpected and in perfect timing he said it so cute!!!! He has the cutest little voice!!! I need to voice note him saying that as well because it's so darn cute!!! Oh my gosh!

My nephew Isaiah (who will be 1 on the 24th) on the other hand for several months now has been growling!! It is so cute... one night I was in my room getting ready for bed when I heard a knocking/scratching at my door. Thinking it was my dog wanting to come in and go to bed also I started towards the door when I noticed a tiny little hand under the door! It was so cute.... anyways I made a video of him scratching at the door and putting his hand under. Than I opened it and continued to video him playing around a little bit. I got a 9 min video and tried to get him to growl without any real success. Than guess what..... of course when the camera stopped rolling guess who started growling at me... little fart-head!!! He is way cute too and has curly hair!!! His curls are way cute now but he will probably hate it when he is older!

Press 1 for English

Ok so I obviously have been on disability for awhile with my knee injury and surgery and stuff... This has been interesting to me for awhile now but I haven't written about it yet.... until now..... so when I call the disability office to find out whether they've processed my check or what have you there's a recording. It says something along the lines of "thank you for calling the state disability office.... yadda yadda yadda." Than she says something in spanish "hola......" where one would assume it would be giving the spanish extension or instructions or what have you. So then she says "if you'd like to hear the message in english press 1" (So at this point I press 1.....but if I don't push 1 right away it does continue in spanish and says something that I think is "press 2 for spanish") after pressing 1 I get a message that says "we have a toll free number for our spanish speaking customers the number is @@@-@@@-@@@@." Ok so why would I want them to give me the number for spanish speaking if I already pressed 1 for english??? That's all I want to know? Especially since they'd already said something in spanish so wouldn't they be better off giving the number than?? Not that I have any problems with the spanish speaking population I just wonder how many would press 1 for english expecting to hear the number for spanish???

Non addiction

Ok so things are starting to settle a little bit.... my knee is getting to where it isn't constantly hurting except when I do my exercises or to much activity. I am glad about that because even though I am really careful not to take more pain pills than I should I am paranoid about becoming addicted. It is bad enough I will verify how many I have taken in how long of a time...for instance.... about a week before my surgery I was having a pain day and was going to take a vicodin.... it was the last one in the bottle so when I took it I checked the date on the bottle that I had filled the pills... it was a bottle of 30 and I had filled it in late Oct. So in 3 months I took 30 pills (when Icould've taken 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours as needed) On fri I took my last pill from the bottle of percocet given to me for post-op. I had 50 pills that I took over 15 days. I now have another bottle of 50. I take on average 2-3 a day now. After my operation I was taking 2 pills every 4 hours like clockwork because I was hurting so much. I don't really know why I am sharing this.... but it seemd right! I guess I should say things overall seem to be improving. THe exercises (especially the bending ones) hurt tons but thats normal. I got my stitches out on Fri. I have 3 incisions.... I call them the small medium and large marks, because one had 1 stitch, one had 2 stitches and the third spot had 3 stitches. Maybe later I will post pictures... with the stitches and currently. I also had asked for a phot printout of the xray with my screws in from post-op but forgot to get it before leaving the dr office.... so I will have to get that later too!

It's kinda weird to think that I have the achilles tendon from a cadaver in my knee but I am thankful that the person whose body it was taken from was willing to be a donor, or for their family member making that choice! I have always felt that I would like my organs to be donated but I never imagined I would be a donor recipient. I guess it's a little different since it's not really an organ... but it was still a blessing to me! The other option for the surgery is they take a part of your own hamstring muscle to use for the graft... but that increases the pain and recovery so its ok with me that they didn't. Another thing I am thankful for is being able to take a plastic bag free shower now! Once the stitches came out I was able to get my leg wet again! Yippee!! I still have to wear the large and most annoying brace for walking and sleeping but I also got permission to not wear it for showering as long as I am super careful not to put my full weight on my leg or to slip (i know what you are thinking...that's not a safe bet for me... but I am being extra extra extra careful not to) SO um yeah! Showering is nice! The next step I am looking forward to is not needing to wear the brace to bed, and to not have to keep it locked straight for ambulation. I have to do that for about 2 more weeks. I guess after 4 weeks than I don't have as much of a risk of my knee slipping which could potentially tear the graft. But I don't know if at that time I still have to wear the brace but am allowed to unlock it.... or if I'm done with it all together. But now that I am more active again (just in a walking around since... not a lot though because it still hurts) I am having problems with the brace slipping down my leg though. It waas kinda happening before but not as much. But if I tighten the straps to keep it up than it reduces circulation and my foot and ankle swell.... if I leave it barely loose it slips once I am moving around which than puts my knee at risk again! I can't stand it! I had asked my doctor how to keep it up and he said that's a commmon complaint and the best suggestion is to tighten the strap around the calf... but it doesn't work!!!!! UGH... I think that tomorrow I am going to call the company where I got the brace from and ask them if they have any suggestions, or to see if I come in there if there is maybe something they can do to adjust it so it maybe fits a little better and won't slip as much...we shall see! Anyway I think I should be off to bed now!