Bubbles from Heaven

So I had planned several weeks ago to go to Disneyland yesterday. Then when my dad passed on Fri I wasn't sure anymore about going. I spoke to my family about cancelling my plans and they asked me why? It almost didn't seem right for me to be going despite everything that had happened and during all the mourning etc. I also spoke to several of my friends, and they all seemed to have the same response...why shouldn't I go?.... so after much deliberation and a lot of much needed support and encouragement I decided I would go. My friend Tami who I had planned to go with was very considerate of the situation and waited for me to complete the meeting at the mortuary with my family and we left in the early afternoon for an evening at the parks. When we arrived and I got out of her car I walked towards the trunk and as I got to the rear of the car there was a bubble.... anyway I saw this bubble and I looked around. I didn't see anybody within close proximity to where I was and there definitely was only the 1 bubble. It was really odd but it made me smile and feel comforted. It kind of told me I would be ok.... anyway my sisters and I had a private viewing tonight at the mortuary to say our last goodbyes prior to the cremation. It was rough. After we each had our moment alone with Dad we all went in together. Denise asked me about saying a prayer and I was pretty emotional so she offered to say one instead. It was beautiful. In it she mentioned being sent "tokens" to remind us he is still with us and I remembered my bubble. Although they sell bubble guns at the parks and there are usually bubbles there, yesterday it seemed that after the incident I noticed them more frequently. Each time I got a text or something that made me a little emotional or close to tears etc it seemed like more bubbles would cross my path.... so tonight I wrote a poem:

A single bubble floated on down

Yet its source couldn’t be found

I knew it had to come from you

Seemed like the kind of thing you’d do

Such a simple, meaningful sign

Letting me know I’d be ok in time

I saw more bubbles the rest of the day

They spoke to me as if to say

Renee, I’m here up above

Sending bubbles filled with love

So you’ll know I’m watching you

Very proud of the things you’ll do

A little token from the skies

A tear of remembrance in your eyes

As times go on during things you’ll do

Bubbles will be sent just for you

A little reminder of my love

Bubbles from Heaven up above. 

2014 Sucks....

THis year has been less than perfect, less than wonderful.... less than anything good for my family so far! It started out alright.... then went downhill from there..... let me expand on that, i think I am going to do it in a brief timeline type of post....

As I said the year started out great (for me anyway) I was able to go on vacation (i had planned to blog about it, but as you'll soon read since I have been home I haven't exactly gotten the chance to. I will give as brief description here though). I hadn't taken a vacation since the summer of 2012  when I went to Washington DC for a week and visited with COllin and also got to see Sharon. 

Fri Jan3rd my friend Julie and I (along with her kids and her dogs) left early in the morning and began what ended up being a 19 hour drive to Kent, Washington. This was the start of my vacation. (I love road trips) we had a blast and I enjoyed that drive. It was nice and cold in WA. I was excited because not only had I not been on vacation in a year and a half, but I was actually getting winter weather! It was in the 40s in Wa that weekend. I was there with Julie until Mon afternoon. DUring the weekend I got to go to the Snowqualmie Falls, the Seattle Space Needle and on what I called a "frozen hike" because there was ice and snow on the ground. 

Mon Jan 6th in the evening, I flew from Seattle into Bend, Or where I was greeted by Collin and got to spend the rest of the week there. I was able to do a lot of sightseeing both with him in the evening as well as during the days while he was at work. We did a night hike to the Benham falls in the rain.  I got to go to the high desert museum with his parents,  I went to Drake park, it snowed once so i made a  tiny snowman.  On that morning (6th)my sister Denise had bariatric surgery... THe surgery went really well and things were good. I was in Or until Fri 10th when I flew home that evening... this was the start of the year from h-e---- you know the rest

Fri Jan 10th, while I was at the airport etc Denise was texting with me. SHe was in a lot of pain at her surgeyr site and was going to the emergency room. SHe ended up basically being there all night as they ran tests, spoke with the surgeon etc. They had determined that she had over-exerted herself that first week and thankfully she was ok. As they had to cut through some of her muscles for the procedure, in over exerting herself she may have torn some a little more.... :(

**Sometime either while I was on vacation or the next week, my brother in law Neal had been to the doctor for knee pain. He was told he had popliteal fascitis, given anti-inflammatories and started feeling better...
that is until FRI Jan 17th the pain had returned (these details may be a little choppy, out of order etc, but you'll get the jist) so he spoke to the dr again and was sent for an ultra-sound, which he was told to return to the dr for those results... he was in so much pain though (or something, again may be choppy) and instead of returning to the dr office he went straight to the emergency room. They diagnosed him with actually having a DVT (aka blood clot) in his leg. He got put onto blood thinners and told to stay off of his leg, etc... he went home again,,,,

SUN Jan 19th Neal woke up and tried to take his morning shower as usual and within a  min or two was completely out of breath... Since Denise was still recovering from her recent surgery a good friend of theirs took him to the ER again and the friends wife took Denise up a little bit later. It turns out some of the clots (he ended up having several) had moved and travelled up into his lungs... he now had a pulmonary embolism (which if not diagnosed or treated can be deadly...in fact if he hadn't reacted to the shortness of breath, he could've died) That night the vascular surgeon came in and they placed a "filter" in his leg in order to prevent any additional clots from moving into his chest. The rest will all dissolve with the blood thinners he is now taking on a regular basis. He spent 2 days in the hospital and is still recovering from the clots. 

 FRI Jan 24th my mom calls me first thing in the morning before I've left for work. My dad passed out and is lying on the floor. He is responsive but she can't lift him etc. I told her to call 911 and that way the medics can come make sure everything is ok and they can transport him. They won't take him directly to the V.A. like he would normally go to, but they would stabilize him and transport when he could go. I called out for work and went to my moms house right away. Turns out he had an internal bleed. Within 24 hours of his arrival at the hospital he was given 5 units of blood and 3 units of plasma. He spent several days in the ICU and then was transferred to the telemetry unit. This same weekend my friend Carla was in the hospital from Sun-Tues for ulcers during her pregnancy. SO I was visiting dad and her.

**dad stayed in the hospital**

Sun FEB 2nd Neal is having severe pain in the leg where they did the operation to plave the filter. Initially he felt that Denise can take him into the ER but by the time she went upstairs to get shoes on and came back downstairs he was worse and they called 911 to get him taken in. (*again Dad is still at the hospital and his condition hasn't changed, in fact it got worse, while they were treating his bleed etc they were neglecting his normal medical conditions and he ended up retaining water and was having symptoms from his CHF* but they weren't listening to my mom and neglected to call in cardiologists for the first week and a half he was there, there had been another incident too, but I won't get into that tonight either) As for Neal they kept him overnight helped relieve the pain, ran ultra sounds etc and everything came back ok. They weren't sure why he had the pain but it resolved and he was able to return home again.

**dad is still in hospital**

THURS Feb 6th while I am at the hospital with my mom and visiting my dad, my aunt Linda calls. My grandma (who had been in the serious-almost fatal- car accident last summer) had passed out at home and initially was unresponsive, The paramedics were called and she was being taken in. My grandma spent 2 days in the hospital out in the antelope valley. They ran tests etc but never found the cause but she was at a point where she could get around without getting dizzy etc so they sent her home Sat night or Sun morning. 

TUES Feb 11th after 19days they released my dad from the hospital. Nobody felt he was ready, he even told me that night he was only feeling 50/50 but he was miserable at the hospital and wanted to go home. It was hard because he was still weak and needing help with a lot but my mom wasn't going to force him to stay when he really wanted to be home. 

So now if you've been keeping track I had 4 family members in the hospital in 5 weeks. One was there for long term, one was a "repeat offender" and as it turned out it was every weekend! This weekend we were hoping for a break.... we had decided 2014 had already given our family enough trials and we were trying to be optimistic....

Fri Feb 14th .... this is where it gets really hard!!! I had gotten off work a little early and so I was back in town a little earlier than normal. I met up with a friend at the bowling alley where she was watching her granddaughter bowl. As I was walking out to my car to go home and get some stuff for my evening my mom called me.... all I could hear was screaming in the background. SHe managed to tell me my dad was unresponsive and i asked if she called 911, she didn 't answer other than to yell at me to "GET HOME NOW" and in the background she's hollering "BREATHE BREATHE" I wasn't getting any response from her and I was driving as fast and as safe as I could freaking out all the while. Half way home the lone went dead... i got to my parents street, the paramedics, 2 fire engines and Simi PD were all there. I had to park half way up the street, i got out and I RAN to the house. 
My neighbors were there and my mom was freaking out. SHe was saying that they told her to get him off the bed and he smacked his head, she was trying to do compressions and couldnt get his chest to move. My nephews told me they called 9-1-1 and were trying to help papa breathe (turned out the 5 year old is the one who found him) When he told grandma (my mom) he and his 7 year old brother called 9-1-1 and the operator eventually talked to my mom. 

THe medics and fire dept worked on my dad for ??? amount of time. THey were doing CPR, got the I.V. line and his airway secured. His pacemaker was firing, but the heart was not responding.... they pronounced my dad around 5:15 pm.... so much for one weekend of good health.....

THe past couple days have been filled with a lot of tears.... some conversations about funeral arrangements and all the normal emotions of losing a family member. THis has not been an easy time for any of us. Although the past 8 years have been filled with medical problems for my dad, even several close calls (including them saving his life with CPR before) and many rare conditions that they told us would kill him he always survived. SO although we have been blessed with these past 8 years, and we knew he wouldn't live forever... this came as a shock! Turns out while recently hospitialized he told my mom "if i'm going to die I want it to be at home, not here" ... from what we can tell he knew it was time and went peacefully in his sleep. My dad has had to sleep with a cpap machine for many many years now. He ALWAYS has it on if he is in bed. He had wanted to go and take a nap before dinner so (about 45 min before she called me) my mom helped him into bed, got the pillows under his head and he was putting on the cpap when she left him.... when my nephew found him the cpap was off, and the pillows were not under his head..... It was his time. 

It is comforting having a knowledge of the gospel. KNowing that in time I will get to see him again and he will be at peace. THat he will no longer be suffering or in pain. THis time we are struggling now, we have to find comfort in that. He is with loved ones who have passed before. My grandparents, an uncle, family friends etc. There are many who I am sure welcomed him home to Heavenly Father's presence

Right now we are working on the arrangements. Nothing is finalized yet but we know some of what the plans are going to be. We have a tentative date in mind if we can get all the arrangements coordinated for that date. He will be cremated (which was his wish) but the services will include military honors. We will get the Marines color guard for the flag etc. There is so much to coordinate and we are starting that stuff tomorrow. Due to the holiday tomorrow though the V.A./military connections are unavailable. So we havent set anything certain yet. We also have family and friends who will need to make travel arrangements for the services... it's a lot to figure out.... I do know though that it isn't easy

Back in 2012 I wrote a poem for my dad I called it "Daddy's Lil Girl" (you cna look back on my blog to read it if you'd like) it was a poem trying to show my dad he was loved. Letting him know that despite anything else I loved him. Trying to show him he needed to love himself enough to fight for his life as long as he could. That he needed to realize his self worth in order to try and get himself healthier etc... well in the past 2 days I have now added to that poem. I plan to read it in it's entirety at the services. I will start with the initial poem and  then share the adddition I wrote now that he has passed. It won't be easy but I think it is how I can say something. I know I will be crying like crazy but I will do my best to speak clearly... I will probably share the addition on here sometime after the services. For now this is my year in review thru the first month & a half..... like I said at the beginning IT SUCKS!! (other than my vacation) 

We've been so blessed at this time with love and support from so many people.  Via text,  calls,  Facebook and especially personal visits.  Thank you all so much for everything.  The food the flowers and the prayers.  We need it.  This is yet another trial for my family and we'll grow stronger from it.  

A Journey

So someone I know was recently preparing for weight loss surgery (they have since had the operation and so far are doing ok, not quite 2 weeks post op) and prior to their surgery they and I have been talking a lot. We actually talk a lot anyway. We're close. I love this person a lot. I don't want to put them on the spot here but they know who they are, and anyone who is close know who they are as well. They also know that this person had the procedure so I don't need to call them out on my blog. Unless they ok it. Anyway this person and I would share recipes that we like. They would have me over for dinner and vice versa. Especially when trying new recipes or making healthier options. As I am on my own weight loss journey we share info! Thye had asked me if I had considered the surgery months ago and since I was having so much success I opted to continue on my own path. As it turns out my Dr has told me how proud he was of my progress on my own and has encouraged me to continue without surgery as long as I can. I am now down 50# which is = to 16.46% of my body weight so far! I know that I have more to go but I am ready to take on the next goal! ANyway this other person and I were talking one night prior to their surgery and the next day at work our computers were down so I had some "free time". I started writing and came up with this poem. It was/is dedicated to that person, but in reality can be related to anybody really! 

A JOURNEY

We're travelling different paths

But our destination is the same

It may go fast, it may go slow

We'll  both get there, our own way

People always have advice

On the best route to take

But the journey always changes

It never stays the same

What may be smooth for me

May have pot holes and gravel for you

We have to enjoy the ride

No matter how it goes

You may come across a simple bump

That feels like a mountain to me

Nobody really knows

Individually what we each need

There is a plan in store

A way to reach our goals

We can support each other

Whatever it may take

I won't know all your struggles

You may not understand mine

There's still a way to connect

As we listen to our hearts

We will find the words to say

The strength to get us through

Good luck on your journey

I'm on a journey of my own

I'll help you, if you'll help me

It's what sister's do! 

Twas The Scavenger Hunt before the gift....

So for Christmas my family and I all went in together on one larger/more expensive gift for my sister Denise and Brother in Law Neal. I felt kind of bad that they would only have one gift to share to open on Christmas day when the rest of us would have several. So I volunteered to create a scavenger hunt of clues so that before they got and opened their gift there would be some fun. That way there was a little more focus on the love we have for them and not just on it being a solo gift. I ended up doing the clues in the form of a poem....

Twas the morning of Christmas, all through the house

Presents are scattered, and hiding about

The gifts they are hiding, some here and some there

And clues they are carrying, find them anywhere

The first is hiding snug in a bed,

Where 4-legs are found while Slenskers rest their heads

Denise in her ‘kerchief, Neal in his cap

Kristie had just settled down for a long winter’s nap

When out on the lawn there arose a meal platter

Where this clue is hiding you won’t need a ladder

Thru the dog window Koda flew like a flash

Looks out the front shutters at Frosty’s sash

Moon on the breast of frosty’s wife made of snow

Gave luster of hidden objects below

When, what to your wandering eyes should appear

Near a miniature sleigh, and tiny reindeer,

A little old driver, so lively and quick

Your next clue is hiding near Ol Saint Nick

More rapid than eagles, This clue’s not the same

For where it’s hiding represents your name

Now Dasher, now Dancer! Now Prancer, and Vixen

On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen

Near the top of the stairs, not the top of the wall

Now Dash away, dash away, dash away all

As Nerf bullets before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, they shoot for the sky

So up to the stair-top the nephews they flew

With a room full of couches and Nintendo Wii too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound

He dresses all classy, from his head to his foot

His clothes are a polo, and pants rarely have soot

A backpack of electronics, he flings on his back

He’s clearly a nerd, as seen if you open his pack.

Her eyes how they twinkled, His dimples how merry

Her cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry

Honeymoon photos with mouths drawn up like bows

The water was clear, no sign of white snow

You won’t really crack any nuts in his teeth

A ring it encircles his feet like a wreath

He has a moustache, and wears a belt around his belly

I don’t know what to say for bowl full of jelly

We’re all chubby and plump, like a jolly old elf

I laughed when I read about visitors on your “love” shelf

Windex in hand and a twist of his head

Neal took care of the problem, Denise had nothing to dread

Neal spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Denise took a shower, then turned with a jerk.

Around the corner Koda poked his nose

After Denise says no, away he goes

You don’t have a sleigh, there’s a horn not a whistle

Away you shall fly like the down of a thistle

But ill hear you exclaim, if you drive out of sight

Happy Christmas to all, hope it’s not a cold night!

In case you're wondering here is where the gifts/clues were hidden:

1) wrapped under the tree

2) Koda's bed (their dog)

3)BBQ in the backyard

4)Snowwoman on the front porch

5)A Santa in sleigh decor they had by their staircase

6)On their landing upstairs they have a decor "S" in the hallway 

7)In the loft with the dvds/wii games

8)Fireplace

9)Neal's Closet (but they checked his backpack first hehe)

10) In their "relax" room where they have honeymoon photos

11)On their Nutcracker statue

12) They have a shelf in the living room where they write notes to each other

13)Master bathroom in the shower

14) the gift was wrapped and left in the bed of their truck in the garage

Poem for a friend

So for Christmas I decided I wanted to do something a little more personal for a friend of mine for their gift. I didn't want to post it until I was able to share it with that particular person. Now that they've had a chance to see it I am going to post it. There are some people who read my blog who will know who it went to. Others I am sorry but I am not disclosing that information. I will let you all know that they really enjoyed it!

I don't know where to start

I want to share what’s in my heart

Our friendship started when we were young

It didn’t take long and I was sprung

It went slow until our senior year

Than things really grew from there

I don’t know what drew me in

How it happened, or exactly when

I don’t recall the words we said,

But I’m thankful for the roads we’ve tread

For a true friend in you I’ve found

Never a dull moment when you’re around

Some think friendships are hard

So they fight and put up a guard

With you it’s easy to be myself

I don’t have to hide feelings on a shelf

These 22 years have flown on by

Comes so easy without having to try

I love that you’re always there for me

You’re the kind of friend I hope to be

You inspire me to be my best

Help me overcome any life test

I’m lucky to call you my best friend

I hope that never comes to an end

It’s amazing how things work out

When we learn what it’s all about

The moment when it all comes true

A friend who’s there through and through

It’s a blessing I am thankful for

I could never ask for anything more

You’re supportive, loving and kind

Uplifting to my spirit, heart and mind

Truly an angel in disguise

          Your friendship is my ultimate prize

          Thank you for being who you are

          Strong and simply wondrous by far

          I can never find the right words to say

Showing how you light the way

In every smile you start a spark

That can illuminate the very dark

Thank you for the joy you bring

Friendship, love and everything

This poem was only a start

Sharing the words straight from my heart

Our friendship started when we were young

When we’re old, I’ll still be sprung.

big changes in a smaller package

It's amazing to make and look at comparisons like this.  The photo on the left was in early June when I had barely started my weight loss transformation.  I had just moved in March into my current location and finally gotten settled where I was comfortable and able to focus on my life where I needed to.  The right side was the end of September when my mom was hospitalized.  I knew that my body was changing,  that I was giving away clothes like crazy but sometimes you don't really see it until you do something like this and can really see/compare then and now.  Kicking butt & taking names!!

Feeling Proud

Wow! Well it has now been about 2 months since my last post, and in those 2 months I’ve only lost another 11#. But they weren’t easy to lose. They were also amidst several weekends of travel, plus one weekday travel trip for work. So it was hard sometimes to stay within daily calorie ranges. It was also during some time when I was sick. I had almost 2 weeks where I had a severe sinus infection and was just miserable, so working out was NOT on the agenda. Then as I started to feel better and was trying to work out again I injured my foot and couldn’t even wear a shoe from the swelling, let alone walk or work out in any way. So not that I am back to mostly feeling better the colder weather is aggravating my knee! I haven’t been able to do as much as I would like but I have been doing what I can still so that I am not ignoring my opportunities. I am just making sure to take advantage whenever I can and icing after. Things are starting to pick up again. Hopefully I can keep it up.

          I am now just shy of 50# of weight loss. It’s incredible to think I have had so much success and on my own! It’s amazing to look in the mirror sometimes in the morning and have to change my outfit because what I put on is just too baggy now. I need belts something crazy but I hate wearing them, so I frequently have to pull up my pants! Today I put on what used to be one of my favorite dresses, and it too is pretty much too big. I wore it anyway, kinda one last hoorah so to speak. I almost cried looking in the mirror because it hung down beautifully below my bust line instead of from my stomach. I know that it’s exciting to be shrinking out of my clothes but it’s hard too! It’s hard when my “go to” clothes are now being given away and I don’t really have anything new to wear. I have gotten some new stuff from some friends and I picked up some shirts off the clearance rack during the summer, but it’s an adjustment overall. I am just not used to this!  Nothing is quite like my old “go to” clothes. I guess in time I will have new ones. There have also been some tops that I don’t necessarily want to give away so I have to alter stuff! That’s actually kind of fun and exciting too!

          I was talking on the phone this week to a friend who really helped remind me of the progress I am making. It was nice to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and understands how it is to not only be heavy but to deal with the changes that come from weight loss. I still struggle sometimes emotionally from the whole thing. It’s unusual for me. I have been on the heavy side for so long it’s hard for me to get used to being smaller. The thing is I am smaller, but still not “skinny” or “small” by any means! I am still in the “obese” category on the scale, I am still wearing plus size clothing and so it’s hard to look in the mirror and see that I am much smaller, and that my clothes are too big, but still see that I am also still too big.

          I have told my close friends that if I am still calling myself “fat” or saying inappropriate things about my body or body image once I get down closer to my goal weight they better smack me! I get really bothered by beautiful women I know who are not large by any means (in my eyes for sure) when they say they need to lose weight or are unhappy with their body image. I am hoping that eventually as I continue to lose weight and clothing sizes that I can lose some of my negative body imaging as well. I am not sure how that works though. I am not sure how to keep my negative emotions losing right along with the other stuff. The funny thing is, although I have never been happy about being overweight, I have not let it affect who I am or how I treat myself or my friends. I have worked hard at being happy no matter how I looked or felt about myself and I know I can continue with that, but then I have moments like today where it’s hard to see the changes and yet then be slightly discouraged knowing I am far from where I ultimately need to be.

It is incredible to have people comment on the changes I have made. To have those close to me who I love and trust acknowledge and share that they can see it. I too can see it the majority of the time. Why can’t major life changes like this be easier? It has been such a blessing to be so successful. When I had my foot problems recently and I saw my doctor he noticed too on my records from last December when I was in until that recent visit the difference on the scale. I told him it was mostly from Mid-May until current so as he continued to look he saw where I was in June and was able to see what I was saying. We talked a bit about how I know someone who is preparing for weight loss surgery. I had told the person at the time that I didn’t want to do that unless I really got stuck and was feeling I just couldn’t do it anymore on my own. I told that person that I was proud of the way things were going especially since I was doing it on my own and not through some program or otherwise. I love that I am finally actually making the changes within myself and my eating habits that were changing me and my life-permanently! He agreed. He told me that I have already lost more on my own than most people prior to surgery. He said that I could discuss it with him if I felt I wanted the surgery down the road but he encouraged me to continue doing what I was and take it from there. Those are the moments I am most proud!

I think that’s the key!... I AM proud of myself! I think until right now I hadn’t really said that! I don’t think I really thought of that before. I had others tell me they were proud of me, but I don’t think I realized I was proud of myself. I shared a snippet of this on my Facebook a bit ago and got a few comments already. Then a friend of mine texted me about what I shared. I reassured her that overall I had been working on a more positive blog post than it maybe seemed in the snippet shared. She reminded me to remember this is a journey, and to recognize how far I really have traveled already, even though it looks like there is too much ahead to conquer. I know I can do it! I started small and am continuing to make small goals so that I don’t oversee the progress. I know that I have come a long way. Only myself and a very few other people really know how much I have to lose, but I do know I have made a tremendous start. After all I have lost 15.46% of my body weight!

Everyone asks me if I am feeling better now. They ask if my knee is hurting less etc. For the most part it doesn’t feel as if anything has changed. I know that seems weird but it’s just how I am feeling. My knee still hurts and my labs etc were all normal before.  I wasn’t having major health problems (yet) so it’s hard to say that I’m feeling “better” I know I am better though. I know that with each pound I am taking pressure off my knee. I know that as I continue to lose I am decreasing my risk of diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, and many other issues that luckily I didn’t have to face. So I guess I am feeling better in the sense that I still feel well health wise, and it’s going to continue to improve!

So things are going great. Slower than I would prefer but overall it’s been a good ride. It’s incredible to be having success, especially being able to do it on my own (with the love and support of family and friends of course) but basically by knowing who I am and making the personal changes that were within my power. As I continue to lose I will continue to make new changes. It’s a blessing to be able to eat healthier, smaller portions and really feel full. I really know now that I am capable of doing this.  I will continue down this road and not be disappointed in set backs, because I know that each one will push me to work harder and be smarter. I know that this is a race I started on my own and I know that I can reach the finish line. What an incredible feeling! 

a picture is worth. ...

1, 000 words

Internal Vs External Battles

 So I hope that this post comes across the way I want it to. I am hoping that I can show the intended balance of the good vs. the bad. I have a feeling that it may come across as a negative post, which is NOT my intention at all. What I want to write about, I actually already wrote most of it earlier today and am now going to type it here maybe edit some of it. But it's about my weight loss, which is a completely positive thing in my life. But sometimes even when we are having positive experiences there is always that little voice in the back of our mind that fills us with doubt. There is that voice that tells us we aren't worth what we are worth. It’s that little part of our subconscious fed by evil that doesn't want us to see the good. It’s that part of us that tells us to give up and quit that it isn't worth it anymore. It tells us that we're fine the way things are. It tells us that we can do bad and be happy or ...whatever the case may be. That is the idea that I want to write about. That battle within myself that as I am having success it's that small little voice that as things may have slowed down a bit is wanting me to stop when I don't plan to stop. It’s the battle I am having about my progress.... Anyway I hope this is a good enough introduction and that you can understand where I am coming from as you read it. I hope that it leaves you knowing that I am confident and happy with my progress. That I am continuing little by little, day by day. That I have not given up and don't intend to. This is a lifelong journey I have embarked on and I know there will be struggles so I am prepared to fight.

SO naturally everything for my weight loss started out quickly. I made a few small and simple changes and the weight started dropping off like crazy. In 6 weeks I had lost 19#, then the next 6 weeks I slowed down a little bit but had lost 11#. Then in the almost 4 weeks or so since that time it’s barely been 5#. I know that this is typical with weight loss. I knew that it would slow down, but it’s frustrating to have it happen. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I am not trying to complain. I am so proud of myself because I’ve lost 36#! That is an amazing accomplishment. It is an incredible amount of success and to my recollection is better that and success I had in the past. I was never this successful in either keeping with a program or in the amount of weight lost.

I’ve made some huge strides and am feeling great. Its just hard for the past month to have continued working so hard (if not harder) to keep up with the success, but yet I’ve had things slow down. I know that it’s not just about the number on the scale. It’s about health and about body size etc.  Yes I know that I have had to give away some clothing that was just too big to wear anymore. Yes I know that people have told me that they can tell I’ve lost weight. That they can see it, and yes there are days where I can see it too. The only thing I don’t see is that they tell me they can see it in my face. (I personally don’t recognize it in my face) But although I can see some of the physical changes (and feel it in my clothing) I can also see the number on the scale. I can see how high the number is. I can still see all that needs to go weight wise. My shape/stomach is still a lot rounder than I would like it to be.

I hated when the guys are work were weighing themselves the other day and I weigh more than the heaviest guy who was involved. … but not only do I weigh more than him, but I weigh more than  him and he was fully uniformed with all his gear and bullet proof vest etc. So without all his gear he weighs a lot less than what was shown on the scale.  It’s hard to look at some people and to know that the weight I have to lose is approximately what they weigh, that I basically need to lose an entire adult!  It’s overwhelming to think about sometimes. It is rewarding though to look at it and realize I am approximately 1/5^th of the way done. Yet then there is that internal conflict again telling me that it’s slowing down or stopping.

Now of course with any plateau they say to “mix it up” a bit. They say to change workouts, do more, go farther, workout longer etc. It is difficult to “mix it up” with my knee. It’s been acting up again. Even with just the walking and swimming, I am still having a lot of problems sometimes. So when even one of the simplest things are irritating it, it is hard to mix it up to something more, I really don’t have too many options.

I guess where its really frustrating is at my earlier weeks I had met and passed my first small goals I set. So for my next goal I had wanted to be down a total of 50# by my birthday. At the time when I made that goal I was averaging 3-4# per week of weight loss. At the time with what I needed to lose to make it to 50 by my birthday it brought that average needed down to about 2# per week (see I was looking ahead knowing things would slow down) But here I am now just a few weeks away from my birthday and still have 14# to go. It’s discouraging.

I know I will get there, and then I will make and get to my next goal. Maybe I won’t reach that goal by my birthday, maybe it will be the end of the month, or maybe early October. I am just annoyed that it slowed as much as it has. Of course there are always other factors to consider too, monthly feminine issues and weather changes with water retention etc. but is it too much to ask to still see some progress on the scale? I mean when you look at the long term and see the graphs it down slope down, some weeks steeper than others, and that’s great. But even the graph shows the slowing.

I really, really don’t want this to sound like I am complaining, or giving up because I am NOT. I’m just trying to express my feelings so they don’t bottle up and cause other problems. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past 16 or so weeks. I know I can resist donuts, and ice cream and the vending machine temptations at work. I know this because I have been resisting the temptations. This is the first time I’ve embarked on a weight loss journey where I really have stuck with it for this long. This is also the most success I have had so there is no way I am giving up now! (Too bad I started at a higher weight than any time in the past though…) I’ve worked far too hard to give up now. I have worked hard to make these changes and get where I am. This is about ME. I finally love myself enough to make myself a priority. I guess you can say that I am being selfish, but in a good way. I am focusing on myself, but not at the expense of others. I am still doing what I can, when I can to reach out and help others. I am just also looking out for myself.

I guess I wanted to write this as a reminder to my future self. It’s not always going to be easy. In fact it will probably get even harder after this. I am NOT a quitter. For once in my life I am thinking of me. Isn’t that what they say? That you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? I’d say that I am and always have been a happy person even being overweight. But maybe I didn’t love myself enough to care for myself properly until now.

So I’ve done difficult thins before. I’ve had trials and a weight loss plateau is just another trial. I’ll keep going and eventually it will “catch up” Eventually I won’t be embarrassed to say how much I weigh. (Barely anybody knows now, and to the one or two who do, thank you for keeping my secret) I just need to keep going. Keep pushing myself further and harder. Need to keep wearing my knee brace and not being afraid to take pain medicine when I need it to go on that walk or to do whatever it is I put my mind to do. Maybe I will find something else that isn’t too difficult, or too high impact.

So note to my future self… you’re going to look back on this post one day and think “wow, how trivial that time was” maybe I will be reading this thinking “I had no idea what was coming” So basically knowing that it may get harder before yet to lose weight. Especially knowing that the holidays are coming and there will be even more temptations. I know that I CAN and WILL get there. Someday I will be half the woman I am today. At that time I will look back at my current self as a fighter. Ill know that I was stronger than I may think I am.

There was a song that came on today on my Ipod when I had it on shuffle. It’s a Disney song (no surprise there really)  it’s called “Find Yourself” it is sung by Brad Paisley for the movie “Cars” here are some of the lyrics:

When you go through life
So sure of where you're headin'
And you wind up lost
And it's the best thing that could have happened
'Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

I think that I have been to that point this year in my life. Where I did get lost, thru that time it really did help me to find myself. It’s about time. I was getting pretty dusty there for a bit. Now that I have found myself and am taking care of me, it’s turning out great. Even if the change is slow, it is still a change in the right direction. That is what really matters. The ultimate goal is the downward direction slope on the chart. The part that matters are the smaller clothing and the happier, healthier me, no matter what the number on the scale says. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So most of my friends know I work for a law enforcement agency. I have had a lot of experiences there, both good and bad, but currently I am in an office and enjoying my surroundings. I have made a lot of friends in the office both with the clerical staff and with some of the officers. Which is where things get a little tricky (for me anyway, it comes easy to some others)

I have always been taught to respect those in authority. I have always felt that a doctor should be called Doctor, and an officer should be respected as such. If I am at church people are Brother or Sister, and in public if I meet someone they are sir or ma'am. When I meet a friends parents I call them Mr or Mrs, etc. So naturally at work I want to say "Officer So-in-so" and frequently do. But there is where the problem begins. As I have been making friendships and as I know them outside of work to some degree. We're friends on facebook etc sometimes I struggle between calling them Officer so-in-so vs their first name. Especially when they're in uniform.

For me I would think that when they're working etc I should call them Officer, and if I am maybe outside of work, then I can call them by their name. The funny thing is some of the officers that have desk positions I see more regularly at work so they're almost like other clerical personnel in the sense I see them frequently. So sometimes I say their name, sometimes officer. Then there are the ones working the road that I typically don't see as frequently. One of these officers came in one day near the end of his shift and I had a question for him regarding one of his collisions he took the report for. So I went into the report room and said "Officer    
such-in-such" and asked my question we talked about whatever it was and I said thank you and as I was leaving he said "and it's Bob (name changed to protect officer such-n-such's identity)" I felt kind of bad as if I had offended him by greeting him as officer.

I know that they work hard and have been thru a lot to receive their badge and position. Especially since I spent 3 weeks at the academy and saw what they do for 27 weeks! Then in their jobs, they risk their lives daily not just for my sake but everyone's. It is a huge responsibility and I think they deserve to be addressed and recognized for that, especially on duty. So it's a struggle for me sometimes. There is a fine line between using their name and officer. Maybe this isn't a struggle for others as much as it is for me, since I hear others call them by their given name on a regular basis. I had one coworker say to me that for her she tries to use officer when in front of the public but otherwise uses their name. Which makes sense but sometimes I still don't want to say "George", or "Charles" (*also fake names used) or whatever their name may be. It's awkward for me, unless we're not at work, then it doesn't feel as weird to me as when they're dressed.

Anyway maybe I am just being silly, and maybe if you're one of the officers I work with reading this and you have a comment feel free to share it. Or tell me what you think at work. But if I do ever call you by your first name it really means I am comfortable with you as a friend. and I am either not itimidated by you (also why sometimes I want to use Officer) or you caught me off guard where I lost all respect for your authority (just kidding) Well that's my thoughts for now!